So, here we are, January 2016. I’m still here breathing and feeling too many things and questioning everything, but hey, I’m also still kickin’! The last month of 2015 was more of an eye opener than I was prepared for, so the simple fact that I am still here is feeling like a triumph in and of itself. If only surviving was all life was about, eh? Ha-ha! If only indeed. I had a few folks express concern after my end of the year post, I did not intend to alarm anyone, but I do appreciate the check-ins, for real. I’ve been thinking a lot about what people do when the world kicks their ass. We get hurt or mad but we rally and we huddle with our families or friends. I can always use more and/or some of that. I know who loves me, who will always have my back, who I can trust, where I feel safe.
The holidays are a fucked up time and can bring out the worst in people. I have been unpleasantly surprised by some of my nearest and dearest and I am still trying to process that shit. I realize that my expectation of friendship is perhaps too high for some, or so I have been told. For me it boils down to trust, honesty and respect, in any relationship. My chosen family lineup hasn’t changed and for that I am truly grateful. The two people I had considered bffs and maybe more have left me heartbroken, shocked and unable to confront or deal with what has come to pass but I’m certain that time will sort it out, usually does. People do things, or don’t do them, for their own reasons and sometimes those reasons are a mystery even to them. Fair isn’t a given in life and I wonder if it exists at all.
I was, however, excited to give my brother exactly what he wanted for his Christmas present, that felt good. Thank the stars for my bargain hunting skills! Ha! He’s really the easiest person to please and I am so grateful for every text and phone call I get from him. He’s kind of the light of my life. Well, him and my boyfriend and puggyman. And yet I feel more lonely than ever. *sigh* It’s hard to be grateful, to try to stay positive, to enjoy the few pleasures I do have in my life when I am so far from where I want to be. There was a time I felt like things were really coming together, where I was coming into my own and it felt as fantastic and terrifying as flying. I had a path and that alone felt good.
I don’t know what I should be doing, where or what my path is and right now all I can think about is in under two months I will be financially ruined and without an income. That is when my unemployment benefits run out. If I don’t have a job by then I will have to default on my personal loan (which I took out just before losing my last job in order to reduce the interest I was paying on my credit card) and credit card, which I’ve been using to survive. I can’t get that out of my head. I’ve always hated the sound of a ticking clock and thus do not own one. Yet the one in my head is the loudest one of all. I’m doing my best, every moment, to not think about it or it will suck me back down into the abyss of sadness I found myself in last week.
Patience is something that comes with age, I think. It’s something I have struggled with, worked on and practiced. I don’t think there’s a person alive who’s met me now who could say I am not patient. In fact, the people who know me or even those who have just met me always say the nicest, kindest things about me. No one seems to understand how or why I don’t yet have a fantastic job because, surely, “You of all people deserve it!” I never know what to say in those moments, but always lean on the advice my friend J gave me years ago, “Just say thank you and then move on.” Of all of the interviews I’ve had in the last eight months, only 2-3 seemed like they weren’t a sure thing. That’s not me blowing smoke, I mean most felt really great. Most interviewers said things like they would love to work with me, I’d be a great fit, they look forward to seeing me again very soon, or were generally super impressed with my skills, attitude and experience. So what gives?! I wish I knew.
We’ve lost some great beings these last two weeks as well. A veil of grief has shrouded my online interactions with folks, but I do think that there is something valuable and important in allowing grief to come. I think it can reconnect us to what we want in our lives, who we want or need to be for ourselves and others. Because of this I had a bit of a self-care morning with a hair treatment and made to sure eat an actual breakfast. I keep trying to think of something to look forward to. That means a lot to me, to have something to anticipate with great love or fondness or just positive vibes over all. I don’t have much in that department, sadly. But it sounds like we’ll be celebrating Video Game Pajama Donut Day (the holiday I invented) this Saturday. That’s pretty dang rad!
What is Video Game Pajama Donut Day? It is a day off from work and major obligations where you spend it’s entirety in your pajamas, snacking and drinking and doing fun things with your closest besties. Plain as! Anyone can celebrate it. It doesn’t fall on a specific day, though it’s mostly been celebrated in the past between Christmas and New Year’s. I didn’t think we’d be able to synch up our schedules this year, but it seems like we have. I have my Wonder Woman pajamas from Torrid at the ready (two different sets, actually). I have some things to make and bake and drink at the ready. It will be good for us to come together and enjoy each other’s company when the world seems too cruel to bear. I’ll have to hook up my Wii, but that is something to look forward to as well. Wii games! Oh I have missed my beloved Mario Kart! Ha-ha!
No way to know what the future holds, I just keep on keepin’ on, but I can hold onto myself and be true to what matters most within me.
Rad Fatty Love,
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