I have not shared much about my life with long covid, though no one can say that I’ve been quiet about it, but I have had a few people reach out with gratitude for sharing a tiny bit of LC life and so if it can help others, I’m here for it. My symptoms have been consistent but also consistently sporadic. This past weekend my tinnitus had suddenly returned for an extended episode this time and it had me very alarmed. I had almost forgotten what hell it was to live with for months on end. I didn’t tell anyone about it when it was at its worst last year because I think I was afraid of being gaslit or being called a hypochondriac. Now it is a random occurrence, usually less than five minutes. This time it was a little over two hours. While many of my symptoms have waned in severity, some go away for days or weeks and then come back out of nowhere. It is annoying for sure, but imagine already having your life so limited by this viral persistence and having more symptoms suddenly and then not and so on.

I have more good days than bad now and for that I am very grateful. The bad days are really bad though. Taking a shower can feel herculean in exertion sometimes, but for many months it was every time. It is hard to stay motivated and want to start your day when you don’t know if you can even make it through the day without collapsing. I have had such great improvement lately that when these random symptom episodes occur it kind of hits me harder, even though I was used to them a few months ago. My whole-body pain isn’t as bad as it was just three months ago, but then Saturday it was so hard to even move. Sunday I felt great and was able to do laundry and make my bed and other chores as well as doing my nails. Sunday night though I had the worst episode of chills since the acute phase of my only Covid infection last year. Mind you it was 65 degrees outside, so warmer inside by a bit, and I had full body chills that felt like my bones were turning into ice. I checked my temperature three times, convinced I was sick again. Nope, no fever. I was bundled in my down-alternative comforter as well as my usual summer comforter, and I was absolutely freezing.

Insomnia is kind of the worst part, at least in its variance of type and severity. I can usually fall asleep fine, which is huge for someone who has had insomnia for over thirty years, but I seem to always wake up a couple of hours later and then getting back to sleep feels impossible. I wake up feeling as though I was physically ripped from the deepest state of pleasant unconsciousness and then WHAM I’m awake. I have tried all the things I am willing to (I am not fucking around with the Ambien walrus – if you have other suggestions not OTC please share), but this is definitely long covid related. Same with my digestive issues. I went off all of my supplements by accident but was actually feeling really good about it for about six weeks. I just started my probiotic again this morning and have now added a simple multi vitamin. I was taking 8 different supplements every morning for about six months. The first thing that I noticed that really helped was a mushroom supplement that I am convinced got rid of my tinnitus. I thought that the natokinese had gotten rid of my brain fog, but wouldn’t that have returned after stopping it? Hmm…

Because every symptom is not constant, it makes it tougher to support. I can’t say treat because there is no treatment for long covid yet. I do all I can to support my symptoms with what I have access to, knowing full well that the medical world is not yet ready to even approach it and will predictably dismiss it as mental health issues. Ugh! I have had to learn how to support myself through some pretty horrific health crises these last few years. Long covid made that even more clear, that I have to be the grown up, for myself. I am glad I live alone most of the time because the way I have embraced openly moaning and groaning and whining when I’m feeling terrible has really helped me keep my motivation to at least try to do things that are hard or painful. When your entire body is screaming in pain, I figure why not join the chorus?! It sucks when I’m in pain like that at work though, it doesn’t happen often anymore, but I can’t openly groan in the office. Ha-ha!

Living with long covid for fifteen months is no easy feat! Only 7% ever fully recover, and since this is a SARS related thing, many from the SARS1 epidemic are still suffering its effects. That is an upsetting fucking statistic. I am hopeful for the future, but that future seems to be getting further and further away as more and more millions are suffering from this virus’ effects. What occurred to me today, after reading some LC community folks posting about their current symptoms, was how my brain fog hasn’t come back. I don’t wanna jinx it, but sincerely, it is the most fucked up thing to not be able to trust your own brain. Sure, sometimes it was funny things like only shaving one leg and then going about my day as though it was normal. Other times I would be standing in my kitchen not knowing at all what I was doing before or after that moment. I struggled to carry conversation, my bestie can attest to that one, as my thoughts would suddenly evaporate mid sentences. It was so frustrating and felt physically terrible too. I don’t miss it one bit but I also didn’t realize how long it has been since that was a pretty regular occurrence for me.

The absolute worst is fatigue. Oh my gosh! THE FATIGUE! This isn’t tired or exhausted, this is medical grade collapse, or at least that’s what I call it. Add the body pain on top of it and you really start to struggle to even see the point in existing. Adding more symptoms on top of those and so on and so on…fifteen months later and I’m somehow still kickin’! When the heart palpitations first started I was scared af! I used a heart rate app and would get so annoyed every time my heart rate was normal because it did not feel normal. The body can get used to a lot of shit you would neer imagine it could. Ask anyone with a chronic illness, most would love to have former versions of their current condition, especially if/when medical pros have let them down at every turn.

If you see someone you know to be chronically ill smiling or going about their life seemingly “okay”, trust that it is no small thing to a chronically ill person. We may be having a better day than usual and trying to take advantage before the next crash. We are often put in a position to tend to and even coddle the feelings of others if we express our truths or even share that we’re in pain at all. Please read that sentence again. Most people don’t want to hear that anyone isn’t feeling well, but if you haven’t been feeling well for years, they will treat you as if it is entirely your fault. They will suggest the most absurd things to “fix” the issues you have been suffering from and living with. Or straight up insisting you’re lying/faking, or the classic, “Other people have it so much worse!” which forces us into further isolation and makes us not trust people. People you think love and care for you will slip away from your life without warning, notice or apparent reason, but you’ll know deep down why. People quickly become uninterested when you don’t improve. They assume, wrongly, that you haven’t done all you can to get better. They have very little grasp of what the chronic part means when it comes to illness.

I have been incredibly fortunate to have a job and a boss that is empathetic and understanding and so I have been able to continue to house and feed myself through my illness. Had I worked anywhere else I am certain I would have been forced to live on the street. I am often in disbelief at the good fortune I have had in my job the last several years. I’m an office manager, which is a lot of desk work, but it also requires that I get up and run around a lot. I have really struggled with both aspects of my job since getting covid. I did get my infection at work, from a teammate. I had taken off my mask for all of 2 minutes to drink some water, he didn’t know he was infected and had only met up outdoors with family. It takes literal seconds to become infected and the longer your exposure the more viral load you are taking on. There is no mild covid. Your initial symptoms through the acute phase are your body’s immune response in full battle mode. Many who have had no symptoms, asymptomatic cases are over 60% and the cause of most spread (in my opinion), or very “mild” symptoms are due to a lack of immune response. Some have called those with more severe symptoms as having a “loud immune system”.

I have had people insist I cannot have long covid because I haven’t been diagnosed by a doctor. If you know anything about covid, regular or long, you know that doctors don’t know shit! Not only do they not know shit, they don’t want to know! They will insist you have anxiety or psychosis and will tell you loudly and unmasked every time! The truth of my long covid is that I have far less anxiety than I did before my infection, I can’t explain it, but it is true for me. Going to any medical setting right now is more dangerous to my health than not seeking medical care. The medical industry has abandoned all sense and reason, I refuse to place myself in more danger of further and worse infection from a deadly and disabling pathogen in order to get an official diagnosis. Long covid has a set of symptoms that are pretty core and standard to those who have it, but most of us have a bunch of other symptoms due to our unique and individual systems. I knew about six weeks after my symptoms started to come back after the acute phase of the infection that I had long covid.

If you have read this far, I beg of you, wear a N95/KN95 mask or better (P100 and others exist!) any time you’re around other humans. The majority of people are either grossly misinformed or are operating on information from 2020. We are no longer living in 2020 and the current variants of SARS2/Covid19 are nothing like it was then. We must adapt to our current reality to survive. SARS2 is a vascular virus that damages all organs, but seems to specifically enjoy attacking our brains. It can cause cancer cells to reactivate, diabetes, hair loss, reproductive issues and so so much more. If you are a fat bodied individual, you already know how we get treated in healthcare settings. I promise you that this will not improve if you get covid or long covid. Each infection increases your chances of getting long covid by 10x. Like, for real, don’t fuck around because you will find out! Oh and our pets are getting it, passing it, and dying from it too. I cannot help but wonder if my puggo’s sudden illness and decline was somehow related to covid (my only infection was almost a year later).

Please be safe, stay smart, stay masked! Get your booster shots, the new Novavax formulated for the newest variants, gave me ZERO SIDE EFFECTS! I had to pay out of pocket, but it was worth it for me. I hope more people will speak up and out about this information, but unfortunately I know that most people are not able to actually listen to it. If you have questions or seeking resources for covid related things, please leave a comment or email me, I will respond. Take care.

To poop. Yeah, really. I was planning a road trip to Portland Oregon for the Knockout PDX fashion event later this month. I was very excited as this is a mask required event, only four hours long, and I’d get to see my bestie again IRL. I bought my ticket, only $33, and started planning the rest. For once an event that I know I would have loved was accessible to me in our current reality of a global Sars2 pandemic. The rest of the world? Not so much.

You see, as I began to look for lodging and a rental car, I soon discovered not everything was as it appeared to be. I have had great luck with past Air bnb stays in a few different cities in the USA. In fact, last year I met up with my childhood bestie in Reno for my birthday and rented a townhouse for us to chill in for a few days as we caught up on each other’s lives. It was the perfect location, everything was within walking distance, had modern amenities and all was good. I mean, the stairs were a pain for both of us, but we managed. 

The issue I had with it was where the damn toilet was. This townhouse had two master suites, so we each had our own bedroom with adjoining restroom. Being a strictly shower taking person, I chose the one with the standup shower so she could have a nice bath if desired. For some reason, my big master bathroom had a toilet in a little room of its own inside the restroom. Nothing else in it, just the toilet, window, and door. I called it a shitbox in jest, but my giggles died quickly when it was too narrow for me to wipe my own ass!  No seriously, I had to contort in a way I haven’t ever had to even in a tiny public restroom stall. In the end I had to open the door and use the jam as leverage to twist in the right way in order to reach. Awful!

This all came flooding back to me when I began to look for lodging for my lil’ road trip. I started to pay more attention to where and how the toilet was situated in the listings. I also started to notice how many didn’t include a photo of the toilet at all. I was looking in two locations for a two part trip sort of thing, so part of it was far more rustic. I wanted to avoid outhouses since I tend to get up at least once in the night to pee around 3:30 am. I cannot imagine trying to navigate a strange place in the wilderness at night in search of an outhouse. No thanks. But even modern homes in downtown Portland and surrounding areas had odd configurations due to type of sink or vanity or if it had its own little shitbox room. 

I had already had an eye for accessibility but rarely have I had to consider regular restrooms in a home an issue. Knowing that most Americans are not small bodied, it really boggles the mind that these design choices were made at all. I also noticed how many listings would take pictures at very odd or stretched out angles so you really couldn’t tell how much space was there. I started to see the entire Air bnb endeavor as a misinformation campaign. There are a lot of accessibility options for when you’re searching for a listing, but it doesn’t seem that most hosts care to bother with them at all. I found some that had safety rails by the toilet and in the shower with no mention of it in the listing. While others listed “no stairs to access unit” with several pictures of massive flights of stairs. 

I ended up canceling the Portland part of my trip all together as trying to plan it became so stressful it made me emotional. The point was for me to have a nice simple vacation, I hardly ever take time off, and it is very much needed. I didn’t want my vacation to be stressful in any way, shape, or form. I realized at one point that I would be spending two entire days of my week off in the car driving for 12-13 hours. Then I had an issue with the car rental options and before even gas and food I would have been spending over $1500! I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t justify it.

So now I am back to my original plan, which was to get a lil’ cabin in the woods and have my own little solo writer’s retreat amongst the redwoods. That is what I now have booked. A little A-frame cabin, just me and my old-ass Toyota and only a 3.5 hours drive to and from. I will be in the wilderness but only a 15 minute drive to the beach. It is still a lot of money for me, but nowhere near even half what doing the Portland trip would have cost me. And now I can just bring my own groceries and relish in the solitude and nature. I am very much looking forward to it. I suppose I should buy one of those headlamp things for my late night trips to the restroom, for safety’s sake. Ha-ha!

Have you had issues with restrooms like this? I think hotels have to do a better job with spacing and accessibility since they want to attract all types of folks and likely have more stringent regulations to consider. Restrooms feel like an afterthought, it seems, when modern offerings rave about their massive open floor plan and amenities but the restroom is cramped and uninviting. I want a big bathroom with good lighting! I don’t even need a big tub, though that would be lovely too. I kind of enjoy seeing all of the funky decor people use in these listings, but most are very basic and grey and oh well I guess. I just hadn’t thought to actually seek out photos of toilets before! Ha-ha! The amount of listings I could have stayed in versus what I whittled down to would be shocking. I mean, some truly gorgeous locales and well appointed listings, but completely inaccessible to anyone with larger than 40″ hips, lemme tell ya. 

What other accessibility features do you look for when searching for lodging or traveling in general? I know for me, covid safety is number one, so hotels were not an option since they have shared air/hvac/common areas. I would love to hear how others approach these things. We are all only temporarily able bodied, after all. Certainly as we age or live with chronic issues, more things will require further consideration. And, hey…Everybody poops! Ha-ha!

***

I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall currently donations will be given directly to Black women in need through my network.

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog: http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same shared content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.) notblueatall@notblueatall.com

My horoscope today had one main takeaway:  Give yourself the permission to express your needs, wants and desires. 

I was telling a colleague about when my roommate’s dog had passed away and how the outpouring of love and gifts and support and affection she received from her coworkers and friends and family was such a shock to me. I had never seen people show up like that for pet loss. My roommate was someone who very much wore her heart on her sleeve, though, so I wondered if that might be why. Thinking back though, I have suffered many great losses, not least of which being my own puggo’s sudden passing. When I think back to those who offered support, showed up for me, or even sent a card of condolence? Two people instantly come to mind (I’m certain you know who you are, too). Outside of them? No one. I even had a friend recently invite me out, “We can walk our pups together!” they gleefully suggested. They had forgotten about my loss entirely. I can’t blame them, we’re not that close of friends to be honest, but it was a bit surprising, too.

I remember attending a funeral of someone I admired and shared community with and hearing these incredible stories from those close to her. I also noticed how so many who knew her never truly felt that they really knew her at all, that there was always this air of mystery. It really struck a chord with me because I realized how that could very easily be said of me. I have a very small friend group and do keep myself to myself pretty much. Yeah I used to share a lot more of myself online here and elsewhere, but that isn’t the same as knowing a person. I wonder what people say about me to others when I’m not around. Not in a way that I feel judged, but I am genuinely curious what impression folks hold of me and if I also am someone people don’t feel they can truly know or get close to.  I’ve heard that I am intimidating, which always confuses me, but I’m actually pretty darn friendly.

I do feel as though I know myself better than most people ever get the chance to know themselves. That’s trauma, baby! Oh yeah! Because it was never my intention. Had you asked me a few years ago I likely would have felt very differently but maybe not so close to the truth as I am now. I was more naive, certainly. I often feel like an overcomplicated mathematical equation no one wants to take the time to figure out. I get it! I didn’t always wanna figure myself out either. Haha! Spend a little time, though and it’s gonna be a good one, that I do know. I refuse to be one of those people who view their trauma as a gift, I have worked too hard to heal from it to even begin to play around in that nonsensical toybox. My traumas have given me many skills. Hard won or learned for survival, hardly a gift, though some skills have benefited me over the years and even into my latest career. Being served a piping hot plate of extreme violence everyday of your teenage life for five years is never gonna be a gift, no matter how you wanna slice it. Fuck that!   

My feelings were never considered or nurtured growing up. I would often disappear into very close friendships because at least it felt like someone cared about me. I had a bestie from K-6th grade, we were practically joined at the hip. I probably spent as much time at her house as my own. My wants and tastes and desires were the same as hers because I kind of put her on a pedestal. I always felt pale and ugly beside her but that was okay because she was my bestie and I could just be her sidekick. She had blond hair and blue eyes, and that straight shiny hair everyone uses flat irons for nowadays, but it was the 80’s so crimping was all the rage. Ha! She introduced me to music and fashion before anyone else. She had two parents with jobs and a younger brother. They seemed like an all American working class family. That seemed aspirational to me even at 6 years old. 

If I asked too many questions at home or shed tears I would get popped in the mouth. Simple as that. So I learned not to show or share my feelings. I learned to stop asking for anything at all. Even for things I needed like shoes or stuff for school or even to get permission slips signed, I would just make up something to tell the teacher instead. It was easier than trying to get my mom to pry her face out of a book or my dad to read a piece of paper or listen to me explain the need to get it signed. I knew my family was poor when I was 5 years old, and I had to learn in kindergarten that what other kids saw as normal I would never have or become. 

As I work through reparenting techniques in my healing journey, it has been eye opening to say the least that hearing a compassionate style of parenting in very simple terms on instagram brought me to my knees and sobbing loudly. Hearing this mom talk to her toddler having big confusing feelings just acknowledge and be present for him? I was in shock! It’s not that I didn’t know this existed, I helped raise my siblings and nannied for a few years. I would never yell at or hit a child ever; I could never! So it wasnt that I didn’t know, but hearing and seeing it in action was so impactful for me. If you don’t already follow Korean Dad online, seek him out! His content is what got me started on the reparenting thing because it was the first to show me what I was missing in my life all along, that presence and compassion. 

So I worked my way up to this ripe middle age of 45 years old and I wonder who and what gives me the support and comfort and compassion in my life. It was always exterior until I had no one else to look towards for those things. My puggo was my greatest source of love, joy, silliness, and comfort. Now it’s just me. I get to be gentle and tender with myself and compassionate when long term illness has turned my world upside down. Standing here alone, metaphorically speaking, I wonder how to create the relationships I want and need that will push me to do and be better while feeling supported. I really struggle to meet anyone who shares any of my basic values, so how can I ask for or expect more than even just that?! By keeping to myself for so long I was able to survive but that has meant keeping the world at arm’s length, for the most part. 

I miss the feeling of spending time with someone and feeling energized by it. It is so incredibly hard for me to feel safe anywhere with anyone, and that is not even getting into my actual trust issues. As I dig deeper in my healing and further my understanding of myself, I see all too clearly how others lie to themselves and each other and it creates a real barrier for me to even want to start something because it feels like an impossible hurdle. Lying is a huge sticking point for me. It is one thing to lie in order to survive, no judgement there ever. But if lying is just part of your daily life? I’m out, I can’t be around people like that. They are choosing to waste their one precious life lying. That is not something I want to expend energy on at all. The only good thing about adulthood is that I don’t have to do that shit if I don’t want to, so I refuse. It makes interpersonal relationships harder, though. 

The thing I am currently working through is so simple it is almost embarrassing. Simply put, I am a human, I have needs. I know this intellectually, but feeling connected to my needs is a very different thing and I find that I often ignore or refuse to acknowledge my own needs and desires. I will smile and stand painfully in place as my “batteries” run out completely, leaving myself painfully limping for the rest of the day and sometimes even the next, to prioritize or appear “normal” to others and this alone is fucking me up on the regular. I do better when I can keep moving, but things come up and there isn’t always an opportunity for me to sit down or keep walking.  That is just the first one that comes to mind, but it happens often and is the most painful. I understand others don’t know my needs unless I vocalize them. I also struggle with trying to fulfill a need of my own but end up having to explain so much to someone who doesn’t know, or is questioning for whatever reason, that I expend more energy by doing so. It feels impossible, but everything does lately.

I have these strong inner protests with myself. Ha-ha! It feels a bit like arguing with a toddler at times. From trying to coax myself to eat, to going to bed, or especially anything to do with mail or bills, I just wanna fight it all so much. I’m doing well with it all though, compared to even a month ago. Having long covid kinda feels like I’m constantly having to recalibrate my energy or focus all of the time. My memory and overall brain fog has vastly improved over the last few months, and I am sooooo relieved for that! However, the core of my symptoms remains mostly the same. Although I did forget to refill my pill organizer one day and didn’t realize I had suddenly stopped all of my supplements a week later. Oops! Fortunately, I have not noticed any negative side effects since stopping. In fact, I think my digestion may be improving, but I’m a little scared to call it in fear of jinxing it. Ha-ha! I had been on a prebiotic/probiotic since a few months after my gallbladder removal surgery. Maybe I don’t need it anymore?

Feeling better now just means I am having a better time at home alone. Ha! I am still not really going anywhere but work and the occasional park or grocery trip. I am forever grateful and in awe of the boss and team I have at work. I love my office and most of the people I work with are awesome. My commute is short and I recently got back into podcasts to help alleviate the stress of driving in traffic. The “Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend” podcast has had me laughing instead of cursing at dangerous drivers. I recommend it! I also adore”99% Invisible”, which gives deep dives in short form on a range of interesting topics. I do feel like I am listening to the same music all of the time though. I would love to hear something new that just kicks my head in, so leave me your recs if you got ’em. 

So I gotta figure out a way to open myself up to others while also honoring and staying connected to my own needs. Not in a huge rush since no one is acting right about covid protections these days, but who knows?! Maybe some fabulous leftist is out there seeking me as well, in their well fitted mask. That is the main issue though, most covid smart folks are staying the hell home. Ha-ha! There’s even covidmeetups.com but it was not designed in an intuitive way and so you end up just getting rerouted to FB groups instead (which I’m already in). Oh well. 

Are you dealing with these types of things, too? Have you found ways to work through old patterns and make new ones? Have you had success reparenting yourself? I would love to hear all about it! I had such wonderful progress and breakthroughs last year using psilocybin, but no longer have access. I want to be creative again and make art but haven’t had a spark of inspiration in awhile. I am planning a lil road trip soon so at least I have that to look forward to.

***

I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall currently donations will be given directly to Black women in need through my network.

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog: http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same shared content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.) notblueatall@notblueatall.com

Picture it: It was 2019 and I was finally in a job I liked and felt as though I was starting to finally build and live the life I’d always wanted. For my birthday that year I decided to start crossing things off my bucket list. First among them was a seahorse preserve in Hawaii, on the Big Island. I did a lot on that trip and learned so much about myself and the native people of Hawaii. It is because of that trip, and my love and respect for that island and its people, that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to return. Just 6 weeks later I was flying off to Seattle for a weekend, to visit a friend, and to just enjoy Seattle in general. I sat in cafes and ate in cute bistros, relishing in new and interesting settings, visiting old ones too. I felt so liberated and mature and as though I had control of my own destiny. I thoroughly enjoyed my little excursions, and had planned to do so many more, but just two months later everything in the world changed.

The world as we knew it in 2019 is gone. I think we must all take a moment to reflect on that. There is no going back and living in the past will not help any of us survive the harsh future at our doorstep. The world we live in now is similar to the dystopian nightmare scenarios long written about in fiction for the last hundred or so years. To better understand where we are now, we should be looking to the post pandemic era of the 1900’s and the eugenics and anti semitism that followed. We are in exactly the same place it feels like. Having better science and technology did us no favors it seems in fighting another airborne virus that continues to kill millions. Public health crises such as these lay bare all of the inequities of the world. While many middle and upper class folks were simply told to work from home, the rest lost their jobs entirely, or were forced to continue to work with little to no protections or support under the guise of “essential workers”. 

What we are seeing now is the backlash of folks who were never truly impacted by the virus in that they didn’t lose their own health (or refuse to admit it) or loved ones, maintained their careers or livelihoods, and now any visual reminder of what they saw as a huge inconvenience (staying home for a few months) sends them into an apoplectic rage. They scream, “The pandemic’s over!” and, “You don’t need a mask!” and seem all together overly focused on what other people are doing to protect themselves and their loved ones as some sort of affront to their insistence that “It’s over!” Many conscientious maskers have been violently attacked, some permanently injured. We have billionaires making treasonous choices whilst benefiting from our tax breaks and insisting they are for “100% free speech” while simultaneously spreading anti semitism and transphobia globally. There is a very us versus them mentality at play here, and it is entirely intentional. If they realized that we all share the air we breathe and that very air is contaminated with a level 3 airborne pathogen, they would have to consider the life and livelihoods of their fellow humans. They refuse to expand their minds to include the wants or needs of others, even insisting upon harming others to maintain their delusions. 

In the USA, during the pandemic that began in March of 2020, we now have less rights and less of a democracy in general. We have less healthcare, pay more for it, and are more likely to get sick and die attempting to seek that healthcare. Wages, for those who can find jobs, have been stagnant since the 70’s while housing and rents have gone up 160%+ in just the last 20 years. More money is in less hands and people are being pushed into impossible situations in order to survive. The media has chosen a dangerous path since 2015ish and it has only gotten worse since, all bought and paid for by those same few that control so much money and power over all of us. Yet these same people in powerful positions will tell us, the common folk, that “the pandemic is over, vax and relax, go back to living your lives, and everything is a-okay!” We can no longer see these people as leaders; they have led us closer to our own extinction. They are not living in the same reality that we are. Behind closed doors, most are being very careful and protecting themselves and their loved ones very strictly from the virus, while remaining quiet about it yet insisting it isn’t an issue…for the rest of us.

We have seen our climate change drastically before our own eyes these last twenty or so years, there really is no denying it. The messaging always being that we must do more to help our planet, knowing full well that it isn’t possible for individuals to fix what corporations and their profiteering have done and continue to do unabated. Many of the so-called fixes they sold us on were actually worse than what they replaced. We now ingest on average a credit card’s worth of microplastics each week. Knowing this doesn’t help or change anything, but I can’t shake that factoid from my mind. Or how the paper straws that were supposed to be better for the environment, are actually full of PFAS that are fucking us up everyday. We have had the hottest summer in recorded history and it isn’t going to magically improve just because some very loud and wrong guys insist it will. It could very well be the coolest summer we will experience henceforth.

Your local news in the USA is telling you daily how crime is up! (Shocker: Crime is not up, but police keep that message going in partnership with local news outlets so that they keep getting insider info from police. And the police are able to keep raising their budgets because we are primed to believe crime is always up.There’s a John Oliver episode about this, look it up.) Shoplifting is at a pinnacle! Nothing and nowhere is safe! And if that isn’t enough to scare you, there’s always the homeless that they can show you clips of to keep you silent and sedated in fear that it could happen to you if you step out of line. Here in the SF Bay Area, we have always had a large houseless population, it has simply become more visible during the pandemic as so many more have lost their housing and jobs because of it. They did a study recently in San Jose where they interviewed as many people living on the street as they could. You would be surprised by what they found. More than half of our local houseless population have full time jobs, many have more than one job. More than half were over the age of 50 and had housing and a job within the last six months. Many were forced onto the street due to healthcare costs/debts. Shelters are not safe for most and often a haven for abuse/abusers. Whoever you thought the houseless were, it is all of us, because it could be any of us at any time. More than 60% of Americans are living paycheck to paycheck with less than $1,000 in savings. Just one setback or financial hit could ruin anyone.

In my last post I mentioned briefly some change in my own feelings about folks dining in restaurants, even as a former restaurant owner myself. This change was brought on by the pandemic and how minimizers/deniers insist on being served in restaurants while millions are still dying from the virus. The ones booking holiday vacations on cruises the moment they opened up that industry again. The ones complaining about their vacations being ruined by the wildfires in Hawaii as natives are begging for help. The way they feel entitled to do as they please no matter the harm and cost to others, it is reprehensible to say the least. It is the way in which these folks have had violent outbursts on planes, attacking service workers all over, and just generally being the absolute worst people to be around ever. These despicable humans have made me see the light! Oh, no, not the that light. It has made me see clearly the class divides and the lies we are sold to keep those in power upholding the status quo. Nothing new, but once you see how everything is connected to white supremecist capitalism, there’s no unseeing it. It is ALL CONNECTED!

A couple of months ago I came across this article (try this link if you hit a paywall) and it very truly blew my mind in the best way. I highly recommend you read it and let it sink in, too. While my own travels have been very intentional and brief, comparatively speaking, it is a marker of class and race issues globally that I had not yet connected on my own. Not that the pandemic wasn’t enough of a reason for me to not want to travel, but now I see how harmful it actually is and always was. 

Travel itself is a status symbol, not that this is new at all. There was a time where it seemed more accessible, but I might chalk that up to my own previous naïveté. I constantly see dating profiles (that I swipe left on, thank you!) that say shit like, “130 countries down, 48 to go!” or whatever and I find it repulsive. I don’t begrudge those who seek out meaningful and life enriching experiences that may lead to travel. It is the passport stamp collectors, and those who insist on going somewhere for the sake of it, while learning nothing from the cultures they use and invade that I take issue with. Them and business travelers. We learned during the first year of the pandemic that most if not all business travel is absolutely unnecessary. It is an incredible waste of resources that are growing more scarce by the second.

I see now that the entitled will insist upon being served on the finest porcelain china as the planet burns before our eyes. There are those who feel more connection to the top 1% of the world’s wealthy elite than they do the average worker striking for fair wages or a houseless person living on the street.  The truth is very much the opposite! None of us will ever be wealthy, but many will find themselves stuck in poverty or worse. How we treat others is the legacy we leave behind as individuals, I think.

I solidly believe that human connection is the purpose of life. Capitalism is designed to break those connections, wear us all down, and keep us too tired, desperate, and distracted to think for ourselves, let alone fight back against our oppressors. It is all by design! They never have the money for universal healthcare and universal basic income, yet that defense budget goes up every fucking year! They can find ways to make tax cuts for their rich pals to get richer, but fuck the rest of us who actually pay our taxes. 

Before you “go out” for some fine dining or entertainment, ask yourself who and how many you are willing to kill in order to keep doing those things. I know it sounds dramatic, but it is the reality of our world right now. If you are sitting maskless in a restaurant of any kind, you are willingly and willfully risking not only your own health and livelihood, but that of every worker in that restaurant. That concert or comedy show you attend is put on by a swath of workers risking it all so that you can “go out”. There is no absolving yourself of this, you are doing it by your own volition. Every time you insist upon this shit, every time you are around other humans without a mask covering your nose and mouth holes, you are compromising lives! 

I have heard every argument and I know none are genuinely intended. No, the people of Hawaii do not need your tourist dollars, they need their clean drinking water back! Fuck the airlines, all of them. There are a lot of ways to do a lot of things safely, but how some insist upon the most harm in the name of the most inane things because they insist on being stuck in a past that has left them behind is unforgivable! It doesn’t have to be this way either, but again, a very small few threw us all under the bus and left us to die. Yes, even you! 

No one is immune to covid, I don’t care how many vaccines and boosters you’ve had. There is no hybrid or herd immunity. Stop swallowing the media’s lies and think critically for once. Wear a fucking mask, yes always when around other humans. If we all did this, we wouldn’t have to do it forever. Those of us who have been careful all along need to get more vocal about it, too! If we all take more safety measures, less people will die, period. Because I don’t know who I am passing on the street, and I would not want to be the cause of their loss of a loved one or loss of their own health or livelihood. Most of us don’t even get paid sick days, so it isn’t a fair play to say, “to each their own”.  We are all connected and breathe the same damn air! These masks will be needed for more fires and the toxins released into our atmosphere. It is inevitable. Our air and water are our most sought after resources, and it is already getting scary. 

I want us all to live long and fulfilling lives. No one is guaranteed health or longevity, but we can do things in our day to day lives that make it more possible. Wear a good mask, an N95 or a KN95 are best for disposables. There are reusable options like the Flo Mask. I like my Gata mask for work, it’s affordable, comfortable, and comes in fun colors. Please don’t cave to peer pressure, your life is literally on the line for this one, ya know? It is that serious. We are still very much in a global pandemic, it is very bad right now actually and only getting worse by the day. Because now we have less protections and even those in power working to make wearing masks illegal (I don’t think they can, it is a medical protection afterall, but they do like to try). You won’t really hear me talk much about vaccines because that is a personal choice and it does not prevent infection or transmission, only death and the most severe outcomes. The vaccines may reduce your chances of getting Long Covid, but even that is no promise. Even outside you should mask because being outside only reduces your risk by around 19% last I heard and that is only if you’re not in a crowded area. Sitting across from someone eating, drinking, and talking or laughing is actually a very high risk activity. I will write another post soon about my own mitigation strategies and products I use if others may find it useful. 

Please protect yourself and each other. We are all we got. 

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I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall currently donations will be given directly to Black women in need through my network.

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog: http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same shared content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.) notblueatall@notblueatall.com

***

I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall currently donations will be given directly to Black women in need through my network.

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog: http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same shared content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.) notblueatall@notblueatall.com