I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Avalanches of Life


I don’t even know how to start writing this post. I want to say so much and yet nothing feels right about saying anything at all. Definitely going through a major transitional phase right now. It’s another of my famous avalanches of life stuff all at once, ya know?! Breakup/s, financial fallout (thanks IRS), death in the family, illness for me…At least things at work are good. Ha-ha! It really has been a month of trying to laugh my way through the hard shit that keeps flying at me. *sigh*

I just keep on keepin’ on, always have and probably always will. My bff J said to me last week, “You’re like a dung beetle. It doesn’t know it’s dealing with shit, it just gets shit done!” it was a compliment, but also a bit of a wake up call for me. I wasn’t allowing myself the space to breathe let alone rest and so my illness was more severe and long lasting, and, well, I’m still recovering.
I started this year off with the resignation of pushing myself out of my comfort zone as much as possible and that’s been working well…for the most part. It was kind of amazing to see my awkwardness reach it’s pinnacle at a recent modeling audition. So, Tigress talked me into going to a modeling audition, which was interesting, but fun! Until the very last part…we were supposed to line up and each do a serious runway walk in front of the designers and then a freestyle walk to show off your personality/moves/etc. I did the serious walk fine but then as one person was ahead of me for the very last one I got a fucking nosebleed and had to run to the bathroom! Like of course! No one else would have that shit happen! It was almost over and I just couldn’t get the bleeding to stop. So embarrassing, but also hilarious! I swear my life is a sitcom!
Tigress took this pic of me right after the audition ended. Post bloody nose! 

Yeah, you read that right, I went through a breakup (technically two a month apart). Not much to say about it other than it was time and it was mutual. Dipping my toe back into the single life was exciting at first, but then I was very suddenly struck down with a nasty virus that had me bed ridden for 7 days solid. I’m still sort of dumbstruck by how hard that was and still is, to be honest. Nothing permanent, just a really nasty virus and a cough that won’t quit. It’s going around. What really sucks is being in a good place with myself while trying to meet like minded folks, but finding that is a taller order than I realized. People just can’t be real and my bullshit meter goes off and I…just…cannot! UGH!


Being so sick has forced me to rest, to give myself space, and to be patient with recovery. Yesterday was really the first time I’ve been out of the house and not at work since that modeling audition! I met up with the bffs for Drunch and revelry and had a blast! Finally got to see Trainspotting 2 and it did not disappoint! I’m still processing all the feels that washed over me during the entire film! Ahhh! So good! So necessary! So glad I got to see it with my two favorite people, too! By the time I got home last night my voice was shot from laughing and coughing all damned day! ha-ha!

This is my “I’m sick and everything is terrible” selfie. Ha!

So yeah, I’m single again! Watch out world! Ha-ha! I’m definitely taking a new approach to this whole dating thing. Especially now that I’m working and meeting folks in San Francisco. It’s very different than silicon valley was, for sure! Mostly I’m just enjoying meeting people of all walks of life. My second favorite drug has always been great conversation! I have a couple of bars close to work I like, too. Never thought I’d be able to say that! Now I’m just waiting for my energy to return because this is creeping into it’s third week and I’m still so exhausted and struggling to sleep.
I’m so grateful to have the friends that I do and to have such great people at work, too. I may be broke, but at least I’m (mostly) happy! I still wish I had friends in the town I lived in or at least nearby. 25 miles in any direction and I got great people in my life, but where I live is kind of a dead zone. Not that I mind flying solo these days. Not one bit! Just, sometimes, it would be nice to have someone to go to coffee with or a movie or just chill out with some Mario Kart or Netflix, ya know? Ah well. Whatever will be, will be!
Gosh! So much going on! Tigress and I will have our FIFTH dance show performing together coming up in early July! I cannot even believe it, but it’s true! This will be the first year we’re both gainfully employed during rehearsals, too! Ha-ha! No idea what we’re going to do for song or costumes yet, but that always is the fun part! If you think you’ll be in the SF/Oakland area check us out! It’s a guaranteed great time!
Big Dance, Big Dreams
Saturday July 8th, 2017: doors at 6:30, show at 7:00pm
Sunday July 9th, 2017: doors at 1:30, show at 2:00pm
Laney College Theater900 Fallon St, Oakland, CA $15 advance/$20 door
Tickets available NOW at:
I don’t know what or when I’ll write again, but I wanted to let y’all know I’m alive at least! Maybe I’ll have some funny dating stories to share! Ha-ha! Who knows?! If I’ve learned anything it’s that life will always keep you on your toes! Never a dull moment! Ha! I’ve been thinking a lot about the early days of this blog and my activism and how long ago that all seems now. I feel like I’ve lived an entire lifetime since then. So who knows what tomorrow will bring for any of us. I hope you’re all well and loved and happy. But you know, hit me up! Let me know how you’re doing and what’s on your mind these days!

Snapchat selfie with Wonder Woman filter…Obv!

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

P.S. Check out the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Insta & FB!

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (body positive always, funny sometimes):  Or get the same “shared” content on twitter: @NotBlueAtAll
I also have an Instagram, I rarely use it but would like to more…encourage me to?:
And as always, feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers:
If you would like to support this blog, and it’s archives, via paypal, you may do so here:

Hot Topic: Masturbating While Fat


Who knew my most popular post by far would be this one: Fat Masturbation (Oh Yeah!) NSFW Ha-ha! It’s not even that risque! No pics, just text. Cracks me up but hey, let’s dig into this topic again, not for popularity’s sake, for our sake! Because fuck yeah!

I find it interesting that in most of the keywords used to find my blog (or that post in particular) is the different ways it’s described:

heavy set men masturbating techniques
BBW masturbating
Fat masturbating positions
fat girl masturbating
chubby girls masturbate post blog
How to masturbate if you are fat
…and so on

Part of me is like,”Hell yeah fat people wanna jerk off!!!” Another part of me thinks it’s just peeps lookin’ for porns. Wev. NBD. But it does make me think that folks are afraid or ashamed or feeling some feels about this perfect act of self care, imo. So let’s talk about it!

Who: You! Well, anyone, really. It may require different positions or accessories, but I’m pretty sure if you have the desire and the parts to do so, you can in fact masturbate! Way to go! Great start!

What: Your genitals. Though, masturbation doesn’t always have to mean direct genital stimulation. Perhaps you have another area that gets your motor going? I’m a big fan of nipples and boobs, myself. Great way to start things off! Or maybe you’re more of a butt connoisseur?! Get those hands on those cheeks and start rubbing and squeezin’ to your heart’s delight! Whatever it is, maybe take some time to see what you like or what’s new or neglected or whatever. Have fun!

When: When you have some personal and private time to do so. This is self care, but it’s what works best for you. Maybe you like it rushed so you feel more exhilarated. Or maybe you like to take a lot of time and get real relaxed first. When you can, you should make some time for yourself.

Where: This one is also pretty open, though let’s just all agree to not rub one out on public transport, cool? Cool! Thanks.

Why: Because you deserve to feel good. Because it’s good for you! Because it’s the safest, most pleasurable and most natural act one can do on their own. Because you can! Because you’re hot as fuck! You don’t need an excuse or a reason…just do you! (LOL! See what I did there?!?!)

How: Ahh! The good stuff! How?! Any way you like, really. But let’s talk about what hinders us or worries us…

I know for myself and other B-bellied peeps, a lower or larger (hanging or not) belly can get in the way of self lovin’. It can get in the way of partner sex, too, but this one is all about the solo stuffs. For me it was a lot of internalized fatphobia and self hate that made me ignore the existence of my belly for years. It wasn’t until I was single again after fifteen years that I finally learned to love this protrusion o’ mine and see it for the luscious sexness that it really is! While lovers helped this endeavor, it was my own willingness to be vulnerable with myself and be present and truly feel my belly that got me to see and feel so differently about it.

I started by just looking at my body in the mirror. Then I ran my hands gently, softly gliding them, all over my body. First just to see what felt good, but soon caught myself avoiding that B-zone. So I decided then and there “No more!” and rubbed and touched and tickled my belly. I tried to see it from an outsider’s perspective. This actually, surprisingly, helped a lot! Imagining/remembering lovers kissing my belly and caressing it definitely helped, too. Ha-ha!

As for positions, that will depend upon your own specific configuration of limbs, belly, rolls and abilities. Seriously, even the most athletic folks aren’t necessarily flexible. This can be an issue for anyone! I always suggest experimentation, patience, time, and being present. Does something feel better on your side versus on your back? What about on all fours? Can you reach better with a leg up? Or two? What about standing with one leg up on your bed or a stool? Have you tried the floor? A chair? The couch? I didn’t know I had a specific ability/quirk until I tried certain positioning of my legs on my own. Exciting!

What about toys?! Not just for ladies and not just bullet vibes…the world of adult toys is as varied and fun as your imagination can take you, and then some! Read the reviews online! Did you know Amazon even has an adult toy section? Get that Prime Membership working for ya! Ha-ha! There’s also Good Vibrations or other awesome sites for these products. It doesn’t hurt to browse and online you don’t need to worry about being embarrassed, if that’s something that would give you some embarrassment.

What about dressing up? Curvy Girl Lingerie is the most positive of places a sexy fatty can shop! The models are real people, some are my friends, and all shapes, sizes and ages, too! For non-femme-presenting folks, consider other ways of dressing up or down to suit your mood or taste! If you feel hot af in something, that is just the thing!

Setting the mood can be fun, too! Music is always a big one for me, and lighting. Maybe light a candle or put on a warm light nearby. Steamy shower fun can be the best, too! Let your fantasy world take over, no matter what your actual surroundings look like! The key is to tap into your imagination and let go of your worries and cares and just have fun and go for it…it being you!

My point is that we all deserve self love and self care. We all deserve to feel good and self pleasure is a great way to connect with your body in a positive way. This is also the best way to be a great lover with others, too. Knowing what you like and want and how you like and want it is vital! It will also allow you to focus more on your lover rather than worry about your own body. Even if you’re having a down day, giving yourself a dose of you-centric-pleasure can be just the thing to lift your spirits and brighten your mood and put a spring back in your step. And hey, it’s great for your heart, too! 😉

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

P.S. Check out the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Insta & FB!

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (body positive always, funny sometimes):  Or get the same “shared” content on twitter: @NotBlueAtAll
I also have an Instagram, I rarely use it but would like to more…encourage me to?:
And as always, feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers:
If you would like to support this blog, and it’s archives, via paypal, you may do so here:

Flying solo


Last week I had been clearing out my inbox when I came across one from the San Jose Improv and instantly gasped, “Ah! Arsenio!!!” and decided then and there I had I see him perform stand up! So I posted on my Facebook page to see if any local friends wanted to join me. Literally no one! I grew up watching Arsenio Hall in movies and his late night talk show, but I’d never seen him do good old stand up comedy. I had to go.

I talked to some friends at work about it and when I mentioned that I’d go alone, that I wasn’t gonna miss him, I was surprised to hear over and over how others had wanted to do stuff on their own (alone), too, but just couldn’t do it. What?! I know, but I also get it. Like, I get both sides of this. And if I’m being entirely honest, I was a little nervous about it, too. So, when no one wanted to go on Friday I promised myself I’d go on Saturday and have the best time I could, dammit!

While getting dressed that morning I decided to throw on some mascara. I’m a bold lip and nail color kind of gal, but have been experimenting on weekends with some new cosmetic purchases. I had read some reviews and must-lists and was eager to try some new stuff. The one that has really surprised me is this mascara, Maybelline, Lash Discovery (mini brush). You can see the difference between one coat of mascara and none here:

Whoa! I ended up adding a second coat and really liked how it wore. No flaking or smudging, it isn’t waterproof, but I didn’t even notice it was on. I love how much more control I get with the mini brush versus full sized ones. It’s still long, but very skinny and an old style bristle brush. It’s perfect for my barely there lashes. Rock on! I also did my hair different, because why not! I have had the same right sided part forever, so I tried a middle part with some cute pearl bobby pins for fun and just let my hair air dry since it was raining out anyway.

When it was time I headed to downtown San Jose in the rain and wind (it’s nuts this week) and found a spot in a reliable parking garage up the street. As I headed to the venue with my umbrella, everyone I past by stared right at me, like not even trying to hide it. I shrugged it off at first but it soon became weird. At the venue, the line for the box office was stretching down the block. I had to pass by the entire line of people (probably a hundred people at first) to get to the end. I did it, of course, but again, every person in that line stared at me hard! I didn’t get it, I checking to make sure my ass wasn’t hanging out or something in my teeth. Nope. Just assholes.

It was a lovely night out if you don’t mind the rain. Everyone in line had umbrellas except for the few who didn’t. They hated the umbrella havers. What can ya do?! The doors were supposed to open at 9:15pm, but didn’t until almost 10pm. I was just glad that it wasn’t too cold out.

An interesting view from the line once it finally started to move. Trust me, this view is far more satisfying than finding out what is at the end of that alley (it’s super boring, I promise).

We inched our way up toward the box office and I soon reached the ticket takers and headed inside. Then I was stopped by an usher instructing everyone up the stairs on either side of the lobby. I asked if there was an alternative as my knee was hurting that day. She asked how many were in my party and when I said it was just me she said I could inquire with the usher on the main floor and so I did. He found me a seat instantly. The thing about the Improv is that you have to sit with strangers if your party is less than four people. Obviously I’m one person, so I had to sit with a random couple, surrounded by other random couples.

I did my best not to bother anyone, but it was apparent at first that I was making the original couple at my table a bit uncomfortable. Maybe they didn’t know about the sitting with strangers to fill up the house thing. Maybe geek-beauty and brilliance was just too much for them. Who knows?! But you know you can just tell (I can feel it) when folks start shifting in their seats awkwardly. Meh.

The show was great! Well…okay, the opener was just okay, but Arsenio was great! He was even funnier than I’d ever seen him be on tv! And that’s saying something! There was a two item per person minimum and while everyone around me seemed to be eating nachos and burgers, I stuck with my usual vodka-cran. I laughed my guts out! Luckily I times it just right when he said goodnight and left the stage, I grabbed my stuff and darted for the exit before others got to the aisle.

It was raining even heavier as I walked back to my car, but as I wait for the night to change to cross the street I saw that the local goth club night was at it’s new venue nearby, so I decided to head over there to check it out. Oh sure, actually, that sounds like I was all calm and cool about it but that isn’t the truth. The truth is that I’d wanted to check out their new venue for awhile but had always been too chicken or too tired to actually go. Even as I got to my car and changed my boots I was giving myself a pep talk, “Just check it out. It could be cool! Have a drink, enjoy yourself! Then you can leave. No big deal.” Ha-ha!

I found parking a block away, but the rain was just dousing downtown! I didn’t want to carry my coat and umbrella and my purse. I left the coat and umbrella and grabbed my bag and just went for it! It wasn’t bad going in. The cover was only five bucks and the venue is much nicer than the old one. I grabbed a drink at the bar and headed into the dance area. Only it was much larger than I’d expected and there were really two dance appropriate areas. I chose a convenient dark corner with a bar stool and simply people watched awhile.

I had secretly hoped I’d run into friends, or maybe even meet some new peeps, but that just wasn’t in the cards that night. No biggie. I was thoroughly enjoying myself watching the goth bois dancing. It had me quite transfixed! Their free form and wild movements inspired me. These were not the traditional goth moves, nor music, really. But there was a sense of pure release and freedom in their rhythms that I just had so much love and respect for them. More dudes joined them as the songs changed and for the first time in my goth club going experience there were more guys than gals. I liked this new dynamic as it wasn’t a pick up scene and everyone seemed to keep to themselves. This is what I like most about goth clubs. You can dance wildly and freely on your own and no one questions or molests you. Nice.

A fantastic song came on  and I would have normally jumped up and ran to the dancefloor, but my drink was still quite full and I decided to just chair dance in my dark corner instead. Ha-ha! A bunch of music I wasn’t into came on and I started to think about leaving  but after awhile I grabbed a second drink and attempted to sit in my dark corner again. But dude, it really was dark, as in my attempt I hadn’t realized that it wasn’t my same spot or stool and this one rotated whilst the first one was stationary, thus I narrowly escaped falling upon my giant fat ass in front of everyone there. A few people definitely noticed, but I just refused, for awhile, to turn around from the wall and face them. Ha-ha! Ridiculous!!!

After people watching awhile more it soon became apparent to me that everyone was there in groups of 4-8. There was no mixing or mingling and the few folks there who were solo, didn’t seem to be engaging with anyone around them what so ever. Meh. It was fine. I was perfectly fine watching folks and just taking in the scene, if you will. But my second drink was far too strong! I only took a few sips and ended up leaving soon after. I was almost looking forward to my rainy walk back to my car. That is until I reached the exit and saw the downpour. D’oh! By the time I reached my car I was drenched. Oh well.

I made it home in one piece and no worse for wear, really. I even remembered to snap a couple of selfies! This is rare, y’all! Ha!

The next morning I realized that I had forgotten to get a pic of my dress…it’s old Eshakti and I love it.

While the evening wasn’t a total blast or a total bust, I was glad that I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and did what I wanted on my own. I was super glad to have finally seen Arsenio and satisfied my curiosity about the new venue for the local goth club. (Though it was definitely not as body positive and queer friendly as Club Bodice in Oakland.) I had a good time and saw things I wouldn’t normally get to. I’d say it was a great night overall. I think I’ll push myself to do more stuff solo and try to make some friends more local to me. Woo!

A Facebook friend of mine, Charlotte, made this cool as fuck thingy above, “Fat as fuck” ribbon art. I love it!!! Pretty much how I felt that whole night, too, but in a badass way, ya know?!

Rad Fatty Love to ALL.

P.S. Check out the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Insta & FB!

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (body positive always, funny sometimes):  Or get the same “shared” content on twitter: @NotBlueAtAll
I also have an Instagram, I rarely use it but would like to more…encourage me to?:
And as always, feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers:
If you would like to give money to support this blog and it’s archives, via paypal, you may do so here:




I was recently invited to participate in a fat positive photoshoot with some incredible fat activists. The photos just came out about a week ago with the hashtag: #FatAndFree and I thought I’d talk a bit about the experience and what #FatAndFree means to me.

The photoshoot was organized by Saucye West & Tigress, the photographer was Desmond Rogers. I wasn’t sure what to expect, though the theme was NYE Party, so I brought last year’s New Year’s dress and showed up! Once we set up all of the decorations and everyone arrived, we got ourselves done up and camera ready.

Now, I’ve done some modeling, but nothing professional. I’ve walked a runway for SizeQueen clothing at NoLose one year. I’ve been to lots of events where folks line up to have their pics taken on a red carpet type of thing. I’ve even been an Adiposer and been shot nude by the ever lovely Substantia Jones. But Saucye and Tigress and Magnolia Black have done legit photoshoots before! I felt so awkward and dorky, but hey, in such great company, I just rolled with it as best I could! Ha-ha!

The actual taking o’ the photos part was not easy for me at all. Saucye was on the sidelines cheering me on, offering tips and pointers. Then Desmond said, “Seduce the camera” and I burst out laughing! I said, “Uhh, you’re talking to the wrong gal about that! Hahahahaha!” So Tigress made me a helluva stiff drink and I did my best to just have fun with it. I think it worked out well in the end.

The other lovelies there did so well! They all looked amazing! Then we did our group shots with our fat positive signs and later a fun party toast shoot! So glam! It was such a blast! It had been a long time since I’d been surrounded by such incredible and positive people. It felt so good to just be myself and feel the great energy we all had flowing that night…not to mention the champagne! Ha! It was such a great experience for everyone there that they are already talking about another event like it! I can’t wait to find out more!

#FatAndFree means many things to me, but first and foremost is means autonomy! That I get to live and breathe and be the person I want to be. That I get to choose the life I want to live and not be held back or hindered by others or society at large.

#FatAndFree means dressing up, presenting my femme-self to the world and not giving any fucks what anyone else thinks about it!

#FatAndFree means inhabiting this fat body of mine and moving with it, not against it. Supporting my fat body through movement and self care and surrounding myself with fabulous people who lift each other up every chance they get!

#FatAndFree is truly free, it doesn’t cost a thing!

#FatAndFree is me.

#FatAndFree is you.

#FatAndFree is us.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL.

P.S. Check out the hashtag: #FatAndFree in Insta & FB!

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (body positive always, funny sometimes):  Or get the same “shared” content on twitter: @NotBlueAtAll
I also have an Instagram, I rarely use it but would like to more…encourage me to?:
And as always, feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers:
If you would like to give money to support this blog and it’s archives, via paypal, you may do so here:

Mind Your Business


You know what kills me? When people say fatties are obsessed with food. Like, because we inhabit a fat body that must mean that we’re all food all the time! The truth is not so simplistic. It is certainly easier to believe some bullshit stereotype, but it’s unacceptable to generalize any group of people in this way.

The truth? People of all shapes and sizes are over eaters. This is a serious eating disorder that affects people’s lives. This is not something to joke about or laugh at or shame people over. Another thing? People of all shapes and sizes are under eaters or anorexic! This is a serious eating disorder that affects people’s lives. This is not something to joke about or laugh at or shame people over. Another thing? Don’t be a dick to people! Assumptions are bullshit and we need to knock it the hell off!

You know who is food obsessed? Dieters! No one talks about or thinks about food more than those who are dieting! Especially this time of year when it feels like everyone is starting some new fad diet and they have to tell you all about it. NOPE! Ya don’t! But I know you will and I will smile in your fucking face as I tell you to stfu about it! Seriously, shut the fuck up about it already! It’s boring and no one cares!

Some say you’re always in recovery when it comes to eating disorders or sobriety, and I think that’s true. I still struggle with my anorexia, though nowhere near like I used to. There are certain triggers I try to avoid and mostly do okay with that, but again, this time of year with all of its diet-workout culture bullshit, it’s extra hard. The worst is the smarmy-holier-than-thou attitudes that permeate due to these new regimes. It’s a fucking joke! No one is better than anyone else and certainly not for what they eat or how they choose to move their bodies.

The worst is when your significant other jumps on these band wagons. No seriously! One would hope that we would be partnered with someone whose belief align with our own, and they often do, but on certain subjects, and especially socially reinforced ones, it’s easy to get caught up. And sure, it’s fun to try new things, I get that. What I do not get at all is doing the same thing each year and expecting new results (that never come). Seriously!??! Isn’t that the very definition of insanity?! Yeah, my bf is, once again, for the third year in a row, recommitting to eating healthier and tracking every possible statistic you can gather about yourself (Fitbit and all). When I said, “You said that last year.” about these things, he responded, “Yeah but I’m going to stick with it this year!” and I replied, “You have said that the last two years, though.” he didn’t have a reply.

Now, look, it’s one thing to do these things on your own. I mean, more power to ya! But to drag others down? Unacceptable! Do NOT ever fucking remark on other’s eating habits or body size. Do NOT ever fucking make assumptions about these things to or about anyone, EVER! No seriously, don’t fucking do it! Not even as a joke! Don’t joke about that shit! You can cause far more harm than good. And…

What anyone puts into or does with their body is their business, period.

Let’s keep it that way!

Rad Fatty Love to ALL.


P.S. Check out the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Instagram & Facebook!

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (body positive always, funny sometimes):  Or get the same “shared” content on twitter: @NotBlueAtAll
I also have an Instagram, I rarely use it but would like to more…encourage me to?:
And as always, feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers:
If you would like to give money to support this blog and it’s archives, via paypal, you may do so here:


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