After three days of intermittent crying/sobbing I knew I needed a distraction from myself and my head and heart for the evening. So, I called up a good friend and tried to pretend I was fine. Ha-ha! Yeah, I’m a terrible liar. They immediately said, “Sarah, what’s wrong?!” But instead of trying to put into words the pain I’ve been in and suffering through more tears and probably bumming them right the hell out, they said, “You know what? It doesn’t matter. Let’s hang out and laugh!” Well, I couldn’t say no to that!

At first we weren’t sure what to do, we’re both beyond broke and so we just grabbed some coffee and walked for a bit. It’s good for the body and mind, walking. It was pretty cold out though, so it was decided that we’d check out a local book store (remember those?). As we were perusing and discussing they suggested a movie and we decided on “Identity Thief.” I needed a good laugh and I love Melissa McCarthy and Jason Bateman.

The movie was just okay. There were some cringe-inducing moments and plenty of fat hate and shame.  They basically made Melissa’s character, Diana, a brightly colored Jack Black. *Sigh* I get that she was supposed to be broken and cooky, but some of it just wasn’t believable. Jason Bateman? Well, I sort of adore him. He was great, but again, much of the movie was just written poorly, in my opinion. I laughed, don’t get me wrong. There were some cool car crashes and stuff, but overall: Meh.

The best part was after the movie when we trash talked our way through two games of air hockey! Man, I love that shit! SO FUN!!! I could have played all night, but alas, the quarters ran out. I had forgotten how good I was at that game. I’ll have to look up some more local air hockey tables and get on that shizz! Ha-ha!

I have learned a lot from my recent bouts of depression and anxiety. Firstly, that I do tend to reach out for help and support when I need it most. I know better, usually, than to wallow and dwell, because that tends to fuck me up worse. I’ve also been surprised at how differently my various friends handle me in such situations. Some use their stellar snark to make me laugh and get me feeling better. Others use tough love and almost make me feel much worse before finally making me feel way better. One friend is soooo good at pep talks that it sucks when they’re so very busy.

My friend that I hung out with last night, though? Well, they always seem to know exactly what I need to do or to hear to cheer me up. I don’t know how they know this, since I usually don’t know how to do it for myself, but they have really stepped up and have become such an amazing friend. We hung out last Thursday and Friday (dancing and silliness) when I was also feeling sad. They just knew that getting me out of the house and doing something with my body would allow me to feel better, even if only physically.

Some of my new friends, I feel, use the word “friend” too loosely. To me, a friend is someone who has your back no matter what. Someone who is there for you when you need them most and calls you out on your bullshit, too. Someone who knows you’re not honoring or being your best you. Someone who keeps you safe and watches out for you. It’s not always easy, but what in life is? This is friendship to me. Like any relationship, it takes two to tango and hearing stories of terrible things (or people) just breaks my heart and angers me so much.

I work hard to be a good friend. Even if I don’t talk to someone for awhile, I think of them often and care about them always. Even those I no longer want in my life, well, they touched me in some way. I regret nothing. I learn and I grow. I want people in my life who support that and want it for themselves, too. I might take friendship more seriously than others, but that’s hardly a bad thing.

I need to be a better friend to myself, I realize. Pot, meet Kettle. 😉 I’m working on this, always. I’ve gotten so much better. But I also think being a good friend to myself is knowing when it’s not okay for me to be alone, to seek the support I need and to stay out of situations that are too much at that moment. In that sense I have grown leaps and bounds! A year ago I didn’t know how to ask for that help.

Thank you for your love and support as work my way through this journey called life. You inspire me and you “get” me. Thank you so much for that! *Hugs*

Rad Fatty Love,

Sarah
<3

Life is a learning experience that teaches us so much yet also, somehow, remains a complete mystery. I often joke that I am a contradiction and an enigma, even to myself. But I’m in no joking mood. The truth is that I’ve finally reached that point where accepting and embracing my vulnerability is a must and a need and it is now and I shall remain until I can process this…thing.

It’s never easy to say and how often have you said, “I’m okay” or “I’m good” with a fake smile or a quick look away so the other person won’t know that you’re lying through your damned teeth. *Sigh* I hate lying and I refuse.

I am not okay. I’m going through a very fucking difficult time right now. I am not yet even able to talk about it and thus unable to process it at all. I am not okay. I am sure that I will be okay soon, but for now I am in a great deal of emotional pain.

I ask for your kindness, compassion and patience as I do my best to work through this and hopefully come out of this stronger or happier or somehow just find some peace and accept what is. Because right now I can’t even envision these things and they seem to belong to someone else entirely.

I am still in shock and have been doing a lot of crying. Being with those I love most has become uncomfortable and painful. I can’t tell them what’s in my heart. I can’t share my fears and pains with them right now. Mostly because it’s not my story to tell. I only have what I feel and that is cutting so very deep right now. A lot of what I’m feeling I know is not rational and much of it makes no sense and some of it is very hypocritical, yet the pain is there and I cannot deny how I am feeling.

I am fighting every urge in me to act out, lash out and cause hurt/harm to others. It is not the person I am and not the person I want to be. It saddens me that those urges are still within me, just under the surface. *Sigh* I am human and I accept that I am flawed. I am sort of in awe at the turns my life has taken recently and how so much has been put on hold because of it. It is a choice, it is my choice and I will get back on track soon, of this I have no doubt.

I’m sorry that I cannot share details or even get into it. I don’t know when or if I will. But know that I love you and am so grateful to have this space to get even this little bit off my chest. Thank you!!! </3

I wear a lot of different hats in my job. I’m an office assistant by title, but I do order fulfillment, shipping, accounts payable and receivable, customer service, social media, IT and more. Whew! I know, a lot! Luckily, it’s a small company so I’m not running around like a madwoman (except when I am).

The other day I was packing up some orders to be shipped and as I was weighing them to create the proper shipping label and all and it occurred to me that I hadn’t weighed myself in a couple of years. I hesitated at first, “Am I in the right frame of mind for this?” “What does it matter anyway?!” and so I stepped onto the scale.

I didn’t hold my breath or suck anything in or take off my shoes or what have you. Nope, I just stepped carefully onto the scale and looked down to see what it read:

Three hundred and Twenty-Five Pounds

And the most surprising part was that my only reaction was a smile. I didn’t feel bad or guilty or filled with shame. This was a bit surprising as all past weigh ins would have me nearly palpitating or tearful. No, this was new, this was fucking progress!!! I say this not to brag, but merely to share that my journey, with no destination in mind, does continue and I can grow and change and embrace every last pound of weight my body carries.

This was precisely my weight the last time I weighed myself. I know I had lost and regained last spring (due to stress), but the fact that my body is back to this stable weight made me feel good, solid, reliably me! Yay! This is me, folks!

Hi, My name is Sarah. I’m 5’4″ and weight 325 lbs. I’m 35 years old, nearly divorced (but living as a single lady) and happy as fuck to meet you! <3

ETA: Any number, age/weight/etc, doesn’t mean a damned thing about your worth! I realized that all of the shame I felt about my weight before was through the lens of other’s judgments. Fuck that and them! 😉

So, I’d been eyeballin’ some lolligoth styles for ages. I love the frilly and cute mixed with the dark and snarky. It’s why my favorite comic book is “Lenore” by Roman Dirge and why I’m both sun-shiney and TMI and hilarious! So, when I told my dear friend Raven that I was going to a fancy dress tea party she said, “Ooh!” and ran out of the room and came back with several dresses for me to try on…or so I thought!

No, Raven doesn’t fuck around! She had me try on (dare I say Made Me? LOL) about six different dresses of varying lolli and/or gothness. The first one I tried on was the winner though…it was straight out of my dreams! Frilly and lovely and fluffy and black and white! LOVE IT! So I knew I needed a mini top hat to complete this ensemble and went home to put this, my first endeavor into non-Halloween costuming, together and ready for action.

I would have usually turned down an invite to a party where I would know next to no one, but fancy dress + tea party? Well, it was downright irresistible! And I wanted to get to know the gal who invited me (I’m friends with her boyfriend and they are so awesome together). So, I set my anxiety aside and accepted the invitation without a second thought.

Then I just got plain old excited! Especially after Raven straight-up gifted me all the dresses ever! OMZ! She’s probably sick of my thanking her. Ha! As I got dressed and put on my black teggings, bloomers, petticoat and finally the dress and my pearls, I was transformed into this doll-like vision of lolligothness! I love it!

Can’t really see ’em in this pic, but I have hot pink and white striped bloomers from Size Queen underneath my dress (no idea where purchased or brand, sorry) and you can totally see them when I’m walking/standing. They are perfection! Also, note my favorite wing tip doc martens. 😉

Close up of my adorbz hat (it’s on a headband and purchased at Party City for $10) and make up. Had wanted to do waaaay more, like eye liner and beauty marks and sparkles and shit, but ran out of time.

So…yeah! Here I am and the costume was a hit and now I want every excuse in the land to don it all over again! Please? 😉

So, okay, not at all fat related, but I’m fat so, whatever!

Sunday & Monday nights of this week I spent with B & The Puggyman watching an old VHS recording of MTV’s ultimate Alternative countdown from 1996! It was hosted by Gavin Rossdale and Nigel Pulsford of Bush. Holy epic music, Batman! It was so fucking great! Fifty of the all time best alternative music videos! I loved every second of it, even the horrible 90’s commercials!

Actually, many of the commercials mentioned the year, 1996, which I found odd. Do commercials still do that? Weird. Anyway, some of them were fucking hilarious, Beeperman from Beeper City!!! And others were just icky, ITT Tech’s barrage of rejection for not having “experience” and so you better go to their silly school. Whatever! Some of the hair and beauty products ads were great. Like Finesse had this one where it was like, “Get flowers on your birthday? That’s too easy! Get flowers everyday? That’s Finesse!” I was like, “OMZ I gotta get me some Finesse!” B looked at me and said, “You WANT flowers everyday?” and I replied, “Um, who said anything about want? It said I could get flowers everyday!!!” Ha!

It was a bittersweet thing though, watching my youth represented and flashing before me, and my old idols and hearing the lyrics of my very soul in such a blast from the past sort of way. *Sigh* So many greats now gone, so many great guitarists lost to obscurity. It seemed to me that this was an era of effort, of violent expression of self and not holding back an ounce! Especially the band Live! Holy shit! They rock out hardcore, y’all! Ha-ha! But seriously? They rocked! And it showed.

I feel like everything is just for show now days and the music industry barely exists and in some ways I’m glad for that. And let’s  be real here, I think there was all of two female fronted bands out of fifty (Cranberries & Hole)! I mean, I don’t recall seeing Garbage, which is a damned shame if you ask me, or Veruca Salt or L7 or any of the other awesome kick-ass girl bands back then. 🙁

So, now I want to start a band and rock the fuck out hardcore! I have the lyrics in me, no worries there, but I can’t write a melody to save my life! So, if you’re game and somewhat local to me, hit me up and let’s do this! The world needs to get it’s ass kicked by our epic-fatty-rock-glory! Woooooooooooooooooooooot!