Did someone hit the rewind button or something? It feels like January all of a sudden! I am suddenly being bombarded with weight loss talk and WLS talk on my Facebook feed and I DO NOT LIKE!!! The bullshit of “lose weight = healthy” is happening and I feel like I need to scream at people! I know that’s ineffective and so I don’t.

This is what I posted on my Facebook page before filtering said people:

I do my best to surround myself with positivity and love. It is no small effort that I can live in and love my fat body, but I do it because it is worth it and what is best for me. Because of this I can no longer accept or ignore the “diet” and “weight loss” talk I’ve been seeing an increase of on my FB feed. I respect everyone’s individual choice to do what’s right for themselves. However, I will be removing your posts from my personal feed. If you find that I’m not “liking” or interacting with you on FB, now you know why. Feel free to message me to say “Hi” or check in. Thank you in advance for understanding. 🙂

I think everyone in my life, even peripherally, knows how I feel about this stuff by now. If not, well, I’m surprised, but that has got to be by choice. I have been surprised by who has been posting diet/WLS stuff, but at the same time I know it has nothing to do with me. The information is out there, it is their choice. It has nothing to do with me. This doesn’t mean that I have to bare witness to it either. My mental health is mine to protect and so I must do all I can.

I often hear peeps talk about how much they hate FB…but it really is what you make of it. I can think of no better way for me to stay in touch and involved in the activism and fatty groups I love. I am inspired daily by the people and the things that they post. It is rare that something bothers me on my feed and I’m usually not shy to speak up when it does. But this sudden burst by a select few has me wondering and questioning and so the above post felt necessary. I don’t want them to feel like I’ve turned my back, I still value them and want to know them, but I cannot expose myself to that shit any longer.

I hope that we can all find a way to cultivate what nurtures us in our lives. I know it’s not always easy, and really what is, but it is necessary for us to be happy. I am doing my best to not waste time and energy on folks who don’t or can’t respect that or me. It’s been super hard and I’ve withdrawn to protect myself, I know. I feel like the ones who care let me know and I them. The ones who don’t? Their silence and absence in my life speaks volumes.

I shall remain open to the good things in this world and this life, even if that means getting hurt far more than I care to admit. I am learning to protect myself in many ways for the first time in my life. I find that I am often fighting my own old patterns and instincts to get to where I need to be. I need to learn how to speak up when shit feels so very wrong, because they do! I have had this deep gut feeling for a couple of weeks now that something is horribly wrong and being kept from me and I just don’t know what the hell to do with that. So, I’m listening but letting it be at the same time.

<3
S

Friday was a full day, a busy day, and a fulfilling day. I am usually off on Fridays, but my boss is out of town and a delivery had to be made to San Francisco and so, yeah…I did that. I also got up way before I’d planned to and threw my laundry in the washer. The day seemed to have it’s own pace, with or without my say or influence. I actually woke up smiling (the previous night’s date still fresh on my mind)! There is just something about a Friday that always makes things seem like they are about to be so much better. It helped that it was sunny out, too.

After running around all day and chilling out with B and the puggyman that evening, I found myself in a very silly moment of self-pity/disappointment. I thought to myself, “Why am I home on a Friday night?!” but I immediately checked myself, looked up at the stars and thought, “Fuck that! I am so grateful to have this moment of peace in so much chaos.” and smiled (because I’ve been doing a lot of that lately).

I don’t know where the notion of being or going out meant anything other than simply that. Whether or not I have plans on a given day should bare no weight one way or the other. I had had a very full day and a long week, actually. I had to laugh at the absurdity of these thoughts, but that’s gotta be progress, eh? Ha-ha!

It feels like everyone around me is feeling their age or the passage of time lately. People have stopped believing that I’m 35 years old when I tell them. Yet it’s been twenty years since Dazed and Confused hit theaters. What?! I know! Ha! Last night when I looked up at the stars and laughed at myself, I began to think of how connected we are and to the universe itself. We’re all made of the same elements. It’s beautiful! It is moments like that when I realize just how much I/we take so much for granted. It really is the simplest of things in this world that can bring the most pleasure.

When someone suggested that I run for president I had to laugh (but thank you for saying it, you’re so very sweet). I thought about that again this morning in the shower. People like me just couldn’t fit in that sort of political environment. But you know, I know that I have impacted people, connected with them and even helped people. It never ceases to amaze me when I get an email from someone willing to share their story with me or tell me how I made them realize something about themselves or take control of their life. I try not to think about that stuff when I write because I think deep down I haven’t entirely accepted it.

I’m just me. I share my story and my ideas and thoughts because I know what it feels like to think you’re a complete freak of nature for feeling something or experience something. It’s only when we find out that we’re not the only one to feel that way or go through something that we can begin to heal. I just want to do all I can to have the best quality of life that I can with what I’ve got, ya know?

I’m excited for the future, but so grateful for the present moment. It is so lovely, so fleeting. It makes me feel more alive to know that I’ve done good in the world while so stoked for the chance to do more! So I will stay in on a Friday night, I will give myself every opportunity to reflect in those quiet moments. And I thank you, my wonderful readers, friends and supporters, for giving me so much back.

Rad Fatty Love to you ALL!
<3
Sarah

How have y’all been liking the videos? Do you prefer them to text? Please let me know. I enjoy both, but haven’t really heard feedback in awhile so hit me up! 😉

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Worthiness & Approval: Heavy stuff, eh? Well, it’s what I’ve been swimming in lately and as many good days as I’ve had, I think I’ve had as many bad ones. It is interesting how differently my mind works now. Is 30+ like the second or third age of reason?! Ha-ha! I see everything so differently now that I have to wonder what the next phase will be like, ya know?

I’m constantly telling people they are worthy. They are! YOU ARE! I am…we’re all worthy of all of the love and energy and goodness in the world. I talk all of the damned time about loving and supporting yourself and being the best you that you can be and all of that. But I still have moments where I feel a weighty sense of unworthiness. In fact it seems it’s been coming up a lot more lately and I don’t know why.

I have certain friendships/relationships with people that I admire and respect and look up to the person so much that while I get super excited to spend time with them, I feel so fucking unworthy of their presence in my life at all. Sometimes the urge to flake or bail will be so strong that it will take everything in me to leave the house. I don’t know where this is coming from, but it’s there. Confessing this to a glorious bad ass yesterday on Facebook gave me some relief and pause when she admitted feeling the same. Wha?! I know! We’re all too awesome for this shizz!

Then the other night whilst talking with B about I don’t know what I had a revelation, I seek attention not because I hate being alone or am uncomfortable with my own company and solitude, but because I was neglected so very much as a child. Some may call this a cop out, but I don’t. It suddenly all clicked for me! I don’t like how much our childhoods shape our future, but damn it, they sure as fuck do!

How do I know this to be true? Because I have been spending copious amounts of time alone on purpose. Mostly to create space where I feel it’s necessary and because I’ve been listening to my gut more now than ever. I have this very strong gut feeling that there is a lot being kept from me by those I love and care for most. It hurts a lot, but I don’t know what it could be or why. So I have been trying to find peace with that somehow because there ain’t shit I can do about it.

I’m still processing all of the stuff from my Ohio trip, but I’m mostly okay with all of that. I will be talking more about that stuff and how it’s changed my perspective on a lot of things. I guess you could say that I’ve had a lot on my mind. Ha-ha! It’s all a bit much, actually, but I’m doing my best to work through it, I know it’s worth it and sorting it out will heal me. *Sigh*

I’m pushing myself out of my comfort zone as often as I can to make sure that I am learning and growing and experience all I can, while I can. (I’ve even gone on a few dates!) It’s all so fun and exciting, but again I’m also trying to give myself time to process things and not wanting to get too caught up in a temporary feeling by making any permanent choices, ya know? *DeepBreath*

I know time is the answer to a lot of my “problems” and so I am working towards patience. I am working towards forgiveness and letting go, too. Others baggage can no longer hold me back and I’m unpacking my own as quickly as I can. It is in the present that I want to live and towards the future where my hope belongs. My head and my heart will follow suit, of this I’m sure. It will just take time.   😉

<3
Sarah

Thanks for the support and an update on me and stuff. Ha-ha!

Ahhh air travel! What was once an elite and glamorous adventure into the great space beyond the clouds is now more of a cattle call of shared discomfort and bitterness. While I’m no longer a nervous flyer thanks to my old career that required regular air travel, I do still get that pang of “Please don’t pick on the fatty!” when waiting to board a plane.

I have traveled all over the United States and four E.U. countries. Every time I board a plane I make eye contact with the first flight attendant I encounter, smile and ask for a seat belt extender, “Hi, may I use a seat belt extender? I’m in 26E. Thank you!” and head directly to my seat. I have worked in customer service since I was 10 years old. I treat all service professionals this way. Occasionally they will have one handy and offer it up right away, but usually they come find me once most people have boarded. I have never been asked to buy a second seat; I have never been removed from a flight for any reason. I weigh 325 lbs and have 62″ hips (around), I am pear shaped and have semi-broad shoulders, too. I typically have one small wheelie suitcase and one “personal item”; this time it was my NAAFA tote bag. I say this to give you an idea of my experience and thought process. I am in no way saying it is the “right” or “proper” way of doing anything.

This recent trip to Ohio gave me pause for many reasons, but I have to admit that I was anxious about the air travel portion because I was traveling with someone I really didn’t know very well and wasn’t sure if they would have my back if a “pick on the fatty” situation arose. Our departing flight from SFO to Chicago on American Airlines was a full flight…Oh no! This was a warning sign, right? Well, it was uncomfortable as hell, but no issues to report. That’s the thing, though, flying ain’t comfortable! But I always fly coach.

Our connecting flight to Dayton, Ohio was on one of those teeny commuter planes. The kind with two seats on one side of the aisle and one seat on the other. I’d been on one of those once before, to LAX and it was the first time a flight attendant walked up to me, lifted the arm rest (it was the aisle side one) and said, “I want you to be comfortable, sweety.” and smiled. Nice! This one wasn’t bad, I was once again in the single seat and it was a short flight, no worries.I will say that on both of the commuter planes on this trip I was asked to check my bag at the gate (I think they called it “Valet service” or something), but I just picked it up in the exact same place when we landed.

Our return flights were even better than the first leg, again American Airlines. In fact on the flight back to SFO the flight attendant remembered me when I asked for a seat belt extender, I didn’t even get my entire request out, she was awesome. I mean, she sees hundreds if not thousands of people every week and she remembered me fondly. I was touched, but kept wondering if it was my red hair or my fatness or simply that I smiled and was friendly to her that she remembered me. Ha-ha! Not only that, but the flight was barely half full and thus we all had plenty of room and I was quite comfortable. Woot!

I share all of this with you not to brag or be unbearably boring, but to let you know that a (bad ass) fat ass like me can fly without discrimination (that I was aware of, am I right?). All flight crew I encountered with American Airlines was friendly and helpful, though I didn’t ask for anything but the extenders and refused beverage service. I didn’t lose any luggage or get extra screening at security. Am I just lucky? Maybe. Am I confident and semi-assertive? A bit. But mostly, I am just me. I try not to have expectations for such things and know that no one is comfortable in these situations. I try my best to go with the flow and not make waves, as it were.  I know this goes against my usual “Damn the man!” attitude, but being in a tight, crowded space is for me not the moment to be a mouthpiece for anything but myself. When/if I ever am singled out for my fatness (and bodaciousness, oh yeah!), I only hope that I will have it in me to speak up for myself.

Thanks for reading.
Rad Fatty Love to you All,
<3
Sarah