NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

My Internal Battle Rages On

May28

I spent this past 3-day weekend deep in my feels, really digging and searching for something specific and figure it the heck out. It was an emotional rollercoaster in the realest sense, but I think in the end it was actually really good. I’ll start from the beginning, yeah? Ha-ha!
Saturday I got up and got ready for a coffee date that I was particularly excited about, but always with a grain of salt. I had dealt with a few flakes and once again took some time away from dating. It’s silly, but it’s just how I am, expand and retract. I get mad at myself for closing myself off to the world, and so I force myself out of my comfort zone in the hopes of proving myself wrong. I’m weird. I dig it. I was a lil’ nervous, which is rare for me. I’m at the point where it all feels pre-scripted and thus boring, though I always try to put my best foot forward.
Something about this person, this date if you will, got me hyped up! Which is rad! I even worried over what to wear but in the end I went with what I really wanted to wear, that matched how awesome I was feeling, over what I thought others would think is best. Note to self: always do this! I even shaved my legs which isn’t so weird for me these days, but before a first date was kind of odd. I guess I wanted to feel as good and look as truly myself as possible and I think I accomplished just that. Woo!
We connected on Bumble and had chatted online for two weeks or so. Conversation was light but it was obvious to us both that we should meet. I got to the coffee shop first though we were both running late. Some find this to be the worst offense, but we communicated and I appreciate a flawed human. So I ordered my espresso and bought a couple of nibbles that I ended up not touching until that evening. When they walked in I knew I was toast! I mean, they were like my ultimate 90’s, Joy Division fantasy come to life! Whew!
They wore a Neagan t-shirt (from The Walking Dead) with a black leather jacket and black jeans. Be still my heart! So they get their coffee order in and the conversation just FLOWED! It was so natural and we have so much in common it was surreal. When my parking meter ran out we walked to my car and then just decided to cruise. Neither wanting the convo to end, let alone the date itself or the good vibes we had between us. Then I asked if they’d been to Central Park (in San Mateo, not NYC obvs.) and since they hadn’t I insisted we meander about. We walked through the Japanese tea garden where I got married long ago. The place was alive with families and kids and pets, but we barely took notice.
When my parking meter ran out once again we cruised around some more and whilst sharing dating stories they immediately proposed our second date (this Saturday). On a whim I asked how they felt about cemeteries and when they had no feeling we went to my old haunt. Where I grew up there’s this old Union cemetery that I used to sneak out to make out with boys there in high school. I don’t know why it came to mind, but of course my head was already up in the clouds anyway. We pulled in and somehow Keanu Reeves came up in conversation and we shared a mutual admiration for that fine person.
We wandered through graves half gone from age, others appeared updated or renovated, and some from my memories were completely gone. We sat on a bench under a craggy looking oak tree and realized aloud how much we liked one another. I turned all the shades of red and couldn’t look at them for a bit, I’m not used to such open and honest communicate but appreciate it so much! Then we both admitted to having a time limit for dates, theirs (for first dates) is 2 hours, mine is 3. When I checked my watch it had been 4.5 hours! We decided to leave with our second date already planned.
I drove them home and when they went to get out I got out of my car to give them a hug goodbye. I was suddenly overcome with nerves and excitement! I hugged them and they pulled me close for a moment and it was like Junior High, the feel of that leather jacket in the sun pressed against me. *Sigh* And then they said, “May I kiss you?” and I replied, “Ohmigawd! Yes, please!” and I think that kiss made me fucking ovulate early! Ha-ha! WOW! It was electric and tender and perfect. I blushed hard and thanked them twice and we went our separate ways.
When I got home I gave them my phone number, another personal rule broken. (I wait until the second date for that as they are so rare it’s nearly pointless.) They asked if I was home safe, immediately. I sent them a pic of a tree in my neighborhood whose branches I adore. They asked if it was from our graveyard walk, but I clarified. We text well into the night, I was too excited to even try to sleep. We shared so much of ourselves and everything seemed to fit so well. And then a preference of theirs was shared as a deal breaker and for me it actually is a deal breaker. We explained our sides, but I’m not sure they understand the whole of mine and I’m doubtful they fully understand their own as they couldn’t truly explain it without seeing how ridiculous it all sounded.
I won’t go further into detail, but it was like reaching the highest altitude of joy only to descend very suddenly back to the earth. This was close to 2 am. We agreed to continue seeing each other and to see how things play out for us. I knew they were married already, but they are in an open relationship where both date other folks, so I didn’t give it much thought. I was distraught and at first devastated about their particular preference. It’s nothing seedy or gross, it’s just something I am not able to do.
The salad greens I was using the night before made me very sick the next day on top of my conflicting emotions. I had so much I wanted to get done and sort of tried to but ended up on my couch wrapped up in a blanket finishing up Better Call Saul on Netflix. Ugh! We text off and on, but while they still seemed very much interested, it was becoming apparent that my eagerness to see them again was not exactly matched, though it rarely is.
The next day I truly wrecked myself. I dove headfirst into my feels, plunged into my murkiest depths and forced myself to deal with some old shit that this person had stirred up. Honest to Zod I cried and swooned and wrote until the demons calmed the fuck down. I watched a bunch of great movies and shows that made me do more of the same. I watched Fleabag on Prime (OMZ!), Someone Great, About Time, and Pretty in Pink on Netflix. UGH! The feeeeeeels!!!! I wrote some more and then I was just fucking done!
When I read over the days writings I was surprised but felt good about what was there. I feel protective of those pieces today, keeping them close at hand, not even sure why. Likely because I’m feeling so tender hearted after all of that up and down this weekend. I feel more myself today now that I’m back in the office. I look fly as fuck, but that isn’t even the point. I think in the end I’m mad that I like this person so much. It’s so much easier to just worry about myself and the puggo and go about my life cheerfully. Now I’m stuck in this emo shit that I so do not want to deal with. Ha-ha!
So, I will keep at it, with this person, but more so with others. Why hang my hat on the first hook that seems good? They see others, why shouldn’t I? More to the point, I want someone just for me, if I’m going to bother with all these fucking feelings. It made me realize that I’ve never had a truly normal relationship. I’m okay with seeing where this odd one goes, but dammit if I’m gonna wreck myself over some dumbass human, it better be the real deal, honest and truly for me. I’m not opposed to non-monogamy, though I’ve zero experience with it myself, but I want to share all of me and have someone share all of themselves, too.
Maybe this one came into my life to show me I’m not truly dead inside and that there are folks I can trust to see me for me in the world. I want to believe this. I hate how difficult it is, or how it feels right now. They didn’t seem to want to see me sooner, despite the fact that neither of us had plans and just hung out at home separately the last two days. Ugh! Whatever! I’m fighting this out with myself and I guess only I can win AND lose! Hahahahahaha!
Oh well, oh well, oh well.
Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Instagram & Facebook!

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (You can listen straight from the web, too!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it!

I also have an Instagram, though I don’t post much, I have been trying to: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

Fitting in Amongst the Misfits

April16
I’m in a lot of fat groups on facebook. It’s one of the main reasons why I haven’t left FB all together. The groups I participate in run the gamut of fashion, fatness, activism, feminism, queerness, sex, love, science, art…you name it! Each group has their own set of rules, most of which boils down to: don’t be an oppressive jerk. Even groups that are not fat specific will have rules against body comments or shaming of any kind.
I’ve been writing about my own fat life for over ten years here on this blog-a-ma-thing. Before I took the plunge of starting my own blog, I read so many others! I loved them, too, though most are now defunct. It all felt so exciting and new and thrilling when I first happened upon fat acceptance back in ’05. I wanted to shout from the rooftops and tell every person I encountered that they don’t have to live with that oppressive way of thinking any more! Ha-ha!
I made my own mistakes, too. My passion would overwhelm my reason and I would say something or frame it in such a way that would rub others, more in the know than myself, wrong. Especially on any of the LiveJournal blogs and groups I was in at the time, they also had their own sets of rules and what was not okay to say in a post, and for good reason. We get this oppressive messaging literally everywhere else in the world, we didn’t need it in our “safe space” as well!
Over time these things become reflexive and we can forget our own first few stumbles along the way. I was reminded of this today in a group I enjoy because someone posted for the first time and instantly broke the rules of that group. The thing is, the group is for misfits. This isn’t a group for your plus size instagram models. This is for the offbeat, the dark, the weird, and those who don’t fit in elsewhere. So, I understand their initial confusion when others instructed them to read the rules before posting in the group or at the very least add a trigger or content warning. Instead they did what so many newbies do, they protest and rebel. They also didn’t know there were any rules to speak of.
When I commented that their mention of “progress” of recent intentional weight loss was something that would be rewarded literally everywhere else and that fat people live with that oppression constantly, others chimed in with their knee-jerk congratulations. UGH! I understand wanting to be compassionate, but there was some harmful and triggering language and many commented saying so as well. But I noticed that while they were seeking reinforcement, that they also admitted, at length, how they were full of self hate on the inside.
When I read further down the thread of comments and the poster’s responses it became apparent to me that they were lost and simply seeking connection and advice. That is when I got it and understood exactly where they were at in their own self acceptance journey and I could relate and connect with that easily. When I went to comment I got an error message that the post had been taken down. They didn’t have to delete it, only edit to add the trigger/content warning. So I direct messaged them what I had tried to submit as a comment:

I don’t know that they will read/see my advice. Maybe it came off too harsh. I can be too blunt at times, but I also know that we need that voice in the darkness sometimes. We need someone to call us out on our own bullshit. We can get so confused and caught up in it all that we can absolutely forget to just sit and be with our feelings. It’s a valuable thing to do, don’t discount it. They were much younger than I, but already on the right path towards acceptance. If only they could let go of the voice of the oppressor in their own head. I feel that, deeply.
How hard it is to break up with those old ways and thoughts and truly start anew! To not just understand but to know that your life and your future is in your own hands, to be designed and decided upon as you see fit…right now! Not some far off distant future. You cannot get there though by stepping on others. When you harm others you carry that with you forever, whether you’re aware or not.
So, okay, the “how” part…First, stop lying. Stop lying to yourself that being smaller feels better when you know it doesn’t. Stop trying to be the “good fatty” always trying to fit in when the world won’t make room for you no matter what size you are or aren’t. Stop throwing other fatties (bigger/smaller/in general) under the bus so that you can get brownie points from straight-sized folks! Stop lying in general about anything and everything, to yourself, about yourself, to others and about others. Just stop! This alone will get you on the right path towards authenticity!
Yes, to be authentically oneself is something that is undeniable. To shut out the gross voices in our heads, or in our lives, and to finally walk a path of our own making. You hear that? No? Oh, that’s the sound of my own personal horn section warming up. They get going any time I am about to leave the house. What? The world needs a heads up! I am unstoppable, so long as I stay true to me! The same could be said of you! Give it a spin, couldn’t hurt!
Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Instagram & Facebook!

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (You can listen straight from the web, too!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it!

I also have an Instagram, though I don’t post much, I have been trying to: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

You Can Surprise Even Yourself

April15
I’m a lifelong sufferer of insomnia. I have struggled with sleeplessness since I was twelve years old and I was just starting junior high, and also getting bullied. Even before the PTSD-C that my abuser gifted me not long after (at age fourteen), anxiety must’ve started with me even earlier, likely around five. In any case, it’s usually falling asleep that is the hurdle to get across for me. Of course I’ve tried all the remedies, homemade or over the counter, I’ve mostly shied away from prescriptions, but that’s more due to access than other things. Over the years I have found what works best for me and when to use or not use certain methods.
I have never been what one might call a “morning person”. *Shivers* No one has ever called or mistaken me for one either, I can assure you. Yes, I’ve had a few jobs that required that I begin my shift at an ungodly hour: 6 am. It is one thing to have to wake up at this time, but it is another entirely to have to be up and awake and alive and ready to work and interact with other humans. Perish the thought! But I’ve done it, many times, for many years even. First at a wedding website, then for a quality control company for insurance agencies, and finally at my own cafe. I always managed, in my own odd ways.
When I have had jobs that allowed me to have a weekend off, I always want to sleep in! There is nothing more delightful than relishing in the comfort of one’s own bed. Ahh! Yet I have not once had a bed partner who would agree, hardly fair, I think. Can my next bed partner be all about hanging out in bed?! Ha-ha! Even my puggo likes to get up and have breakfast before the sun comes out before going back to bed again.
I’ve lived on my own a good long while now and for sure every weekend I do sleep in. I may get up a couple of times, but I’ll go back each time to fully commit to that good weekend morning sleep! An ex-boyfriend didn’t understand it, my ex-husband felt much the same way, but it is a type of rest that only comes when there’s no anticipation of an alarm clock or obligation.
To my own utter amazement I did not sleep in this weekend, at all! It wasn’t planned and I had no intention of getting up and starting the day so early, but on both days of this past weekend I was up and dressed and doing things before 8 am! I do tend to go to bed early on Friday evenings, but that’s never caused me to wake up early before! Ha-ha! Perhaps I’m at a point where my sleep cycle is no longer running on a continuous deficit? I can’t be sure.
On Saturday I don’t think it even registered how early I was up or maybe I just didn’t want to acknowledge it. It wasn’t until Sunday, as I was at the checkout line at Trader Joe’s, the last stop of my errands, when I looked at my phone with astonishment: 9:28 am. I had already made three previous stops. I couldn’t believe my own eyes and just sort of stood there dumbfounded for a moment, but then it was my turn to check out so I snapped out of it. Ha-ha! It was a strange feeling, though, to feel good and be doing things and yet have it all feel as though it’s not you doing it?! Hard to explain.
I think I’m in a phase of some sort, of possibly shedding some old ways. Can only be good, I’m certain. On Saturday I had made sure to take care of some things that would allow me to feel less stress and to set myself up for a better week ahead, too. I didn’t get around to washing my bedding, but I may just do that tonight. The best part is that it doesn’t matter at all, not one bit! There is no one it affects but myself and I don’t have any sort of need or care about such things, only a fleeting fancy here and there.
Oh I did get a lovely pot of chrysanthemums (white with yellow centers) and a small mint plant that I promptly added to my lil’ garden/planter box. I forgot to snap a photo, but it’s not much to look at just yet. It did make me happy though, to be in the morning sunshine for a few minutes, massage living things into the dirt. And I had started to write again, more poetry/rant-y type stuff, in a notebook that day and kind of kept it going through Sunday.
I feel good. About all this, about my life right now. I have worries, but I think things will work out just fine. They always do somehow. I feel that I have let some internal notions go and this has given me new strength or motivation. I don’t always want to hide from the sun, the world. I do enjoy the more gentle rays of late morning or early evening. If that ain’t a metaphor for my life I am not sure what is?! Ha! I just know that, as troubling as things have been, better, so much better, is on the horizon…for all of us.
Let us each dig deep into the earth, into ourselves, and free up what has been tethering or weighing us down. We can choose to let go and lift ourselves up, even and especially if it feels funny in the moment. I can’t truly explain the serenity I felt this past weekend, but it’s wholly my own and that is fucking priceless!
We do not have to carry habits that no longer serve us. We do not have to follow suit, simply because “that’s how it’s always been”. We can choose to step away and observe and decide for ourselves what is right, what feels best for ourselves now. Do not give thought or concern to what was. As the dead leaves have nourished the soil beneath the trees from whence they came, so too can you feed your roots and give yourself and your life a new chance to bloom into the life and garden of your own creation.
Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Instagram & Facebook!

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (You can listen straight from the web, too!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it!

I also have an Instagram, though I don’t post much, I have been trying to: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

A Night Out for SmoJoe’s!

April13

If you were to ask me at random if I like musicals I will tell you that I do not. I may add a caveat of, “except for Hello Dolly and JC Superstar” but even that is rare. In fact I actually cannot stand at all the way modern broadway vocals sound, it’s all very nasally and obnoxious to me. We all have our preferences, though, so it’s whatever, ya know? I have been incredibly fortunate to have a BFF who is also a skilled and talented (yes, both!) actor, dancer, singer, choreographer, writer, and director. They’re kind of a big deal! Over the last twenty years I have seen most of the shows they have been in or directed. I say most because they were in a million shows in 2017 and I know I missed at least two! Ha-ha!

The very first show I saw Jery perform in was Seven Brides for Seven Brothers and it made me see them in a new light. Now I’ve seen a ton of their shows over the years, but the stand out favorites have been JC Superstar, their Judas was unparalleled and just blew me away, West Side Story, the production wasn’t great but their Chino brought tears to everyone’s eyes I swear, White Christmas, ohmigosh I don’t even like Christmas but I cried my dumb face off at the end of that one they were so damned amazing in it, and then my memory gets hazy. I recall some plays they were in that were incredible to watch, titles escape me but one was for MACLA a local org and another at the San Jose Mexican Heritage Plaza Theater, both were sublime. I can honestly say that their theater resume is varied and rich with content!

It has been an honor and a privilege to see someone I know and love and drink with often evolve and grow and flourish in their abilities. Even when the show wasn’t great, their performance proved a shining beacon no one could deny. Catch me if you can was a delightful romp and a bit different than what I had seen them in previously. Several years ago I recall seeing them perform in a revue-like show called Smokey Joe’s Cafe and I had no idea how much I would love it. That production had built a story line into it, but I honestly didn’t notice! Ha-ha! I was so dazzled by well dressed men singling splendidly and dancing around on stage. And I knew all the songs! That had never happened before. I truly loved it. When they told me last year that they would be directing and choreographing Smokey Joe’s Cafe this year I was stoked!

When my BFF from Ohio came to visit we had no idea we’d get the exceptional opportunity to see Jery’s production of SmoJoe’s, as it is oft referred, the night before it opened! Wow! What a treat! Y’all! We were fucking blown away! The caliber of talent in the cast was beyond compare. Not just in vocals, but the dancing! SO MUCH DANCING! I was blissed the fuck out, lemme tell ya! Ha-ha! I just love seeing people dance and that choreography was so fun! I noticed some lil’ easter eggs, if you will, he’d thrown in there. Maybe not just for me, but a few of ’em felt like it. Ha! (J you know which move I’m referring to! Ha!) After seeing so many shows and even this same show before you’d think I’d be tough to impress at this point, and I might agree with you. However, Jery is a seasoned professional with great vision and a rich pool of talent from which to build his show!

Of course I would have preferred to see them in the show singing and dancing too, but seeing the end result was nothing short of awesome. I must admit it was a bit of a treat, though kinda wrong, to see them anxious and sweating bullets before opening night. I just so rarely see that side of them and always feel like a complete mess myself. Ha-ha! That’s what friends are for, right?! Everything went off without a hitch and anyone who saw the show gushed about its greatness, I can assure you! I was lucky enough to see it twice! I love a good opening gala!

They will likely hate me for posting this picture but I fucking love the hell out of it and I hope they get that part before the self deprecating thoughts/comments begin.

I kind of love “bad” pics of myself at this point…but I really love this outfit! 

One of the shining stars of the show, Tony Gonzales, and their ever-espressive face! Ohmigosh! When the group sang “Ying Yang” Tony’s face was the whole show! Ha-ha!

These are Tony’s precious puppers dressed for the opening gala reception and to theme in their poodle skirts! Too cute!

After the show was the gala reception with champagne and h’ordeuvres and all the chatting and laughter you can imagine. It’s always a great time, but for me especially because it means I’m hanging and chatting and drinkin’ champers with my two BFFs! J’s spouse P never misses a show…or the rum balls! Ha-ha! With all of the hustle and bustle in the lobby slowly dying down, some of the cast and it’s illusive director popped back onto the stage for a quick celebratory Sake Bomb, only with cider instead of beer. J had asked if I could take a quick video of it for them and I said, “Of course…if you’ll snap some pics of me at this bar right now!” and so…

That’s me on stage, hanging out at Smokey Joe’s Cafe! During the show the shelves were all lit up beautifully!

I highly recommend supporting your local theater. You may even be surprised to find that you like musicals after all, as I did. Ha-ha!

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Instagram & Facebook!

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (You can listen straight from the web, too!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it!

I also have an Instagram, though I don’t post much, I have been trying to: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

Walkin’ in the Sunshine…Whooooah!

April12

One of the things that I have struggled with in the past has been taking regular walks with my puggo. In his youth, he’s now 9, he would get 4-7 walks a day and went to work with my ex-husband everyday. In my last two dwellings there was a big yard and another dog for him to run around and play with. In my new place, while I do have a tiny yard, I knew this would be a big hurdle for me to get over. He does just fine on his own during the day, sleeping being his main hobby, but I worried about the walks. I am happy to report that this has been mostly a non-issue for me. I love my apartment and my neighborhood is pretty chill. There are a lot of dogs, but most (or their owners) are not friendly so we keep to ourselves.

My neighborhood is mostly medical offices/buildings, which sounds boring, but we enjoy the landscaping they each have. Now that the weather has been warming up and the sun coming out more often, it seems everything is in bloom! Don’t worry, I started on my Flonase Sensimist in early February! Ha-ha! It’s gorgeous though! One problem, I’m allergic to sunscreen and burn in mere minutes. What’s a Morticia-life gal like me to do? Well, timing is everything, but I have a UV Parasol just in case, too. I prefer to take our main walk around 6pm and this has proven to be juuuuust right!

I talk a lot about my amazing group of friends and it’s no lie. They lift me up, they keep me grounded, they show me the light of my own shine sometimes when the grossness of the world dulls my ever perspective. They also give me one helluva hard time when it’s been “too long” since I’ve posted selfies or outfit photos. Ha-ha! I appreciate their love so much, y’all, I have no words to even describe it! The photos thing? Well, I’ve been workin’ on it. I no longer have my very own in-house cheerleader and personal photographer (Ash-Cat! *Hugs*) but I do have great lighting in my bathroom and the best camera on my phone ever (Pixel 3 for the win!).

Having the walk to give my brain a break after work but before I settle in for the night has been wonderful. And the changing season’s light has been very nice for my selfies. I do try to get good pics of my sweet lil’ pugtato, but he’s just not a fan of the cam, nothing I can do about that. Ha-ha! So here I present to you some pics from walks and selfies in my bathroom, because because because. Ha!

3-10-19 This was a post-Drunch selfie after I had finally found my beloved Madonna shirt I thought I had lost a few years ago. I was sober when I got home but then hit up that lovely Trader Joe’s prosecco I love so much to keep the party going! Ha-ha! (My BFF Michaela got a hilarious video that day of me dancing/lip synching “Little Red Corvette” as a result!)

3-17-19 St. Patrick’s Day I had a brunch date with a new person. It went well. We had lovely BBQ food.

This green dress is my newest from Eshakti and I love it so! I get custom sizing because you can also style it yourself. I added the puffed sleeves. 

Wish I’d gotten a full-length shot of this dress, it’s from H&M and the only thing that fit out of an order of 6 items. I get compliments on it a lot. I enjoy it’s floral pattern with fall colors (my jam!) and the midi length with not too high slits on the sides. It creates a neat-o swish when I walk.

Dorking it up, but what else is new?!

I wear these Doc Marten’s nearly every day at this point. They go with everything, are comfortable af, and are just my signature style thing!

Majestic pugtato, doing his darnedest to not look at the camera, ever! He was nice enough to climb up on this rock for after all. “Isn’t that enough, Mama?” *PuggySigh*

I have a thing for trees. In all seasons, really. 

I wish I’d gotten better shots because the colors are just glorious, but he wasn’t having any part of it. Just kept sniffin’!

This was my bombshell dress from Eshakti last year. I still love and wear it so much. It classes up any occasion and fuck yeah I’ll wear it with Doc Marten’s!

I so rarely think to take a side shot! I’m glad that I did. Double bellies to the front! 

The sun actually felt good to me that day. I can’t explain it, but I’m sure it is a normal feeling for most folks. I just rarely get the chance to actually enjoy it.

This is my favorite! Actual proof that I don’t burst into flames when in direct sunlight! Oh yeah! (Duffman voice! Ha-ha!)

Had to go to the dentist two weeks ago, this painting was in their restroom, when a fruit gusher (my first one ever) took out a crown. That one tooth will end up costing me $4600 out of pocket and that’s after my insurance pays their part. UGH!

This magnolia not two weeks ago was mostly bare branches with those big white and magenta blossoms falling from it everywhere. Now it is so lush with fresh leaves I couldn’t look away!

I never wear this top. It’s from Avenue, 3+ years ago. I always get compliments, but it’s not a favorite. The necklace, however, is a prized possession. It’s a sterling silver peace sign my father had designed/made for me when I was 12 years old. I’ll always be a hippie at heart…even if my heart is black now. 

I just love the fuck out of this meme. It’s 100% true, for me, too! I’ve had another date since that St. Pat’s one, and it also went well…and we’re meeting up for drinks tonight!!! In all honesty, though, cis-het-men are just phoning it in on the daily and I don’t have time for that bullshit. 

I hope you have enjoyed my ridiculousness. I know a couple of my BFFs will be texting me the moment they read this. Ha-ha! I love it! I love you! Thank you so much for reading my blog-a-ma-thing. I always mean to write here, to write more, to write at all, but my ideas get too big and I can’t get the words together. I’m still here, fatting it up, just doing my thing. I would love to hear from you about your life and interests or what you’d like to see here. Is there a topic you’d like me to dive into? Would you like to write a guest post? Share a Tank Top Tuesday pic? Haven’t done those in ages, but I miss it so! Wishing you all the very best in all that you do.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Instagram & Facebook!

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And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

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