After three days of intermittent crying/sobbing I knew I needed a distraction from myself and my head and heart for the evening. So, I called up a good friend and tried to pretend I was fine. Ha-ha! Yeah, I’m a terrible liar. They immediately said, “Sarah, what’s wrong?!” But instead of trying to put into words the pain I’ve been in and suffering through more tears and probably bumming them right the hell out, they said, “You know what? It doesn’t matter. Let’s hang out and laugh!” Well, I couldn’t say no to that!

At first we weren’t sure what to do, we’re both beyond broke and so we just grabbed some coffee and walked for a bit. It’s good for the body and mind, walking. It was pretty cold out though, so it was decided that we’d check out a local book store (remember those?). As we were perusing and discussing they suggested a movie and we decided on “Identity Thief.” I needed a good laugh and I love Melissa McCarthy and Jason Bateman.

The movie was just okay. There were some cringe-inducing moments and plenty of fat hate and shame.  They basically made Melissa’s character, Diana, a brightly colored Jack Black. *Sigh* I get that she was supposed to be broken and cooky, but some of it just wasn’t believable. Jason Bateman? Well, I sort of adore him. He was great, but again, much of the movie was just written poorly, in my opinion. I laughed, don’t get me wrong. There were some cool car crashes and stuff, but overall: Meh.

The best part was after the movie when we trash talked our way through two games of air hockey! Man, I love that shit! SO FUN!!! I could have played all night, but alas, the quarters ran out. I had forgotten how good I was at that game. I’ll have to look up some more local air hockey tables and get on that shizz! Ha-ha!

I have learned a lot from my recent bouts of depression and anxiety. Firstly, that I do tend to reach out for help and support when I need it most. I know better, usually, than to wallow and dwell, because that tends to fuck me up worse. I’ve also been surprised at how differently my various friends handle me in such situations. Some use their stellar snark to make me laugh and get me feeling better. Others use tough love and almost make me feel much worse before finally making me feel way better. One friend is soooo good at pep talks that it sucks when they’re so very busy.

My friend that I hung out with last night, though? Well, they always seem to know exactly what I need to do or to hear to cheer me up. I don’t know how they know this, since I usually don’t know how to do it for myself, but they have really stepped up and have become such an amazing friend. We hung out last Thursday and Friday (dancing and silliness) when I was also feeling sad. They just knew that getting me out of the house and doing something with my body would allow me to feel better, even if only physically.

Some of my new friends, I feel, use the word “friend” too loosely. To me, a friend is someone who has your back no matter what. Someone who is there for you when you need them most and calls you out on your bullshit, too. Someone who knows you’re not honoring or being your best you. Someone who keeps you safe and watches out for you. It’s not always easy, but what in life is? This is friendship to me. Like any relationship, it takes two to tango and hearing stories of terrible things (or people) just breaks my heart and angers me so much.

I work hard to be a good friend. Even if I don’t talk to someone for awhile, I think of them often and care about them always. Even those I no longer want in my life, well, they touched me in some way. I regret nothing. I learn and I grow. I want people in my life who support that and want it for themselves, too. I might take friendship more seriously than others, but that’s hardly a bad thing.

I need to be a better friend to myself, I realize. Pot, meet Kettle. 😉 I’m working on this, always. I’ve gotten so much better. But I also think being a good friend to myself is knowing when it’s not okay for me to be alone, to seek the support I need and to stay out of situations that are too much at that moment. In that sense I have grown leaps and bounds! A year ago I didn’t know how to ask for that help.

Thank you for your love and support as work my way through this journey called life. You inspire me and you “get” me. Thank you so much for that! *Hugs*

Rad Fatty Love,

Sarah
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