I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Guest Post from Adam & Eve


The following post does not reflect my own personal beliefs or opinions and was not written by me, NotBlueAtAll. This post is from the company “Adam & Eve” who did not provide me any compensation or material goods for this post, but felt that my readers may be interested in it’s content:

I am no newbie when it comes to sex toys, but even I was a little confused by what in the world Ben Wa Balls are. To be honest, I thought it was some weird new fetish thing that people were doing with Baoding balls, those Chinese meditation/medicine balls you can get from any pagoda in the mall. A quick online search for them will lead you to a lot of sites saying, “Not to be confused with Ben Wa Balls,” so apparently I’m not the only one that didn’t know the difference.

However, I found that the confusion from a lot of us is pretty justified, because both are used for somewhat relatable purposes. Boading balls can be anywhere between the size of a large marble and a golf ball. Yahoo says that the Baoding balls are typically used for relaxation purposes, but that they’re also used by athletes to increase circulation in the hands, improve concentration, and decrease stress, all of which can actually benefit just about anyone.

While playing with Boading balls could strengthen your hands, Ben Wa Balls, also known as a “vaginal ball” or “internal use ball,” are used to strength vaginal muscles. Adam and Eve stated that “Ben Wa Balls are one of the earliest known sex toys for women” and that they were “[originally] implemented in Asia several hundred years ago.” Similar in the size variations of Boading balls, today’s Ben Wa models can feature anything from textured outsides, flexible shells, and even chimes within them.

So how exactly do these little things go about strengthening such a difficult area to tone? Ben Wa Balls aid in increasing the resistance during Kegel exercises — the contracting and relaxing of the muscles of your pelvic floor. Strengthening the muscles is supposed to make it easier for you to orgasm and make them more intense. The resulting tightened muscles can also feel better for your partner during penetration.

While they’ve been around for longer than any other sex toy, they’re becoming increasingly popular lately among women. It’s possible that this is due to the exposure the toy received after being featured in the successful, steamy franchise Fifty Shades of Grey. Times Higher Education says that while the toy was featured in the BDSM novels, the toy isn’t exclusive to those who are a part of the BDSM community; they can be enjoyed by anyone.

Virtual-Strategy even highlighted their medical purpose outside of sexual pleasure. In a recent article, they stated that using the ball to strengthen the muscles of the vagina can also help women suffering from incontinence and bladder control, common issues for women who have recently had a baby.

Everyone is looking for a multi-use product. They may look simple, but these little balls are great for a wide variety of different uses. As an historic toy with modern innovative purposes, it’s no wonder these little guys are a must have for any adult toy box!

By Amber Rodriguez


Tank Top Tuesday!!!


Today’s TTT post comes from Kathy!

Kathy It took me many years to finally learn to accept myself instead of feeling guilty for inflicting myself upon an unsuspecting public. Then it was more years to learn not to cover myself so I didn’t offend anyone with my fat. I finally hit 50 years old and thought, “I’ve lived half my life dressing to not offend other people. Why?  I deserve to be just as comfortable as everyone else.” So I bought myself some shorts and tank tops and I wear them out in public. In this pic I am sitting in a local Cracker Barrel restaurant. 


I love this and Kathy! Thanks so much for sharing your fabulous self with the rest of us! :)

I am always looking for submissions from anyone who wants to exercise their right to Bare Arms for future Tank Top Tuesday posts! Email your pics,please include the name you’d like in the post, a blog or etsy shop you wanna plug, your thoughts on bare arms or other fatty philosophies. It does not have to be in a tank top, so long as your arms are bare. Have fun with it! And thank you to all who have submitted and continue to do so. These posts make my week! They are so fun and empowering, too! So keep ‘em comin’ and keep baring those arms!

Gotta Say It Was A Good Day


Today I did something I hadn’t ever done before. I woke up feeling pretty good, more energy and spunk than usual. I consider myself a pretty lazy femme as far as femme-y ways go. I’m low maintenance, but especially when it comes to my hair. I literally woke up, fed my puggyman, pooped, splashed water on my face and simply twirled the front section of my hair and clipped that to my head (I’d had it in a bun all night, took it out and shook it). That’s it! Oh…I got dressed!

I don’t know why, but ever since starting this job ‘o mine, I seem to always wear dresses on Thursdays. I really don’t know why this began or why I keep it up, but I just do. I had bought this Torrid dress a few weeks ago when I spent my Haute Cash and hadn’t worn it yet. This morning, wanting to wear something a bit different, I grabbed this baby, popped off the tag and threw it on over my teggings (from ReDress) and hit the road.

The big deal here is that I didn’t wear a sweater or shrug or even a hoodie over it. I did bring a hoodie, just in case. Just in case what? Just in case I a.) suddenly felt uncomfortable or not so brave, b.) someone made me feel it wasn’t professional enough and c.) I got cold. I did get cold for all of an hour, but the rest of the day I was happily and comfortably sleeveless…at work!!! No one said shit about my arms or being sleeveless. A couple of folks liked my dress, but randomly, even more liked my hair today. “This bed head?” I said. Someone even remarked on my hair color and was amazed it was natural (I showed her my white hairs Ha!).

Torrid size 4 Butterfly Dress <3

Torrid size 4 Butterfly Dress <3

I was feeling pretty dang good all day for no particular reason. Just a pep in my step and a tune in my head. The weather was great, 77 degrees! Couldn’t ask for more. Even went in with a couple of coworkers to have our lunches delivered. We got Super Burritos! Then someone gave all of the admins mini bundt cakes and we got to pick our fave flavor…I went for the chocolate…Because! Then someone had a birthday and gave us all cake. Cake day! So I am saving my mini bundt for tomorrow and happily enjoyed the birthday cake in the late afternoon. Nice!

When I got home from work after sitting in so much traffic (Oh Bay Area!) I had to pee right away. Ha-ha! Then I changed my shoes and took my little puggo for a long walk. This time I grabbed my big comfy headphones, plugged ‘em into my phone, and hit the pavement! We had so much fun! We must have walked a mile and a half (that’s like ten miles by pug/hobbit standard Ha!). I promised myself that I would walk him everyday this week since I’d been out of the house so much the last few weeks. It felt so good! Great music and scenery!

When we got back I fed his little mug and went to the kitchen to grab something for myself. I was so excited when at Target on Monday to find a seasonal Angry Orchard cider that I’d tried last year and loved, Elderflower! It’s subtle but lovely. It’s not too sweet, though sweeter than a traditional draft, and the flavor hits your palette in the finish, a light and flowery aftertaste. Delightful! I have been stocking my cupboard with these Go Picnic things, like a grown up Lunchables. I like the variety in flavors and textures. No refrigeration required. And my love of loves…Noosa! I have long said I hate yogurt and especially yogurt commercials. Yuck! But my lovely boyfriend turned me on to Noosa and there’s no going back for me! It’s supposedly “Australian style” but I just think it’s fucking delicious! It’s thick and rich and creamy, much like Greek style. My favorite is the tart cherry but I don’t think they have a bad flavor in the bunch.

Angry Orchard Elderflower, Go Picnic, Noosa yogurt

Angry Orchard Elderflower, Go Picnic, Noosa yogurt

I grabbed a package on our way back in the house and finally opened it before settling in for the night. Citracal?! Ha-ha! I’ve been staying up, not too late, watching my favorite show of all time, Good Times. Well, there was an advertisement for Citracal that made me feel like I needed it. I am sure I’m not getting much calcium in my diet, well not enough anyway. The reviews were incredible, too. The silly shit I buy, I tell ya! At least it wasn’t an infomercial product! Ha-ha!

Citracal? Yeah, late night t.v. makes me do silly things.

Citracal? Yeah, late night t.v. makes me do silly things.

I have been truly enjoying a nice walk down memory lane watching Good Times. I remember watching reruns as a little kid. Damn it’s a great show! They tackled subjects never even mentioned on t.v. before, in the early 70′s! And I have come to realize that it is because of that show, and specifically “Flo” and “Wilona” that have set the standard for my idea of friendship. They were always there for each other, even when they fought or weren’t speaking.

My good mood is still holding strong. Tomorrow I have first aid training at Red Cross. Don’t even have to go into work! Woot! I even get off early. Finally a Friday I can truly enjoy! Ha-ha! Here’s to music and friends and great weather and just feeling good after so long of feeling awful and tired. Look out weekend ’cause, here I come!

Look at that mug!!!

Look at that mug!!!

Take care of you!

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Big Moves “The Next Big Thing”




What a weekend?!?! Only now, after so much work and so many emotions and finally some rest, can I look back at all of this and say that I am so grateful for all of it. I’m sure I freaked out similarly last year, but I have situational amnesia. Ha-ha! Somehow this year just felt very different. Tigress and I have been through so much. We have leaned on one another and have stood back and looked at the world we live in and just shook our damned heads.

I watched as she went through some very public drama and I’m still in awe of how she handled it all. I don’t believe that I would have been strong enough to be so graceful under fire, but she’d say she couldn’t have done it without her community, family and friends. I don’t want you to think that I don’t have that myself, but this year more than ever I have felt completely on my own. I didn’t feel supported, except by her and my fella and my bff Vee. It was a difficult and trying experience, but I wouldn’t un-do what’s done, either.

Unless you’ve been in a show of some nature, you just don’t know how much work, effort, energy, time and money goes into putting on a show. And all I had to worry about was our little four minute performance. Tigress was in another number with her FFE models (it was fucking awesome) on top of ours. Not only that, but she made all of the lovely and colorful adornments for her girls to wear. I am still in awe of how it all came together for show time.

Tigress and I rehearsed in my living room, with the couches pushed into corners and rugs rolled up to reveal the hardwood floor, for two months. We laughed and cried and watched tons of 80′s & 90′s videos for inspiration and mood lifting. I would panic about not having our choreography down and she would insist, “We’re going to be fabulous!” Why can’t I ever trust in the process? My body rebelled as my mind spiraled into dark places. Towards the end my work situation grew ever more stressful. I felt broken inside and out.

Then, with a week left before the show opened, I couldn’t believe it was happening. It felt like it was happening without me somehow. Difficult to explain how that felt, like I was watching it from the outside or something. Ice packs were always on my bed and I had more headaches in the last two weeks than I have in the last two years! Through it all, Tigress kept it and me together. My boyfriend was so supportive and encouraging. A couple of my coworkers became my own personal cheerleaders and next thing you know, we were there on the stage!

Once again I found myself in that cramped dressing room with ten other women.  I withdrew and became very quiet. I wasn’t just nervous, I was afraid. I felt that old familiar tap on my shoulder, depression, beckoning. I didn’t have the strength to fight it on my own. I didn’t even have time to seek out a substance to help. I just sort of muddled through. Opening night, during our performance, I went the wrong way on-stage, twice! The moment we left the stage I said to Tigress, “I’m so sorry!” I felt like the biggest failure. “No one knows!” she insisted, but memories of last year’s No Lose performance and bullying all came rushing back to me. I had an emotional meltdown in the dressing room.

The only thing that kept me from a full-on panic attack was Tigress and the models of FFE. They were so kind and comforting. They helped me breathe and put fans on me when my throat closed up and the tears poured down my face like a waterfall. I was so near the brink it’s nowhere near funny. I beat myself up pretty damned bad that night. After the show when we all went out to the lobby, I was hoping to see those familiar faces that had supported me before. Instead my two personal cheerleaders from work were there, all smiles and hugs, to greet me.

This may sound selfish and rude and whatever, but the truth is (and I do my best to never lie) I was hoping and wishing that some of my friends might show up to support me. I thought maybe just maybe I wasn’t on my own. When my two coworkers left I felt so alone, more so than ever before. I immediately went backstage, grabbed my things and drove home sobbing the entire way. I was hurt and angry with myself. How dare I wish or hope or want people to be there for me, to show up to my show, to see me and all of the work I put into it. Why? What the fuck for? I was brutal to myself. I left a Vox message for Vee (we always vent to each other) and she was so kind to me I was humbled.

By the time I got home I was deflated and in so much pain, I grabbed my ice packs and went straight to bed. I’d only eaten one meal that day, at noon, I didn’t get home until 11:30 pm. I secretly found yet another way to punish myself. I felt so low I was nearly numb. When I woke up the next day I felt more pressure than ever! I nearly text my guy to insist he not come, but I knew he would anyway. My best friend text to encourage me even though she was stuck out of town with a canceled flight. Another friend who was sick wished me well and said they wished they could be there.

My head was a mess. My body ached and everything hurt. On top of it all my eyelids were red and swollen. I’ve been struggling with them for weeks and putting make up on them for the show the night before made it all so much worse. I took a hot shower, followed by an ice pack for thirty minutes, hoping they would improve, I wasn’t so lucky. I tried to apply my eyeliner and shadow and mascara, but I looked like I was beaten up by an alligator (the texture of my lids by that point). I got dressed and headed to the show.

I went through our choreography a thousand times in my head. When I got to the dressing room I merely sat down and shut up. People were concerned, but I insisted I was just tired. Some of the gals had gone out partying the previous night and many assumed I had as well. Nope, just me and those ice packs, with my puggyman asleep between my feet. I started to hate myself and question what it was all for. Why put so much into something no one gives a flying fuck about (or so I felt in that moment). Then Tigress said, “He’s here!” and I said, “What? Who?” and she said, “Your man!” and smiled. That’s when I became nervous. This was real and it was happening whether I hated myself or not.

I remained silent and focused and ran through our moves in my head, over and over, it had to go better today! As our music began I just let go of everything. I took a deep breath and stepped out on the stage. Without my glasses I couldn’t see Tigress on the other side but took for granted that she was there until she came into view. Then it all came together and it was fantastic! I was reminded of how good we were together and why we do this to begin with.

Backstage I ran into a girl who was in the FFE number last year. I remembered how nervous she was in the dressing room before the show. She wasn’t confident and felt that she didn’t fit in. This year she was part of EmFATic Dance and danced in four or five numbers! It was inspiring to see how she grew and changed and pushed herself so hard to be there. When I saw her after the show I thanked her and hugged her and tried not to cry. When we had the last curtain call and she came out I screamed my head off cheering for her. She learned all of those numbers and shared her struggle on her facebook page, all the while she’s a mom and a teacher! And here I was having a pity party the night before for fucking up a couple of moves. D’oh!

After the show when I climbed those stairs again up to the lobby there was only one face waiting for me, but it might as well have been a thousand. My guy was there beaming and so proud of me. He said I was fantastic and gave me the biggest hug! And then he gave Tigress a hug and she took our picture. It was the perfect ending to a difficult weekend and week. I found myself starting to question it all again and snapped myself out of it.

It is for my fat community that I do it. It is for myself that I push myself out of my comfort zone, even when it scares the hell out of me. It’s not an easy feat for a 325 pound, 36 year old woman to get out there and do what I do. I forgot to be kind to myself through this process. This was the biggest difference between this year and last. Last year I’d just been laid off! I had time to heal and process. This year I was stressed to the max from everything.

If I can reach one person by doing these things that scare me and push me to my limits, then I call that a success! In the end I am alone and no one can be there for me in those wee hours of the night when I am left to my own thoughts and emotions. I am choosing to see this realization as a good thing. I’m far from full of myself, but I am one of the most loyal people I know (even when it’s not right for me to be).  I know some of my friends wanted to be there for me but couldn’t. To those who came to this show, for me or not, I am grateful for the support of something that means so much to me. Big Moves and their annual show have been such a light in my life and I wouldn’t trade that for anything.

I encourage you all to step outside of your comfort zone and see what you can learn and do. You will be endlessly amazed…I promise! ;)


P.S. The photo above is amazing! It is of Tigress and I mid-kick. I don’t know how they got this shot but it’s great! I had no idea how lined up we looked from the audience! :D

When the going gets tough…


The tough get going, or so they say.

This past weekend was a lot of going. Saturday, I woke up with very red and swollen eyelids. No other symptoms, just looked like I got socked in each eye for no reason. I put an ice pack on them and got ready for my fancy tea date with my bff “Q”. She has wanted to take me to Love Joy’s in San Francisco for ages and promised to as my x-mas present, we’d gone to Lisa’s Tea Treasures in both their Campbell & Santa Row locations and always enjoyed ourselves. Love Joy’s, if the hype was to be believed, would be so much better. I can’t say that I was disappointed, per se, but I think perhaps my expectations were elevated from said hype and I wasn’t expecting such a small and noisy space. In any case, we had a blast! We dressed up, her in all white mod fabulousness and me in my retro-chic, Eshakti-loveliness. We gabbed and laughed and enjoyed our tea and sandwiches and scones. Then we ordered more sandwiches and scones…BECAUSE!!!

IMG_20140531_170842 IMG_20140531_112929

There was an antique store across the street related to Love Joy’s that we had to check out. I was so glad that we did! I got this gorgeous black vintage hat to add to my collection. *Squee* “Q” got all kinds of neat-o things. We love little boutiques and antique shops so this was right up our mutual alley. With bellies full of too much tea (for real) we headed back down to the south bay for a trip to Daiso! We’d been talking about staring a YouTube channel “Daiso Life” for awhile and decided we should go to the one in San Jose neither of us have before. It went so well that we ended up going to Jo Anne’s Fabrics to choose the backdrop for our show and then to yet another Daiso. I should also point out that we’ve been friends for over 23 years.

With our loot loaded up in the car and my evening plans canceled we decided dinner was appropriate and had a lovely meal at the Elephant Bar nearby. YUM!!! I friggin’ love their food, even though I always get the same thing. I just know what I like! We were so exhausted after our full day of fun that she simply dropped me off at my place afterwards. I was grateful for the alone time to relax with my puggo.

The night before I’d had dance rehearsal with Tigress, we’re nearing the night of our big moves show and I’m turning into a basket case about it! They keep telling me I was just like this last year and it turned out alright, but somehow that’s not helping. I mean, I don’t consider myself anything close to being a perfectionist. But it has been giving me some heavy anxiety this past week. My job’s been keeping me nicely stressed and busy, too. After dance rehearsal my roommates dog was acting strangely and we all got very worried about him very fast. My roommate ended up staying home and staying up with him all night. The next morning she took him into the emergency vet and they discovered he had congestive heart failure. They insisted this could be managed with medication and care, keeping him calm would be important from there on out. She’d asked me to check on him when she was at work on Sunday.

My fella had been sick all week so I didn’t get to see him until Sunday. When he picked me up that morning I explained Toby’s condition (my roommate’s dog) and how we couldn’t play tug and fetch with him anymore. My roommate had text me just before he arrived that she took Toby back to the ER. As we pulled into the parking lot of Peet’s Coffee she text me that she had to put Toby down. I was in shock! I’d just seen him two hours ago! I couldn’t believe it. We were very quiet for awhile after that, but we both started to worry about my roommate. He thought of getting a picture of Toby framed to give to her and I just happened to have a recent one of him that looks like he’s smiling (he’s a Jack Russell Terrier). Then we got her favorite flowers and brought this all home to check on and give to her.


Needless to say that she is beside herself with grief. This all happened so fast and seemingly out of nowhere. Our landlord dropped off some gorgeous variegated roses for her. I gave her chocolate (a Toblerone, I used to call Toby that sometimes). Later I gave her wine and just let her cry and hugged her as much as she wanted. I knew there was nothing any of us could say or do to take that hurt away. My puggyman didn’t seem to know what was going on, he kept looking for Toby on and around the couch. Our house feels so differently now. I had no idea such a small creature could fill a house with warmth like that, so much so that it feels so empty now.

Monday when I woke up my eyes were worse than ever! They were so swollen that I could barely open them. I called in sick to work and put an ice pack on my eyes, then a hot compress and so on. In the end it was Benadryl that did the trick, but also knocked me out! I ended up sleeping a lot, but I think I just needed to. Marius is still looking for Toby every time he goes into the living room. He’s been giving my roommate snuggles whenever he sees her. I’m sure he knows something is up, but not what to do about it. Monday night he barked nearly ever ten minutes all night long! I barely slept and even still today I’m exhausted.

Last night I had another dance rehearsal with Tigress and we finally have our choreography down after a few tweaks here and there. We decided on costumes and scheduled our last rehearsal for Monday. I can’t believe it! It’s so soon! I did something to my left foot and have been limping all day at work. Ugh! I felt fine when I went to bed last night, so I don’t know what the hell happened. This morning when I was leaving for work, Marius tried to come with me. He’s never done that before. :( I was supposed to see “Q” and her new animal companion (a gorgeous white cat) Luna Pearl tonight, but decided I needed to rest and try to not stress about everything instead tonight. There’s so much stuff I’ve been putting off doing, mostly cleaning my room and car out. I just don’t have the time or the energy lately.

It feels like everyone is going through some heavy stuff right now. I wish I had some incredibly positive and inspiring thing to say right now, but I don’t. I guess, I mean, just be kind. Take care of yourself and be patient when possible. I feel like we’re all just whizzing by each other in the world without seeing each other, without noticing or realizing the impact we have on one another. Be kind. Love. Find reasons to laugh. Hug someone. Pet an animal. Talk to nature. Do something silly.



For info on the Big Moves Dance Show, go here: events/the-next-big-thing/
here are two performances, one on Saturday June 14th at 8pm and Sunday June 15th at 2pm, in Oakland at Laney College. :)

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