NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Flying solo

January9

Last week I had been clearing out my inbox when I came across one from the San Jose Improv and instantly gasped, “Ah! Arsenio!!!” and decided then and there I had I see him perform stand up! So I posted on my Facebook page to see if any local friends wanted to join me. Literally no one! I grew up watching Arsenio Hall in movies and his late night talk show, but I’d never seen him do good old stand up comedy. I had to go.

I talked to some friends at work about it and when I mentioned that I’d go alone, that I wasn’t gonna miss him, I was surprised to hear over and over how others had wanted to do stuff on their own (alone), too, but just couldn’t do it. What?! I know, but I also get it. Like, I get both sides of this. And if I’m being entirely honest, I was a little nervous about it, too. So, when no one wanted to go on Friday I promised myself I’d go on Saturday and have the best time I could, dammit!

While getting dressed that morning I decided to throw on some mascara. I’m a bold lip and nail color kind of gal, but have been experimenting on weekends with some new cosmetic purchases. I had read some reviews and must-lists and was eager to try some new stuff. The one that has really surprised me is this mascara, Maybelline, Lash Discovery (mini brush). You can see the difference between one coat of mascara and none here:

Whoa! I ended up adding a second coat and really liked how it wore. No flaking or smudging, it isn’t waterproof, but I didn’t even notice it was on. I love how much more control I get with the mini brush versus full sized ones. It’s still long, but very skinny and an old style bristle brush. It’s perfect for my barely there lashes. Rock on! I also did my hair different, because why not! I have had the same right sided part forever, so I tried a middle part with some cute pearl bobby pins for fun and just let my hair air dry since it was raining out anyway.

When it was time I headed to downtown San Jose in the rain and wind (it’s nuts this week) and found a spot in a reliable parking garage up the street. As I headed to the venue with my umbrella, everyone I past by stared right at me, like not even trying to hide it. I shrugged it off at first but it soon became weird. At the venue, the line for the box office was stretching down the block. I had to pass by the entire line of people (probably a hundred people at first) to get to the end. I did it, of course, but again, every person in that line stared at me hard! I didn’t get it, I checking to make sure my ass wasn’t hanging out or something in my teeth. Nope. Just assholes.

It was a lovely night out if you don’t mind the rain. Everyone in line had umbrellas except for the few who didn’t. They hated the umbrella havers. What can ya do?! The doors were supposed to open at 9:15pm, but didn’t until almost 10pm. I was just glad that it wasn’t too cold out.

An interesting view from the line once it finally started to move. Trust me, this view is far more satisfying than finding out what is at the end of that alley (it’s super boring, I promise).

We inched our way up toward the box office and I soon reached the ticket takers and headed inside. Then I was stopped by an usher instructing everyone up the stairs on either side of the lobby. I asked if there was an alternative as my knee was hurting that day. She asked how many were in my party and when I said it was just me she said I could inquire with the usher on the main floor and so I did. He found me a seat instantly. The thing about the Improv is that you have to sit with strangers if your party is less than four people. Obviously I’m one person, so I had to sit with a random couple, surrounded by other random couples.

I did my best not to bother anyone, but it was apparent at first that I was making the original couple at my table a bit uncomfortable. Maybe they didn’t know about the sitting with strangers to fill up the house thing. Maybe geek-beauty and brilliance was just too much for them. Who knows?! But you know you can just tell (I can feel it) when folks start shifting in their seats awkwardly. Meh.

The show was great! Well…okay, the opener was just okay, but Arsenio was great! He was even funnier than I’d ever seen him be on tv! And that’s saying something! There was a two item per person minimum and while everyone around me seemed to be eating nachos and burgers, I stuck with my usual vodka-cran. I laughed my guts out! Luckily I times it just right when he said goodnight and left the stage, I grabbed my stuff and darted for the exit before others got to the aisle.

It was raining even heavier as I walked back to my car, but as I wait for the night to change to cross the street I saw that the local goth club night was at it’s new venue nearby, so I decided to head over there to check it out. Oh sure, actually, that sounds like I was all calm and cool about it but that isn’t the truth. The truth is that I’d wanted to check out their new venue for awhile but had always been too chicken or too tired to actually go. Even as I got to my car and changed my boots I was giving myself a pep talk, “Just check it out. It could be cool! Have a drink, enjoy yourself! Then you can leave. No big deal.” Ha-ha!

I found parking a block away, but the rain was just dousing downtown! I didn’t want to carry my coat and umbrella and my purse. I left the coat and umbrella and grabbed my bag and just went for it! It wasn’t bad going in. The cover was only five bucks and the venue is much nicer than the old one. I grabbed a drink at the bar and headed into the dance area. Only it was much larger than I’d expected and there were really two dance appropriate areas. I chose a convenient dark corner with a bar stool and simply people watched awhile.

I had secretly hoped I’d run into friends, or maybe even meet some new peeps, but that just wasn’t in the cards that night. No biggie. I was thoroughly enjoying myself watching the goth bois dancing. It had me quite transfixed! Their free form and wild movements inspired me. These were not the traditional goth moves, nor music, really. But there was a sense of pure release and freedom in their rhythms that I just had so much love and respect for them. More dudes joined them as the songs changed and for the first time in my goth club going experience there were more guys than gals. I liked this new dynamic as it wasn’t a pick up scene and everyone seemed to keep to themselves. This is what I like most about goth clubs. You can dance wildly and freely on your own and no one questions or molests you. Nice.

A fantastic song came on  and I would have normally jumped up and ran to the dancefloor, but my drink was still quite full and I decided to just chair dance in my dark corner instead. Ha-ha! A bunch of music I wasn’t into came on and I started to think about leaving  but after awhile I grabbed a second drink and attempted to sit in my dark corner again. But dude, it really was dark, as in my attempt I hadn’t realized that it wasn’t my same spot or stool and this one rotated whilst the first one was stationary, thus I narrowly escaped falling upon my giant fat ass in front of everyone there. A few people definitely noticed, but I just refused, for awhile, to turn around from the wall and face them. Ha-ha! Ridiculous!!!

After people watching awhile more it soon became apparent to me that everyone was there in groups of 4-8. There was no mixing or mingling and the few folks there who were solo, didn’t seem to be engaging with anyone around them what so ever. Meh. It was fine. I was perfectly fine watching folks and just taking in the scene, if you will. But my second drink was far too strong! I only took a few sips and ended up leaving soon after. I was almost looking forward to my rainy walk back to my car. That is until I reached the exit and saw the downpour. D’oh! By the time I reached my car I was drenched. Oh well.

I made it home in one piece and no worse for wear, really. I even remembered to snap a couple of selfies! This is rare, y’all! Ha!

The next morning I realized that I had forgotten to get a pic of my dress…it’s old Eshakti and I love it.

While the evening wasn’t a total blast or a total bust, I was glad that I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and did what I wanted on my own. I was super glad to have finally seen Arsenio and satisfied my curiosity about the new venue for the local goth club. (Though it was definitely not as body positive and queer friendly as Club Bodice in Oakland.) I had a good time and saw things I wouldn’t normally get to. I’d say it was a great night overall. I think I’ll push myself to do more stuff solo and try to make some friends more local to me. Woo!

A Facebook friend of mine, Charlotte, made this cool as fuck thingy above, “Fat as fuck” ribbon art. I love it!!! Pretty much how I felt that whole night, too, but in a badass way, ya know?!

Rad Fatty Love to ALL.
<3
S

P.S. Check out the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Insta & FB!

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (body positive always, funny sometimes):
http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS  Or get the same “shared” content on twitter: @NotBlueAtAll
I also have an Instagram, I rarely use it but would like to more…encourage me to?:
https://instagram.com/notblueatall/
And as always, feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers:
notblueatall@notblueatall.com
If you would like to give money to support this blog and it’s archives, via paypal, you may do so here: http://bit.ly/1P2cZgO

 

#FatAndFree

January6

I was recently invited to participate in a fat positive photoshoot with some incredible fat activists. The photos just came out about a week ago with the hashtag: #FatAndFree and I thought I’d talk a bit about the experience and what #FatAndFree means to me.

The photoshoot was organized by Saucye West & Tigress, the photographer was Desmond Rogers. I wasn’t sure what to expect, though the theme was NYE Party, so I brought last year’s New Year’s dress and showed up! Once we set up all of the decorations and everyone arrived, we got ourselves done up and camera ready.

Now, I’ve done some modeling, but nothing professional. I’ve walked a runway for SizeQueen clothing at NoLose one year. I’ve been to lots of events where folks line up to have their pics taken on a red carpet type of thing. I’ve even been an Adiposer and been shot nude by the ever lovely Substantia Jones. But Saucye and Tigress and Magnolia Black have done legit photoshoots before! I felt so awkward and dorky, but hey, in such great company, I just rolled with it as best I could! Ha-ha!

The actual taking o’ the photos part was not easy for me at all. Saucye was on the sidelines cheering me on, offering tips and pointers. Then Desmond said, “Seduce the camera” and I burst out laughing! I said, “Uhh, you’re talking to the wrong gal about that! Hahahahaha!” So Tigress made me a helluva stiff drink and I did my best to just have fun with it. I think it worked out well in the end.

The other lovelies there did so well! They all looked amazing! Then we did our group shots with our fat positive signs and later a fun party toast shoot! So glam! It was such a blast! It had been a long time since I’d been surrounded by such incredible and positive people. It felt so good to just be myself and feel the great energy we all had flowing that night…not to mention the champagne! Ha! It was such a great experience for everyone there that they are already talking about another event like it! I can’t wait to find out more!

#FatAndFree means many things to me, but first and foremost is means autonomy! That I get to live and breathe and be the person I want to be. That I get to choose the life I want to live and not be held back or hindered by others or society at large.

#FatAndFree means dressing up, presenting my femme-self to the world and not giving any fucks what anyone else thinks about it!

#FatAndFree means inhabiting this fat body of mine and moving with it, not against it. Supporting my fat body through movement and self care and surrounding myself with fabulous people who lift each other up every chance they get!

#FatAndFree is truly free, it doesn’t cost a thing!

#FatAndFree is me.

#FatAndFree is you.

#FatAndFree is us.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL.
<3
S

P.S. Check out the hashtag: #FatAndFree in Insta & FB!

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (body positive always, funny sometimes):
http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS  Or get the same “shared” content on twitter: @NotBlueAtAll
I also have an Instagram, I rarely use it but would like to more…encourage me to?:
https://instagram.com/notblueatall/
And as always, feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers:
notblueatall@notblueatall.com
If you would like to give money to support this blog and it’s archives, via paypal, you may do so here: http://bit.ly/1P2cZgO

Mind Your Business

January5

You know what kills me? When people say fatties are obsessed with food. Like, because we inhabit a fat body that must mean that we’re all food all the time! The truth is not so simplistic. It is certainly easier to believe some bullshit stereotype, but it’s unacceptable to generalize any group of people in this way.

The truth? People of all shapes and sizes are over eaters. This is a serious eating disorder that affects people’s lives. This is not something to joke about or laugh at or shame people over. Another thing? People of all shapes and sizes are under eaters or anorexic! This is a serious eating disorder that affects people’s lives. This is not something to joke about or laugh at or shame people over. Another thing? Don’t be a dick to people! Assumptions are bullshit and we need to knock it the hell off!

You know who is food obsessed? Dieters! No one talks about or thinks about food more than those who are dieting! Especially this time of year when it feels like everyone is starting some new fad diet and they have to tell you all about it. NOPE! Ya don’t! But I know you will and I will smile in your fucking face as I tell you to stfu about it! Seriously, shut the fuck up about it already! It’s boring and no one cares!

Some say you’re always in recovery when it comes to eating disorders or sobriety, and I think that’s true. I still struggle with my anorexia, though nowhere near like I used to. There are certain triggers I try to avoid and mostly do okay with that, but again, this time of year with all of its diet-workout culture bullshit, it’s extra hard. The worst is the smarmy-holier-than-thou attitudes that permeate due to these new regimes. It’s a fucking joke! No one is better than anyone else and certainly not for what they eat or how they choose to move their bodies.

The worst is when your significant other jumps on these band wagons. No seriously! One would hope that we would be partnered with someone whose belief align with our own, and they often do, but on certain subjects, and especially socially reinforced ones, it’s easy to get caught up. And sure, it’s fun to try new things, I get that. What I do not get at all is doing the same thing each year and expecting new results (that never come). Seriously!??! Isn’t that the very definition of insanity?! Yeah, my bf is, once again, for the third year in a row, recommitting to eating healthier and tracking every possible statistic you can gather about yourself (Fitbit and all). When I said, “You said that last year.” about these things, he responded, “Yeah but I’m going to stick with it this year!” and I replied, “You have said that the last two years, though.” he didn’t have a reply.

Now, look, it’s one thing to do these things on your own. I mean, more power to ya! But to drag others down? Unacceptable! Do NOT ever fucking remark on other’s eating habits or body size. Do NOT ever fucking make assumptions about these things to or about anyone, EVER! No seriously, don’t fucking do it! Not even as a joke! Don’t joke about that shit! You can cause far more harm than good. And…

What anyone puts into or does with their body is their business, period.

Let’s keep it that way!

Rad Fatty Love to ALL.

<3
S

P.S. Check out the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Instagram & Facebook!

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (body positive always, funny sometimes):
http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS  Or get the same “shared” content on twitter: @NotBlueAtAll
I also have an Instagram, I rarely use it but would like to more…encourage me to?:
https://instagram.com/notblueatall/
And as always, feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers:
notblueatall@notblueatall.com
If you would like to give money to support this blog and it’s archives, via paypal, you may do so here: http://bit.ly/1P2cZgO

 

Whose Rules Are You Following?

December30

Have you noticed the looks on folks faces when you do something that goes against what they deem to be a rule? I’m talking about being confident in a fat body, breaking fashion “rules”, not dieting or trying to lose weight, or even having a fulfilling life. It’s one of confusion, denial, sometimes laughter (as though we must certainly be pulling their leg) and eventually anger.

I’ve had people congratulate me for buying produce at the grocery store. I’ve had innumerable older white women judge me upon what is in my cart or on the conveyor belt at the checkout line. I’ve had them make comments, remarks, insults, you name it. I’ve had folks make eye contact before hitting me with their shopping cart or baby stroller. While I’ve had these things happen in nearly every shopping setting, I will say that it was worse at Whole Foods, in particular (an old job required I shopped there for them 1-2 times weekly, it was horrible).

They will all insist that they act so despicably because they care about your health, and they are lying. In what other situation or scenario or embodiment would someone treat you inhumanely because they care about your health?! It’s bullshit! I’ve laughed in people’s faces over that shit. If someone truly cares about your health they will ask you how you’re feeling, if you need anything, they will sound supportive. Big difference, there!

When fat people appear confident and happy in public it goes against every rule that so many others have built their lives upon. The years of behavior modification and self denial and all for what? So they might finally be deserving of the love and self respect that we are not flaunting in their faces without the struggles they’ve been through. (Obviously, not really, but this is certainly how some would view it.) For many, these behavior mods and denials become a big part of who they are. When you’re taught early on that certain things are bad or make you a bad person, it can certainly shape your views and who you are as a person.

Fuck this! ^

We’ve all tried these ridiculous things, filled with false promises, often disguised as a healthier way of living. It’s all lies. We know it is. Yet we fall for them time and time again. For what? Because we’re promised the love and respect and human decency we’re denied simply because we live in a larger body. Ridiculous!

Who knows what I could have accomplished or achieved had I spent more time living my actual life instead of actively hating my body. Now I can honestly say that letting go of those things, those rules and behaviors, was the best thing I’ve ever done. Free of the self hate and worries over every little thing and trying desperately to fit in (even when I didn’t truly want to, tbh). I would wake up so sad everyday. I spent years living that way. It’s not worth it! It never was and it never can be. Hating yourself, allowing others to make you feel that you should hate yourself and your body, is never fucking worth it!

When you get to the heart of this bullshit, it is all about money. It all started as a marketing scheme to distract and control and to profit. That’s it! That’s all! It was never about health and happiness. It’s so easy to get sucked into these things, it’s all very religious and cult like, imo. All of the rituals and meetings and shame and guilt and good versus bad. Blegh!

You’re perfectly fine just the way you are.

Live the life you’ve always wanted to!

Nothing is holding you back, but yourself!

Let go and just be you!

So whose rules are you following?

Rad Fatty Love to ALL.
<3
S

P.S. Check out the hashtag: #FatAndFree in Insta & FB!

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (body positive always, funny sometimes):
http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS  Or get the same “shared” content on twitter: @NotBlueAtAll
I also have an Instagram, I rarely use it but would like to more…encourage me to?:
https://instagram.com/notblueatall/
And as always, feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers:
notblueatall@notblueatall.com
If you would like to give money to support this blog and it’s archives, via paypal, you may do so here: http://bit.ly/1P2cZgO

New Year, New You…For Whom?

December28

We’re smack in the middle of the week between Xmas and NYE and the volume of the whole “New Year, New You!” bullshit has gone from a tolerable din to a raging dischord-symphony. UGH! I want to smash it all! I don’t do resolutions, I don’t do goal setting, and I don’t fuck with diet culture! NOPE!
grump-nope
What I have always strived for is simply to live a life of my own choosing. Being and (always) becoming my most authentic self. So when we start with the whole “New Year, New You!” bullshit, what feels gross to me is the implication that there is something inherently wrong with us/me/you. Fuck that!

If I feel that I want or need to make a change in order to set myself up for a more authentic life, then I just will. I don’t need a date or a commercial or a book or a new workout fad to make it happen. Of course it’s totally okay and fine to try new things, but I ask you to explore one thing: for whom these things are done?

The importance of this cannot be overstated: For whom is this for? Because if it isn’t for yourself, what else are you compromising or missing or holding yourself back from enjoying?!

Whispers of, “It’s for your health” and “I love you and I just want you to be healthy so you can live longer” all sounds nice, but if anyone gave an actual shit about your health and well being they wouldn’t attempt to make you feel like shit with this passive bullshit to begin with. If you do have people in your life passive aggressively “motivating” you to do these things, ask them what it is they are attempting to make you feel and compare that to how it actually makes you feel. Is it shame?  Is it guilt? Is it that they think something is wrong with you and feel it’s your responsibility to “fix” yourself? Because fuck that and fuck them!
screenshot-2016-12-28-at-12-18-40-pm

Think about your day to day life. When you wake up in the morning, what are the first things you think about? What are the first things you do? For whom are you doing these things? What thoughts or actions are you suppressing or ignoring because of someone or something else?

You have to live your life for you! You cannot be your most authentic self if you’re holding yourself back from what your heart desires!

You deserve better! If there’s things in your life you want to change, do it for you! It is your life, no one else’s!

“I want many things, sure, but most of all I want to be and feel loved and special. Isn’t that what any of us wants?”
(Quote from a previous end of the year post on this blog.)
screenshot-2016-12-28-at-12-20-30-pm

When I started my new job (it still feels unreal and new I guess, 7 months in), I quickly bonded with someone over a book, “Daring Greatly” and not only do I highly recommend that book (by Brene Brown), but there was something she said in the book that has stuck with me. I’m paraphrasing here, but it was something like, Are you happy with who you are and your life right now? Is this the life you set out to live? Like, if you could see your life now from when you were a kid, would you be okay with it? That whole book is so quotable! But I can’t find the exact quote. You should read it anyway, it’s just good.

I just reread some past posts from this time of year. They’re all filled with portions of hope and despair and wishes and fears. It is no small wonder that this time of year always rattles me! I noticed a serious pattern of income instability at this time of year for many years! I’m so glad that is not the case this year. This year all of my battles and struggles are internal. Life can seem so simple from the outside, but dammit it’s hella complicated when you’re actually living it! Ha-ha!

I’m depressed this week. I know it will pass, it always does. I’m trying to get my house together, but it’s awfully slow going. I’m enjoying the downtime with my lil’ puggo. Each day brings sad, sad news. This weekend will be full of celebrations with friends. I feel a growth spurt on the horizon. I hope it brings more joy, fulfillment, and abundance into my life.

screenshot-2016-12-28-at-12-16-16-pm

If you’re feeling a bit adrift as well, might I suggest perusing The Steps, which are just ten steps of stuff that has helped me live a happier life. I’m going to reread those myself and see where it takes me. I really felt in my element when I wrote those, I miss that.

I won’t entertain prophecies or fortune telling for the coming year, but I can put out the intention that we will be closer to each other. What brings us closer who can say, but I hope we can all lean on each other and our communities.

We are stronger through vulnerability, not in avoiding it.

Listen to your gut. Never lose that connection to yourself.

See you on the flip side!

Rad Fatty Love to ALL.
<3
S

screenshot-2016-12-28-at-12-18-00-pm

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (body positive always, funny sometimes):
http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS  Or get the same “shared” content on twitter: @NotBlueAtAll
I also have an Instagram, I rarely use it but would like to more…encourage me to?:
https://instagram.com/notblueatall/
And as always, feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers:
notblueatall@notblueatall.com
If you would like to give money to support this blog and it’s archives, via paypal, you may do so here: http://bit.ly/1P2cZgO

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