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Not Okay…


Life is a learning experience that teaches us so much yet also, somehow, remains a complete mystery. I often joke that I am a contradiction and an enigma, even to myself. But I’m in no joking mood. The truth is that I’ve finally reached that point where accepting and embracing my vulnerability is a must and a need and it is now and I shall remain until I can process this…thing.

It’s never easy to say and how often have you said, “I’m okay” or “I’m good” with a fake smile or a quick look away so the other person won’t know that you’re lying through your damned teeth. *Sigh* I hate lying and I refuse.

I am not okay. I’m going through a very fucking difficult time right now. I am not yet even able to talk about it and thus unable to process it at all. I am not okay. I am sure that I will be okay soon, but for now I am in a great deal of emotional pain.

I ask for your kindness, compassion and patience as I do my best to work through this and hopefully come out of this stronger or happier or somehow just find some peace and accept what is. Because right now I can’t even envision these things and they seem to belong to someone else entirely.

I am still in shock and have been doing a lot of crying. Being with those I love most has become uncomfortable and painful. I can’t tell them what’s in my heart. I can’t share my fears and pains with them right now. Mostly because it’s not my story to tell. I only have what I feel and that is cutting so very deep right now. A lot of what I’m feeling I know is not rational and much of it makes no sense and some of it is very hypocritical, yet the pain is there and I cannot deny how I am feeling.

I am fighting every urge in me to act out, lash out and cause hurt/harm to others. It is not the person I am and not the person I want to be. It saddens me that those urges are still within me, just under the surface. *Sigh* I am human and I accept that I am flawed. I am sort of in awe at the turns my life has taken recently and how so much has been put on hold because of it. It is a choice, it is my choice and I will get back on track soon, of this I have no doubt.

I’m sorry that I cannot share details or even get into it. I don’t know when or if I will. But know that I love you and am so grateful to have this space to get even this little bit off my chest. Thank you!!! </3

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3 Comments to

“Not Okay…”

  1. On February 18th, 2013 at 6:22 pm Andea Fuehrer Says:

    This poem has helped me many times during dark nights
    of my soul. It tells me that all things change in this world,
    the good and the bad. The important thing is to focus
    on what doesn’t change – your spirit, your soul, the Divine,
    God, whatever you call it. Look within for your answers.
    Do what you need to do to feel centered and whole again.
    Sending you love,

    Let nothing disturb thee;
    Let nothing dismay thee;
    All things pass;
    God never changes.

    Patience attains
    All that it strives for.
    He who has God
    Finds he lacks nothing;
    God alone suffices.

    Poem IX
    By St. Teresa of Avila

  2. On February 18th, 2013 at 7:36 pm Rachel Says:

    ((GREAT BIG HUGS)) No crappy advice here, just hoping that you get some happiness and peace soon.

  3. On February 18th, 2013 at 8:22 pm Janene Says:


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