NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Single & Ready to Mingle…with Feminists!

June14

Ever set your mind to do something even though you know it’s probably not the best thing to do but you do it anyway because it just feels necessary? It is one thing to push myself out of my comfort zone, it is another thing all together to do something that I know isn’t for me. I think that there are some things that just cannot be forced. I know that I don’t like any food that was originally derived from the sea. I know this. I have tried all the things and they were all terrible. I’m forty years old and I get to decide this for myself. Sometimes there are moments in my life where I say to myself, “This is just what adults do! You can do it, too!” regardless of my actual feelings about whatever that things is in the moment.

Remember that “ex” (that technically isn’t an ex at all since we never dated, but wev) from my Eat Your Heart Out post? Yeah. So…they were in town and I decided that it was perfectly okay to seduce them and sleep with them, even though I have zero feelings for them, because that is what grown ups can do if they want, right?! Ha-ha! UGH!  For the same reasons I kissed him when we met for tea after work several weeks ago, curiosity. Curiosity about if I would feel anything, if my memories were accurate (they were not!) and if I could sleep with someone I didn’t have feelings for. The answer to all of that is NOPE! I mean, I did the thing, and I don’t regret it, but it was not good for me.

Before

He just looked at me the way I should be looked at, and said the right things and was very respectful and never would have dreamed of making a move on me or sleeping with me again though he admits he’s in love with me now. I had remembered him being exceptional in bed and well that rose colored memory became crystal clear to be bullshit pretty damned quick! Perhaps my inexperience played a role, not that I’ve had several lovers since then (I wish!), but more likely it’s because of my own self work and exploration that has upped my game.

After

To have someone worship your body is an experience I would wish on everyone. I have been fortunate to have several lovers of this variety and it has always been…transcendent. So to have this time feel wrong just kind of sucked. I wanted it to happen. I made it happen! My “O” and my pleasure was centered entirely and it was still not good. It was much to do with not having feelings for them, but more so due to their ignorance of how the female anatomy works (I’m guessing). So, while I “got off” it definitely wasn’t bliss. And it just goes to show how much I need to feel emotionally connected to someone. The “ex” had a great time and insisted I stay the night and seemed shocked that I left not long after this interlude.

For me it is the mental seduction that is always more alluring. The banter that leads to seduction. Those will they or won’t they moments. Good conversation often plays a bigger role for me than the typical foreplay. That is what has kept me going back to my usual service provider for the last year and some months, though there’s nothing more between us. It’s still flirty and thrilling and hot, but we don’t have the typical feels for each other. I don’t really get why that works and sleeping with someone I was crazy about years ago didn’t. I do know that this episode has left me processing my shit heavily! Monday I felt nearly sick with confusion because of it. I never hesitate to go deep into my psyche and sort shit out, but this one did give me pause. Why did I want this? What was I trying to prove?

Honestly, walking out of the Westin Saint Francis Hotel in Union Square (SF) that night I felt like a total badass. Waking up the next morning made me feel something I hadn’t before and that was an eye opener. I have since given myself a lot of time to sort out those feelings and the whats and whys of the situation. I have no regrets. I have no need to see that person again. If anything it made me miss my service provider so much more than ever! I guess I just needed to test the waters of all of that. It felt safe with someone I already knew and had slept with before. And hey, they still think the sun shines out my ass so all is right in the world! Ha-ha!

I am happy being single. I’m in no hurry to “find someone” or settle down or whatever. I have no deep longing or yearning to be partnered up, but that is what I want, a partner. I want my equal. I don’t seek perfection, but I do want a whole human being and not someone looking to be completed or fulfilled by others emotional labors. I do think a factor in this latest (is it a tryst?) encounter was that he wasn’t a feminist (thinks he is but I can assure you he is not). My service provider may be a goofball and a knucklehead, but they’re a feminist through and through. I can’t even socialize with non-feminists. Why participate in my own oppression?! Fuck that!

So yeah, I’m on a lot of the typical dating apps and enjoy meeting people, but I’m beyond selective at this point. I start almost every conversation on those apps with, “Do you call yourself a feminist?” and their answers are always very telling. It’s either a hell yes or a hell no. If the first message from anyone refers to my ass (and its bountiful beauty), I will block them. If they refer to women as female or girls, I will block them. If they start off with vulgar descriptions of what they want to do to me, no matter how delightful that may sound, I will block them. I am not here for that and I have no time for games and bullshit. It’s not just cis men either. I date anyone, but I’m looking for that connection, ya know? C’est la vie!

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Instagram & Facebook!

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (You can listen straight from the web, too!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (and updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it!

I also have an Instagram, though I need to get back into posting there: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

Lizzo & Mod Cloth Love

June14

Lizzo, “I think representation is my legacy,” she says, “and I think that everyone deserves to stand out. I think that everyone is beautiful, and everyone deserves to find their beauty… you’re worthy and capable of self-love, and it’s okay to be discovering that for your whole life.”

Mod Cloth recently interviewed Lizzo and you should really read it (it’s brief) but also click here to see her in a gorgeous rainbow maxi dress!

My love for Mod Cloth has been dotted with much disappointment, confusion, and occasional rage. Why do I keep coming back? Well, because they have items that suit my style, are quirky or just to find perfect thing to go with another thing that I already have. Often I cannot afford their clothes, but I love a good sale and I do occasionally treat myself to something nice. I was a sucker for their “Stylish Surprise” offers where you’d select, say, dresses and only your size and pay a flat rate ($15) and the dress you’d get would be randomly picked by them. This was so fun and exciting until I got TWO the exact same dress at once. Like, seriously?! C’mon!!! Though others have been splendid and now cherished items. Hit or miss!

I know the history of Mod Cloth and how they have relied and used fat community (at least locally for me, SF Bay Area) to further their own profits only to dump us in a hot minute. I know folks who were directly involved in those happenings at the start and it was heartbreaking to hear the personal stories behind all of that. And yes, Mod Cloth was acquired by Walmart not long ago and that is off putting to say the least. I have seen no changes since that happened, though. I still see the same designers and fun items coming in and while I rarely buy things, it is always a delight to add things to my wishlist.

Lizzo is that hidden gem of an artist that makes me pinch myself every time I watch one of her videos on YouTube. She is everything I have wanted to see in the world of music and more. She is a stunning person and a gorgeous black woman! Her style in fashion and vocals is fabulous! I draw much inspiration from her and love how strongly she feels about representation. Lizzo is also a fat woman with no fucking qualms about her body size! Even if her music isn’t for you (though that is hard for me to believe), her message and her personality are what we really need to see more of in this world, dammit!

I hope more fat women share themselves confidently with the world. Representation is so fucking vital! I hope more retailers, clothing or not, expand their offerings to accommodate and attract fat customers. I want to see an end to fat shaming in my lifetime…and I think it’s possible!

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Instagram & Facebook!

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (You can listen straight from the web, too!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (and updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it!

I also have an Instagram, though I need to get back into posting there: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

Health is Wealth – FML

May10

Content Warning: I mention and use images to discuss and take apart the things people attribute to being healthy or unhealthy, I do not believe these things as I explain below. My use of said images is meant to be sarcastic and in no way promotes this toxic bullshit, I assure you.

Image result for health

WHO THOUGHT THIS BS UP?! IT’S TERRIBLE! STOP!!!

“Health is wealth, and I’m broke, so that’s all I’m after! Ha-ha!” he said with a hearty chuckle after no less than three people stood around my desk talking about their individual and collective weight loss successes and how they each achieved it in different ways. I wanted to growl at them, loudly. There’s no use in reasoning with people like this. The one with manners then apologized to me for being so distracting. If only they knew how absolutely full of shit each of them truly is! Ha-ha! The “Health is wealth” one admitted they no longer eat dinner and only half the lunch portion they used to consume. The classier of the three gets just shy of evangelizing, “Keto! You either know it or you don’t, but once you start you’ll never want to stop, it’s brilliant!” It was all I could do to pretend to ignore the entire conversation just feet away from me. Internally I may have rolled my eyes so hard the southern hemisphere rippled. (Also, none of these three has ever been fat a day in their lives!)

Health is wealth is the biggest piece of shit thing to say that I’ve heard in awhile! And that’s saying a lot, it’s not like any of us can avoid what our current president says every fucking day! But Health is Wealth is so classist it’s anger inducing and that doesn’t even get into the rest of the ball of bullshit wrapped up in that phrase. So let’s shred it, shall we? Let’s!
Image result for health
SUCH BULLSHIT!
Health: Is not what most of us think it is. It’s not a destination. It’s not something you can put your finger on. It’s not something you get to choose from a list of options. Many people are born with health issues/concerns, they never get to say “Health is Wealth” and that’s even if they get the best treatment there is. Health is more of a buzzword than anything with any actual meaning now days. I hear it so much every fucking day, “Oh that’s not healthy dude!” or “Look at me being healthy!” it’s not a verb, it’s not an adjective and it’s certainly not wealth in any sort of way that matters to me. It’s so aggravating and I do push back, a lot. It’s meaningless. You can slap the word healthy on anything these days and no one questions it. It is a noun: the state of being free from illness or injury. See, nothing to do with food whatsoever!
Food in and of itself is neither healthy or unhealthy, no matter what food it is or how it is prepared. It’s an inanimate object! That’s it! There’s no good or bad, no healthy or unhealthy, it’s just food. You either eat it or you don’t. I’ve had enough conversations about this that I am usually ready to explain myself because I am always questioned by the “healther” I’ll call them, or those that proselytize “health” as something we must all strive for constantly with our every waking breath! Fuck that!
Image result for sugar heroin
FAKE AS FUCK!
Very recently I was at a professional networking event and there were vendors giving samples and informational brochures about their products and services. There was one vendor I had been emailing with and had even scheduled a call to discuss how they might fit my current employer’s needs. But when I got up to the table to talk to the guy and introduce myself I very quickly saw that their entire marketing platform was built on the demonization of sugar consumption. That eye roll thing happened again, but I introduced myself anyway. And then I asked if this was their only marketing strategy currently. He never actually answered that question, but very quickly jumped to the, “It’s as addictive as heroin!” garbage and I asked why he was quoting an article on a study that was published over six years ago and has since been proven to be speculative bullshit. (It hits the same reward centers of the brain, so do likes on social media, there is no evidence of actual addiction to sugar). He insisted it was true and absolute. I asked him who paid for the study and how that information corrupts “results”. He didn’t know. I told him to follow the money. I told him that the American Medical Associate is funded in part by the beef and dairy council, he responded with, “Well, sure, if you look into something enough you’re gonna find something!” which was my point exactly. Their table was set up with samples of snack items with comparable brands and beside each were stacks of sugar cubes representing in grams what each serving size would be. He finally pressed, “Fine, what is healthy to you?!” and I said what I always say, “It’s our behavior, not food, it’s what we do with it. Life should be full of variety and moderation in most things. That’s it!” he had nothing to say to that. We both said we’d schedule that call, and neither of us have. Fuck him and his bullshit company.
I run the food and beverage program for a tech start up in silicon valley as the office manager. I have run many food programs for startups in the area. I’ve owned and operated my own restaurant. I’m food safety certified and a genuine food/nutrition nerd. I know more about this stuff than most folks, sadly and often, more than medical doctors, too. The average MD gets approximately 40 hours of nutritional education. I’ve had far more by leaps and bounds than 40 hours! I have read countless books, guides, workshops, you name it! Knowing the science about food was an eye opener and a game changer for me. Having people close to me with severe and “bizarre” allergies (or so doctor’s told them) taught me a lot, too. I have seen people destroy their lives over their food choices. My own food choices have created problems in my personal relationships in the past. The more you know the more informed decisions you can make for yourself. That is really all I am ever talking about here, autonomy! It’s a beautiful thing!
Because I run the food program for my company I am well accustomed and attuned to people’s “feedback” about the options we have on offer on any given day. 98% of this “feedback” is full of bullshit buzzwords that are so meaningless you can actually see the fear growing in their eyes as I open my mouth to ask them to clarify or provide more detail. Ha-ha! It tickles me sometimes, other times it’s down right triggering and fucking depressing. These are grown ass adults getting paid a fuck ton of money to do a job in one of the hottest markets in the country and yet they never bother to question what they are putting in their mouths (or heads for that matter), but they love to question me about it daily. I’m tough, I can take it, and I have a great work bff and personal support system in place when I need it. Not everyone does, though, and to me that’s the real trouble. They shame and blame others, they shame and blame themselves, never realizing that it’s all made up! No doubt this has caused many eating disorders and body image issues the world over. But please, let’s all continue to blame fat people for everything! Ha-ha!
Image result for health
NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON HERE. STAY AWAY GERMS, OR SOMETHING!
Also, fuck health! I live with old and recurring injuries. While I have no on-going health issues, the very size of my body is so often pathologized that I know to fast before going to any doctor’s appointment, even if it’s just a pap smear or a cold, because they take one look at me and send me for a fasting glucose test (obv fat = diabetes y’all, duh! – NOT!!! And that is not how that works!). It’s fucking everywhere, this toxic bullshit mentality. I want to punch it in the face! I know, I know, “it” doesn’t have a face. But it IS destroying us and our “health”! I hope that we can all trust in ourselves and our bodies to do and know what is right, and to seek solid information to better inform our decisions. If you haven’t already read it, I cannot recommend enough the book Health At Every Size by Dr. Linda Bacon, it was such an eye opener for me and showed me the ways in which we are taught to not trust our own bodies and minds. To me this is such a tragedy. I hope we can one day find ourselves not even talking about food and health in these ways.
Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Instagram & Facebook!

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (You can listen straight from the web, too!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (and updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it!

I also have an Instagram, though I need to get back into posting there: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

posted under Bullshit, Buzz, fat, Food | No Comments »

Without A Mother; Mother’s Day

May9

I posted the following on my personal Facebook page yesterday:

  Sarah   May 8, 2018:
Sharing this memory as all the usual feels are beginning to swirl and the rising tide of “BUT YOUR MOM!!!!” messages for this made up holiday have reached a deafening level. There’s no card for this shit. SMDH.

  Sarah   May 8, 2016
Shout out to all the kids who had to grow up too early or sacrifice way too much of their childhoods because their parents weren’t equipped for the job, for whatever reason. We don’t get a “day” but we don’t need one because the things we had to do for others were never done for us anyway. Keep on keepin’ on! 

There are things we go through in this world that cannot be put into words. Emotions, experiences, and while some words do exist, what does it truly mean and feel like to be in “awe” or “miserable”? As I reread what I had written back in 2016, I paused. I took a slow, deep breath. This isn’t unusual these days as I have been practicing this for some time in order to actually consider things before responding to them (rare in modern society, imho). I realized in this pause that I had had some tension building up inside me. That I had been getting grouchier in recent days without knowing why or really even questioning it. For transparency sake I will admit that I simply expected the constant numbness inside me which often precedes full blown depression to be the culprit followed by PMS, but now I think it’s marketing for Mother’s Day. Ugh!

Image result for anti mother's day
First let me just say that I don’t have anything against mother’s and I fully support them in all that they do. Having said that, I have never had a mother figure in my life, save for the first 5 years of my life. My mother was physically present after this time, but rarely mentally so. I’ve written about this before, so let’s not get back into those specifics today. No, I want to talk about those of us who had to step in and up, without really understanding or knowing what we were undertaking at the time of course, because we had to. I hate that I have felt shame over this. I hate that I have felt hurt and scornful and full of wounded pride that doesn’t even belong to me over this. I hate that my biological parents will never admit to how things really were for us kids.
But I am not filled with hate. I am definitely not filled with anger (yuck). I am filled with a sense of loss and longing for something I have never had. I’ve witnessed countless families with fully or mostly functioning parental figures. Not to knock my dad, he had to work all of the time for us to just scrape by ( but my shit with him is heavier and darker and that is not what this post is about). I saw broken families with strong maternal bonds in my childhood neighborhood. My childhood best friend’s mom always kept me at a distance, but did her best to include me and my awkward ass from a poor family in things that mattered. I always felt like an outsider, no matter how long I knew a friend and their family, I never felt like I got a ticket to the having a mom in your life ride. That unconditional love shit? Where do I find this? *DigsForWallet*
I have friends who have incredible and beautiful relationships with their mothers. Single mothers and their eldest daughters being in the majority amongst my circle of friends. Even friends with parents who have married and remarried seem to actually love and like each other and that honestly just does my head in at this point. While all unique and none without issues, they are all what I have never had and there’s really no way to make peace with that. There’s no way to fill a hole you didn’t know you even had until later in adulthood. I’m not one for black tar heroin, so passe, but I also don’t seek fulfillment in that part of myself at all. (Okay, if I do I am completely unaware of it!)
The closest thing I’ve had to a true maternal figure in my life was my grandma, my dad’s mother. They had a great relationship, she was a wonderful human being in the truest sense. She was a registered nurse, met my grandpa in WWII, worked in elder care for a convalescent hospital for my entire life…but we weren’t very close until I was about 19 years old. I had escaped an abusive relationship that I’m not sure anyone in my family was even aware of (though much of it happened in our home), I’d been living twenty miles away until my roommates got us evicted (they were such sweet stoners until they brought meth into the equation). I had to move back home. My grandma had the best sense of humor and a way of seeing the world’s beauty and misery in a way I want to believe that I have carried on. There is so much I wish I could talk to her about now, but I wasn’t the person I am today, then. She passed away in 2003, just a few months before my first marriage. (I’m assuming another marriage though I have no plans, hopes, or desires. Ha-ha!)
Later I bonded with her (only slightly) younger sister who was such a spitfire! She saw the bullshit my dad’s wife was dishing and sought to gain my trust and confidence, and she succeeded. She taught my then husband and I to play her favorite dominoes game and to make a great (strong!) vodka-tonic. She saw me as an adult, something my dad just could. We lost touch due to said dad’s wife and her incessant lies that tore our family apart. At her funeral her children demanded to know who I was and I don’t know what hurt more that or losing her all together. It was the end of matriarchs in my family. It was also the end of my family, imo. It’s not about forgiveness or anything of the sort. It’s about just being human and doing the right thing, even if it’s too late.
Fleeting but strong bonds that have carried me through darker times than these, that continue to inspire and push me to keep on keepin’ on. Truly, though? I have come to distrust the motherly tone of anyone aiming their vocal chords in my direction. Years of Mom-agers in tech startups bullying or gaslighting me (for real!) have proven to be the worst of the worst in my book. I am a feminist! I don’t have anything against actual mothers, in fact I admire them. But a Mom-ager is something differently entirely. Other women I have known have really been great friends, lifelong friends even, and I hold friendships to a very high standard. It’s not the same though. Not having that person you can tell tough things to, to show you how to “be” a woman or do “womanly” things, I have never had. From my period at age 9 to my first pubic bush in all it’s lustrous glory, kissing and sex, relationships and my own identity struggles, you name it, I have relied on other weird kids I hung out with for information and tips and advice, even the library proved more fruitful than adults growing up.
The marketing and manipulation that Mother’s Day brings is so fucked up it creeps up on me every year and I always think I’m immune to it at first. I just roll my eyes and figure it simply doesn’t apply to me and try to live my damn life. But it’s EVERYWHERE!!! Just now I received an email from a company I like (Rainbeau Curves) with the subject line, “Celebrate Mom!” UGH! I still feel mostly numb inside, like I haven’t felt anything in awhile. It’s weird, but familiar. It’s better than being overly emotional in that at least my lack of emotion doesn’t offend anyone or leave me drained and wrecked. I go through spells where I long to feel something, but then those floodgates open up and I wish it would all go away again. Even all this motherly stuff hasn’t brought on any actual emotions, just tension and frustration in a physical sort of way. Meh, I’m weird.
Image result for anti mother's day
So shout out to the weird kids who are still just weird kids in grown up bodies struggling to break free of the bullshit that distorted their world views and robbed them of their childhoods. Shout out to the weird kids who had to hide to survive, who struggled their entire lives to fit in or even be seen…by anyone at all! We don’t get a holiday or greeting card companies profiting off our collective weirdness. But I see you, I celebrate you, and I embrace you and alllllll of your amazing weirdness! We hold together the very fabric of society and no one seems to realize that. Fuck ’em! We don’t need them, we’ve figured it all out by now and can support one another from here on out! So I hope you do something absolutely wonderful for yourself this Sunday, I’ll do my best to as well.
Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Instagram & Facebook!

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (You can listen straight from the web, too!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (and updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it!

I also have an Instagram, though I need to get back into posting there: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

Eat Your Heart Out!

April18

Life is such a funny beast of a thing! When you think you know yourself, and I feel like I really know myself at this point, things happen or change and suddenly you’re meeting an ex downtown for tea. WHAT?! I know! SO not a Me thing to do. Shit happens, things change, you pivot or bail, whatever! Ha-ha! It’s good to surprise yourself, I guess. And, well, I guess I’m glad that I did it! So…what happened?

So, after I left my husband in 2012, I befriended a man I had met at a terrible BBW club. There was attraction, but it was more than that (always is for me).We didn’t ever actually date. We “hung out” and were “friends” but whenever things felt too serious for him, he’d bail and I wouldn’t hear from him for weeks. *Yawn* Long story short, after a year of chasing after the dumbass, I found some love elsewhere and left him in the dust. He moved away, I had moved one. End of story. Sort of. Really he has continued to text me every few months. Usually simple things like, “Thinking of you” or “I miss hanging out and having tea together.” nothing offensive. I have not responded to him with one exception in 2016 when he called my phone for the first time since he moved away. I was expecting a work call, I was at work, and picked up by mistake not recognizing the number. I was very curt with him, professional even, and ended the call quickly. It was also my birthday and I got drunk with some coworkers and on my train ride home I drunkenly text him demanding to know his intentions for calling and texting me before my phone died. Outside of that one day, I haven’t said a single thing to him.

Sometimes I would forget about him entirely. 6-9 months would go by and he would be the furthest thing from my mind. And then *TextNotificationSound* He’d pop up again. I would roll my eyes and archive the text, not wanting to block him which might inspire other means of communication. I saw in my blog’s stats that he regularly downloads pics of me from my posts, mostly old ones from right before I met him. He doesn’t even read what I write! Psshht! So he wasn’t even aware of my breakup last year or that I’d been with the same person for four years. So, not long ago he started to text me again. I thought nothing of it or him, to be honest. Mild flattery at best, mild annoyance at worst. Then he called my phone again and I didn’t pick up. Why should I? I’m not really into talking on the phone unless I have to for work things. A few days went by after that and I get a random text while in line at CVS one night, “You suck!” and it was all I could do to keep the tears at bay from my laughter!

Something about that “You suck!” text just tickled me! Talk about the long game! Ha-ha! I still didn’t reply, because why?! Fuck that. My life, my terms. Being single and living alone means I am beholden to no man (okay, my puggo and perhaps my landlord? Hahahahah!). Then a few days later a few of us were sitting together to get a project done by the end of the day and were supporting one another through the process. I get another text from him, this one full of regret and apologies, things he’s never said before. I was surprised, but firm in my non-respsonse. Until I read what he said to two of my coworkers. My bff/coworker “A” gave me the “Oh hell no, grrrrl!” look and went right back to work. Another coworker was all, “Maybe I watch too many movies, but you never know, what if he ends up being the love of your life!” and she looked so wistful and sweet that I actually fucking caved and text him back!

He was in town, but leaving in two days, and wanted to see me to apologize for how he treated me in person. I gave him hell, but agreed to meet quickly for tea near my work. I showed up hard as nails, ordered my tea and sat down. He walked in and I won’t ever lie to you here, he looked gorgeous! I kept my cool and insisted he say whatever he needed to and then I would leave. But you know that isn’t how it worked out, right? I’m not afraid of confrontation, and relished the opportunity to put this fool in his proper place, in the past! He gave non-apologies, I rejected each of them. I then called him out for being a homophobic racist and misogynist. He was shocked! He expected, I imagined, that I would be all starry eyed and sweet like I was back when. Ha-ha! Nope! While I had to explain some things to him, I pushed back and insisted he needed to get with the fucking times and read some books before claiming to not be the things I know him to be.

I want to give people the benefit of the doubt. I want to believe that people can change. I have only ever given one person a second chance when it comes to romantic relationships. That didn’t go well. I don’t intend to make that mistake again. And this guy? Oh. Hell. No. That doesn’t mean I couldn’t enjoy the moment or his company again, even if only for the short time at tea. Soon we were talking and catching each other up on life and family things and very naturally he asked if we could walk around the lovely little downtown area we were in. I was game, but I was on guard! We talked about all sorts of random things and then he said, “Sarah, I have been thinking a lot about moving back to the bay area to win you back.” I laughed loudly at this. “You said we were never together!” I nearly shouted before laughing a whole lot more. “Do I have a chance to win your heart back?” he inquired. “You never had it or wanted it until I moved on. You are not up to the challenge of even attempting to properly date me. You’d have to read so many books! Ha-ha! No, no, you couldn’t possibly! Ha-ha!”

We walked around and talked some more and he had asked for a hug at some point and I said no. He was confused but respected that boundary. Shortly after though, whilst laughing about something together, I grabbed him and kissed him. Curiosity got the best of me, what else can I say?! I immediately told him that it meant nothing and was not intended to imply anything at all and that I was just curious. He was in shock and happy af! Ha-ha! Then I gave him shit about his past behavior again. I did kiss him again before saying goodbye, but he understood finally that there was no chance for there to be an “us” now or ever. He’d asked if he could see me before he left town and I said no and explained that I already had plans.

The next day he text to invite me to lunch, but I’d woken up with a terrible headache and said no. He text me later to see if I was feeling better and I honestly was and my plans had been pushed back until later that evening so I text him, “Where are you buying me dinner tonight?” with a sunglasses emoji. He responded a bit later but with the perfect answer and to that I sent him a pic of me looking dramatic and glamorous (bottom-center pic below)! He replied, “Who is this model?!” *Barfs* Ugh! But I went and it was a fantastic meal, and honestly the conversation was enlightening in that I could feel/see the spell I had on him and it felt fantastic to finally not be the one pining away for someone. You’d think that would make me kinder to someone in that position, but no, I treated him as he deserved and he understood and admitted and agreed. He even took me out for gelato after dinner and we hit up this little boutique we used to venture into years ago and he bought me a pin of a pug I wanted. He walked me to my car, I wished him well and agreed that he could text the next time he was in town but that I would make no promises to respond or meet up again. At that we said goodbye and I kissed him one last time. He hasn’t text me since.

I’m not saying it’s right or wrong, my behavior or his. We do things that even we cannot understand why. In the end it felt amazing and powerful and exciting and ridiculous all at once. I’m glad I met up with someone I was once gaga for and confirmed that I have zero feelings for. While in line at the gelato place he said he understood that I had no feelings for him, but asked if I cared about him, even a little. “Well, I wouldn’t want you to get hit by a bus.” was my response and I saw in his eyes how disappointing that was for him to hear. I felt a little bad, but he refused to remember all of the pain he caused me and insisted that I should only remember the good times. He holds onto some fantasy version of a memory of me that never actually existed. He’s still stuck in a time that I was trying to escape from back then. He doesn’t see me as a whole, equal and completely amazing human being. He sees me as a beautiful woman, made for traditional trappings of which I have no interest in. He enjoys my sass, which is abundant, but he is not a worthy mate for me by any measure.

I had never done the running into an ex thing before. I don’t look to my past for lessons in life these days, I keep it behind me. I’m always suspicious of anyone from the past popping up with seemingly good intentions. It’s never what it was and is rarely worth the time or trouble to entertain. I don’t regret meeting up with this ex, I know now for certain that what once was can never be. I feel good about that, actually. I do not care for loose ends. There’s definitely no one else in my past that I would give the time of day to. So, this feels more like a closure that, while it wasn’t needed, it was kind of nice. And damn did I look great! His jaw dropped when I walked into the restaurant…my other “plans” jaw dropped later that night, too!

 

(the dress is from Eshakti.com and I’m in love with it! My glasses are from Coastal.com and the pearls are old but from ShaneCo.com)

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S

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