NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Lucky Thirteen!

December13

It’s been thirteen years since I started this blog. A lot has changed with me and the world. I’m still fat, still wordy as fuck, and still rolling right along. There are times when I feel there’s nothing more to be said, in general, but also about living in a fat body. I know that isn’t true, but it’s a feeling I get sometimes. At the ripe and juicy age of forty-four, I no longer have a lot of the insecurities I used to carry with me. I have worked hard over the many years to heal from my trauma and abuse, to be more present, to be mindful of others and my own impact on them, and really to just live the life I have always wanted to. I am no longer at odds with my body. I love my body, it’s fucking awesome, and we’ve been through so much and we’re not done yet!


I recall vividly the person I was then. I wish I could hold her now and tell her it will all work out for the best. She was frightened of so much, but also of being herself. I didn’t know how to dress my fat body. I had loved fashion from an early age but also dressed more as a tomboy than not for the first half of my life so far. I remember the great discomfort I felt within my body every single day and how no matter what size I bought no clothing ever felt comfortable. Options were far more limited then, certainly. I also didn’t allow myself to even consider more femme forward looks, though I did dabble occasionally. I mean one does not possess the bountiful bosom that I do and not see its potential. Ha-ha! 


Now I see myself as my truest form, the most authentic and least fearful I have ever been. My style has changed greatly. I don’t even wear pants anymore. I don’t rely on tights or teggings to cover my legs in shame. No, I let those babies out and let the world worry about it. Ha! I still don’t feel great about my legs, but I no longer let it hold me back or affect my comfort. I have a better understanding of what styles and forms look best on my body. I do still wear my Doc Martens with dresses but that is just who I am as a person. I do not allow diet talk in my presence no matter the setting, yes even at work. 


I have had to sever or let go of some folks and relationships over the years. The ones that matter are still around. The rest I wish no harm. My boundaries are both stronger and healthier than ever. I’m pretty pleased with that. I’m in a great place in my career and feel more a part of a team than ever before. If I look back even a few years I can see very clearly how far I’ve come. That’s not to brag, it was hard won and alway and still a struggle. But stability is something I’ve never had and it feels like it’s where I’m at right now, even if I refuse to admit it. Even when haters want to throw stones, they bounce right off because I know the work and the good I put out into the world and need no outside validation. 


While my on-the-street type of activism days may be over, I am still informed and involved in ways that I feel I can be helpful. Mostly that means supporting financially, signal boosting, and other forms of virtual involvement. I miss my local fat community terribly. I miss the dance shows and other fun events. I know they’ll come back eventually, but I know we’ve also lost folks in the community over the last two years. Many more have moved out of the area or even the state due to how unaffordable and inaccessible housing is in the SF bay area. While I am happy where I live, I don’t have any local lady friends at all. My nearest and dearest moved away a few years ago. 


And some have asked about my love life and I’m here to tell you that love is not what I’m interested in at the moment at all. I’m still in mourning, it hits me like a semi truck out of nowhere and I’m a wreck all over again. I’m not able to nor wanting to give love to anyone in a romantic sort of way. I’m not even sure I can accept it from others at this point. That isn’t to say I’m not dating, I definitely am, but with a very different end goal in sight. It certainly takes the pressure off! Ha-ha! And it’s given me some practice on socializing again after soooooo very long of none at all. I’m in a transitional period and doing my best to be patient with that and myself.


If you’ve read this blog for any amount of time I’m certain you know that I am not one for New Year’s resolutions. I don’t even think I have it in me to do any sort of goal setting at the moment. I have this big project for work using all of my wits and creativity and I’m glad for it, it’s my favorite, but it is an immense amount of pressure on a very tight timeline. I mostly come home exhausted and depleted. I no longer have my lil’ puggo to keep me warm or company. That is still the hardest fucking thing! Just coming home and every single time I walk in the door and it’s like, “Oh. It’s just me now.” It’s still devastating.


I have a lot of hope for the near future though! I have my dark and broody days for sure, and I’ll be the first to call myself a grinch, but I am once again excited about seeing people! I know, I’m surprised too! Ha-ha! Mostly my besties and other locals that I haven’t been able to see during the worst of the pandemic. I’m not yet ready for dance clubs or comedy shows, though I miss them. My besties got me a new couch for my birthday, they just brought it over this past weekend and I am in love! It’s emerald green velvet, mid century style, but with a modern twist of folding flat so as to become a futon of sorts. I may now have too much furniture in my living room, but now I can have four friends over at once without having to grab kitchen chairs! Ha!


Lastly, and honestly, I have really been feeling myself. And how often can anyone say that?! Like in a deep down, damn I’m not just a badass but a whole stunning and gorgeous human too, kind of way! I wish I could share this feeling and give it to others. It is powerful! It is freeing! And it is all mine. No one can take it! I know I’m not indestructible, but truly knowing yourself and your own capabilities does give you a sense of not giving a fuck combined with a whole lot of gratitude, always. Yes I am still struggling with my grief but that’s not going away any time soon and life isn’t going to live itself in a fulfilling way without some efforts on my part. So I’m here for it! 


Cheers to you, cheers to me, cheers to this blog and to lucky thirteen!

***

I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (We only recorded a few episodes but they were good!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall currently donations will be given directly to Black women in need through my network.

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (updated frequently and not just about fat stuff): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same shared content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it! I’m also on Space Hey: NotBlueAtAll

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.) notblueatall@notblueatall.com

The Beginning and The End

November12

I’m okay. Friends keep checking on me, but I really am okay. I’m mostly just processing and trying to figure some shit out, ya know? Losing my babyman so suddenly really flipped my world upside down. Next thing you know I’m going on a couple of dates with someone, on the second they asked to be exclusive, I was into it. It felt nice to be noticed and admired. It was fantastic to meet someone who wanted to participate in lengthy conversation without aim. The third date was my birthday and I was a bit nervous. Seems a tall order to plan an entire day for someone who doesn’t know you very well and on their birthday?! Yikes! I don’t think I would have been so bold. In the end, it was a truly fantastic day! A whirlwind, I dare say!


They picked me up at 11 am and we headed to breakfast at a cute little cafe. Then to a private karaoke room in this games/activities type place where they gave me a card that exclaimed their love followed by serenading me with an original birthday song just for me! We both sang songs but it was obvious they were trying to impress while I was simply trying to go with the flow and enjoy the ride. Next we played a couple rounds of billiards, but it was too hot to comfortably play while wearing face masks. So we ditched and while he offered to take me axe throwing, I was too worried about injuring myself and so mini golf was the compromise. It was a blast, too! There was hardly anyone there so we got to take our time and just be silly about the whole thing. Then we had Thai food at this little hole in the wall nearby, it was delicious! 


When the dessert shop they had planned on taking me to was closed early, it seemed their plans had sort of fizzled out. I very much did not want the day to end so I invited them back to my place. We had been flirting all day and they were so thoughtful and sweet and I wanted to be more intimate with them. So back to my place we went, I had panic-cleaned the night before so I wasn’t too stressed about my usual mess. We sat and talked and laughed and made out and it was all super fun. When I asked if they wanted to move to the bedroom, their enthusiasm was exactly what was called for. Ha-ha! And it was all super great, like truly, a wonderful time was had by all. 


Things got a little weird shortly after that though. Like, they never expressly asked or were invited to spend the night. They already had a bag packed in their car for the occasion. I poked fun, but I was a little put off by it. They said they didn’t have work the next day but their schedule changed a lot so I didn’t think much of it. Even with all of the activities and excitement of the day, I couldn’t sleep! I hadn’t had someone in my bed at all, let alone to spend the night, in years! I just rolled with it. The next day we made out tons more and had a lot more sex. Super fun! Then I took them to my favorite hidden gem in the bay area, near where I grew up, The Pulgas Water Temple. It was a gorgeous day as we ate our sandwiches in the shade of an old tree. A couple was getting their wedding photos taken there with their dogs, it was super cute. We headed back to my place, without a plan. And next thing you know, that third date lasted three days.


It’s nuts! We kept saying so, too, the entire time. But emotions were high, certainly getting laid helped with that and it was all such a lovely distraction. But after three days and two nights with no sleep, this introvert needed some alone time. They were super cool about it, but then got too stoned to leave at a reasonable hour, which left me very cranky. They came back the next morning and I was starting to feel that while I liked this person a lot, they probably weren’t as good a match for me as I originally thought. I felt more critical of them suddenly and I didn’t like that feeling within myself at all. I told them we couldn’t do back to back overnights anymore, I needed to sleep and my restless leg syndrome was out of control as a result. They said they understood, wanted to respect my boundaries, all seemed well. 


There were no more plans or adventures. It was just us sitting on my couch in my apartment talking or watching netflix, random makeouts, and seemingly rote sex after that. The excitement of the partnership had passed for me. They were still very much feeling it but the next day I had it and exclaimed, “No more over nights ever!” I needed sleep, I needed alone time, I needed to do my fucking nails and couldn’t when they were there. Within a week’s time I went from not being able to keep my hands off of them to not even wanting to see them. It was odd. But then, they took the entire week off of work without even mentioning it to me once.


The next week we went back to work and reality hit me kind of hard. Things at work have actually been really great so that wasn’t the issue at all. I am still very much grieving and hard! That week was a nice distraction, but I wasn’t feeling anything but sadness. I found being home alone each night to be a greater joy and comfort than I could have expected. When they came over the following Saturday, I was all dolled up and looking drop dead sexy! I was feeling myself and was hoping they would be feeling me too. Ha! Only when we kissed hello I felt absolutely nothing. They didn’t comment on my outfit or how hot or gorgeous I looked…at all! I didn’t think about that part until the next day and then it was just like whatever. They brought over food they had cooked at home but I didn’t have as much of an appetite as they did. When we kissed for a bit they could tell something was different with me and I did my best to explain but I think they took it more as I wasn’t in the mood for sex and not that I was actually not feeling the partnership any longer. 


As this past week has progressed, they reached out but I explained that my period was wrecking me and I was simply in too much pain and exhausted to do anything. We haven’t talked or text at all in more than a couple of days now. I feel a little bad about it, but I haven’t misled them in any way. I caught up with a couple of friends this week and had some realizations. First, the people who know you best actually do know what is good for you and serving you and what is not. My nearest and dearest were like, “They are not the one!” and “This sounds very familiar, remember when…” and suddenly it hit me. This was all a repeated pattern that I had literally taken a year plus off dating to recover and reset and get away from. 

The more I chatted with my beloveds, the more I realized how I get caught up in other people’s feelings. How easy it is to get swept up when someone is doing and saying “all the right things at exactly the right time (but they mean nothing to you and you don’t know why”) and showering you with affection when you’ve been starved for any attention and affection for so long. UGH! I couldn’t see this for myself until my friends were like, “Uhh…this isn’t right.” I needed that reality check and I am so grateful to have them in my life. I know it’s not easy to tell someone that they are not on their right path. It helped me realize that I need to end this. I cannot properly grieve, heal, and grow if I am distracted and not even fully invested in a situationship. I cannot fully participate in a relationship in the way that I would normally want or need to when I am still so deep in my grief. I am not my usual fantastic self and thus have no business trying to be in a relationship with anyone for awhile. 


Ending things is not easy nor fun to do. I always want to be kind. The other party doesn’t always allow you to be kind in those moments though. I think they will understand, but another pattern I worry about repeating is them bargaining for a compromise that will serve neither of us in the end and only postpone the inevitable severance. No, I can’t do that again. So, they are coming over tomorrow morning and I will have this talk with them. They have been so compassionate and respectful and I think they will absolutely understand, but I know that they are a sensitive and gentle soul and this will be hard to hear for them. I anguish over these things, even though I know it’s the right thing to do.


I definitely need to take a big ole step back and rethink what it is I want out of dating before I dip my toe back into those icy waters again. I’m not even sure that I want to be monogamous anymore. I’m not sure that a traditional style partnership is for me. I may need to sleep alone forever and that is fine. I need my sleep, dammit! But having someone in my personal space, my fortress of solitude if you will, was just too much too soon and while I don’t have any regrets, it’s just not a good fit for me. 


Have you gotten caught up in something that wasn’t right for you? Have you had to end something that was moving too quickly? Do you get swept up in other people’s feelings? I know I do! I just gotta figure out how to stop! Ha-ha!

***

I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (We only recorded a few episodes but they were good!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall currently donations will be given directly to Black women in need through my network.

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (updated frequently and not just about fat stuff): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same shared content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it! I’m also on Space Hey: NotBlueAtAll

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.) notblueatall@notblueatall.com

A Big Big Love

October13

The face of a pug will always elicit a response, no matter its current configuration. Its eyes are ever seeking, ever wanting. To have and to hold and to love a pug of one’s own is a gift from the universe that is truly unmatched. There is no greater love or sense of belonging that could compare. When nothing in this world makes sense, to look into the sweet face of a pug, you realize that all of the answers are right there. To love. To connect. To be silly. To take pleasure in the smallest acts of life. To rest. There is nothing else but this very moment. If you try to hold on for too long it will all surely slip away. 


When out in public with a pug, strangers will stop and stare in delight. They will gasp and sigh, they will squeal and whisper. To glimpse a pug “in the wild” (not the actual wild, they are not the most rugged of creatures) is to get a secret peek at absolute joy embodied. If they notice you in return they will most certainly tilt their head in order to hear you better. Their eyes will widen in preparation to make a new friend. They may even approach as if to say hey I see you too what’s up new friend. 


To share your life with a pug is to never feel alone, no matter how long it has been since you’ve seen another human. You will never be without someone to talk to, sing to, dance with, snuggle with, and always always share a meal with. You will have your very own personal security detail for every late night trip to the bathroom or morning shower. If you are feeling down they will cheer you up, it’s like they can’t even help it. Their mere existence is just love and joy in a soft little body. When ill, you feel the warm weight of their body pressed against you. I’m certain it shortens the healing time of nearly any ailment.   


My beloved puggo, my shadow, my sidekick, my baby, my entire heart, passed away in the ICU on October 8, 2021. We spent twelve years together, growing and learning as we went along. He became very ill, very quickly and while he seemed to be recovering and doing well for a couple of weeks, things took a very sudden turn that his little body just couldn’t handle. Science did all it could to save him. Love did all it could to keep him. No amount of money or tears could make him feel better and finally he just stopped breathing. I was in the shower when the doctor called, I jumped out and grabbed the call, dripping water everywhere. I was on the phone with the doctor when it happened. 
No heart break has ever felt like this. No loss has ever felt like this. I am grateful that he is no longer suffering. His physical absence is unbearable. My every thought and consideration, both mental and physical, was always him. When I was out of work and dealing with the return of some terrible CPTSD symptoms and terrified of the world, he was the for me. When I had a panic attack at my ex husband’s wedding reception, my puggo calmed me down when I got home. He always knew just what I needed. If I cried he would get me to laugh by making silly sounds and flopping around on the bed. 


I have to learn how to be a human again. When my stomach gurgles I look for my sweet boy, thinking it is him. When I drop a crumb on the floor I expect to hear his paws fast approaching. I can’t bring myself to go into my backyard. I only have it for him. The worst is when I come home from work each day. He used to do a big stretch and then squeak at me and I would pretend that he was telling me about his day and respond, “Oh yeah, and then what happened?” and then walk between my feet as I scratched his back and little butt. “My baby butt!” I would say as he would quickly turn around and do the whole thing again. Now I just come home and cry.


My whole life revolved around him. Now he’s gone and I’m not sure what’s left. I’m still me but I feel like my soul is gone. I’m glad I have work, though I did take two days off, because it is a good distraction from my shattered state. Sure, it’s always there just beneath the surface, but I can cover pretty decently at work and no one’s the wiser for it. And I have a big project starting that I’ve been excited about for some time. It is in the small moments, when there’s no pretense, just mundane life things like filling the Brita pitcher or turning over in bed, that it dawns on me that he’s gone again and again. There was no greater joy in my life than coming home to that little muffin.


I cannot imagine loving anyone or anything as much as I loved him. He drove me crazy sometimes and somehow knew how to get into just the right amount of mischief. He was my reason for getting out of bed and for going to bed at a decent hour. He kept us both on a tight schedule. He didn’t get the concept of daylight savings time so I just tried to keep things as consistent as possible, regardless of what the clock said. He would never let me forget dinner time, that was always precise!


He was no big adventurer, though he had been to Gorn Rock and stayed in a Wig Wam in SoCal. I called him a shade seeking missile, he just understood what mattered in life. When he was done with something he made it clear and there was no convincing him otherwise. I appreciated that in him even when we butted heads. We had our routines down pat and had our own flow of doing things together at home. He hated baths but would always just go along with what I asked of him. I would always take those opportunities as an excuse to hold him, he wasn’t a fan, but he knew I loved it so would allow it. I would hold him up to the bathroom mirror and tell him how handsome he was.


Having the bed all to myself is confusing and torturous. I haven’t had a bed to myself since the 90’s. Well, there was that one year when my ex husband and I first split up but he was only a couple of blocks away and I saw him several times a week. No one in the world was ever as happy to see me ever than my puggo. Not family, not friends or lovers, no this tiny pug person was always SO excited to see me! I mean, he liked everybody, but I was always just as excited to see him too. 


No matter what’s going on in your life or the world, you just cannot help but get excited when beholding the face of a pug. 

***

I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (We only recorded a few episodes but they were good!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall currently donations will be given directly to Black women in need through my network.

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (updated frequently and not just about fat stuff): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it! I’m also on Space Hey “NotBlueAtAll”

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.) notblueatall@notblueatall.com

Pug Liiiiife!

September30

Oh my sweet lovelies! These last (nearly) four weeks have been absolute torture as my beloved puggo has been incredibly ill. I’ve had him since he was a teeny puglet and he’s nearing his 12th birthday in two months. He’s always been stout and healthy, with only ear infections and a dry eye to worry over. This was something different all together, I won’t get into the gory details, but at a certain point my food obsessed pug stopped eating and I panicked. It took 3 weeks, 4 veterinarians (2 specialists), lots and lots of tests and several thousand dollars (get pet insurance now so you don’t have this happen to you) but my baby is going to be okay. He has a terribly severe case of irritable bowel disease, he’ll likely be on meds to manage it for the rest of his life. Facing this alone has been absolutely terrifying and exhausting. Doing all I could to keep him comfortable while the experts figured out what was going on was absolutely heart wrenching. When he was admitted to the ICU last Thursday as his little system went into shock, I was home just beside myself not knowing what to do without him home with me even for one night. Just two days later he was back to giving me the full pug attitude and trying to get into the garbage can like he used to. Ha!

I came so close to losing him that I am still sort of in shock. What is an appropriate gift for a veterinarian??? I have a few I need to send. The way two vets specifically handled this tricky situation was beyond impressive. I mean, one really went the extra mile to get a specialist involved even though they are all booked through October. I know for a fact that one vet spent over an hour on hold with two different places at least and even worked late to make it happen for us. They were all so kind and patient with me and my questions. I know they deal with such difficult situations only to have to put the animal down, but not my babyman. I had to keep saying that I wasn’t concerned about the money aspect of it, I just wanted him to be okay. I could hear the relief in their voices every time. And while money actually is a major concern and this ordeal has set me back financially (and can I just say fuck credit scores and how they are measured!), I cannot imagine going through this without the small safety net that I do have now. It is an impossible position to be in, but I know I made the right decisions for me and puggo.

I am beyond grateful to all who assisted in his care, my friends and loved ones for their prayers, woo, and moral support. After having just gone through my own health crisis for so many months and to finally be done with it, having this come up for my lil’ guy nearly wrecked me completely. Steroids and antibiotics are amazing medicines, when used properly. I mean, I had to watch my sweet muffin wither away in pain for days on end until we finally got the answers needed to start some kind of treatment. When he had his follow up yesterday the dogtor couldn’t believe how well and how different he looked! I have no doubt that his usual slight chonk-ness helped in his healing and handling of this. 

I am taking the last week of October off work for “vacation”. While I was originally going to take a road trip up north to bask in the magic of the redwoods, now we will simply be home and trying to get as much fucking sleep as possible! I am so sleep deprived I am waking up most days with broken capillaries around my eyes, despite my commitment to my skincare routine. Ha! Seriously, the sleep deprivation is brutal, but worth the temporary craziness to have a better and longer life with my favorite person (my dog is a person, I will fight you). May the rest of this awful year be without upset or loss, because I am not sure how much more I can handle. Hopefully my 18 year old car can hold on another two years while I recover financially. The loan rates right now are terrible! I’m glad I got the small one I did in March or I would have been absolutely screwed.

2022 is shaping up to be exciting in a positive way at least. My employer is moving offices again and it is a project I have been excited to take on for awhile now. This will be my third big office move and the planning and design parts are my favorite! It reminds me that I am capable of so much more than a “front desk” person, as many see me as. I’m an office manager by title, but I wear a few hats and am coming up on four years in my current role, I love it.

Things are changing, and I am ready for all the goodness! Are you?!

***

I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (We only recorded a few episodes but they were good!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall currently donations will be given directly to Black women in need through my network.

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (updated frequently and not just about fat stuff): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it! I’m also on Space Hey “NotBlueAtAll”

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.) notblueatall@notblueatall.com

I Survived

July30

Well, I have survived my first surgery! Honestly everyone at the hospital was great, but I gotta give a special shout out to the anesthesiologist who saw the panic in my eyes but listened very carefully to all of my questions and made sure to explain everything and more to ease my mind. Seriously, a really great human! When I told him what the other doc had said about cannabis interacting with anesthesia and causing brain damage he was gobsmacked. “A doctor told you this? That’s just wrong. That’s so rude!” And my gallbladder removal surgery went exactly as planned without issue. All I remember in the actual room was scooting onto the operating table from my wheely bed (you know what they wheel you around on) and the surgeon explaining how things would go in which order. I had asked how my fat body would be moved back onto the wheely bed and they calmly explained that I was laying on a set of rollers of some kind that would make the transition smooth. Then each person in the room (6 total I think) introduced themselves, said my name and what procedure I would be having done. It felt a bit like a press conference for a celebrity only I was laying down and naked beneath a thin gauzy medical gown (that would have easily fit two of me inside). Then they put the “oxygen” mask over my face and instructed me to breathe deeply. No counting backwards or any of the old cliches. 

Next thing I knew I was waking up in recovery with RN Cassie trying to talk to me as I mostly just groaned in confusion and pain. I was so terrified of being put under but that was honestly the easiest bit. Cassie was very patient and kind and gave me ice chips and water and strawberry jello, and helped me get my knickers back on. Within half an hour I was dressed, visited the restroom, and on my way to the main entrance where my bestie J was waiting for me with his carriage (okay it’s a Toyota, but allow me to romanticize a scene now and then, yeah?!). I’m sure I said little and groaned more on the ride home, but J was the best, a tried and true ride or die. I was just super extra glad that I didn’t die. That paperwork they had me fill out really got into my head. Ugh! 

The next three days I mostly slept and took my meds and ate fruit. That’s seriously it! After that I stopped taking the oxycodone and stuck with the lovely combo of Motrin and acetaminophen. Gosh that stuff works great! I’ve been walking around like I have never had a knee injury in my life! I know I can’t take this stuff forever, surely that would fuck up my liver something awful, but it really helps feeling more steady and able to do things at home as needed. Yesterday I even chopped and roasted a ton of veggies that would have otherwise gone bad. Had I done that without the NSAIDS I would have been limping and in agony. I will definitely be discussing this with the surgeon at my follow up. 

Yesterday I went back to my office job and honestly, it was great! People were happy to see me, relieved even. My boss admitted he was worried. It’s nice to be valued. I get it in my head sometimes that what I do doesn’t matter, but yesterday showed me that’s ridiculous. While I had a ton of things to catch up on, I conquered it all and felt pretty darn good about myself to boot! I really wasn’t sure how I would feel or what I’d be walking into, but it all worked out well. Even if I did sleep like crap the night before. You know when it’s too hot without a fan but the fan is too noisy too?! Ugh! I am feeling hopeful though. Having this big scary thing over and done with is a massive load off my mind. I will eventually need to have a very similar surgery to remove a mystery mass they found when scanning my gallbladder (it’s benign but it grew), but I’m far less fearful about it all. And hey that scary “you’re gonna die” paperwork is all done! Ha-ha! 

Now if we could all just work together to end this darned pandemic, that would be greeeeeeeeat! Ha!

***

I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

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