First articulated in 2005 by scholar Alexei Yurchak to describe the civilian experience in Soviet Russia, hypernormalization describes life in a society where two main things are happening.
The first is people seeing that governing systems and institutions are broken. And the second is that, for reasons including a lack of effective leadership and an inability to imagine how to disrupt the status quo, people carry on with their lives as normal despite systemic dysfunction – give or take a heavy load of fear, dread, denial and dissociation.
The strongest of us are struggling. The softest of us are absolutely terrified. Every morning I wake up, and for nearly a minute, I forget about the state of the world and the horrific crimes perpetuated and committed by my country. Once my brain sort of comes online, and the weight of it all hits me, I want so desperately to go back to unconsciousness. It is all too much to bear. Yet I have to keep a roof over my head, because homelessness is now illegal in my country. I can’t make it make sense. I brush my teeth with the light off, not yet ready to look in the mirror and admit to myself that I am here, I am real, it’s all real. I hate it.
The phrase, “the cruelty is the point” gets bandied about a lot these days but it is absolutely correct. I hate it. The current Republican party is all about “We tell you what to do, but no one gets to tell us what to do!” and you see it in every single one of their policies. It has been this way for years. I hate it. Please don’t get me wrong, though. I have no love for the so-called Democratic party who fill their pockets from the same coffers as the Republicans. We have seen a few dems stand up and get loud in opposition to the bills being pushed through, but it feels very performative and I believe that it very much is that and nothing more. I hate it.
I never thought I would live in a fascist country. I never thought I would see my country’s citizens lick boots without hesitation. I am fully aware of the history, not just the propaganda fed to me in school. I don’t have a higher education, so I had to seek out this knowledge and I am glad to have it. Knowing the truth will keep you grounded in reality when sooooo many would prefer to hide their heads in the sand and insist everything is fiiiiine! I hate it.
A moment will arrive that no one will be able to ignore. A. moment like so many others in history where we can all look back and say, “This is when we said no more!” but I have been waiting for that moment for years. I am GenX, I don’t carry a lot of hope, but it is still there. I have the heart of an activist and will almost always try to inform those who are interested. People don’t want to know, though. They don’t want to know because deep down, they already know it’s past the point of no return.
Some think I’m doing too much by still wearing a mask to prevent the spread of covid. Some think I’m doing too much by calling and emailing my representatives about various bills and measures. We have such little power over much of our lives, what I can control, what tragedies I can prevent, I am going to do all I can to live a long and fulfilling life. For me, fulfilling means more than just “happy & healthy” because I know that health is never a choice one can make and can vanish in an instant. And these so-called representatives need to be told everyday what to do because they really don’t care about us until we make them care.
So, What are we doing?! I get up and go to work and I smile at the front desk at my colleagues and our guests and manage all of the offices that I do while just under the surface I feel like I am screaming internally constantly. I go home and change into soft and comfy clothes and space out on the couch for the evening because my brain is fucking fried by this point. I read, I listen to podcasts, I watch my cartoons and k-dramas and I try to be okay. I text with friends and support where I can. I send my brother memes or nostalgic commercials, and I try to just be okay. It is maddening.
A teammate strongly suggested that I try in-person classes on meditation. I do feel a pull towards something spiritual or grounding, but I have never been able to meditate in the traditional sense. CPTSD brain won’t allow it. I also think that individualism got us into this mess in the first place so certainly individual-based “solutions” aren’t going to get us out of it. Part of me feels the need to suffer out loud for a change, too. I’m usually of the mind that if no one can help you with a thing then there’s no point in bothering them about it (and getting gaslit by loved ones is not what I need in my life). I never want platitudes, even well intentioned ones. I know it’s too much for anyone to handle and there is no one and done answer.
I think it can help others to vocalize what you’re feeling or dealing with, often it leads to better connection and understanding. For me, I can be a bit blunt and maybe too right to the point for some, but many have thanked me for saying what they couldn’t. It leads to great conversations and my teammates and I are closer because of it. If we don’t share our struggles we will feel more alone in this world that is already built to make us lonely. We are a species that has lasted because we are social. Capitalism pushed us to where we are now, its fall is inevitable.
It is easy to preach about community but very difficult to find and create in your own life. I have begun to talk to my neighbors more. Not like in a let’s be friends way, but I do think it is good for folks to know each other and what is normal for your neighborhood. This way when something is off it is easier to point to or support each other and approach the situation together than to just stick with a “not my problem” mentality. I am usually very much a “mind your own business” type of person, but I have neighbors that make their business everyone’s to deal with and newer neighbors who I think are an improvement to our building and want them to stay. I have thought about creating a small free pantry in our laundry room (we have old wooden lockers with missing doors that would be perfect) but I am not sure how management would take it. I like things being under the radar, ya know?
So, WTF are we doing?!?!? How are you managing the feeling of constant doom and dread these days? How do you handle your day to day life with this running in the background always? How are you protecting yourself from our government basically trying to kill us all at this point? N95/’sKN95’s help filter out pollen and air pollution as well as respiratory viruses and infections. Just saying! We can’t fight for revolution and liberation from beyond the grave, I checked.
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I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.
Rad Fatty Love to ALL, <3 S
Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall currently donations will be given directly to Black women in need through my network.
My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog: http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS
And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.) notblueatall@notblueatall.com
What are we doing…to feel better in the moment? (I think this will be the start of a “What are we doing?!” series.)
About two months ago I came across some random cake decorating videos in my feed and very quickly got sucked into only watching cake decorating videos. I soon realized why. It calmed my anxiety. I have dabbled in the arts of baking and cake decorating years ago and while I enjoy it sometimes, it is often very stressful. But seeing these professionals and even home bakers frost their creations and smooth them out to perfection was like someone smoothing out the rough edges of my anxiety. Piped roses and vines, ruffles and shells, perriels and edible glitter, I was so dazzled and yet calmer than I had been in months.
I soon found myself wanting to share faves with friends but it almost felt shameful in a way, I know better, but still no one else shared my enthusiasm for the art form and so I only shared two videos with one friend, Ha-ha! I nave since scaled back my consumption of these videos but not before discovering the incredible way watching someone pipe “Happy Birthday” in full flourishing cursive, perfectly spaced out and gorgeous, makes me feel almost as satisfied as if I did it myself. I do not have the practice for these finer skills, and such a hobby is not going to fit within my already limited bandwidth. I do really enjoy them.
A couple of weeks ago I woke up on a Saturday morning feeling pretty lousy. In general, but also just dealing with some random stomach issues lately. I wanted the comforts of childhood Saturday morning cartoons, dammit! I was looking into a favorite cartoon that they never released the last two seasons of in the US due to HBO’s constant BS changes and purges. And then I found it! For free and with no commercials on Sling tv! Summer Camp Island is a cartoon about a summer camp that seems normal to outsiders, but is actually a camp for witches and magic! It is so sweet and focuses a lot of friendships and problem solving and it’s soooooo adorable! It has lots of very famous actors (Elijah Wood, Whoopi Goldberg, Fortune Feimster, and more) and just the sweetest little animation style. I binged those last two seasons that very morning (episodes are like 12 mins). I was so happy that whole weekend because of it.
Having a chronic illness changes you. tI changes how you approach things n life, how you have to accommodate yourself because no one else will, and relearning what you are capable of on a daily fucking basis. My everyday baseline would be enough to send most folks to urgent care in desperation for answers and treatment. There is no treatment for my illness, not yet. I cannot dwell on such things, I see the world for what it is. I see my country for what it is, So I must do all I can to support myself everyday and do all I can to feel better even if it is only in small doses.
I give myself permission to skip a meal when my appetite disappears and permission to indulge when the desire strikes me. I am realizing more and more that peppers of any kind make my tummy very unhappy and that sucks. Not that I’m a heat seeker, but I love flavor! Time to stock up my spices for sure. I use music a lot to lift my moods. I’m building a playlist of guaranteed to get me moving songs, hit me with your recommendations in the comments, please.
I just bought six books and am already working my way through these two: Weight and Wisdom: Reflections on Decades of Working for Body Liberation, and Everything is Tuberculosis. It is wonderful reading the history and stories of fat activism and liberation work in Weight & Wisdom. Did you know that the Adirondack chair was invented to help tuberculosis patients dry out their lungs by allowing them to sit at the perfect angle? I highly recommend using Book Shop for your book needs. Going back to physical books has helped me get back into the habit.
What do you do for yourself when you need to feel better? What other self soothing techniques do you use? What spices should I try? What is grabbing your attention these days? I’m watching the second season of Andor (Star Wars series that precedes the movie Rogue One) and the parallels to modern day US fascism leaves me quite rattled at times. It’s so good though. I try to watch Simpsons or Bob’s Burgers after to cleanse my palate, so to speak. Ha!
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I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.
Rad Fatty Love to ALL, <3 S
Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall currently donations will be given directly to Black women in need through my network.
My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog: http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS
And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.) notblueatall@notblueatall.com
After years of frustration, trying to date and stay covid safe, and then reading a few articles about how these apps work, data privacy and more…I’m done! I just can’t be fucking bothered to care anymore. I kept them for so long, I think, to prove that I’m “trying” and haven’t “given up” or become “bitter.” Now I say fuck all of that! They are gaming us all and it’s a giant fucking joke that I am choosing to no longer be a part of.
I never had a hard time dating before covid, like, ever. Sure, I’ve had the usual ups and downs of single life and relationships, but getting dates was just a thing I took for granted. Even after everything moved to the apps, I was in it to win it and did just fine that way for years. When covid happened I was fresh out of a short relationship that had made me realize that I had better standards than I used to and wouldn’t settle for the bullshit being thrown my way. I relished in my solitude, and `I still had my puggo then. Things were weird, but I can handle weird. I even found another brief relationship in 2022, but that one was a wake up call. I had had too many great first dates that quickly turned into love bombing. Like, expressions and demands of exclusion on date 1, exclamations of love on date 2. Yikes!
And then everyone collectively decided they no longer cared about the life risks of covid and carried on as if it never existed. Being of sound mind, I could not go along with the crowd or even gaslight myself into beliving anything had changed with covid because it still fucking hasn’t, it is in fact worse now than ever (and I don’t give a shit if you believe me, the data doesn’t lie). I started matching with people who seemed perfect on paper, but suddenly no one could offer more than a few consecutive, “Hi, how’s your day?” not even bothering to respond when I reply asking the same or new questions. I couldn’t understand it. Why match and message if you’re not interested in actually meeting up ever? Or they would say initially that they were covid safe, or even lie about specifics, only to then admit they lied and aren’t safe or caring at all about anything.
This past weekend was another such person, though they didn’t start with lying, they immediately admitted that they no longer mask around others. I replied, “It’s never too late to start again!” and we talked for a few days on the app to measure compatibility, and on paper everything seemed right. We set up a date and then I got there and they flaked. Claimed some emergency that I knew was a lie and then unmatched me later on. So what the fuck is the point?!??!
I’m convinced that no one is actually dating and we’re all just participating in this app nonsense and becoming miserable from it. Then I read an article about Hinge’s new terms of service and immediately deleted my account. In doing so and having to jump through the dark design hoops of these fucking things, “Are you sure you want to delete? Are you sure you’re sure? Really and truly and honestly sure?” I grew angry and realized that they are all the same with just slightly different wording and features. They are all based on the same algorithmic futility of everything online these days. I’m sick of it!
I dated the old school way in the 90’s. Never had a problem. I dated through AOL chat rooms back in the day, quite successfully. But these apps are not actually made for dating, only the endless illusion of a possibility of maybe getting a date, but it isn’t likely. I have met people and had relationships through the apps years ago, but something changed during that first year of covid that seems irreversible now. While the nihilist in me thinks it’s directly correlated to a mass disease that damages the brain and other organs and thus our collective empathy and cognitive abilities have greatly decreased. But can that really be it? Like, I genuinely wanna know but also I feel like, deep down, western society as a whole is in the shitter right now.
Nope, it’s the apps. It is really the apps, it has made us all feel as though we must keep our options open when the reality is there are no options when everyone is keeping things open like this, constantly wondering if they can do or find better. They have made it so that dopamine hit from getting a match is enough to keep us in their game, but we get nothing out of it but that moment. I had inboxes full of matches on all of the apps, and I really had ALL of them, but no one could hold a conversation. So it’s futile.
That last date flaking made me so mad because I had the tiniest glimmer of hope that I never truly asked for, only to have it dashed so pathetically. What really is the point?! Dates flaking has become the norm. I hate it. People ghosting is the norm. I hate it. People are fucking cowards. I hate it. I would rather someone tell me they are no longer feeling it or simply changed their mind. No worries, I get that. But the endless lies I have no tolerance for in my life. None. When you lie to someone you are revoking their ability to have an authentic reaction or experience in their life and your own, so what is the fucking point?!
Covid is having the worst and longest wave we have seen since 2020. No, you won’t likely see much about it covered in any media because that is what media is now, nothing important and mostly propaganda to keep us distracted. In my area alone it has been up 395% for the last 4 weeks with no signs of it waning soon. I don’t go out much as it is, but less so during these big surges. So unless someone approaches me at work, the parking lot at work, or my apartment’s parking lot, there’s really no chance of me meeting any prospects now. The apps were my only way to meet other singles in my area.
I am happy alone. I love my solitude. It allows me to be and feel things as I would naturally without the usual filter of others preferences or input or obligations or questions. I would like to share my life with someone, but it takes two to tango and I can’t magically conjure someone out of thin air. This isn’t some, “Oh the poor fat girl has low self esteem” issue. After that flaked date I got home and looked in the mirror aghast at how gorgeous I looked. For what?! To buy a lukewarm iced latte and sit in a horrifically uncomfortable chair only to find out they flaked and drive home?! No thank you! I mean it truly is a shame that with what I have to offer, and it’s a lot, that there really isn’t a platform or place or way to connect with people who are genuinely interested.
There’s gotta be a better way, right? When the person of my dreams is likely sitting at home feeling all of these same things, and there’s no way for us to connect… I guess we all just die alone wondering what if. I know there are in person events around the country in big cities growing in popularity, but they are mostly for under 40’s and typically very hetero-normative and very not covid safe. I’m not willing to risk my life for a possibility at a chance at maybe meeting someone in person like that. My long cpvid symptoms are finally giving me some reprieve, but I am still struggling. And I know that I wouldn’t be compatible with someone who isn’t as safe as me, it really is an ethical and moral issue for me. I want someone to have my back in the revolution, not lie about shit.
So that’s it.
The next soul who dares to pitch woo in my direction better be ready to write some fucking sonnets! Because my peace will henceforth be my top priority!
(I am also seriously considering killing this blog at the end of the year. I don’t know that the archives would be of any interest or value to anyone. We have lost a lot of such content in recent years from our fat community and blogs of yore. It doesn’t seem that this blog is visited often enough that anyone would notice, though. I mean, I write for myself so it’s neither here nor there to me other than the annual expense.)
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I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.
Rad Fatty Love to ALL, <3 S
Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall currently donations will be given directly to Black women in need through my network.
Or get the same shared content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll
And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.) notblueatall@notblueatall.com
I see you holding it all in, doing your best to keep it all together, to not trouble a soul with your needs or existence. So much taken away, yet you persist and try each day. The struggle seems impossible but you do not give up. Such strength, such determination! I see you hoping and dreaming, even in the midst of the world crumbling before your very eyes. I see you give and pour yourself into who and what little you have left to connect with and hold onto. It doesn’t matter if they don’t see or care. You wanting to do it is enough. Others refusal to see or care is not your cross to bear. For yours is a life of depth and love, regardless of any type of romance. I love you and I am sorry that you must continue on, on your own, always.
I wrote a series of posts back in 2011 that really helped me start my life over again after leaving my marriage and selling my cafe. I thought about just revising and updating them, but instead I took a different approach. I still think those posts are helpful, especially as a jumping off point or as prompts to get you thinking about things a lil’ differently. I hope more than anything that this connects with you, even in a small way. Feel free to add your thoughts or comments below.
What matters to you? This can take some time but give it some thought. Deep down, do you have some core principles or beliefs that have never changed for you? For me that would be fighting for the “underdog”. When I was younger I leaned a bit too hard on the fighting part and it took me well into my thirties to do the real work which is listening to the marginalized. The fight only helps or works if you listen to those with the experience of what you’re fighting for or against. Listening to ourselves is so important, too. Listen to your inner thoughts and pay attention to how your body reacts in different situations or different people. It can be shocking to discover how much of yourself you have hidden away or tamped down or contorted in order to make things easier or better for others. When you know what matters most to you, you can then do more of what aligns with your true self and begin building the life you’ve always wanted. Your confidence will increase, things like others negative comments or obligatory family things feel less stressful when you know what You are all about. You are an adult and can opt out of any and all things that make you feel less than or gross about.
Who do you look up to and why? What qualities do they have that you admire? Are there qualities you have that you don’t like? I found that I admired people who were quick to admit their own faults and learn from them rather than those who would cover them up or get defensive. I looked up to people who read books and had an inner fascination with the world. I always loved people who sought out, fought for, and revealed the truth to all. Rarely the popular ones, but something about that fierce integrity always captivated me. So, back in 2010, I made a commitment to myself to stop lying entirely. I started small, by not lying to myself about things and people and soon challenged myself to stop lying for niceties sake. It was a big game changer for me. It shifted my outlook on myself, life, and other people, too. You can make very small changes that will have a ripple effect and really turn things around before you know it!
It helps to think of these things in smaller and simpler terms. I am not a goal oriented person. I do like a challenge, however, so that is what helped me to change parts of myself and become more aligned with who I wanted to be. I would challenge myself to try something, to push beyond my comfort zone. Even so far as scaring myself a little. Wow! That really changed my life! I opened a business, walked in fashion shows, danced on stages, sang in public, went for jobs I never would have dreamed of. Push yourself a little, see what happens. You will surprise yourself with what you’re capable of. Now I am able to look back, even in my darkest moments, and know that I really did those things. Just over five years ago I would cry myself to sleep sometimes hoping, wishing, dreaming of one day being able to rent an apartment of my own (as in with no roommates or partners). It felt so unattainable. I thought I’d be living in roommate hell or makeshift housing forever. I have been happily living solo for five years exactly! Even as I was making the changes I needed to and was working towards this long sought outcome, it didn’t seem possible or real. Now I have to laugh at that but we are rarely the ones to see right away how our hard work has paid off, so to speak.
You will need to create boundaries for how you will accept being treated by others. This will not be easy, and it will likely be painful. You get to decide how you want to be treated. You do not have to accept being treated as less than. You do not have to bear witness and sit helplessly while others tear you down. Yes, even if it’s family. You are an adult who gets to choose who you want in your life, and who you want to share company or your free time with. If you feel like shit whenever you interact with someone, you get to say when you have had enough and you won’t tolerate it anymore. That will often mean cutting people out of your life entirely. Not always, but it is difficult for people to see how their own behavior affects others, and they get to decide if they want to change in order to keep you in their lives. You do not have to put up with assholes and bullies. Especially when it is family, friends, or even your own intrusive thoughts.
Does the life you want include feeling like dog poo? Demand better and be willing to walk away from people and things that don’t make you feel welcome and valued.
Get out of the scarcity mindset. I still struggle with this. Just because someone came from nothing, or is struggling with poverty now, or is older or fatter or whatever, it does not mean that they are less deserving of something. You do not deserve less just because you don’t feel like your best self or are going through a tough time or are different from someone else. Just because I’m not rolling in riches doesn’t mean I don’t know how to have fun or enjoy my life. No matter what you look like or came from, you are very much desirable and even a dream date to others. You don’t get to decide how others feel about you, it honestly doesn’t even matter what others think of you. If you are living in alignment with the life you want and the person you want to be, the people and opportunities will come. You do not need to fit into someone else’s box or ideas of you in order to be happy. This is about you and your life, no one else’s.
Think about how you can accommodate yourself now for the life and body you’re in today. Putting off things “until…” is self sabotaging, in my opinion. That goalpost will likely keep moving and no one on their deathbed wishes they ate less or did less things with fewer people. Whatever the inhibitor, ultimately it is us that holds ourselves back from the things we want or dream of. When I was inspired to open a cafe years ago, I wanted my friends to talk me out of it, though I never said so. Part of me still felt less than and unqualified or unworthy. I thought surely someone who loves me will tell me not to do it. Not a single person said a single negative or worrisome thing about it. My nearest and dearest were my biggest supporters. That is how it should be of course, but it was never clearer to me than then. I think I wanted to be let off the hook but everyone was so excited for me to do this big thing that scared the shit out of me. So I did it anyway! Do the scary thing, often that fear can be fuel or even confused for excitement. Also, make accommodations for yourself in just practical ways like maybe you love cooking but you have back pain that prevents you from doing the prepwork or whatever. Get a rolling stool for your kitchen or a smaller table you can use to do that work sitting down. Just because we have been taught to do things a certain way doesn’t mean there’s no other ways and you have to give up things that you enjoy. Get a shower stool or buy that lotion applicator so you can use the lovely smelling lotion that makes you feel dreamy. Shame and guilt suck the joy out of life, release it and find new ways to get back to or discover the things that bring you more joy, not less.
It took me ages to understand what it means to truly enjoy your own company. When I found myself moving back to the hometown that I experienced horrific trauma, during one of the lowest points in my adult life, I was faced with fighting my own demons on top of everything else I was going through. I was dating someone that wasn’t right for me, but was close enough that I settled for four years of what was really just gaslighting and a good sense of humor. It was really hard for me to be alone with myself and not disassociate or lean into old habits and self harm. I stumbled a lot, but felt determined to survive and find my way to the other side of my own CPTSD hell. Sometimes I kept on keeping on out of sheer spite. It works for me, but your mileage may vary. I would be in my worst moments and then think of like Mitch McConnell and just think fuck that guy why does he get to be happy? Certainly I am deserving of a decent life if that evil motherfucker is still kicking and smiling. Also, super volcanoes. It was comforting for me at times when very depressed to go to sleep and tell myself that a super volcano can erupt at any time and I wouldn’t even know it, I’d just be gone. Poof! Again, we all have things that can help us through, I think because I went through some true horrors so young that things like that can feel better than the things I actually experienced. Find what helps you and use it!
A lot of our developmental years are spent having adults in our lives tell us things and insist they are the only or right way to be or think or feel or live. I recently heard this phrase, “Who taught you that and why?” and it can really help find things that you were taught that a.) aren’t actually true/right and b.) are not in alignment with who you are or want to become. So much of our upbringing is learning how to just be in the world, but our adult lives are more about finding our own way in the world. which often requires unlearning a lot of what we were taught. Some things I was raised to believe have been helpful and meaningful but some of it was and has been actually harmful. I learned my work ethic from my dad and grandma, and that has definitely helped me in life but it has also harmed me. My dad worked a full shift with a burst appendix, while working in retail management back in the day, and then drove himself to the ER. I had pneumonia for a month while working overtime as a retail manager, and I do not recommend it. I think many of us are raised with a specific idea of what success looks like, especially in American Capitalism, but is it what you truly want or view as success? It’s not for me, though I was also duped by those beliefs. I was climbing the corporate ladder and had a career I never could have dreamed of only to constantly feel like a fish out of water trying to fit in with the wolves of the corporate world. Don’t let others beliefs or desires dictate what matters to you.
Check in with yourself often. Life happens quickly and if you don’t stop to check in with how you’re really feeling about things you can easily get overwhelmed or feel out of control. Maybe you feel like nothing is going your way or you’re in a rut. So what would change that? What would make you feel more engaged or in control of your life? Sometimes it can be the smallest thing that can completely change how you feel about your life. Clothes have always been a struggle for me, and then of course having to organize them in some way always felt out of reach and stressful. When my clothes rack broke years ago and I was lamenting the mountain of chaos it made in my room, a friend offered to help me install an exterior closet sort of thing. It was such a simple solution, took all of ten minutes to install, and it lifted such an emotional burden from my mind. The next few weeks I would smile every time I walked into my room and saw my pretty dresses all hung up together instead of feeling overwhelmed and ashamed at the mess. Things we put off or ignore or pretend are fine usually feel way bigger than they really are. Putting off a phone call you’re dreading always feels worse than actually getting that call over with. Whew!
Did you used to love something but was shamed by others? Did your parents forbid you from or take something away that you always wished you could go back and have again? Find a way to bring that or its elements back into your life. There’s a lot to be said of nostalgia, but it does give your brain a lil’ hit of dopamine. It also helps to heal some things from childhood whether we want to address them or not. I was dating someone who was an excellent gift giver. They gave me a special anniversary edition of Strawberry Shortcake for my birthday one year. When I opened the box just a smidge to see if it smelled like it did in the 80’s, the joy and absolute dreamy-pleasure of it and the memories it evoked, unmatched. But it doesn’t have to be a thing, maybe it’s music you weren’t allowed to listen to or perhaps you were told you couldn’t sing so you stopped. Find something that recaptures that pure happy feeling you had back when. Maybe it’s a dish your grandma made or a place you used to visit. It all may sound frivolous, but it can be so powerful it will knock your socks off. This has helped me with reparenting myself, too. When you grow to not trust adults at a young age even hearing the word reparent sounds revolting, but these little nuggets of childhood awe and joy led me to what I really needed then, a parent I could trust and would protect me. So now I do that for myself and it is helping me in so many ways.
Once you know what you want in life, and who you want to be and not just what you were told you needed to be, you get to practice and adopt these attributes and ways of being for yourself and create the life you can truly enjoy. When they say “fake it ’til you make it” it is really just another way of saying “practice makes perfect”. First of all, perfection is a myth, toss that concept out the window! No one and nothing is perfect, never has been and never will be. Practice is how we get good at things. You didn’t just come into the world walking or talking or snapping your fingers. You had to learn, which takes practice. You have to try on and practice this new person and life you’re trying to become. Something that helped me practice is having a little sign with an affirming phrase or photo on the inside of your door and on your bathroom mirror, somewhere you look at at least twice a day. One of mine was “You’re a total badass!” and another was, “You’re fucking awesome!” I like swear words, you may or may not, whatever works for you is the point. You don’t have to believe what it says at first, but I encourage you to read it aloud at least once a day. On my mirror at home now I have this silly little stick figure flossing their teeth with the words “floss them shits!” on it, and I love it, I laugh every time I see it and I don’t forget to floss.The things we surround ourselves with have an impact. I soon found myself not just saying, but believing and ultimately knowing that I am a total badass. Nothing can take that away from me now, it is me. For me, being a total badass at its core is caring. I care, often more than I should, but I care deeply and I refuse to feel ashamed of that anymore. To be kind and caring in this world is punk as fuck!
All that matters is you and how you feel about you. I use the deathbed metaphor a lot, but if I can look back and have no regrets, then I feel good, ya know? I don’t regret not fitting in or never becoming class president, even though they felt important at the time. I didn’t get the opportunities others have had. I have had to fight and work hard as hell to even survive but I am a wonderful person to know and be around with unbeatable integrity as a result. I know that my principles have never wavered. I have always cared, but I used to hide it and suffer because of that. I let go of the guilt and shame I was raised with and decided for myself what success looks like. I never saw myself as a corporate climber, but found myself trying so hard to be that even though it never felt right. Trust your intuition to tell you when things aren’t right for you, it won’t steer you wrong. Most of my very few regrets are when I ignored my intuition because I felt I had to or was trying to be nice, but it wasn’t nice for me in the end. If something feels off, hit pause and find out why, or simply get the fuck out of there. I may have missed out on things that traditionally others look back on as their glory days but those people rarely like themselves now. Me? I love myself! I can honestly say that. It took a ton of work to get here but I don’t need others’ validation to feel good about myself now.
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I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.
Rad Fatty Love to ALL, <3 S
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