NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Covering Our Tracks, Not Our Rolls!

July8

^ Photo by Lisa J. Ellis ^

This past weekend was the annual Big Moves Bay Area dance show by emFATic Dance. It was the seventh year that Tigress & I have performed as a duo, and her eighth as a solo performer. The name of the show was Covering Our Tracks, as most of the songs performed by emFATic Dance were cover songs and they were fantastic! Tigress & I spent months trying to find a perfect cover song that just fit us and well, we didn’t. In the end we went with a song I came across randomly down a YouTube rabbit hole one day, Billie Eilish’s “Bad Guy”. We called our piece, “We are the ones your mother warned you about” and went with a vampy-vibe.

Tigress flew in last Saturday night and stayed with me throughout the week, diligently working on costumes and the choreography for her solo number. We had tech and dress rehearsals in the evenings and it’s almost a 2 hour drive at this point to Oakland from San Jose (Bay Area traffic is no joke!). Any other free time we had we worked on our number together and drank to our heart’s content! She also made our fascinators! So fun!

A lot of this year’s performance, at least for me, felt very chill or almost routine. I didn’t even get nervous once! Wild! We kept our choreography a bit loose and uncomplicated due to the short amount of time we had to practice, as well as the additional stress of her having to travel and stay with me during this time. We looked great, though, for sure! We worked our sassy lil’ outfits and smoked that audience right in their damned seats! It was a blast! I wish you could have seen us! And you really wish you could have seen Tigress solo number, it was electric!

I had watched some YouTube hair style tutorials last year on a simple up do and gave it another shot, despite the fact that I didn’t have all my usual tools for this. It worked out awesome! It’s basically a “pull through braid” at the back, or just a bunch of overhand knots that you keep adding the last set to as you move forward up the back of your head. When I got to my forehead I simply created a fat braid that I then fluffed up and bit before pinning in place.

I like the back to look a bit messy. I’m not a fan of an overly “done” look, ya know? But I really dig how the front turned out!

^^^^ I mean?!?! ^^^^

Oh! And this dress?!?! This dress is Calvin Klein, jersey knit in a size 24 (I’m a 26/28 usually but yay stretch!).

I bought it second hand from one of the dancers in the show and I am in love with it!

It just hugs the right places and feels extra sassy-sexy!

In case you couldn’t tell from my pics alone! Ha-ha!

And then the very next day I receive a package from my bff Mychii in Ohio with a custom made light-up nameplate for my desk at work and this lovely rose gold coffee thermos with “Fierce Fat Femme World Treasure” on it and I am just so blown away!

I needed to re-sync with my fat community. I needed to be surrounded by radical fats. I needed to see all our fat bodies on that stage lit up for the world to see our inner sparkle! It was and always is an incredible experience. To share space with such talented artists, friends, and badasses is like nothing else in this world, I promise you. And every time I think I am done or I can’t go on, one of these shows comes up and for the last 7 years it reminds me why I do it, why we all do the work that we do, for the show and in the world. It is so special.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Instagram & Facebook!

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (You can listen straight from the web, too!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it!

I also have an Instagram, though I don’t post much, I have been trying to: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

Badasses Need Love, Too!

July2

As I grow and age and learn to appreciate things better, I still find myself fighting things that are innate or natural and just…UGH! It’s so ridiculous! I’m feeling strangely blue today for truly no reason at all. I’m just tired I suppose and very much starved for affection. And that’s the thing, I try really fucking hard to pretend I’m a hard ass bitch who doesn’t need such things when, A) I know better and B) you can be a hard ass bitch and need snuggles, it’s science and science is beautiful! Ha-ha!

True facts though, my single by choice life means that I go weeks without a hug, months without a kiss, years since another human has truly held me in a loving way. Having those facts sort of hit me all at once when I was wondering why I was feeling down today, and yeah, that would be a big fucking reason. So why self shame or hide?! I can’t really say for certain, but somehow I got it in my head that it makes me weak somehow. It does not. I need to get over this shit. (“How to get enough physical affection if you’re single” pay wall, but cute as hell comics in a cheeky tone.)
I have been dating more lately and enjoying that for the most part. I have had more affection in a general sort of way but it seems not in the ways I need to feel fulfilled. So what’s this Bitter-Betty to do?! I guess just accept that this is also part of my nature and communicate my needs to those who may support or assist in my fulfillment. Wow! So mature! Ha-ha!

Image result for affection
I must also note here that growing up with very early sexual trauma and further abuse and sexual trauma throughout my most developmental years has certainly made these things all the more difficult. Not just difficult to live with, but to navigate social situations, dating, all of it. Sometimes my PTSD-C will scream “Hell no! No one is going to touch me! NOPE Not okay!!!” even when that feels like the one thing I need most of all. I’m realizing now how much this affected my marriage back when. Ugh. Like I recall aching and longing for my husband to just hold me and see me but could never in a million years actually say those things. Learn from my life, lovelies, lessons abound!
As an introvert as well, I don’t like being around a lot of people, or noisy people/places, nor do I like being around a stranger. It’s a confusing thing to date because of this. Even if I like someone on the surface, far too many have proven that my trust issues are well earned and keep me fucking safe! At the same time I try to stay open and to push myself out of my comfort zone and all of that, and yet? Here the hell I am! Ha!
I suppose those with close families could ask for a cuddle, but that isn’t the case for me. Nowhere near it. I do have my precious puggo that I wouldn’t trade for all the money or Tom Hardys or anything else in the world! But he’s not a big snuggler, he’s more of a snuggle up against you type o’ guy. This shit is complicated! Ha-ha!
Image result for affection
Now I am a big proponent of self love and self care and all of that good stuff. And I am very pro masturbation as a form of those things, and I believe I even excel at them…but I still have this internal ache for that deeper connection with another human being. I guess there really is no substitution for that. In every other aspect of my life I think I’m in a good place. And hey, I’ve been single by choice for over 2.5 years now so if this is the first of this inner longing, so fucking be it! Ha-ha!
Have you struggled with these feelings, too? How have you helped yourself feel better? Do you have a self soothing thing you do? What am I missing out on here? What other things are on your mind or weighing upon your heart?
(Really liked this sentence I ended my last post with, it’s sticking to me and I love that!)
I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Instagram & Facebook!

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (You can listen straight from the web, too!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it!

I also have an Instagram, though I don’t post much, I have been trying to: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

People will always show you their true colors…eventually!

June27

It’s true, people show us their true colors all of the time, but I’m quite certain that we ignore all those signals more often than not. It’s not in their words, usually, but definitely in their deeds and behaviors. I’m big on body language and pay close attention to the physical signals people give as they interact with me. It’s how I know who the fat hating bigots are at work and who’s actually super cool. Ha-ha!

Image result for true colors

Friendships can boom and bust and grow and fade and we’re often left with more questions than answers. I know I certainly have been there, quite a bit a few years ago. What can you do? They showed me their true colors. They forced me to make a choice. They proved to be untrustworthy, or worse. I didn’t escape abuse to welcome it into my life willingly later on. Nope! Next!

Okay, but really this post is about my dating life because that is where I’m shifting some focus these days. What dating life, you might ask? Yeah, I know, I try and give up so quickly that it’s hard to keep up, let alone make any sort of sense of. That person I had that best first date ever with suddenly ghosted me for a week. It was odd, we had been texting every day for weeks. Really we had a terrible date, on a Friday night. Took them to my favorite Italian restaurant and they showed up late & high and had to leave an hour later because their wife was ill. And hey, I totally understood, but their behavior was bullshit. They barely talked and kept checking their phone. It was like a completely different person than the one I had had 3 amazing dates with. Oh well.

When they text me 8 days later with only, “Afternoon! :D” I waited two days to reply, “Afternoon.” I had thought to not text back at all, but I do love a bit of confrontation or at least to let them know I’m not into their fuckery. But no such explanation occurred, so what can ya do?! When they asked how I was I simply said, “Oh you know, just livin’.” and they haven’t responded since. I doubt they will. Too bad, they were a great person to talk to and a helluva great time to make-out with. Next!

Now I’m seeing someone else and having the time of my fucking life! This one is also married and open/ethically non-monagamous, but while the same age as the last one, far more mature and together. Their communication is open, honest and enthusiastic! And ain’t that just the way? People who want to be in your life will tell you, will show you, and will try their best to actually be in your awesome life! It’s almost like magic! And while this person and I get along swimmingly, the connection we’ve made in our short acquaintance is mostly physical (not to mention fucking fantastic! Ha-ha!). I’m not in this one for the feels and for the first time in a long time that feels right! It also FEEEEEEELS right! Ha-ha!

I had had a regular date a couple of weeks ago. I had matched with someone on a few different dating apps and had chatted a bit but it fizzled. Then they popped back up to apologize and explain and decided we should meet up. I was game, they were nice and cute and age appropriate (I might have a hangup about dating folks not yet thirty, wev!). We met outside of the local Egyptian museum in the garden, which was gorgeous as it was also sunset. However, they showed up sweaty in a tank top and shorts (cycling gear really) and checked on their bike twice in the not quite 90 minutes we hung out and chatted. I think we’re attracted to each other, but have very little at all in common. They had invited me to come to their apartment to play some Classic NES the following week but then never reached out to sync on the details. Oh well. Next!

Closure is a scam and we never truly get what we think we need. And the truth is we don’t actually need it! I know that may be a radical notion to some, certainly my own mind screams at the thought, but I’m certain of it now. Our brains will try as they might to finish the puzzle, especially if you have past traumas or PTSD-C as I do. Whew! My lil’ brain-o was on the struggle bus for real when the shit hit the fan at my last job. There was zero logic involved in how that situation went down, but my brain worked so hard for months to make it somehow make sense, but it never could because there was none to be had.

Our feelings are valid, regardless of the situation at hand. How someone makes you feel is real, but if their actions don’t match their words, be on high alert, my lovelies! It’s not worth sticking around for it to really kick you in the pants, I promise. There is so much more life to be had and experience and enriched! There are good people out there! Seriously! They may seem few and far between, but the good ones, the tried and true ones, they are always worth the wait. Trying to force it just never works and why put forth effort where it isn’t wanted anyway?! Nah, I’m done with all of that. I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction. 

Oh well, oh well, oh well.
Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Instagram & Facebook!

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (You can listen straight from the web, too!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it!

I also have an Instagram, though I don’t post much, I have been trying to: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

My Internal Battle Rages On

May28

I spent this past 3-day weekend deep in my feels, really digging and searching for something specific and figure it the heck out. It was an emotional rollercoaster in the realest sense, but I think in the end it was actually really good. I’ll start from the beginning, yeah? Ha-ha!
Saturday I got up and got ready for a coffee date that I was particularly excited about, but always with a grain of salt. I had dealt with a few flakes and once again took some time away from dating. It’s silly, but it’s just how I am, expand and retract. I get mad at myself for closing myself off to the world, and so I force myself out of my comfort zone in the hopes of proving myself wrong. I’m weird. I dig it. I was a lil’ nervous, which is rare for me. I’m at the point where it all feels pre-scripted and thus boring, though I always try to put my best foot forward.
Something about this person, this date if you will, got me hyped up! Which is rad! I even worried over what to wear but in the end I went with what I really wanted to wear, that matched how awesome I was feeling, over what I thought others would think is best. Note to self: always do this! I even shaved my legs which isn’t so weird for me these days, but before a first date was kind of odd. I guess I wanted to feel as good and look as truly myself as possible and I think I accomplished just that. Woo!
We connected on Bumble and had chatted online for two weeks or so. Conversation was light but it was obvious to us both that we should meet. I got to the coffee shop first though we were both running late. Some find this to be the worst offense, but we communicated and I appreciate a flawed human. So I ordered my espresso and bought a couple of nibbles that I ended up not touching until that evening. When they walked in I knew I was toast! I mean, they were like my ultimate 90’s, Joy Division fantasy come to life! Whew!
They wore a Neagan t-shirt (from The Walking Dead) with a black leather jacket and black jeans. Be still my heart! So they get their coffee order in and the conversation just FLOWED! It was so natural and we have so much in common it was surreal. When my parking meter ran out we walked to my car and then just decided to cruise. Neither wanting the convo to end, let alone the date itself or the good vibes we had between us. Then I asked if they’d been to Central Park (in San Mateo, not NYC obvs.) and since they hadn’t I insisted we meander about. We walked through the Japanese tea garden where I got married long ago. The place was alive with families and kids and pets, but we barely took notice.
When my parking meter ran out once again we cruised around some more and whilst sharing dating stories they immediately proposed our second date (this Saturday). On a whim I asked how they felt about cemeteries and when they had no feeling we went to my old haunt. Where I grew up there’s this old Union cemetery that I used to sneak out to make out with boys there in high school. I don’t know why it came to mind, but of course my head was already up in the clouds anyway. We pulled in and somehow Keanu Reeves came up in conversation and we shared a mutual admiration for that fine person.
We wandered through graves half gone from age, others appeared updated or renovated, and some from my memories were completely gone. We sat on a bench under a craggy looking oak tree and realized aloud how much we liked one another. I turned all the shades of red and couldn’t look at them for a bit, I’m not used to such open and honest communicate but appreciate it so much! Then we both admitted to having a time limit for dates, theirs (for first dates) is 2 hours, mine is 3. When I checked my watch it had been 4.5 hours! We decided to leave with our second date already planned.
I drove them home and when they went to get out I got out of my car to give them a hug goodbye. I was suddenly overcome with nerves and excitement! I hugged them and they pulled me close for a moment and it was like Junior High, the feel of that leather jacket in the sun pressed against me. *Sigh* And then they said, “May I kiss you?” and I replied, “Ohmigawd! Yes, please!” and I think that kiss made me fucking ovulate early! Ha-ha! WOW! It was electric and tender and perfect. I blushed hard and thanked them twice and we went our separate ways.
When I got home I gave them my phone number, another personal rule broken. (I wait until the second date for that as they are so rare it’s nearly pointless.) They asked if I was home safe, immediately. I sent them a pic of a tree in my neighborhood whose branches I adore. They asked if it was from our graveyard walk, but I clarified. We text well into the night, I was too excited to even try to sleep. We shared so much of ourselves and everything seemed to fit so well. And then a preference of theirs was shared as a deal breaker and for me it actually is a deal breaker. We explained our sides, but I’m not sure they understand the whole of mine and I’m doubtful they fully understand their own as they couldn’t truly explain it without seeing how ridiculous it all sounded.
I won’t go further into detail, but it was like reaching the highest altitude of joy only to descend very suddenly back to the earth. This was close to 2 am. We agreed to continue seeing each other and to see how things play out for us. I knew they were married already, but they are in an open relationship where both date other folks, so I didn’t give it much thought. I was distraught and at first devastated about their particular preference. It’s nothing seedy or gross, it’s just something I am not able to do.
The salad greens I was using the night before made me very sick the next day on top of my conflicting emotions. I had so much I wanted to get done and sort of tried to but ended up on my couch wrapped up in a blanket finishing up Better Call Saul on Netflix. Ugh! We text off and on, but while they still seemed very much interested, it was becoming apparent that my eagerness to see them again was not exactly matched, though it rarely is.
The next day I truly wrecked myself. I dove headfirst into my feels, plunged into my murkiest depths and forced myself to deal with some old shit that this person had stirred up. Honest to Zod I cried and swooned and wrote until the demons calmed the fuck down. I watched a bunch of great movies and shows that made me do more of the same. I watched Fleabag on Prime (OMZ!), Someone Great, About Time, and Pretty in Pink on Netflix. UGH! The feeeeeeels!!!! I wrote some more and then I was just fucking done!
When I read over the days writings I was surprised but felt good about what was there. I feel protective of those pieces today, keeping them close at hand, not even sure why. Likely because I’m feeling so tender hearted after all of that up and down this weekend. I feel more myself today now that I’m back in the office. I look fly as fuck, but that isn’t even the point. I think in the end I’m mad that I like this person so much. It’s so much easier to just worry about myself and the puggo and go about my life cheerfully. Now I’m stuck in this emo shit that I so do not want to deal with. Ha-ha!
So, I will keep at it, with this person, but more so with others. Why hang my hat on the first hook that seems good? They see others, why shouldn’t I? More to the point, I want someone just for me, if I’m going to bother with all these fucking feelings. It made me realize that I’ve never had a truly normal relationship. I’m okay with seeing where this odd one goes, but dammit if I’m gonna wreck myself over some dumbass human, it better be the real deal, honest and truly for me. I’m not opposed to non-monogamy, though I’ve zero experience with it myself, but I want to share all of me and have someone share all of themselves, too.
Maybe this one came into my life to show me I’m not truly dead inside and that there are folks I can trust to see me for me in the world. I want to believe this. I hate how difficult it is, or how it feels right now. They didn’t seem to want to see me sooner, despite the fact that neither of us had plans and just hung out at home separately the last two days. Ugh! Whatever! I’m fighting this out with myself and I guess only I can win AND lose! Hahahahahaha!
Oh well, oh well, oh well.
Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Instagram & Facebook!

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (You can listen straight from the web, too!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it!

I also have an Instagram, though I don’t post much, I have been trying to: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

Fitting in Amongst the Misfits

April16
I’m in a lot of fat groups on facebook. It’s one of the main reasons why I haven’t left FB all together. The groups I participate in run the gamut of fashion, fatness, activism, feminism, queerness, sex, love, science, art…you name it! Each group has their own set of rules, most of which boils down to: don’t be an oppressive jerk. Even groups that are not fat specific will have rules against body comments or shaming of any kind.
I’ve been writing about my own fat life for over ten years here on this blog-a-ma-thing. Before I took the plunge of starting my own blog, I read so many others! I loved them, too, though most are now defunct. It all felt so exciting and new and thrilling when I first happened upon fat acceptance back in ’05. I wanted to shout from the rooftops and tell every person I encountered that they don’t have to live with that oppressive way of thinking any more! Ha-ha!
I made my own mistakes, too. My passion would overwhelm my reason and I would say something or frame it in such a way that would rub others, more in the know than myself, wrong. Especially on any of the LiveJournal blogs and groups I was in at the time, they also had their own sets of rules and what was not okay to say in a post, and for good reason. We get this oppressive messaging literally everywhere else in the world, we didn’t need it in our “safe space” as well!
Over time these things become reflexive and we can forget our own first few stumbles along the way. I was reminded of this today in a group I enjoy because someone posted for the first time and instantly broke the rules of that group. The thing is, the group is for misfits. This isn’t a group for your plus size instagram models. This is for the offbeat, the dark, the weird, and those who don’t fit in elsewhere. So, I understand their initial confusion when others instructed them to read the rules before posting in the group or at the very least add a trigger or content warning. Instead they did what so many newbies do, they protest and rebel. They also didn’t know there were any rules to speak of.
When I commented that their mention of “progress” of recent intentional weight loss was something that would be rewarded literally everywhere else and that fat people live with that oppression constantly, others chimed in with their knee-jerk congratulations. UGH! I understand wanting to be compassionate, but there was some harmful and triggering language and many commented saying so as well. But I noticed that while they were seeking reinforcement, that they also admitted, at length, how they were full of self hate on the inside.
When I read further down the thread of comments and the poster’s responses it became apparent to me that they were lost and simply seeking connection and advice. That is when I got it and understood exactly where they were at in their own self acceptance journey and I could relate and connect with that easily. When I went to comment I got an error message that the post had been taken down. They didn’t have to delete it, only edit to add the trigger/content warning. So I direct messaged them what I had tried to submit as a comment:

I don’t know that they will read/see my advice. Maybe it came off too harsh. I can be too blunt at times, but I also know that we need that voice in the darkness sometimes. We need someone to call us out on our own bullshit. We can get so confused and caught up in it all that we can absolutely forget to just sit and be with our feelings. It’s a valuable thing to do, don’t discount it. They were much younger than I, but already on the right path towards acceptance. If only they could let go of the voice of the oppressor in their own head. I feel that, deeply.
How hard it is to break up with those old ways and thoughts and truly start anew! To not just understand but to know that your life and your future is in your own hands, to be designed and decided upon as you see fit…right now! Not some far off distant future. You cannot get there though by stepping on others. When you harm others you carry that with you forever, whether you’re aware or not.
So, okay, the “how” part…First, stop lying. Stop lying to yourself that being smaller feels better when you know it doesn’t. Stop trying to be the “good fatty” always trying to fit in when the world won’t make room for you no matter what size you are or aren’t. Stop throwing other fatties (bigger/smaller/in general) under the bus so that you can get brownie points from straight-sized folks! Stop lying in general about anything and everything, to yourself, about yourself, to others and about others. Just stop! This alone will get you on the right path towards authenticity!
Yes, to be authentically oneself is something that is undeniable. To shut out the gross voices in our heads, or in our lives, and to finally walk a path of our own making. You hear that? No? Oh, that’s the sound of my own personal horn section warming up. They get going any time I am about to leave the house. What? The world needs a heads up! I am unstoppable, so long as I stay true to me! The same could be said of you! Give it a spin, couldn’t hurt!
Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Instagram & Facebook!

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (You can listen straight from the web, too!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it!

I also have an Instagram, though I don’t post much, I have been trying to: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

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