We all have someone in our lives who we think is so awesome and sparkly and great and it kills us every time they can’t or won’t or don’t see it in themselves. We want them to see how amazing they are and that they are worth so much more than they give themselves credit for. I know I have many people in my life that are like this. It breaks my heart at times. And then I realized, just now really, that this is me as well. *Sigh*
My friends are so awesome and amazing…because I am! I see this now. When I was having my week of despair, I was that girl that everyone said was so awesome and I couldn’t see it. I thought it sweet when that “Special Geek” said to me, “You’re such a good people person there should be places lining up to hire you!” but for some reason, they’re not and haven’t been for some time now and it’s soul crushing.
That ticking clock of my pending unemployment; the thought of having to start that process all over again. I think the whole thing had me quite shaken last week (maybe I was mourning the loss of my job?). But I do have a phone interview today and an in-person interview next week and hopefully more and more and more. I mean, I know what I am capable of and talented at, it’s just hard for places to fit me into a mold, I think.
I am my usual self again and that feels so much better. Much needed solo time with my sweet Puggyman yesterday seemed to do me a world of good. Also, watching a bunch of Reggie Watts stuff I swear tickled a neglected part of my brain (I adore him!). Not to mention finding and taking the opportunity to genuinely laugh! Like, those deep belly laughs? Those! Those are very necessary!
I think I also need more attention, in general, than I had convinced myself that I needed. I want to believe, sometimes, that I am this fierce, lone wolf sort of gal…but y’all know that’s some bullshit, right?! I’m an extrovert and my soul is fed by being around and sharing with others. *Sigh* It’s hard though. I don’t want to bring my sad little rain cloud to other people and the universe knows we’re all dealing with our own shit right now.
I’m hopeful once again and for now that needs to be enough. As the summer is drawing near and my calendar lays blank before me, I will find a way to get out and do more and be around the people I want to. Wishing I had a kind and patient biking companion. I’m still too chicken to practice on my own. I have a plan, but haven’t bitten that bullet just yet. Soon, perhaps.