NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

What does a fat activist do when their self esteem is suddenly in the toilet?

May28

Cry! Ha-ha!

It’s true though. Gawd I cried a lot over this past weekend. It was part hormones, mega chunk of stress and communication issues. UGH!!! Friday night I was just feeling so beat up from work that I was almost relieved when my boyfriend had to cancel our date because of work…almost. *Sigh* I had just had a really bad day and was so looking forward to seeing him, but you know, that’s how it goes. So my puggyman and I stayed in and vegged out in front of the t.v. After I cried for about an hour or so that is.

The following day was fabulous! My bf showed up with flowers and we went shopping (I had some stuff to return to Torrid) and ran some errands and checked on the dogs (he has a 6 mo. old pug). Fun stuff and good times…until we saw “Blended” with Drew Barrymore & Adam Sandler. I’m a big fan of Drew and wanted to see her new movie. I knew it wouldn’t be great, but I wanted to see it anyway. UGH!!! It was bad. Like, I actually regret seeing it, that bad! And it somehow left me in a really sad state. I felt like an idiot, worthless and began to question my intellect. My bf instantly knew something was wrong but I just told him it was hormones and I was feeling bad about myself. He reassured me as best he could and we went for a late dinner, but I was really bummed out.

I’d only just heard about the SoCal shooting that morning and hadn’t fully read anything much about it. Sunday morning I saw so many articles about it on my Facebook feed that I couldn’t ignore it any longer. Bad idea! I was already down in the dumps and then I read all about this college guy who hates women so much he planned to “make them all pay” by killing them. A lot of his rhetoric was very triggering for me and I began to feel unsafe. Mind you, I hadn’t even gotten out of bed yet, so you can imagine how something like this could set a bad tone for the day ahead. My hormones were really taking over at this point, I felt as though someone else was controlling my emotions. I fucking hate that so much! Even when I understand, logically, the how and the why of the situation, there’s little I could do to help it.

This lead to some miscommunication between my bf and I. We rarely if ever disagree and while that wouldn’t be an issue, everything made me cry! He was beside himself with grief about it and felt that everything he said was wrong and that he could only make matters worse. His pure intentions felt hurtful and offensive, but he truly didn’t understand why I was reacting the way I did. I won’t get into specifics, but we ended up ending our day early because I was a fucking mess and he just didn’t know what the hell to do about it and I was pushing him away at that point. Much crying and a few texts later and we were finally understanding each other.

I went to dinner with the boys, but kept my sunglasses on the entire time. My eyes were red and puffy, mostly from crying, but also from my allergies attacking my whole fucking face that day! Ugh! It was bad! Anyway, the boys didn’t pay any mind to it and it was great to catch up with them and laugh it up. It gave me some time to breathe and not think too much. I am so sick of thinking so damned much! Ha-ha! When will they invent an off button for this? Needless to say I slept like crap that night.

I woke up the next morning unsure of what the hell to do. Things with my fella were still feeling a bit awkward so I text him that I was grabbing some coffee and could I come see him. He was hesitant, afraid of an argument no doubt, but wanted to see me. He’s such a brave soul! Ha! We played with his puglet and didn’t talk much at first. Finally we worked things out and tried to make the most of our day together. I was still feeling down about myself and pretty much afraid of the world, too. We ended up going back to his and watching some t.v. and playing with the pup again. It was at this point that he ended up injuring his finger quite badly and I was beside myself wanting to help but not wanting to make things worse. I helped him bandage his split-open finger and took him to the drugstore for first aid supplies. He was in an immense amount of pain but putting on a brave face for me, I could tell. Poor guy. I’ve had a similar injury, where your nail is split down the wrong way, and that shit hurts like nothing else, man! Finally we went to dinner and I dropped him off at home and headed back to mine and my puggyman for the night.

The next morning I headed to work with a heavy sense of dread. Everything just felt awful! When I got to work there was a huge steaming pile of emails for me to get through and everyone needed everything NOW! UGH!!! I know this doesn’t sound like my usual self and truly is isn’t/wasn’t. I don’t know if it’s just part of getting older and my hormones are changing a bit or if it was my usual dose with a heap of triggered bullshit from that shooting thing and my own abused past. *Shrugs* Who can say?! When I got home I had to clean and change in a bit of a rush for dance rehearsal with Tigress. My heart wasn’t in it but once she got there I started to feel it. We made some progress on our choreography, too.

Luckily I’d booked a massage appointment with B for this morning so that if I was sore from rehearsal I wouldn’t be a wreck for work, too. I didn’t have to be to work until 1pm and so I got to take my time getting ready. I even treated myself to some Peet’s and grabbed a salad for lunch on my way to work. I had a bad headache that wouldn’t fuck off for most of the day but you know what? I had a lot of people say some super nice shit to me today and that certainly helped! Sometimes it really is an awesome job that I have, ya know? It wasn’t without some bumps in the road, but my headache’s gone now and I get to sleep in again tomorrow! Yay!

How’s my self esteem, you ask? Well, it’s alright, I guess. I’m not back to 100% me, but I’m about 40% of the way there. Tomorrow night I have a fancy do at work I’m coordinating and will be dressing up a bit. I’m only a little sad that I can’t wear any make up lately. My allergies have me waking up with red, rashy or puffy eyes and I’m afraid of adding anything to the mix at this point. I haven’t worn a drop of makeup since April 22nd, I think. It started a day or two after that anyway and my skin is just so sensitive that I fear putting on mascara or eyeshadow would cause more trouble than it’s worth. So I’ve been completely makeup free for over a month! I don’t yet know what dress I’ll wear, but I’m a little excited to have an excuse.

I’m hoping I get enough sleep to wake up with some extra energy so I can rehearse a bit before work tomorrow morning. I’m starting to freak out about not being prepared for our performance. What performance? This one:

Here’s the Facebook event link:

https://facebook.com/events/1478735512357597/

For Tickets:

http://thenextbigthing.brownpapertickets.com

I’m so lucky to have Tigress as my dance partner. When I start to freak out she turns up the, “We’re fabulous!” and somehow we pull through! Ha-ha! I love that woman! I have another dance rehearsal with her on Friday and hopefully we’ll get the rest of the song worked out that night. Fingers crossed!!! We still have to come up with our costumes, too! So much to do, such little time!!! *Pant-pant* It’ll be okay! It has to be! I think I’ll make it through this rough patch just fine, I just gotta remind myself of all of the things that got me here to begin with. All that I have been through and all that I have done, if I can’t look back and see that I have been through so much worse and come out for the better then perhaps it’s my memory that’s the problem and not my self esteem after all! Ha-ha!

<3

S

Geek Pride at Gorn Rock

May19

Weekend before last, my bf and I and our two little puggymen drove down to “Gorn Rock” near Santa Clarita, CA. Google said it was a five hour drive, but we took the scenic route down the coast to absorb the beauty and natural wonders that are California. I love going just about anywhere with my guy, but traveling together is extra fun since he’s only been in the U.S. a bit over a year and everything is so new and exciting to him. It makes it all fresh for me as well. I get to share the silly and fun facts I know about stuff and he gets to be all impressed with me or whatever. Ha-ha! Our dogs had never been on a road trip before so we didn’t know what we had in store for us.

Can I first whine for a moment about how I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me that I always have to be late for everything always and forever?!?! I set my alarm, even a second and somehow still didn’t get up until my little puggo woke me up to pee. D’oh! I panicked and text my guy that I was jumping in the shower and would be there shortly. I did that but also had to pack my stuff and Marius’ too! Due to this we didn’t get to the car rental place on time and thus ended up with a black Ford Crown Victoria. Ugh! Don’t know what a Crown Vic is? It’s a cop car. No, really…look at a cop car, 90% of ’em are Crown Vics. I was so bummed and so upset with myself for being so late that we ended up with this boat of a car. I cried, “I feel like I fucked everything up!” and hugged my fella. He assured me everything was and would be fine and we were going to have a great weekend. He was right about that. Plus, I was emotional and had a lack-of-caffeine headache. 🙁
We stopped by the pet store, packed up the car and strapped in the pooches and hit the road! So, my puggo is four years old and his is only six months, but by their behavior you’d think the reverse was true. HIs pup was so fucking well behaved in the car! He is the cutest little thing, too. My puggyman was, well, a bit of a pain in the ass. *Sigh* He tries to be so good and generally he is, but he’d never been in the car so long and he just gets so excited you’d think he was about to burst! For real, he screeches and squeals and screams whenever you stop or slow down or pull into a parking lot. There’s no calming him down, or so I thought. But when I was driving my boyfriend said, “Is it okay if I be firm with him and get him to calm down?” I said, “Yeah, just don’t smack him around or anything.” I mean, of course! And he never would. He was so good with my little guy I was beyond impressed. He figured out how to distract him and calm him down. *Beams*
The coast was so beautiful! There really are no words to describe it that would live up to it’s beauty, but I’m biased in that I grew up in CA. I have rarely been down the coast and can count on one hand how many times I’ve gone down to “SoCal” as I call it. I very famously amongst my nearest and dearest (whilst very drunk) exclaimed, “SoCal is No Cal for me!” but I gotta admit, they have some cool stuff down there. There was one part of the highway where the only thing between the road and the ocean was a short cement divider. It was dark but I could see the waves lapping at the skinny strip of beach next to the road. The ocean at night is just breathtaking!
We took lots of breaks to walk the dogs and keep everyone hydrated. Our second stop was near San Simeon (Hearst Castle is there, if you can you should visit it’s gorgeous!) because there is a beach so packed with elephant seals lounging about that you can barely see the sand. We were convinced the dogs would love it, but to be honest I don’t think they even noticed the seals. They did, however, enjoy the people who all went nuts over those two adorable babies! I guess I’m slightly desensitized to their ridiculous-cuteness. Ha-ha! But then as we were checking out the seals and talking to the people the wind picked up so fast and so hard that we had to run back to the car. Sand was whipping us all in the face and while we were laughing and the dogs enjoyed the running, it was intense! We had to check them and clean out their eyes and face wrinkles with all of the sand they got hit with. They were troopers though.
We made it to the hotel in Santa Clarita at 10pm. The dogs had never stayed in a hotel before and we didn’t know how they’d react. They were into it though. While I was checking us in Marius somehow managed to unhook his leash and took off in the lobby. My fella grabbed him and I reattached the leash, but that little monkey did it again! I never figured out how he did it, but after that he didn’t do it again and everyone in the lobby thought it was hilarious! We got into our room and they of course went into sniffer-mode. Then they relaxed and played as we both collapsed onto the bed. Whew!
About every thirty minutes or so my puggo would hear or see someone walking in front of our door and bark. Ugh! None of us slept well. Finally my bf had the idea to put him in the bathroom (with his comfy bed, don’t worry) so that he couldn’t see or hear steps in front of our door. This gave us all a reprieve from the stress of my little watchdog. He really is just trying to protect us and let us know there were “strangers” afoot. The puppy was a little angel until the sun came up. Then it was “I’m going to jump on your faces until you play with me” time. He’s a puppy! Then he and my puggyman started to play and I was so happy because they hadn’t really bonded before that. It was so funny to see them chasing each other around our room.
Once the dogs were walked and fed and us showered and all, we headed straight to the nearest coffee place (Peet’s) for the vital espresso needed to truly start our day. Even at 9am it was starting to warm up. I went in to get the drinks while the bf took the dogs for a little exploring of the strip mall we were at, or so I thought. When I came out I saw them all running full speed around the not yet open storefronts. I couldn’t believe my eyes! They were really cookin’, too! Ha-ha! When they got back to me and the car they were all winded. Next was some food and juice and then onto Gorn Rock!
When we got to Vasquez Rock (as it’s properly called) it was warm but nicely breezy. It’s basically the desert with these huge craggy rock formations everywhere. The pugs enjoyed exploring and sniffing and peeing on just about everything. It was hilarious and awesome to see these funny little creatures climbing these giant rocks and rugged terrain. My fella was all too keen to scale the tallest of them on his own while I watched the babies and him from below. I don’t care for heights, thanks. This site was originally a hideout for this outlaw Vasquez and later famous for the 1967 episode “Arena” of the original Star Trek series where Kirk must fight a Gorn (humanoid lizard thingy-guy) and even makes his own weapons. It’s also appeared in Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, The Flintstones Movie, Austin Powers and The Big Bang Theory. My guy is a Trekkie…’nough said. 😉
It was super cool, though, I have to admit it. I’d never really been to the desert and certainly never climbed on these cool rock formation things before. After a bit of a hike and climb Marius was pooped. He let me know by finding the nearest shade under and bush and just plopped. I was dying with laughter but sympathetic to my little guy’s plight. Some other hikers remarked, “Ah! He’s found the best place in the park!” He did seem quite happy to stay where he was. I had to coax him out again to head back to the car and more importantly WATER! Ha-ha! Ohmyglob! Those two little pugs must have drunk a gallon of water when we got back to the car. We were afraid they’d get sick, but nope, they were just mega thirsty. Then we piled back into the car to begin our journey back home.
It was hot and dry. It was 85 degrees most of the day and we were blessed with a powerful air conditioner in our cop car. And if you think it’s funny we ended up with this Crown Victoria, imagine driving down the highway for hours and hours and nearly every car in front of you thinks you’re a cop and slows down. Ugh! Infuriating! As much as he joked about getting us black baseball caps and hand signaling people to pull over, we never abused this non-power of ours. It was more a burden than anything else, though it was also roomy, so whatever. Poor Marius was not happy for most of the drive home. He was hot and anxious and later in the day the sun was roasting his little rump no matter how he lay in his safety seat. Finally at a gas station I rigged some brochures into the window to block most of the sun. He slept like a noisy little log from there on out.
We made it back not only in one piece, but we also made pretty good time. We got back in time to return the rental car and drop everyone off and get settled in before the Simpson’s were on! Priorities, man! Ha-ha! We had such a fun time, it must seem silly to others that we’d go through all of that to visit some silly rocks. But you know what? We had a blast and the dogs did too! It was this big adventure for all of us. I love how my guy is so spontaneous and I think it’s good for me to resist my over-planning instincts and to just go with the flow. I fight it occasionally, but we always have a blast!

 

17 Years Since I started Over

May8

*Content warning for talk of abuse and domestic violence*

Today marks 17 years since I escaped the clutches of my abuser (ex-boyfriend) once and for all. I often tell a sort of cliff notes version of my abuse story, but the truth is, even after I moved twenty miles away, he still kept popping into my life now and then. It wasn’t until I got a new job without his knowledge that I began to finally break away. And even then it wasn’t until he found out where I worked (my grandma didn’t know it was a secret, nor that he was abusive) and showed up to try to take me by force that it was finally and truly over.

He showed up at the music store I had been working at for awhile with blood all over his shirt. He first beat up my roommates in order to find out where I worked. They knew, but luckily did not tell him. Then when he found out from my grandma he showed up and tried to grab me from behind the counter. My coworker yelled at him from across the store, I screamed when he grabbed my hair and arm and fortunately my boss was in the back room (even though it was his day off), heard the commotion and threw his ass out! Security came and physically removed him and banned him from returning with the threat of arrest. And just like that, it was over. I never saw or heard from him again!
The troubling part of all of this for me, in retrospect, is that some people did know and no one ever offered to help. No one ever told me that I should or could leave him or that I had any other choice. He threatened the lives of myself and my entire family every single day. I feared that if they found out about his abuse that all hell would break loose. My dad didn’t know, but I still have a hard time with that part. I was fourteen years old when my dad let my abusive boyfriend move in with us, in our family home. FOURTEEN?!?! This “boyfriend” was twenty-one, to give some perspective here. I did give my dad an ultimatum, that the boyfriend move in or we’d run away together.
I’m sure my dad felt he had no choice at that time, my mom had only left us a year prior and we were all still adjusting. I had only “dated” this boy for a couple of months before this ultimatum. Yet somehow it never occurred to my dad to call the police or seek therapy or anything at all. We were poor. Access to things was beyond limited. On top of that, my grandpa was in the last stages of Alzheimer’s and required constant care and supervision. But there is a part of me that simply resents the fact that he didn’t protect me. Certainly there weren’t enough spoons for any of us  back then.
I’m confident that my dad didn’t know about the physical abuse, though. Or he’s truly a terrible person. Any time I do see him, my dad, he brings up my abuser by name. I have asked him repeatedly to not, event threatened to bring up my birth mom every time he does…he still does it. Why haven’t I told him? Fear and not wanting to even go there, ya know? I fear him not believing me. I don’t want to relive or recount all of that either. My PTSD symptoms are so few now days that I forget sometimes that I even have it.
After that fateful day it took me several months before I could sleep through the night. Even after I met my (now ex-) husband, I would wake up several times a night and have to stare at his face for stretches of time to make sure it wasn’t my abuser. I still occasionally wake up and not know where I am or think I’m back with my abuser somehow. Those are the worst nights! I stopped constantly looking over my shoulder maybe six years after it was over. The dreams of him chasing me down through endless alleyways and malls and other labyrinthian-like places were almost nightly until about 8 or so years later. To this day when a male voice is raised I instinctively curl into a ball in a corner or bathroom and cry in a very different way than my natural cry (more shriek-y, I would say).
People have asked me what I would have done differently and I don’t know that I could have. You have to understand the immense pressure and stress I was under. I was basically a hostage in my own home. I was forced to drop out of high school (not that I cared much, I hated high school) and every aspect of my life was controlled by my abuser. What I wore, where I went, what I ate and who I spoke to. I was forced to not talk to my friends and to never see them. Somehow my bff “Q” was okay for me to talk to and she was truly the only person I kept in touch with during those awful five years of misery. I would fantasize about escape, being saved, even suicide…anything to end it.
My entire identity was erased, I had nothing of my own and when it was all over I had to start from scratch. I didn’t have the typical adolescence everyone else did. Suddenly I went from fourteen to nineteen and had no idea if there was room for me in the world in the aftermath. There were signs before it got bad, though. First he would insist I end my male friendships, period. Platonic or not, they all had to go. I lost a dear friend because of this. We got back in touch a few years ago, but ended up not staying in touch for long, unfortunately. I suddenly stopped hanging out with friends and going to dances and parties. Then my phone calls became limited and eventually timed and monitored. No one seemed to notice and I was too afraid to speak up. You’d think my dad would have noticed, that my best and closest friends would have noticed, but if they did no one ever said a word to me about it. One friend even witnessed him beating me up and she said nothing and told no one. I guess it’s easier to say and do nothing in the face of violence, but we grew up together and I had looked up to her until then.
I wanted to mark this day and share my story once again because I want people to know that it can happen to anyone. You won’t see it coming, but if you listen to your gut and don’t ignore your instincts, you don’t have to get stuck there. Had I listened to my gut I never would have met that person to begin with, something told me not to return the phone call from my frenemy back then, but I did it anyway. To be polite? I don’t even remember now. Maybe just morbid curiosity.
When I tell people even a smidgen of what I went through they cannot believe it simply because of my current life and demeanor. But that is years and years of self work, yo! Not to mention the immense amount of support I get from my chosen family (friends).
Here’s to healing and surviving and becoming who we’re meant to be, not what other’s think we should be.
<3
S

everything happens for a reason…

May6

At least I hope so.

Saturday morning, this rad fatty did not sleep in. I know, my boyfriend was surprised, too! Ha-ha! But I was excited about the Fat Flash Mob in SF at noon and didn’t want a thing to stand in the way of my getting there and shaking it in solidarity with  my fat community. We’d planned on going to this omelet place we saw the previous weekend over by the town I grew up in. So I got up and got in the shower and dressed and out the door in no time (well, compared to the usual, anyhow). I knew I was cramped for time so I didn’t even touch my make up stuffs. Psshht! I had on a colorful outfit with just the right amount of sass (my lucky jean skirt) and hit the road!
10153120_10152027838641078_8335552736959075162_n
I grabbed some Peet’s coffee on the way to fuel my brain for the excitement that lay ahead. I picked up my boyfriend and off we went. To the omelette house! He loaned me his cap and I wore it with the required amount of ironic pride (does anyone get the “I’m Eggcellent” reference?). He snapped a pic of me before we went inside. The food was great and we laughed about, you know, everything, throughout our meal. Nothing new there. Can laughing be a hobby? It’s gotta be my fave! Ha-ha! We left cash for the bill on our table and dashed off to the Bart station!
We parked and got up to the platform and were waiting for Bart to take us to San Francisco. I was beaming! My favorite fella by my side and on my way to see my fave fatties, too?! It was a delightful morning indeed! As we were riding Bart on our way into the city he turns to me and says, “Sarah, when do you need to be there by?” and I say, “Well, 11:45 would be ideal, but at 12 on the dot the music starts, so we have a little leeway. Why?” he said, “Uhh…I don’t think we’re going to make it.” I said, “What do you mean? It’s only two more stops.” he replied, “It’s more like seven. Where are you getting two?” I show him, he smiles and explains that no, it really is seven and we’re screwed on time. D’oh!!!
When we reach the station we have one minute to get out, get up the steps and run to the end of the block in a very crowded station and sidewalk. We ran! I mean, I never run but I did because FATTIES UNITE! Ha-ha! So we ran up the stairs (as best I could with my knee stuff and all) and up the street and got there just as the music ended and everyone clapped and started to hug each other. Double D’oh!!!
I saw Tigress first in her gorgeous and colorful and always the right amount of sass in her outfit and ran over to give her a hug. We took a pic or two and soon other friends and fab fatties came for a hug and a hello and a pic. Fun! But, I was sad I missed the whole fucking thing! Then, Ian asked if he could interview me on-camera, I said yes and he asked why I was there. “I’m here to support my fat community and to show the world that we’re happy just the way we are!” Ha-ha! I was glad I’d slapped on my now-signature red lipstick using my bf’s sunglasses to apply it on the ride over. For pics and all. Ha!
Lots of love was shared but I felt silly and we couldn’t make it to the other locations for the next two performances/flash mobs that day. I’m not saying it was all for nothing, but you know, I was a bit disappointed.
The next morning when all of the pics and videos were popping up on my facebook feed I was so happy to see some of my favorite people doing this revolutionary thing. I began to sob! I became very emotional, watching video after video, see all of the fun pics of so many smiling faces. This was the best stuff on earth, man! This is why I am an activist! They were doing this to show the world that you can be happy and fat! That you can be happy in the skin you’re in and not have to hate yourself and wish you were something you’re not and never will be. It was a beautiful sight to see!
The truth is, had my boyfriend not offered to come with me, I probably would not have been able to go. What many don’t know and even some of my friends won’t believe is that my social anxiety is something that I struggle with on a daily basis. I am very good and hiding it, fighting it and working through it, but it’s always there. My job forces me to be “on” all day and often that eats up all of my spoons. I have good days and weeks and really bad ones. Much of this has something to do with why I haven’t been writing/posting lately. I have been avoiding social situations outside of work even when I want to participate. It’s just…hard.
I can see why someone who’s never experienced any severe forms of anxiety would have a difficult time understanding what it’s like to live with it, but I will never be okay with people simply not believing folks when they try to explain their lived experiences. Not okay! If someone tells you they are struggling with something, offer a hug or a word of support. Saying you don’t believe them just makes you a giant asshole! Ahem…sorry, this is one thing that just sticks in my craw!
Today is International No Diet Day! I usually look forward to INDD. I suppose I was in some ways but I had a really terrible morning at work and burned up all of my usual steam. There are a lot of great posts and articles out there today, though and I hope you have a chance to check them out. I saw one on Fierce Free Thinking Fatties in particular that I enjoyed that compared diet culture with religion in the language and tactics used against “heretics” or “bad fatties”…good stuff! I shall celebrate as I always do with a mindfulness and gratefulness for having the life and health that I do, in the body that I live in.
Today has also been a very bad day for me at work. I am having to bite my tongue and choose not to speak up for myself in order to semi-protect my position here. I am a contracted worker, not a full time employee of the company that I work for. This means I do not get the perks and benefits that employees do. It also means that they can dismiss me for no reason at all. Although, in California, we have at-will employment, so I don’t see much of a difference on that end of things. Whatever. I do my best, I work hard and try to keep folks happy. I do a great job, actually. But there’s no pleasing everyone all of the time, right?! Ha-ha!
I wish you all well and send you my love and gratitude.
<3
S

 

5 Years?!

May2

Wow, so, um, it seems that I missed my blog’s 5 year anniversary. Oops! 

Since I haven’t really been posting I am not sure what to say about this occasion. Yay?!
Gosh, I feel so weird about this now. I’ve been just trying to live moment to moment lately. I know writing will come back to me eventually but I feel at a complete loss with words lately. 
A little update:
I’m still the “Director of Happiness” at a big tech company in the silicon valley.
My “Special Geek” and I are still going strong (over a year now). He’s still the best thing to ever happen to me. *blush*
My puggyman is the sweetest little guy! He brightens my every single day. He’s my little Jester. 
I’ll be dancing with Tigress again in this year’s Big Moves show on June 14th & 15th at Laney College in Oakland.
Tomorrow is the big Fat Flash Mob 2014 in major cities all over the country (if you search youtube for fat flash mob 2014 you can see the tutorial/videos). 
I wore my first pair of wedges to work today…which is huge news! I haven’t worn anything with a heel in ages and certainly not to work. But I love these by Orthaheel:
  • And pretty much in love with this perfect red lipstick: Maybeline Super Stay 14 hour in Continuous Cranberry…which until now I’ve been calling “Cantankerous Cranberry” which says more about my mood most days than the color. Ha-ha! But I’d seen it on a girl at a meet up at work and she’d asked to use the restroom. I said to her, “Yes, of course. But only if you  tell me what that lipstick is you’re wearing!” and she did and I grabbed it  on Amazon and love the hell out of it!
    • Maybelline New York Superstay 14 hour Lipstick, Continuous Cranberry, 0.12 Ounce

      I’ve been watching Silicon Valley (Hilarious!) and lots of cartoons (Clarence, Regular Show, Adventure Time, Steven Universe). 

      I guess I haven’t been online much at all lately. I really only use Facebook for this blog, which feeds into my Twitter automatically (so if you follow one you don’t have to check both, I guess). I love reading about other fat activists and causes and other community stuff. Always into the positive stuff, but not much for me to say on the matter myself. 
      I ended up treating myself to the matching Kate Spade wallet after much insistence from my boyfriend. :P 
      I dunno what else to share. I mean, I’ve been struggling with social anxiety a lot, especially at work but I’ve worked really fucking hard to maintain a sense of outer composure, but I won’t lie…crying in the bathroom sometimes is good stress relief. Talking to a good friend on Voxxer everyday, mostly we just vent, helps so much, too!
      I’ve made a couple of work buddies, but it has been a bit rough lately.
       
      I think about this blog and you, the readers of it, often and hope you’re all well and happy in your own ways.
      <3
      S
       
       
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