I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Beth or Bust!


This past weekend was full of such fun, but such struggle for me, too. After a whirlwind of a week at work office manager-ing, there was a dance night in downtown San Jose: Madonna Vs. Blondie, that a bunch of friends were meeting up for. I was so excited for it! After work I went home to rest and unwind before getting ready to dance the night away. I just kind of spaced out completely for two hours as I was fucking braindead! I did finally get myself together and changed and made it to the club before anyone else. It was more new wave music than just strictly Madonna and Blondie, but it was great music over all. When I first arrived though it was like a bad junior high dance flashback with everyone clinging to the walls and the deserted dance floor looked haunted! Ha-ha! I grabbed a cider at the bar and people watched until my friends arrived. Once they played the first Madonna song folks started to flood the dance floor. Once my friends arrived we spent the next three hours solid on the dance floor and I could barely walk the next day! So fun, though!

I literally spent Saturday just resting and recuperating from the previous night’s fun time. Everything was stiff and sore and I definitely over did it but no regrets! I had a blast and got to see my favorite people and hear awesome music all at once! Can’t beat that! I wish I had thought to take pics, but I also know that was the furthest thing from my mind at the time. I was so looking forward to that night for so long, ya know? But in the end I has to just sit at the bar until everyone was ready to leave. I felt really down for bit about it, too. But I know better and eventually snapped out of it. Aging bodies, injured bodies, require different things and can’t just keep going all night like the old days.
Sunday I had a ticket to see Beth Ditto at the Regency Ballroom in San Francisco, a favorite venue of mine! Only my anxiety was running mega high (for me) all day and because of this I didn’t think I would end up going. My bff Michaela text me encouraging things, even called the box office about ADA seating in an attempt to alleviate some of those anxious thoughts, too. In the end it didn’t matter, my anxiety was in charge and it was up to me to either just sit with it or push through. I did a bit of both, actually, but did manage to push through and mostly have a good time. I sort of talked myself through it as I would a loved one. “You can just get ready, you don’t have to actually leave the house. You can just look cute and take selfies, no one will be the wiser!” I told myself as I got out of the shower and started to get my eye makeup going. Then it was, “Maybe you won’t find parking and that’s okay, you tried, that’s enough, you can just go home.” as I was driving up there. Once I got there and ended up finding pretty darn great parking, I told myself, “You’re a grown up, no one is making you be here or stay, you can go home whenever you like and that is perfectly okay.” And so I went in!
Once inside I hit up the merchandise tables hoping for a 3x in a certain pink tee, but they had already sold out, as I gotten there just after the opening act started, so they had been open for over an hour already. I will get that shirt online, no worries. The merch lady was deeply sorry and insisted that Beth always has 3x in all her merch, and I know this to be true, but it’s also rare to get a not white or black t-shirt in a 3x ever, so that is why I’ll grab mine online for sure. After that I headed straight up this very long marble staircase (it’s a very old building) to the balcony area. If it’s a general admission show, and it was, anyone can sit up there. As I had partially torn my achilles tendon the week before, I needed to sit for this show, and really all shows going forward, no choice in the matter. There was also a bar up there, so I grabbed my vodka-cran and grabbed a nice aisle seat pretty close to the stage, but up above. I stayed in that spot the entire night, except when a couple wanted to get passed me to sit further down my row. I was worried a bit that if I got up for another drink I could lose my choice of seat and having the aisle meant I could stretch my poor Achilles nicely without bothering anyone. I also didn’t want to have to deal with the bathroom situation in such an old building that usually houses punk and electronica shows. Ha-ha! All in all it worked out great!
Honestly, this was my fourth concert flying solo, but my first as a single person. I had also never had anxiety that bad and pushed through for such a public outing. So while I enjoyed myself over all, it was really fucking hard and weird to be in the moment and get into the right state of mind. Luckily it was a Beth (motherfucking) Ditto show and she keeps it 100% real, always! She came out in shining silver sequins and just lit up the entire place with her effervescence! My love for and of her knows no bounds, obviously, as I did all I could to get there and see her. I bought my ticket months ago when I was out of work because I needed something to look forward to. I should have been excited, but anxiety was such a killjoy that entire day and night. I did enjoy the show, she is an incredible vocalist, and I couldn’t believe the show wasn’t sold out. She was very funny and candid, gave the band a hard time, even got some rimshots for her cornier jokes. She had an issue with something in her eye but she was so cute and funny about it and just kept talking and singing, like the pro that she is. This was a Beth Ditto show, not a Gossip show. That was apparent, as I’d seen Gossip play years ago when their album “Music for Men” came out, at this same venue. Different vibes, but honestly, her voice was better than ever! After her “last song” she came back out for the encore in a red lame` dress (with pockets!) and did her big solo single, “Fire” as well as some Gossip songs that she threw in some other sort of mashup-y things into; such fun!
I will say that going down that marble staircase was much more difficult (and honestly a bit scary) than going up, but I managed alright and took my time. Luckily I just missed the crowd when I hit the exit and saw everyone flooding in behind me. Whew! I’m super glad I went to the show, but I cannot believe I had to push myself so hard to do it! I do not think I will make an attempt to go to a show alone again unless it’s The Cure or Portishead or some other amazing and legendary concert that I have not yet seen and would be rare to catch on tour. Like last year I had to see TOOL and it was amazing!
I used to work in music, both as a promoter of new artists for an industry magazine (HITS), as well as manager of a music store for several years. I have been to hundreds of shows. I would get tickets from labels all of the time or just happen to get on “the list” or whatever. I feel like I have seen and done it all and honestly it is rarely worth the trouble anymore, not to mention the cost. My ticket for this show was $25 + whatever absurd service fees they tacked on, and I found great and free parking. I really do like the Regency Ballroom though, both for it’s size, as it’s not too big and still feels mostly intimate, but more so it’s accessible seating for me. I was comfortable and didn’t feel squished, though I know others wouldn’t feel accommodated at all and I’m certain that there must be an elevator in the building as the ADA seating is limited on the floor with more up in the balcony, too. I considered leaving early a couple of times due to the anxious feels, but I’m glad I powered through and got to see what was a really special show.
Beth Ditto is a personal hero of mine. I have read her autobiography (and even shipped it to a friend on the east coast when I was done, Hi Charlie!), have followed her career for many years (and through many of my own careers – Ha!), bought a crystal barrette from Fat Fancy (Portland, Oregon) that she once owned, followed her fashion lines and endeavors, and truly find much inspiration in how she has handled it all. To see someone close to my size (though for sure I’m bigger than she) look so confident and present is such a gift! Her vocal abilities never cease to amaze me, and believe me when I say that she is a big reason why I wanted to start singing again at all. Her realness, her whatever we’re fucking doing this thing – ness, is something missing from our western, over-curated experiences. I did see phones and lots of videos and selfies being taken, but most folks were really there in the moment, too. That is a rare thing these days. Even at a punk show last year I was distracted and irritated with phones surrounding my eye-line to the stage that I really struggled to even see let alone pay attention or enjoy the show. I hope the rest of her tour is just as amazing! I wish her the very best, as she has given me so much over the years!
Rad Fatty Love to ALL,


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Too Fat to Rock?!


Pretty much…

I’d responded to an ad on Craigslist for a singer in a goth band, something along the lines of Evanescence. The drummer responded to my inquiry and explained a bit about the band and it’s style. I responded with a bit about me including that I often sing Evanescence’s “Sober” at karaoke to rave reviews. I also included a link to my blog and pictures, my recent return to performing and my experience in the music industry back in the day (I did not ask about their image or anything along those lines).
This was their response:

“Hi Sarah!!!
That’s cool that you’re into music and have had experience in that field.  As far as image, we are looking for a slender model-like classically trained/opera singer.  Hmmmm…. Would you be interested in managing/booking/promoting?

“Hi Joey,
No, I’ve done the whole promoting/booking stuff before. I’m looking to broaden my horizons and get out of my comfort zone.
Good luck to you.

Being in a band is on my “bucket list” and I will make this happen. No, goth wasn’t my first choice in a band or style, but I thought what the hay, it might be fun. Being turned down outright without allowing for an audition based entirely on my size/looks? Um…way to go bigots! Isn’t it funny how those who would be considered outsiders by the mainstream go along with the mainstream opinion on such stuff. Way to be…NOT!

So, my dream of a bad ass, fat ass, kick ass punk-pop-rock band will continue to be a dream…for now! One day it will come together and be so much fun that I won’t even remember this silly moment in time at all. It’s disappointing, sure, but not devastating. In fact for some reason I find it kind of hilarious. Why did I think I should be in a goth band anyway?! Ha-ha!

If you live in the SF bay area and play an instrument and wanna rock…HIT ME UP! 😉

What Comfort Zone?


You ever do something that surprises even you? Yeah, I did that! I had considered entering a model contest, for the club I go to about once a month, but chose not to…until yesterday (the last day for entries)! I entered my info, answers to cool fatty questions and pictures. And hit submit! WHAT?! I know!!! What?! I don’t know what I was thinking, but it really doesn’t matter. I mean, it’s a fun idea and if I get picked, awesome. If I don’t? No biggie. I just can’t believe I did it at all!

I have been really pushing back on the ideas of presentation and how women are “supposed to look” and all of that bullshit. I generally don’t do things like wear make up or high heels or anything one could identify with a model. But shit, dude, I can break down those standards of beauty and flaunt my own version of it! I can be a model and a bad ass, right? Secretly, being a model for something/anything is on my bucket list. So is joining a book club…and tonight I might just fulfill both! A good friend invited me to join her book club and after some questions I accepted! Woo!

I am all about getting the hell out of my comfort zone lately and repeating the phrase, “Why Not?!” So, can I be sexy in Doc Martens? You bet your sweet Asparcreme I can! (I miss those ads, always cracked me up!) And if I don’t get into the semi-finals or finals or whatever, so be it! I tried! Ha-ha! Today is about possibilities. Tonight is about fun with my gals! Right now is about nourishing my body with these  lovely fresh blueberry scones (Trader Joe’s Freezer Section, yo!) and espresso! YUM!

I am nearly done decorating my piggy for Love Your Body Day and have been surprised at how much fun I’m having while doing it. At one point I had it all planned out, something flubbed and now I swear to you it is creating itself! My ideas? Out the window! This piggy knows what she wants! My hands are merely the instruments she’s chosen to beautify herself into her truest and most authentic form (sparkly)!!! And then I shall be sewing/repairing the dress I’d like to wear to the club tonight! Woo! I’m terrible at sewing, but luckily the repair is on the seam and that should be about what I can manage. I had meant to do it yesterday, but piggy demanded more of my attention! Ha-ha!

It’s Friday and I’m in Love…with The Cure! I heard “Fascination Street” in the car yesterday and have been listening to their best of ever since…non-stop (okay, I slept)! They are so great! I can’t even handle their greatness! I’ve fallen for them all over again. I love when that happens! Like a couple of years ago and I “discovered” The Pixies! Oh man, one of the best bands ever! I’d just never been introduced to them back in the day. Oh well, still plenty o’ time to love! Now to start my own band…another bucket list item for sure!

Tomorrow we visit our local Renaissance Faire! We have a bogo coupon and the weather should be just right! Woo!

What are you stoked about today or this weekend? What was the last thing you did outside of your comfort zone that you’re glad you did? I wanna hear all about it! Let’s celebrate something, shall we?! Woo!

Happy On-The-Go


I want to put together a happy kit. Something that I can carry with me (in my bag) that I can use to lift my mood quickly. I had taken an art class a few years ago and the instructor was very much into the tapping into your inner child thing and had us make toy boxes out of old cigar boxes. It was fun decorating them, but I’ve only touched mine once or twice since and mostly just to see what was in there. But a happy kit? That I can get behind.

So, what might be in a happy kit? Anything that makes you smile, laugh, dance, play, etc. I tend to get very anxious when I’m about to go to some sort of social gathering and I could see this kit idea coming in quite handy. Even when I’m at a party or something, I could duck into a restroom and access that happy!

Just some initial ideas for my own kit: A picture of my husband, puggyman and tabbycat. A sourball or other hard candy (peppermint!). Something soft or fuzzy to feel/pet, maybe a tiny plushie. Something to smell, like a peach or berry or citrus fragrance. I should really create a HAPPY playlist on my iPod, too. Maybe even a picture of one of those hilarious memes that always seem to be on the web. Something silly, ya know? And maybe a picture of Jessica! What Jessica?

This Jessica:

What else should be in there? Oh, Advil, Pamprin, Tums…things I may actually NEED! Ha-ha! A wet wipe! Practical stuff, like a Tide pen. What else?

What would you include in your Happy On-The-Go Kit?

Shadow On A Tightrope…


I just started reading the book “Shadow On A Tightrope: Writings by Women on Fat Oppression” and am only about 30 or so pages in. Strangely, I’ve had the book for over a year just sitting on my bookshelf. That is until my friend Jessica mentioned it and I said I needed to read it and then realized I already owned it! Ha-ha! I am grateful for this reminder though because sometimes I get overwhelmed with reading too many books. I’m bit of a slow reader and don’t have enough distraction-free time in my life to get much reading done anyway. So I can’t exactly comment on the book itself, but some things I’ve discovered so far are very interesting. The book was written by many women all over the world submitting essays and poems and such. Great stuff! Some of the language used would be different now and certainly because this is pre-internet era, things have changed. But not everything. I can’t go into detail, but it’s a great read and definitely a must read for any fat activists out there!

The first thing that struck me was the mention of where the word “obesity” came from. I’ll quote from the book, “The word “obesity” itself (Latin obesus, from obedere, “to eat up”) presents  view of fat people which rules the thinking of virtually all obesity scientists, regardless of their specific field.” I quote that because I didn’t know where the word originated and now I cannot help but wonder (and if you know or can link, please share!) when this word became part of the scientific, medical and finally general society? I will now refuse to accept this word as anything relating to myself or other fats. It is a gross and prejudicial word in my mind now. I honestly had no idea. Just thought I’d share that with ya. =0)

What made me want to post about it today was a song that I woke up to this morning (gotta love radio alarm clocks) . I thought it was a Randy Newman song! Oops! It was, in fact, a Leon Russell song called “Tight Wire” and I love it and wanted to share it with y’all! It’s general vibe is just rad. And the lyrics are awesome. Here’s the song and I’ll post the lyrics below:

I’m up on the tightwire
one side’s ice and one is fire
its a circus game with you and me
I’m up on the tightrope
one side’s hate and one is hope
but the tophat on my head is all you see
And the wire seems to be
the only place for me
a comedy of errors
and I’m falling

Like a rubber-neck giraffe
you look into my past
well maybe you’re just to blind to – see
I’m up in the spotlight
ohh does it feel right
ohh the altitude
seems to get to me

I’m up on the tightwire
flanked by life and the funeral pyre
putting on a show
for you to see

Like a rubber-neck giraffe
you look into my past
well maybe you’re just too blind to – see
I’m up in the spotlight
ohh does it feel right
ohh the altitude
really gets to get to me

I’m up on the tightwire
flanked by life and the funeral pyre
putting on a show for you to see

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