I had a whirlwind of a weekend. I had two lovely friends celebrating birthdays and wanted to do all I could to make sure they had a great one. I had no idea what was in store for me, but apparently I was game for anything. Ha-ha! I had a job interview and a quickie photo shoot on Friday. Both went splendidly, then I headed up to visit the lovely Laura in Northern California. She always treats me like royalty and I wanted her to feel as special as she always makes me feel.

We ate, we drank and we watched Casablanca. Okay, I watched Casablanca. Poor Laura was pooped and fell asleep a third of the way in. Ha-ha! We slept in and ate a wonderful breakfast from Black Bear Cafe and tried to make our big plans for Saturday night. Again, I had no idea what we would be doing, but I was ready for a good time! We talked about what she wanted to do but ultimately, we ended up going to a BBW club I said I would never return to (or support) again. What can I say, she’s a fantastic friend, it was her birthday and she literally begged me to go (and paid for me to as well). I couldn’t say no. (And for the record I loathe begging, but it was a special and sweet case.)

When the hotel turned out to be booked up for someone’s big 40th anniversary party I offered for these two lovely ladies to stay at my house if we got a cab to and from the club. I won’t lie, I was not looking forward to going, but I was happy to be in such good company and the cocktails sure helped! Ha! We primped and prepped at my place and laughed and drank and finally made it to the club around midnight (fashionably late?). I’d only just met Ashley that morning, but she and I soon became fast friends. As Laura was chatting and being the social butterfly that she is Ashley and I grabbed drinks and hit the dance floor. Well, the music sucked (as always, for real! Transitions aren’t that hard, yo! And let’s keep playing the same songs for life…NOT!) but there was a couple of gems and I got in one request in the end (though I asked the DJ myself I ended up having to get someone else to ask him again before it got played).

We got our dance on, our drinks on and Laura got some piercings on! Woooo! I won’t say what or where, but it was a piercing party and the birthday girl got treated to some bling. 😉 We closed the place down and shuffled our drunk asses outside. I was wearing this Eshakti dress in Red with a black petticoat from ChicStar.com underneath. I looked and felt like a doll! I love that dress and it was only the second time I’d worn it. While we were outside waiting for our taxi I suddenly felt the urge to lean and quickly found a little post to lean on. Then it was apparent that I wasn’t moving anytime soon, worse than that, it was all about to go downhill from there.

These two girls, my lovely friends, were so kind and sweet and caring and loving. I cannot sing their praises enough! They tried to get me to walk or drink water but I knew it was too late, I very quickly and pointedly threw up in the bushes. Luckily the sprinklers turned on literally the moment I puked the first time. It was kind of perfect! In the cab Ashley kept me steady and sane and breathing and lectured the driver on what “easy” means. Ha-ha! Had to pull over twice, sadly, but we made it back to mine in one piece, unscathed.

I do not know how I got so drunk, I didn’t think I’d had very much, but we were celebrating and I haven’t had much more than wine in quite awhile. And I broke my own 1/1 water/alcohol rule. Boo! I managed to not ruin or mess my dress and apparently was quite lady like throughout the entire thing. Sadly, I did throw up for hours, but I also woke up not feeling like death warmed over and for that I am eternally grateful to Laura & Ashley. Those troopers really took care of me. We all had a great time and that was what it was all about.

Sunday afternoon I got to spend some time with my favorite guy and see his apartment for the first time. Oh that boy! He turns my brains to goo, I tell ya! In my hilariously drunken state the night before, I’d come up with the perfect “move” for every scenario, if you know what I mean, but when I was in the moment, I was too tired and too chickenshit to do anything. Ha-ha! Just as well, probably. It was so lovely just to see him and hang out and stuff. 🙂

Then I had to dash off to my BFF Stephy’s b-day dinner with my other BFF “Q”. It was nice, but my stomach was not feeling good so I took it slow and made the most of it. It was super great to see Steph and her guy and just chat and chill. Haven’t done that in ages. Some quality time with her kitty Rocky was a delightful surprise, too. We all love that little guy, but he’s been very sick for quite awhile and we’re all worried about him. Got home around midnight and pretty much just crashed.

Today has been mellow…on purpose. I just need to like not do things today, ya know? I did take care of a DMV thing and applied to jobs and stuff, so I’m not completely irresponsible. But I’m still super tired and just need to take it easy and reset, so to speak. In the end it was a great time pretty much all weekend (except for those few hours of vomiting, Ha!) and I got to see so many people that I love dearly. All worth it, I’d say. Happy to be alive and well and live another day, that is for sure. 😉

<3
S

I’m all full of blah this week, darlings. Well, part blah, part snark. It all began with hormones and all the feels and now I’m just sort of over it. I’m just plugging away applying to all the jobs that I possibly can and trying to not freak out or stress or anything. I haven’t had the inspiration or motivation to write and when I tried to exercize my tired brain by writing poetry? Well, this…

I am
busted seams
popped buttons
frayed edges
broken zippers
worn-through thighs

My thighs will destroy as much as they embrace
my breasts will heave and welcome as I breathe

Meh. That’s all. Just blah and meh. Ha-ha! This sort of sums up my week and yeah I know we’re only halfway through this shizz.  It’s not like I have any plans for my weekend or anything, but that’s usually the only time I get to see some of my favorite people and that’s all I want right now.

Time is such a painful and cruel thing, ya know? I’m constantly waiting or being told to wait and be patient and I’m sick of it. I’ve probably said this a few times before (Ha-ha!) but damn, dude! I am excited for the NoLose.org conference in July. I’m looking forward to it for like a bajillion reasons! My BFF “Q” is driving up and staying with me and oh the shenanigans we shall have/accomplish!!!

I spent much of my weekend hiding and watching bad movies and feeling weird. Had an anxiety thing happen on Sunday that was not fun but I worked through it. So much time with my puggyman certainly did me a world of good. He is the most perfect pooch, I tell ya! 😉

And then today I saw this crap commercial, “Hail to the V”?! WTF?!?!
Celebrate the most precious thing in the world…by washing your smelly cooch?!?! NO THANKS!

I guess I’m in a bit of an odd mood.

Whatevs.

Love you all!
<3
S

I’m in a much better place, mentally, than I thought possible, all things considered. I’ve had such massive waves of insecurity I sort of worried if I’d ever feel like “me” again. But I do and here I am and I’m okay. Actually, I’m a little better than okay today. I’m feeling pretty dang good, both mentally and physically.

Wednesday evening I was taken on an impromptu date to Taco Bell by my BFF P! We randomly wore the exact same color palette (black and red, yo!) and went back to his for fun cocktails and awesomely bad movies. He and I hadn’t hung out just the two of us in years and oh how I loved every minute of it! (We are also starting a movie review YouTube channel, so stay tuned for the hilarity!)

Yesterday…ahhh! Yesterday was sublime! (I don’t know that I’ve used that word much in my life.) The bf took the day off to spend with me and I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. We did so many fun things! My favorite though was going to Nickel City! It’s this arcade sort of place, but it’s all run on nickels ($2 admission) and a lot of the older arcade games are on free play (Tetris anyone?!). Ohmigosh! So much fun! We won a bunch of tickets from various games and cashed them in for a Spongebob puzzle and a couple of matching, silver, plastic dollar sign rings. It’s silly and tacky and hilarious and I think I’m in love with this ring! I want to wear it always! 😉 Mostly it was just lovely to spend so much time with someone I, well, want to spend all my time with. Ha-ha!

I went to bed smiling last night and woke up that way as well. It’s hot out and the birds are singing and I slept gorgeously (so needed). I randomly decided to wear this Torrid top I’d bought at least five years ago. I love this top, but have never worn it. I always put it on, then freak out about it and put on something else before going out. Ugh! It’s so pretty and I always thought I could wear it confidently, but that hasn’t been the case. I thought I could pair it with a smart shrug or something, but let’s face it, when it’s hot enough to wear this kind of top you’re so not wanting to layer it. Ugh! But today I felt great and it’s hot out and I thought, “Fuck it! I’m doing this thang today!!!” and so I did!

(Sorry, couldn’t get a full body shot, plus I’m just in my undies right now. Ha-ha!)

And a side note here, can I bitch for a moment about my Sally Hansen Gel manicure thing? Ugh! I’d wanted this thing for awhile and finally found a new one on eBay for a steal. I realize I didn’t pay full price, but I was excited to use this product. It claimed a long lasting (2 weeks) chip resistant manicure. ONE DAY!!! It last one fucking day! First thing yesterday on nail entirely peeled off (see pic above)! WTF?! The rest are all chipping and catching on everything. I’ll be taking it all off today, but seriously this is some bullshit! 1-2 days versus two weeks?! Not cool! I do not recommend this product at all. I expect more from Sally Hansen (for some reason) and cannot believe how much they’re charging (retail) for this crap. Ahem. *StepsOffSoapBox*

So, yeah, I’m feeling pretty good. Going to stay in today until it cools off. Have many jobs to apply to anyway. I’m waiting to hear back about my unemployment claim. Fingers crossed. I hope you all have a lovely weekend!
<3
S

Yeah, things were too good to be true. You know that whole thing I said the other day about hoping that the latest string of awesomeness wasn’t just a brief reprieve? Well, it was, it seems. I didn’t get my so called dream job. I’m in shock, honestly. It felt so right. Everyone seemed to genuinely like me. My BFF pulled strings and everything and none of it mattered in the end. I guess it just wasn’t meant for me. I wish I could understand, but I can’t and perhaps I’m not supposed to.

Many will tell me it’s because something even better is on its way, but I’m just not seeing that yet. This felt so right. And patience? Patience is bullshit. I hate it and I hate the burden it feels like. It’s always trust and be patient and I do and what happens?!?! Sorry. Ahem. It’s just so painful and frustrating. I mean, the whole process is, but this one cut a bit deeper than most. I know I’ll be okay, somehow, it’s just such a surprise.

When I first got the news I cried for a few minutes, then played some Candy Crush Saga (seriously? fuck that game!) and cried a few minutes more. When I try to talk, my throat closes up, but I’m not crying anymore. It’s not like the last job devastation where I uncontrollably sobbed myself into hyperventilation. Ugh! No thanks. Maybe the good stuff happening to and around me lately has given me a cushion or maybe so much endless rejection on the job front is thickening my skin. However, I refuse to sink back into despair.

I am redoubling my job seeking efforts and even signed up at a temp agency. I no longer believe it’s a “Who you know” kind of job market. Networking has gotten me nothing in this regard and so it is back to what I know and has worked before: craigslist! Ha-ha! Somehow it’s always worked for me and hopefully will continue to. I’ll be okay, this much I do know. I just don’t know what the hell my life will look or feel like in the near future. So be it. 😉

Today’s TMI Tuesday post isn’t salacious or exciting. It’s just about my feelings over recent fat happenings and my own personal struggles with access and financial status at the moment. If this doesn’t interest you, please come back another day for your regularly scheduled fat/Sarah’s emo talk. 🙂

So, I won’t be linking to anything here today. This shit is all over the damned web already, I choose not to contribute the traffic at all, thanks. And while I have been silent thus far, it is only because I hadn’t processed my own feelings about it. Specifically the whole Abercrombie bullshit scandal and the whole “fat people shouldn’t get PHDs” thing. Ugh! *EpicEyeRoll*

I haven’t touched either of these topics for one reason: I’m Poor! I say this not to gain sympathy, pity, charity or words of encouragement. I state it as a simple fact. I refuse to be ashamed. I refuse to hide it. It just is, so be it. My immediate future is so uncertain that I am forcing myself to keep that shit out of my mind as much as I possibly can. Here’s the truth though, last night I was filled with anxiety because of food insecurity. I felt like shit when B bought my dinner, again. Ugh! I know I am soooooo fucking lucky to have friends who can support me through meals or just general support and stuff. I am eternally grateful and tell them this often. It doesn’t change the fact that I couldn’t sleep because I didn’t know if I could eat the next day.

So this morning, realizing that I’d received my last paycheck direct deposit, I went grocery shopping. I went to this new Walmart grocery store and holy crap I got so much stuff for so little money! I’m hoping to stretch what I got for a few weeks or at least until I know where future monies will be coming from (new job, unemployment, etc.). Being with loving friends who also enjoy cooking inspired me. These are “broke bitches” after my own heart and believe me when I say that  “broke bitches” know how to take care of business and get shit done and make everyone in their life feel good, too. I am in awe of them both! So I loaded up on staples and produce and will hopefully come out of this scary period unscathed.

Because it is hella scary. I know I said I would keep all the bad things away, but I’m trying not to live in denial, either. I just gotta face this shit and keep moving ahead and hope and believe that thing will turn out alright. They just have to. So yeah, I bought groceries, but I feel a lot better overall because of it. I offered to cook dinner for B tonight and I’m excited to do it! This is progress, at least for me.

So, what does any of this have to do with the recent fat hate scandals? I always say, follow the money and the truth/intent will be found. The truth is that I’ve never had access or ever fooled myself into believe I could ever have access to either name brand clothing or a higher education. I was reprimanded by high school teachers when I explained that college would never be an option for me. Is it any wonder why I dropped out?! Ugh! I went to work full time at age sixteen and never looked back. The only time I longed to wear name brand clothing was in Junior High School when Guess jeans were all the rage and once my dad saw the price tag he snatched me up and outta the store on the double. Ha-ha!

If these entities have bias it has always been against the poor. If they are choosing to publicly hate on fatties? What the fuck else is new? I want no part of either. I choose to focus my time and attention on what I can in my own life and community. I know what has held me back that  I had control over and that is my own self esteem and general attitude towards life. Money? Psshht! I haven’t ever had control over that. It has ebbed and flowed as it pleases and I try not to get too hung up on that shit. It only distracts and dazzles and makes you want things you don’t need.

What has been difficult is getting invited to all the things by so many lovely and wonderful people but having to decline every single one because I’m too broke to buy a ticket, bring something or really leave the house much. This past weekend was such a luxury and really all I did was drive. My lovely friends really did take care of me. But I cannot expect nor count on that forever, nor would I want to. I don’t want to have to rely on such kindnesses, but I am so grateful that it’s there if needed.

All of my problems could be answered with such a simple thing: A full time job. That’s it! Not a six figure salary or retirement plan. No, simple is what I prefer anyway and really all I typically want. I’m pinning my hopes and thoughts on that dream job I interviewed for last week. I have to keep applying/looking for work though or my unemployment could get screwed. And if something comes along before the dream job I will have to take it. The thought hurts, but I gotta keep on keepin’ on as always, babies.

If you have tips, recipes, or just wanna share some love, hit me up! ;)  notblueatall@notblueatall.com

<3
S