NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Get to: feelin’ yourself!

June22

I am moving in just a few short days (OMZ!!!) and exhausted and just wanting it to all be done with already! I was on hold with the bank when I brushed my hand over my other arm and just kept sort of gently rubbing and feeling it and then switched to the other arm and had a moment of just “Whoa! This feels super cool!” and it was just my silly arms! I guess I hadn’t felt myself up, so to speak, in awhile!

Screenshot 2015-06-22 at 9.16.07 PM

 

Earlier when I was changing from my “going out in public clothes” to my “fuck it I’m not going anywhere ever again” clothes I caught a glimpse of my big ass in the full length mirror in my room. I backed it up a bit so I could see more. I smiled and looked at it from a couple of angles and thought to myself, “What the hell did I hate this fine ass so much for so long for?!?!” then I gave it a smack and a quick rub (like ya do!) and proceeded to put on my big girl track pants that have and will never see a track. Ha-ha!

I’ve been thinking about my body a lot lately but mostly in the pain and self care senses. But the last two days have lead me to more touch and sensual thoughts. How often to we feel and are present in that feeling of our very own bodies? When do we take the time to look and feel and learn from these great gifts that we exist in? It’s a rarity for me for sure. I’m not sure why that is though.

That is actually part of the reason I started to shave my legs again. I don’t typically follow the expected societal obligation of feminine body hair removal strategies, but sometimes I just randomly shave! I’m a weirdo! Ha-ha! I don’t have any set of personal rules or schedules for such things, it’s really just more of a random thing anyway. But I have been doing it more lately and while my armpits rebel when I shave them (breakouts are a bitch!) my legs seem to like it. Maybe that’s because I have to moisturize them more if I shave ’em. *Shrugs* But I have started to enjoy that part more lately. It gives me time to focus on my body, how things are lookin’ and feeling and I can admire my ankle tattoos, too!

Feeling my arms felt good to my hands and my arms and my brain! I don’t know about the rest of the world, but my fat body feels great! No wonder all those guys were trying to feel on my arms when I was unattached! I never knew! No shame in my arm game now! Hell no! These are mine and I get to choose who gets to enjoy these babies! Ha-ha! I encourage you to feel yourself up! All over! Lay your hands flat across your belly and really feel your flesh. Grab your rolls in a kind and gentle way; in a proud way. Enjoy the curve of your back and your ass and your calves and your arm fat! Yes! Your arm fat! Embrace it physically and close your eyes as you do and just be in the moment with your body! You’re amazing and lovely!

Perhaps if we can get reacquainted with our bodies in this sensual way it could become easier to accept and finally love our bodies in the day to day, tried and true way. It’s worth a shot, right?! You’re worth giving it a try! You can do it anywhere, too. The shower is a great place but I find I stick to business in there and with our horrible drought in California I’d feel terrible about any wasted water. So, while drying off or moisturizing or maybe with your loofah or whatever you got in there? Or like me, whilst getting dressed, check out your own stuff in the mirror if possible. Or try to catch a new angle to your perspective of your body. Seeing my ass in a new light now feels great because I saw it from an angle I hadn’t before and I may just find myself doing this more and more, ya know?

***TMI Part! Y’all do remember I’m the “Queen of TMI”, right?! Please do not read further if talk of masturbation is not for you.***

Feelin’ you, feelin’ me…
<3
S

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (body positive):
http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS
I now also have an Instagram:
https://instagram.com/notblueatall/
And as always, feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me:
notblueatall@notblueatall.com

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So, this whole feelin’ myself thing actually started recently when I didn’t want to plug in my Magic Wand (it’s not quiet and it’s too hot to close all the windows and doors around, ya know?). I realized that it’s been ages since I have literally felt myself and so I thought I’d give it a shot. Not bad, I gotta say! And that was what made me start thinking about how easy it is to become disconnected from our bodies in even a very basic way like this. It’s sad, but true. And so easy to disconnect in so many other ways. But this was an eye opener in the sense that this is such an instinctive thing and yet it had been years since I’d gotten myself off the old fashioned way.  How about you? 😉

 

Choosing the Upside

June16

I dropped off my bff at the airport about 5am this morning. Too daisy-headed to think properly, I headed home nearly on auto-pilot (don’t worry, I’m a very safe driver). Almost instinctively I grabbed a drive-thru breakfast sandwich and orange juice on my way home. Odd thing for me, but especially at that hour. I couldn’t even get to sleep until 1am and then had to be up at 3:45 am to get out to the airport on time. *Shrugs* Oh well. I was sad, of course, to see her go, but not really thinking about myself in the moment either, more just worried about seeing her off safely.

After a kip, I got up and had some iced coffee and fruit and put on Netflix to soothe my aching head. I’ve been watching “The Inbetweeners” a British show about high school friends and their misadventures. I had another quick snooze and soon awoke to find myself once again alone with my thoughts. Had it really been so long that I’d forgotten what the weight of all my worries feels like? *Sigh* Yep. I’m a silly goose that way I guess. I didn’t even have to try or anything, it was all just there under the surface waiting for me to acknowledge it.

I feel wiped out completely. Exhaustion for sure. Queasy and achy and sore and miserable. And then the worries…the fucking tidal wave of all my worries!!! “YOU’RE MOVING IN TWO WEEKS IDIOT!” “WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING, LAZY ASS?!” “WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE LAYING ABOUT?!” “YOU’RE A FUCKING LOSER AND EVERYONE ONLY PITIES YOU!” Nice, brain. Thanks a bunch. Ugh! I finally just melt into my puggo’s side and give him a snuggle and try my best to make it all stop.

It’s true that I move in two weeks and I haven’t packed a single thing. I haven’t had time! Also, I’ve been job hunting! Got a new lead on a start-up this morning, too, so who knows?! But crap, life just hit me like a ton of bricks today! It’s like the very moment I stop worrying about someone else, BAM! All of the ugliness creeps back into my head after weeks and weeks of work to get rid of it. So, I’m giving myself the day to just be miserable and lazy and to rest and heal and process and whatever else I need to do today. I will begin packing tomorrow!

Screenshot 2015-06-16 at 5.03.05 PM

Also watching a show about teenage boys and their absurdities in their pursuit of love and happiness has made me look at where I’m at with those things and what I really want out of life (it might be sex, but it might be travel? Professional sleep expert? Ha-ha!). I know, all over again?! Yeah. Guess it never ends. I don’t know what my passion in life is anymore. I don’t know what sort of job would actually not suck the very soul from my being. I’d like to know, I’m trying to find out, but it’s super hard and not a quick and easy endeavor.

The dance show was fantastic, by the way. Tigress and I really sparkled (literally and figuratively)! I wasn’t even nervous! Many people said they could see how much fun I was having on stage and that really meant a lot to me. I don’t know that I’ve gotten any better at accepting compliments (I may have insulted my bff as a way of trying to avoid compliments all together, sorry doll!!!). It’s especially difficult when folks you look up to lay on the compliments. I am the worst! So awkward I should get a fucking crown or sash or title or something… “Her ladyship, the duchess of awkwardness and world class fatoteur…” (as in saboteur, but I just fat up the joint!).

Choosing to see the upside in feeling lousy and alone at home today I realized that I like how I look walking around the house in my underwear and a t-shirt knotted beneath my bra-less boobs. Yay! Also? Zero fucks about body stuff. I mean???? What is the point even?! My double belly is the shit and I don’t care if no one else thinks so! 😛

So, that’s where I’m at today. At least Mercury’s no longer in retrograde, eh? Ha-ha! Here’s to doing our best in not bogging ourselves down with unnecessary thoughts of self loathing! Fuck it! What’s on your “fuck it” list today?

Get it!
<3
S

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (body positive):
http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS
I now also have an Instagram:
https://instagram.com/notblueatall/
And as always, feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me:
notblueatall@notblueatall.com

Health, Healing & Friendship

June12

Balancing the schedules of my bff and dance show rehearsals has been tough, but it’s done! Yes, the bff who had fallen very ill ended up coming out to stay with my in the hopes that her condition would improve and she’d be able to be in her friend’s wedding (which was the point of the trip, seeing me was actually cheaper for the flight). Except nope! She got here last Saturday and was putting on a good face, but the truth was she was and still is in a lot of pain. Having already rearranged her original travel schedule and making many last minute arrangements to make sure her dress could be altered in time, her condition suddenly worsened.

I won’t even get into the whole seeing a doctor while owning a fat body thing (because WHOA is it a thing!), but she woke me up at 6:30 am Monday morning to take her to urgent care. I instantly jumped into action, dressing myself and grabbing necessary things for long waiting room waits. When she asked that I accompany her in the exam room I was ready for the good fat fight! Turns out she got the same doctor that saw me when I sprained my spine and he was so gentle and kind and really listened to her. I didn’t have to say a word until he remembered me and asked how I was doing. Nice!

Screenshot 2015-06-12 at 6.21.17 PM

More doctors, more waiting rooms, more tests, exams and paperwork and still no answers. Stressful much?! After such an awful morning on such a horrifically hot day (it was 95-102 that day) we headed back to my house for some much needed rest. And then I went and got us some food for dinner that night as neither of us had eaten that day. Bad times. Unfortunately that wasn’t the end of it, but I won’t go into the parts that aren’t actually my business. I will say that she is in a lot less pain today and seems to be improving, but still not able to do much and the heat is not doing anyone any favors.

Mercury being in Retrograde until June 11th? Yeah, we were feeling your affects. Ugh! Communication, technology and travel problems galore! But you know what? I was super glad that she could stay with me without having to rack up awful hotel bills or having to be alone and fend for herself in a strange town. I have been happy to help out and care for her as much as possible. It’s helped me not focus and worry about my own shit and really, I love her so much it’s like ridiculous anyway! So, we’ve not done any of the things we originally planned or wanted to, but we get to hang out together and talk and hey that’s enough, man.

Friendship is different for everyone. Just as our own values may differ from even those we know and love. To me friendship is pretty much the most important thing in my life besides, you know, being my own friend first. I’ve known this particular fatass badass since the old Live Journal Fatshionista days and while we live so far apart, it’s always been wonderful to know that she is only a text or a call away and that we can truly be there for each other and participate in each others lives this way. We care and we show it.

As I get older I am seeing all the time how rare this gift is. Not all adults know or understand how to be in mature friendships. It’s not like in school where you’re just in class together and so you start to hang out. It’s especially hard when I make new friends and they’ve never had a tried and true blue friend like me and they think I’m weird or just insane. Not even kidding, I’ve had friends not even understand why I would want to stay and make sure they made their bus/train/flight because no one has ever done that for them. I don’t get that, but whatever. I don’t know how folks get to be in their thirties and never had a friend who has their back. It’s sad, really. I have been so lucky to have many friendships that have lasted multiple decades. But I’m a weirdo! 😛

While my bff is in great need of much rest for optimal healing, we did manage to get out of the house for some good Thai food for lunch today (my first food pic on Instagram). She then insisted, as we left with full bellies all blissed-out, that we take the following selfies…Ha-ha! She’s so amazing! I am so grateful to have this lady in my life! <3

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Tomorrow is the annual Big Moves Bay Area dance show in Oakland and Tigress and I are excited to show everyone our new dance number! I’m not even nervous or worried this year, it’s awesome and strange! Ha-ha! The show itself is called, “Fat Reign” and will be a guaranteed great time! If you’re in the SF Bay Area this weekend, do not miss this show! (Info and ticketing below.) I was just telling a friend, “I don’t do this for the glory! Ha-ha! I certainly don’t do it for attention or fame or whatever. I do it because it’s important to do it. It’s important because that show has inspired me and challenged me to push myself out of my comfort zone and I can only hope that by doing it that someone else will too.” Though I have really had to be committed and push myself to do my self care during the rehearsal process. I’m lucky to have people in my life that check on me about it and my injuries and remind me to be gentle too.

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog:
http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS
I now also have an Instagram, but we’ll see what I put on there:
https://instagram.com/notblueatall/
Info and tickets for the Big Moves show:
http://on.fb.me/1FlmBOR
http://fatreign.brownpapertickets.com/
And as always, feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me:
notblueatall@notblueatall.com

Rad Fatty Love,
<3
S

 

Hometown Feels

June2

If you told me even a month ago that I’d be moving back to my hometown I would have scoffed in your face and said something along the lines of, “As if!” (Just rewatched “Clueless” with my bf, my bad! Ha-ha!) But that’s the truth, I am moving back to my hometown at the end of the month. It’s real! Through the kindness of my beloved Raven and her family and family friend, I’ll be renting a little cottage behind their house. It’s my only option to be honest, but I’m so lucky and grateful to have it! And to be surrounded by such good people (not to mention dog people!) is just icing on the cake.

It’s humbling to go back there for me. There’s so many ghosts and bad memories. I have spent very little actual time there. It’s about 30 miles away from where I’ve been living the last 18 years, but it feels so different! I’m doing everything I can to stay positive and look on the bright side and all that jazz, but it’s also very confusing and hard! My abuser still lives there. My estranged family still lives there. But hey, my lil’ bro still lives there and I’ll get to see him more! I took him to see “Mad Max: Fury Road” last Friday and it was awesome to get some pizza and talk movies with him. Trying so hard, ya know?!

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The puggo and I had a great time at the park yesterday.
I haven’t seen him this happy-tired in ages!

I’ve never lived alone before and this scares me. I told my bf, “How will I know if I’m crazy? I always check in with my roommate now…who will I check in with?!?!?!” he laughed and said I’ll be fine. I know he’s right, but he also has no idea how truly paranoid I am in my head…thanks to the five years I spent in a near-hostage situation with my abuser! Ugh! It’s all tangled together! I’ve done so much self work and healed so much and do the best I can but damn, how is it still always there?! I just have to keep going, keep hoping and keep breathing! And I am, but but but!!!

The job hunting this time has been just weird. I’m getting perceived as far younger than I am and thus not taken seriously until I am like, “Look, here’s what I bring to the table…” and they’re always like, “Oh.” Or yesterday’s interview where the hiring manager insisted I was overqualified over and over only to then say that I would be underqualified to grow out of the role i was overqualified for and they really prefer to hire people who will grow out of that position within two years and they’ll keep me in their roster. Blah blah blah. I get dinged for being confident in interviews, but I nail interiews! People always say, “I really like you!” or “I love you and wanna work with you!” and then I never hear from them again or I get the boilerplate rejection letter. UGH!

I don’t know what I am doing wrong. People insist I’m not doing anything wrong, but how can that be? In any case, I can’t change other people, but I can change me! But what can I change? How can I be over and underqualified for everything?! People do not make sense, nor do they listen to the words they speak to me. Last week this CEO looked at me sspiciously and said, “Well, you ARE confident.” I smiled and nodded in agreement, I’d done the job and many like it before, but I couldn’t tell if he thought my confidence was a good or a bad thing. I mean?!?!

I have a lot of bad days, but I’ve had a lot of good ones lately and I am endlessly grateful for those fleeting moments of goodness. I’m trying to strategize when I’m feeling blue or like today, just plain icky. So I coaxed myself out of bed (it was so hard!) with the promise of a local handmade donut. Then I went to Target for some TP and found myself some killer clearance bargains! After I finished my adulting, I rewarded myself with a big Strawberry Fields salad from Wendy’s (it’s SO good!!!). Now I’m home and applying to all the jobs and just feeling super lousy! I have dance rehearsal tonight and I need to feel better to have the energy to nail down this choreography but shit if it ain’t super hard to do things when your stomach hurts.

And my bff who was supposed to be coming to stay with me for nearly two weeks won’t be able to make it as she’s fallen severely ill and I’m worried about her. Major bummer, I was so looking forward to getting some quality time with her but also wow I hope she’s okay for real!!! My poor grrrl! <3 I also have to start packing and making some tough choices on what to get rid of. Living in a smaller space will work fine for me, I mostly keep to myslf and live simply, but my dressers and two bookcases will likely need to go. And the timing of the move is not optimal for friends availability to help so I have to find a moving company (I injured my spine in March). Scary adult things! Ha!

I’m excited for this new chapter of my life. I can’t wait to be settled into my little cottage. I can’t wait to find out what my next job will be and hope beyond hope that I might find an actual career path. I cannot take another abusive supervisor, I’ve met my quota and everyone else’s, too! I just wish I knew how better to approach this stuff with the whole looking younger and being over and underqualified for shit. I mean what am I supposed to do about that?! I don’t have any degrees, I’m a fucking high school drop out for fuck’s sake! But I do have over twenty years of solid and varied skills and work experience and for some reason that isn’t always valued (no I’m not giving my entire job history, only what’s relevant, I don’t want to give them a novel).  *Shrugs*

Whatever will be, will be?

<3
S

 

 

Living through the pain

May21

Every year while training and rehearsing for our dance performance in the Big Moves show, I injure myself and hit an emotional wall. It seems I freak out about all the things, question my intentions and feel on the brink, every year. I hit that wall on Tuesday of this week. I had practiced pretty hard the night before and was feeling the effects of a poor decision (why didn’t I ice my knee after?!?!?!) while running errands with my boyfriend that morning. With every step a voice in my head began a plea, “Just quit! You don’t have to do the show! It’s not worth it! What’s the point?! Give up! You can’t do this!” the voice got louder and louder. By the time we made it back to the car to leave and head for our lunch destination, I was in tears.

Screenshot 2015-05-21 at 7.35.19 PM

I didn’t tell him about the voice, but it was obvious that I was in pain. He asked me to not rehearse that evening, though that was the plan. I agreed that I would take it easy but that I still had to go to rehearsal. I did just that, but didn’t tell anyone about the voice. I was trying so hard to just go with the flow, to not hold others back and to keep on keepin’ on. I spent so much time in horrible pain the last few months that this seemed like the right thing to do. It wouldn’t have occurred to me to “take it easy” or to care for myself first, it’s always been about the work.

While having lunch with B he asked about my (obvious) limp and what I was doing to care for it as though this was the most normal conversation in the world. I said nothing but that I was going to ice it. He agreed that was a good idea and even suggested using ace bandages to compress and support the surrounding muscles. Whoa! I never would have thought of that on my own. I wouldn’t have even talked about my knee if he hadn’t brought it up. Today I bought some at Target and wrapped below my knee but cannot figure out how to wrap above it (it keeps rolling down, no matter how loose/tight/positioned).

I know a lot of people with chronic pain issues. I have a very low opinion of how western medicine handles pain management as a result. Our society does not like to talk about pain, does not want to see people in pain and truly doesn’t know how to interact with people who live with pain. I hear often how difficult it is to simply navigate day to day tasks and errands and just general living of life with chronic pain. I have heard so many times someone with chronic pain beat themselves up for not being able to do typical things others take for granted. They often do not seek help out of fear of rejection, ridicule and favor fatigue (asking someone for too many favors, I may have just made that up).

Pain is often not taken seriously, even or especially by medical care providers. Combine that with the stigma associated with fat bodies and you have a recipe for brutality. When I sprained my spine back in March the x-ray technician was so brisk with positioning my body I was in tears. “Why are you crying?” he asked, insistently. “I’m in a lot of pain!” I managed, trying not to choke on my tears.  I was horrified by his dismissal of my pain and seeming confusion that I was crying because of it. Even today I do not feel that anyone took that injury seriously, but I’m glad that I did, for once.

As our bodies age pain will come in new places and forms. Soon we won’t notice the smaller creaks and aches over the sudden and sharper pains. Often people with chronic pain no longer recall what it was like before, they can feel weak and like “babies” when a new pain is too much to handle. We can become overloaded by pain, especially when we’ve grown accustomed to daily pain and a sudden onset of some new pain arises. Suddenly the normal way of doing things, which is likely already modified due to living with chronic pain, is impossible and simple things like bathing are truly too much to handle.

I struggle greatly with asking for help or even knowing how or what to ask for help with or for. I’m not so unusual in that. Most people have a difficult time asking for help, even when it’s vital that they do. People living with chronic pain do things like have a career, family, hobbies, and more. Living independently can be a sanity saver for many, but it can be a struggle if you’re also living with chronic pain. If you’re lucky enough to have a support system locally you fear exhausting that support. And if you don’t have a support system, what do you do?

I guess my point in all of this is to be kind. No one knows what you’re dealing with in your life and you don’t know what they’re dealing with in theirs. Be kind to yourself and be patient and gentle, pain or no. If you are able to offer support to someone you know is in pain, be considerate of their needs and feelings. Offer to do their grocery shopping or run an errand for them instead of simply asking, “Anything I can do to help?” Try to be sensitive to the fact that it’s difficult for them to ask or accept help, even when it’s very needed.

Don’t offer help or support if you are expecting payment (unless previously discussed or agreed upon), don’t make a big fuss about their pain or illness as they may not want that type of attention, don’t hold a favor or gesture over them as though they owe you or you are somehow superior to them. Do offer your companionship! Being in pain can be very isolating, especially when going out and about for things isn’t an option. Invite someone in your life with chronic pain to parties, dinners, events and activities, but don’t hold it against them if they must turn down the invite. Just because a person can’t do something one time doesn’t mean they don’t want to or wouldn’t be able to in the future.

Be kind. Be gentle. Be patient. Be honest.

<3
S

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