Have you ever had a meal that you can’t stop thinking about even months later, or years? I often think very wistfully of those special meals, well, for me it is two very specific soups and one sandwich. Ha-ha! 

“The Sandwich”: Hot Honey Peach Prosciutto Sandwich from Mendocino Farms

There’s a Mendocino Farms right by my office. I love their fresh ingredients and seasonal chef creations. Two summers ago they came out with this Hot honey Peach & Prosciutto sandwich that knocked my socks off. Last summer I met the owner, he was trying to entice me to order catering from them for my office (I run food programs and so much more). I explained to him that I am in contract and tied to a budget that couldn’t accommodate their menu pricing. As a lull in the conversation presented itself, I immediately asked about “The Sandwich”! You see, it wasn’t just me that fell in love with this tantalizing dance of seasonal flavors, my colleague and I were both obsessed. They did offer a salad at one point that had some of the key elements, but it just wasn’t the same. We would occasionally mention “The Sandwich” to one another and we ‘d both get that far away, day dreamy look in our eyes,followed by a bowed head of sorrow, knowing we may never get to enjoy it again. 

This week my colleague came up to my desk and said, “It’s back!” and we laughed and talked about how often it would be appropriate to order “The Sandwich” without overdoing it and wearing out our obsession with it. He ordered one Tuesday, I had mine last night. As I opened the wrapper I thought it looked smaller than I recalled but I knew it had all the same ingredients so I was stoked! Y’all! “The Sandwich” is still very much “The Sandwich”! It is a little tough to describe but the saltiness of the prosciutto combined with the sweetness of the peaches and the zing from the honey and the crunch of the candied almonds and the peppery arugula, but honestly, the slab of fresh mozzarella is my favorite. It is so delightful I had to stop after the first bite and just relish in the moment. I snapped a pic to share because we all know the advertised pics are rarely accurate. “The Sandwich” is a flavor exploration! It’s crunchy and juicy but not too messy. Needless to say that I was very happy with my dinner choice last night. Ha ha!

Now, I would never consider myself a soup person. I rarely bother to try new soups or seek out soup options at restaurants let alone make them at home. However, there are two very special soups in my life that I will remember until my last breaths. The first being from my very first trip to Seattle in the nineties when my then-boyfriend (now ex-husband) and I went up to see what our options might be if we moved up there. I love Seattle. I had a wonderful friend from the old AOL days who lived there and he showed us around and took us to the now long gone Cafe Minnie’s on Denny Way, near the University. My friend Marc had insisted we try their creamy tomato soup. Sounded basic enough, so we went for it. The soup came with dinner rolls, too. When the soup arrived its aroma was this gorgeous mix of acidic tomato, nutty parmesan, and fresh cracked black peppercorns. When you sink your spoon into the wide bowl, it disappears under the layer of parmesan. The soup was creamy, but also had lovely small chunks of tomato, too. It was rich and unctuously perfect. Oh! The rolls? The server came back with a freshly microwaved bag of wheat dinner rolls from the grocery store and just plopped it in the center of our table. We laughed, it was perfect. When we visited again a year or so later, that soup was number one on our list. It was still so good! I believe it shut down during the second year of the ongoing covid pandemic. (We did not have digital cameras back then so I have no pictures of that glorious soup.)

And now for a legendary tale!

Many years ago my little friend group was at one of our houses near San Francisco and we were looking for dinner options nearby. It was the 1900’s, so we were perusing ye olde yellow pages (that’s in a phone book, the yellow pages were where businesses listed their information and advertisements), when we came across a Polish restaurant in the West Portal neighborhood called Old Krakow. We really didn’t know what to expect, but that night and meal was a bonding experience for our little crew. Old Krakow offered traditional Polish food that was made with love, with offerings of borscht and plenty of meat and potato dishes. I loved their pork cutlets that came with a halved, peeled, and roasted potato. The star of the show was truly something special, though, and not something you would expect to be so delighted by: Creamy mushroom soup. Yep, the humble fungi danced in a bowl of cream and herbs and truly healed us all that night. I mean it, we couldn’t stop talking about it. Though most of us lived about an hour away, we would still gather and make the drive up to the city for this simply divine soup now and then. We even tried to get the recipe from the chef one night when we closed the place and were chatting with the staff, but they only laughed and insisted it was a cherished secret. To this day if one of us mentions that soup we all get that far away look in our eyes, reminiscing our many evenings enjoying that mushroom soup.

Years later, I started a new job in January 2012 for a small candy company.  My first day on the job, my boss took me out to lunch. We pulled into this shopping area with lots of little shops and restaurants. We walked into this very small place called Bona. I had never heard of it, but she said I would like it and boy was she right! When I glanced at the menu and saw a creamy mushroom soup I had to at least try it, thinking it could still be good, but it could never be Old Krakow good. When I took the first bite of that mushroom soup, my heart sang! I was in disbelief, I just knew it was the same soup! Now this was about 45 minutes south of SF so there was no way I could have known. In fact Old Krakow had closed some years before this and we never found another Polish place. But this was THE SOUP! I asked the server and they explained that it is the same owner, same chef, same recipes! I called my friends that night after work and told them we had to go! And we did and it was like a family reunion sort of. Haha! We were reunited with our beloved soup! Bona is now gone, too. I have not yet tracked down that chef or former owner to find that soup again, but you just never know!

Yes, there are other meals that were actual meals that were memorable and dazzling in their own ways. In fact, the exact spot where I was reunited with that beloved mushroom soup at Bona, later became a lovely Italian place called Piccolo. There I had my first taste of prosciutto with cantaloupe slices, delightful! But then I had this entree of little bundles/pouches of fresh pasta filled with pear and ricotta in a light gorgonzola sauce: Transcendent! I went back a few times and only ever had those two dishes, they were that good. Now Piccolo is also gone. I was lucky to catch those two restaurants in that little shopping area years ago. I will never forget them. 

When I used to work a corporate job and traveled for work, I would often fly up to Portland Oregon, which was my favorite to visit. We had an office in Tigard, just on the outskirts of Portland proper. I would stay at the Phoenix Inn and walk across the street into the business park (Washington Square mal is across the street in the other direction, if you know the area) to the office. In that same parking lot was a Gustav’s. Gustav’s is a German restaurant, family friendly, slightly upscale but not too fancy or fussy. I would sit at the bar and enjoy a blackberry margarita while waiting for my schnitzel order to go. That margarita was so good with fresh blackberry puree and by the time I finished it my food would be ready. So I would walk back to my hotel, a little buzzed, to-go bag in one hand, Marlboro Light in the other, just blissed out as all get out. Ha-ha! Then once in my room I would sit on the second queen sized bed (I didn’t book my own rooms, I don’t know why they always gave me two queens, so I used one for food and one for sleep hahaha) and eat my Schnitzel. Now this was a flattened chicken breast flayed open, like a butterfly, if you will. They laid this gorgeous roasted/pan seared chicken on an equally gorgeously roasted portobello mushroom cap, all laid upon a generous pile of garlic mashed potatoes with big roasted cloves running through it. Every time I visited I followed that same routine, and wouldn’t change a thing. Years later I brought my husband and friends to that Gustav’s, too. There used to be 3 locations in the Portland area. They loved that margarita and the Schnitzel! Now if I mention Gustav’s they go, “Aw! Gustav’s!” in unison. It is a cherished memory.

The last meal that was memorable like this for me is somewhat bittersweet. It was December of 2019, I had just begun to take some solo vacations that fall, and this was my second. I flew into Seattle to visit a friend and check out the Pop Culture museum (formerly the Experience Music Project). After spending a whole day at the museum I wanted something special for dinner. So I cruised around Aurora Ave N in Capitol Hill near where I was staying and came across a little bistro. Now I cannot recall the name, though I am sure I could find it if I was there again, nor really even the specific dishes I had. What I do remember is that it was the end of their happy hour specials and so I ordered a bunch of small plates at a great price and sat in the corner alone in a mostly empty restaurant when it suddenly began to fill up. Each dish was so good and well thought out. The ingredients were fresh and fantastic. I know there was a salad with beets and a lovely steak dish, maybe with chimichurri, and something with a bunch of mushrooms that I delighted in. The tough part was that every time I tasted a new dish I was so blown away that it felt like such a shame to not have anyone to share it with. When I was finished and waiting for my bill, I went to use the restroom but the place was packed by then and I had to squeeze behind already squished together chairs and table configurations. It felt like it took ages, but once back at my table, I finished my cocktail, paid my bill, and walked out and down the street in sheer bliss. I love Seattle. It feels like the nineties there to me. You still see band flyers on telephone poles there. The air is heavier but in a comforting way for me. It just has good energy. I also made a friend via tinder on that same trip, we still text sometimes. Seattle has never done me wrong. I hope to visit again many times in the future. I have not traveled or been on a plane since. Thanks, covid.

Tell me about your most memorable meals or sandwiches and soups! I wanna hear your stories! Sometimes it is fun flavor combos and other times it is the company we keep that makes meals more memorable. It is such a connecting and bonding thing to experience and share. I think it is a part of who we are as a species and how we have survived. When we can let go of judgements, obligations, responsibilities, and just leave the world to be what it is, and just sit down and enjoy something special with someone. It’s magic! When we give our attention and care, and yes even love, to a dish or a moment or a place, we give ourselves the opportunity to feel all that goodness, too. How lovely?!

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I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

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Content Warning: I mention and use images to discuss and take apart the things people attribute to being healthy or unhealthy, I do not believe these things as I explain below. My use of said images is meant to be sarcastic and in no way promotes this toxic bullshit, I assure you.

WHO THOUGHT THIS BS UP?! IT’S TERRIBLE! STOP!!!

“Health is wealth, and I’m broke, so that’s all I’m after! Ha-ha!” he said with a hearty chuckle after no less than three people stood around my desk talking about their individual and collective weight loss successes and how they each achieved it in different ways. I wanted to growl at them, loudly. There’s no use in reasoning with people like this. The one with manners then apologized to me for being so distracting. If only they knew how absolutely full of shit each of them truly is! Ha-ha! The “Health is wealth” one admitted they no longer eat dinner and only half the lunch portion they used to consume. The classier of the three gets just shy of evangelizing, “Keto! You either know it or you don’t, but once you start you’ll never want to stop, it’s brilliant!” It was all I could do to pretend to ignore the entire conversation just feet away from me. Internally I may have rolled my eyes so hard the southern hemisphere rippled. (Also, none of these three has ever been fat a day in their lives!)

(Image of small illustrated holiday tree with the following written above it:
Reminder: we don’t have to continue holiday traditions that leave us broke, overwhelmed, and tired.)

*Aprox. 11 minute read

I came across this image and text whilst scrolling my FB feed and I instantly clicked and shared it to my own timeline, but then it wouldn’t leave my mind immediately and I realized just how much I’m processing and working through so much of my own stuff around this time of the year. My own current circumstances may differ than many/most, but I hope to alleviate some of the negative things we all think about and carry with us through this complicated season. This isn’t about religion at all, for me or for this post, but more about family dynamics, consumerism, societal obligations, and general toxic behaviors. I hope you will comment below with your own thoughts and feels and advice if you have them to share. These thoughts and feels are my own, no matter how unpopular. Ha!

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The media and marketers want us to buy into the idea that “The Holidays” are about family, togetherness, giving, kindness, celebration, gratitude, helping those in need, etc. What that really looks and feels like in our actual lives is often very different. And even if it is still about those things, it doesn’t mean that’s what we’re actually feeling while in the midst of it all. It’s more often than not the most stressful, saddest, toughest, coldest, rudest, and most triggering time of year. I personally feel that the brunt of this hustle and bustle and work and emotional labor (not to mention the shopping, gift wrapping, housekeeping, cooking and such for these gatherings) falls on women almost exclusively, but that isn’t what this post is about. This is about the toll these things take on us. The impact they have on our quality of life and most of all the trauma we endure and ultimately have to carry as a result of it all.

Yes, I said Trauma. It’s a heavy word, but necessary. We are exposed to people, places, and things at this time of year that we just aren’t the rest of the year. There’s the travel aspect if that’s something you must go through to visit with family. As a fat bodied individual, you are subject to an entirely different set of rules if traveling by aircraft on a commercial airline. You may be forced to buy two seats, you may be forced off of a flight you’ve already boarded, you may be abused or assaulted by fellow travelers and even airline personnel. This is something we accept as part of the privilege of air travel, but it is traumatic. You can plan for everything, but the world still chooses (IT IS A CHOICE!!!) to oppress fat people throughout the world. It might be the only time of year you travel because of this. You might be preparing for your travels now and considering if it’s truly worth it or not. This doesn’t even bring the financial impact of air travel into this equation, but I’ll get to that shortly. You do this to be with Family! Your Loved ones! They would do it for you…right?!

Family traditions! Oh, the warm and fuzzy wholesomeness of being Home with Family for The Holidays! Right?! Isn’t that what this is all about? Every family has their own traditions and rituals or ceremonies. My family would go to Midnight mass after spending Christmas Eve at one of my grandparents’ home for a big dinner. The next morning we’d open our gifts at home but then rush over to our other grandparents’ house for the opening of more presents, followed by a full day and evening of family revelry. We’d usually get home late, exhausted (I often had to be carried to the car or into the house after passing out), but full of that family love that everyone hopes to have in their lives forever. I just didn’t realize I would only have it for 13 years. Ha-ha!

That’s not always so close to reality, that wholesome image. Often, families at this time of year consist of a variety of personalities, values, and beliefs. Sometimes those beliefs are outdated and downright damaging. But we’re expected to remain silent (especially women!) and “just try to enjoy the holiday!” So what exactly are we getting together to celebrate here? If we have to just shut up and sit down for this shit, we become part of our own oppression. Wait! Aren’t we supposed to be celebrating togetherness?!

Okay, okay…Family! Maybe your extended family isn’t toxic. Awesome! You sit around the dinner table passing all those delicious homemade dishes you’ve been looking forward to. Grandma’s pie and Auntie’s casserole, but the minute you take a helping for yourself all eyes are on your plate! If it’s only that you’re lucky. Often our worst food and body policing come from those who claim they love us most, Family. If it’s not monitoring your portions or actual food choices, it’s comments on your body, unsolicited diet advice, mentions of abusive ex-boyfriends (okay, that one’s personal), and more. I don’t care what they say, they are not concerned about your health at all! If they were they wouldn’t make you feel like absolute shit for simply inhabiting a fat body! It isn’t your fault! You have done nothing wrong!

The foodstuff doesn’t seem to end, really. If it’s not one holiday feast it’s another, or a potluck at work, it’s always something! And there is always some miserable ninny who will ooh and aah at all those delightful and delicious delectables, only to loudly shame and blame anyone actually eating the fucking food! I hate this person, and I don’t care who they are! This person hates themselves, hard! This person is mad at you for not feeling as bad as they do. This person will steal joy from a toddler! Seriously! Unforgivable! There must be some requirement for every company ever to hire this person. UGH!!! Anyway, fuck them, enjoy and nourish yourself!

The financial impact of this season is perhaps toughest of all. How many of us have gone into debt all in the name of giving? Or had to go without necessities yourself so that you could give to those you love? I get it. It’s hard to make those choices. And I don’t know what it’s like to have the added pressure of having kids who expect things this time of year. I grew up poor, but my grandparents always made sure we didn’t go without too much. Though being an 80’s kid (born in ’77, after all), it was the height of the toy craze. I’m kind of glad about this part in a way, I mean even now I never really want or expect the newest/coolest/hottest/top of the line anything! Ha!

For me, one of the worst parts of this time of year is the societal obligations and phoniness. People you know who outright hate you will somehow make you feel as though you should be buying them a special gift just for knowing they exist. Then there are the competitive gifters! You know the type. You think you got them a nice, thoughtful gift and then they get you something ridiculous like fucking plane tickets or some nonsense (I realize how that sounds, I’m a very untrusting human, because that very thing happened to me). There’s just so damned much you’re “supposed to do” because of what time of year it is and that just stinks, in my opinion! Even if you aren’t religious, there’s this whole American way of consumerism that drives folks out in hordes, and often against each other, all in the name of bargains. It’s disgusting. (I worked retail for ten years.)

Look, it isn’t all terrible. I love the smell of the crisp, late-autumn air! Few things in this world exhilarate me like that or fresh and new rains (it’s so rare in California, I cherish every drop!). The scent of douglas firs and pine and veggies roasting in a hot oven. I love giving gifts most of all and take it very seriously! But the pressures of the holidays are just too fucking much, dude! Gift giving is my love language and let me tell you, I have been hurt and burned far too many times. Now I hold back, I can’t just give because I want to anymore. Not just because I’m broke as fuck, but because often folks don’t know how to handle a thoughtful gift, given directly from the heart. It can be too intense for some.

I’m voluntarily estranged from my family as I write this. I’m also divorced, single (no romantic partner to speak of, not that I’m prioritizing that at all right now, obv.), and unemployed, living alone for the first time in my life.  I don’t know how to feel this year. Mostly just terrified for my survival, but aside from that, how does one celebrate when all of the trappings of the season do not apply? How can I not let all the past traumas of my life drag me down in my darkest hour as these dates approach? I am fortunate to have an incredible friend group who feels more like family (most of the time) than my own ever has. But they each have their own families to celebrate with. I’m not “Oh woe is me!” over here, I am simply looking at patterns and behaviors and society more critically these days.

I used to love Christmas! I would wear Santa hats and eat a candy cane every day with glee! In my town, we have a Candy Cane Lane where all the houses in the neighborhood decorate and the fire department gives out candy canes to the kids, and families and couples stroll along the sidewalks in the evenings. It’s really lovely and special (and you probs have one in your town, too), and I miss all of those feelings that used to go along with all of that. I miss my grandma and my aunt Jo and I can’t ever think about this time of year without them, their warm and inviting homes and arms, their cooking and hilarious banter. This year especially! I have never felt more alone in the world in my entire life! Not lonely, mind you. I just miss what family meant back when ya know? I miss the matriarchs of my family in a deep and cutting way I can’t quite put into words.

This time of year also brings up a lot of memories of my adolescence, like my first love. We met just 1 week before Christmas. I’d sneak out at night and walk around my neighborhood with them or sneak them in my window and just kiss and hold each other for hours. I don’t know how I never got caught! Ha-ha! It felt so romantic though, to be freezing cold out, but so full of warmth from a connection between two people. It didn’t last long, but it is still fresh in my mind and I just haven’t ever had to think about this time of year as a single, solo, independent human. It feels complicated! Ha! I’m glad to have my own space and safe place to live. I just miss having someone to stay in and keep warm with.

Facing December without a job is so tough! Most companies won’t start hiring until mid-January when the new budgets come out. So I have to just stick it out and hope for the best. I have been applying to allllll the jobs and have already had a bunch of interviews, but these things take time. Patience I have, but money I do not. I’m actually far worse off financially than ever before in my life, and I know I have published those exact words the last time I would out of work. I can assure you that this time it is far worse. C’est la vie!

I share all of my absurdities because I want you to know that it’s okay to question what has “always been”. It’s okay to not want to do things that you didn’t or don’t get to have a say in. It’s perfectly awesome to start or create your own new traditions and rituals, with whomever you choose! Seriously, what other point to adulthood is there?!  You get to decide what you will and won’t stand for in your life and in your celebrations. There will always be hard times, complicated feels and so much to navigate through this time of year. You can choose to opt out or to opt-in, in whatever way feels right for you!

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If you do not have a support system of your own for the coming festivities, I offer my unbiased and empathetic ears/eyes. Send me an email, take a load off your mind or chest or whatever, I get it and I’m here for ya! notblueatall@notblueatall.com I’m also on some other apps and things if you need real-time support. I don’t yet know what my plans are for celebrating if I even feel like it at the time. But I’m always glad to be able to provide some emotional support for someone who truly needs it.

What gets you through a difficult holiday season? How do you prioritize your own self-care? What helps you stay away from self-destructive behaviors when it’s so easy to fall into those traps? What is your favorite part of this time of year? Least favorite? How do you stay true to your beliefs when surrounded by others toxic behaviors? Do you have a new tradition or ritual you started? Do you have a fave handmade item or recipe you’re proud of? I wanna hear it all!

Thank you so much for your continued love and support! I have been truly touched by the kindness and generosity of the readers of this blog. My fat community has been such a bright light in a dark time. You have my undying gratitude and affection!

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

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*Trigger Warning for Food Issues

I have not been taking very good care of myself. I have been trying but then I let things slide or drop or actually do myself a disservice or harm. Ugh!  I don’t know why I do it or how it starts but I am trying very hard, now, to not let it happen again.

I have been pushing myself and practicing everyday (except Sunday) for my dance number. I have some injuries that I’m having to work through and deal with, but that’s not really the worst part. The worst part is that I’ve been so busy and happy and excited and tired and caffeinated that I haven’t been eating. It’s ridiculous and stupid, but it’s the truth. There were at least four days last week where I didn’t eat any solid food (read: coffee and water) until after 8pm. And even then it was little things like a banana, a plum, a yogurt or a small salad or a single piece of chicken. There were other days where I later wondered if I’d have eaten at all had I not been around other humans.

I feel really dumb for allowing myself to neglect my body’s needs. My brain needs food to function properly. My body needs fuel to move and to heal. Now here I am just days away from my very first solo dance performance in over seventeen years and I feel unprepared. I feel afraid and ashamed. I keep seriously considering bailing out of it. I’ve never been a quitter, though.

I tell myself that I am losing sight of the point of it all: Joy! Dance brings me joy and gives me so much pleasure. So why put so much pressure on myself? Why become my own worst enemy? Why am I hurting my body while trying to connect with it at the same time? Doesn’t make a lick of sense if you ask me.

The thing is, I was doing really well! I was conserving as much as I could and trying to establish a sort of routine in my new life of constant job hunting. I was buying my favorite summer fruits and veggies and getting a kick out of making fun and randomly put together meals for myself and then *poof* it went away somehow.

Stress always makes me lose my appetite. I know this, I was working on staying calm and not thinking about things I can’t fix or take action on and just living in the present, staying mindful of how I felt. All that jazz. I guess I shouldn’t be analyzing “where it all went wrong” and should instead be facing forward and just doing better now and tomorrow.

But I do feel like I not only let myself down, but my community, too. It’s silly, I know! Again, more unnecessary self pressure. Ugh! How can I represent my community and be a better activist, writer, blogger, person…if I’m not taking care of my most basic needs?! So this is where I’m at.

I just want to hit the giant reset button and forget about my failures. I’m allowed that, right? Maybe I’m being so hard on myself because I don’t feel that I deserve the amount of happy I was feeling last week. It was a lot, lemme tell ya! I never felt like I should be allowed to feel so good without somehow earning it. I don’t know why I’m struggling with the things I am right now. Unworthiness about a lot of things, not least of which is being in love with my gorgeous boyfriend and all the happy he makes me. Why can’t I just accept and enjoy it?

Look, I’m hormonal and emotional and maybe tomorrow I will feel so silly for being so tough on myself. Maybe I’ve been spending too much time alone. I don’t know. I know that when this post goes live I will already be on the road to Portland and I hope this trip is everything I think it will be. I will be packing myself lots of snacks and fruits for the ride so I won’t continue this ridiculous disordered eating pattern. I fully intend to enjoy every moment I can and share it all with you, too!

<3
S

(Trigger Warning: Food issues)

When I am not feeling like myself, as was the case yesterday (and really the day before as well), I have found that I also don’t treat myself as kindly as I should or would like to. I tend to let a lot of things slide. Specifically, eating food. Mind you, I’ll almost always manage to get some coffee/caffeine in me, but only to stave off the inevitable headache. Yes, I did not eat until 7:30 pm yesterday and of this I am ashamed. I know better. I had food in the house. I just wasn’t feeling well, and obviously not thinking straight either.

I recall the long ago days when I was 19 and 20 years old living on little more than Taco Bell, Lean Cuisine and Jose Cuervo. Blegh! I could never do that to myself again. I know I was so depressed and truly suffering through the worst of my PTSD at the time (though I hadn’t a clue then) but I also didn’t really know how to eat or care for myself, either. How could I? I know at one point my grandma was worried about me and would pack me lunches for work, even though I lived and worked twenty miles away. Gawd how I miss her. Not because of the lunches, mind you, but her caring and loving and sense of humor and hugs most of all.

It is when I am not taking care of myself that I am truly letting myself, and those I care about, down. My grandma would scold me for not eating all day like I did yesterday. I can picture the face she’d give me and then I know she’d dash into the kitchen and rustle up some combination of simple, filling and awesome. When my family had so little, we always had Sunday dinner at grandma’s house. I looked forward to it all week! My favorite was the simple little green salad she’d serve before the main course. I didn’t even know what courses were back then, but I knew salad was so special and rare and my favorite!

I suppose growing up in a food insecure household meant that continuing food issues would be inevitable. I hadn’t realized just how much of our childhoods affected us as adults, on this topic specifically, until two weeks ago when I literally had nothing to eat in the house and relied on B for dinner one evening and felt like utter shit for it. He made no bones about it, of course, but how I felt was so triggering and awful that the next morning I went to the grocery store and spent $100 on groceries just to be able to breathe again. *Sigh*

I think I have used not eating as a way of feeling as though I am in control of something in my life when so much is truly out of my control. Like this one thing? I got this! Ugh! This is not who I am or want to be. I have worked very hard to break these patterns and behaviors. So why does it pop back up so suddenly now? Really things are going great for the most part. I just need a job! That’s it! So simple, three letters, all the difference in the fucking universe! I would have at least some relief if I knew whether I’d be getting unemployment money coming or not. I should be getting the word any day now, but it’s killing me! I just need to know so I can find another means of paying my rent in time if need be. I don’t know how I’ll do that, but I’m sure I’ll hustle something up somehow.

I also felt like a big phony faker on Sunday night and I hated myself for it. I went to my BFF’s birthday dinner and felt lousy and truly didn’t want to be there. My boyfriend (OMZ! I cannot believe I have a boyfriend! Ha-ha!) was supposed to go with me, but had work stuff to tend to. It was nice to drive up with “Q” but I think even she could tell I wasn’t the usual me. I did my best not to show how yucky I was feeling, but inside I just wanted to run the fuck away and hide under the covers. But I missed Steph so much and so rarely get to see her and if I’d bailed this time I knew she’d hunt me down and kill me! Ha-ha! It wasn’t that I had a horrible time or anything, but I did have to sort of grin and bare it through the evening. I felt like an alien, to be honest. I felt like I was surrounded by all of these smart and put together people with cool jobs and awesome lives and adult problems and here I am barely able to hold it together. Ugh!

Today is a new day and I shall treat it as such. I know how to care for myself, certainly better than the last few days. I will be more mindful of how I am feeling and listen carefully to what my body needs. I distinctly recall three times yesterday where I heard my stomach growling and rather than paying attention and providing food/fuel for my body and brain I actually thought to myself, “Ugh! Why are you growling? Shut up!” Whoa! NOT ME! I guess I just needed some comforting and didn’t know how or who to ask for it. I mean, I don’t think anyone else even knew or could know at the time that I needed such a thing, maybe I didn’t even know. I know now. But I also know that I wasn’t doing much to comfort myself.

Self care takes many forms. First and foremost should be the basics like food and water. I have not struggled with that part in so long I guess I actually forgot for a bit there just how that felt and can spiral into worse. I am glad that I was able to recognize it before it got out of hand. I know that I used to starve myself rather than ask to borrow a dollar from a single soul back in those Lean Cuisine and Tequila days. Older and wiser, eh? Ha-ha! Okay, I can do this. I will do this…there is no try, only do! 😉