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What does a fat activist do when their self esteem is suddenly in the toilet?


Cry! Ha-ha!

It’s true though. Gawd I cried a lot over this past weekend. It was part hormones, mega chunk of stress and communication issues. UGH!!! Friday night I was just feeling so beat up from work that I was almost relieved when my boyfriend had to cancel our date because of work…almost. *Sigh* I had just had a really bad day and was so looking forward to seeing him, but you know, that’s how it goes. So my puggyman and I stayed in and vegged out in front of the t.v. After I cried for about an hour or so that is.

The following day was fabulous! My bf showed up with flowers and we went shopping (I had some stuff to return to Torrid) and ran some errands and checked on the dogs (he has a 6 mo. old pug). Fun stuff and good times…until we saw “Blended” with Drew Barrymore & Adam Sandler. I’m a big fan of Drew and wanted to see her new movie. I knew it wouldn’t be great, but I wanted to see it anyway. UGH!!! It was bad. Like, I actually regret seeing it, that bad! And it somehow left me in a really sad state. I felt like an idiot, worthless and began to question my intellect. My bf instantly knew something was wrong but I just told him it was hormones and I was feeling bad about myself. He reassured me as best he could and we went for a late dinner, but I was really bummed out.

I’d only just heard about the SoCal shooting that morning and hadn’t fully read anything much about it. Sunday morning I saw so many articles about it on my Facebook feed that I couldn’t ignore it any longer. Bad idea! I was already down in the dumps and then I read all about this college guy who hates women so much he planned to “make them all pay” by killing them. A lot of his rhetoric was very triggering for me and I began to feel unsafe. Mind you, I hadn’t even gotten out of bed yet, so you can imagine how something like this could set a bad tone for the day ahead. My hormones were really taking over at this point, I felt as though someone else was controlling my emotions. I fucking hate that so much! Even when I understand, logically, the how and the why of the situation, there’s little I could do to help it.

This lead to some miscommunication between my bf and I. We rarely if ever disagree and while that wouldn’t be an issue, everything made me cry! He was beside himself with grief about it and felt that everything he said was wrong and that he could only make matters worse. His pure intentions felt hurtful and offensive, but he truly didn’t understand why I was reacting the way I did. I won’t get into specifics, but we ended up ending our day early because I was a fucking mess and he just didn’t know what the hell to do about it and I was pushing him away at that point. Much crying and a few texts later and we were finally understanding each other.

I went to dinner with the boys, but kept my sunglasses on the entire time. My eyes were red and puffy, mostly from crying, but also from my allergies attacking my whole fucking face that day! Ugh! It was bad! Anyway, the boys didn’t pay any mind to it and it was great to catch up with them and laugh it up. It gave me some time to breathe and not think too much. I am so sick of thinking so damned much! Ha-ha! When will they invent an off button for this? Needless to say I slept like crap that night.

I woke up the next morning unsure of what the hell to do. Things with my fella were still feeling a bit awkward so I text him that I was grabbing some coffee and could I come see him. He was hesitant, afraid of an argument no doubt, but wanted to see me. He’s such a brave soul! Ha! We played with his puglet and didn’t talk much at first. Finally we worked things out and tried to make the most of our day together. I was still feeling down about myself and pretty much afraid of the world, too. We ended up going back to his and watching some t.v. and playing with the pup again. It was at this point that he ended up injuring his finger quite badly and I was beside myself wanting to help but not wanting to make things worse. I helped him bandage his split-open finger and took him to the drugstore for first aid supplies. He was in an immense amount of pain but putting on a brave face for me, I could tell. Poor guy. I’ve had a similar injury, where your nail is split down the wrong way, and that shit hurts like nothing else, man! Finally we went to dinner and I dropped him off at home and headed back to mine and my puggyman for the night.

The next morning I headed to work with a heavy sense of dread. Everything just felt awful! When I got to work there was a huge steaming pile of emails for me to get through and everyone needed everything NOW! UGH!!! I know this doesn’t sound like my usual self and truly is isn’t/wasn’t. I don’t know if it’s just part of getting older and my hormones are changing a bit or if it was my usual dose with a heap of triggered bullshit from that shooting thing and my own abused past. *Shrugs* Who can say?! When I got home I had to clean and change in a bit of a rush for dance rehearsal with Tigress. My heart wasn’t in it but once she got there I started to feel it. We made some progress on our choreography, too.

Luckily I’d booked a massage appointment with B for this morning so that if I was sore from rehearsal I wouldn’t be a wreck for work, too. I didn’t have to be to work until 1pm and so I got to take my time getting ready. I even treated myself to some Peet’s and grabbed a salad for lunch on my way to work. I had a bad headache that wouldn’t fuck off for most of the day but you know what? I had a lot of people say some super nice shit to me today and that certainly helped! Sometimes it really is an awesome job that I have, ya know? It wasn’t without some bumps in the road, but my headache’s gone now and I get to sleep in again tomorrow! Yay!

How’s my self esteem, you ask? Well, it’s alright, I guess. I’m not back to 100% me, but I’m about 40% of the way there. Tomorrow night I have a fancy do at work I’m coordinating and will be dressing up a bit. I’m only a little sad that I can’t wear any make up lately. My allergies have me waking up with red, rashy or puffy eyes and I’m afraid of adding anything to the mix at this point. I haven’t worn a drop of makeup since April 22nd, I think. It started a day or two after that anyway and my skin is just so sensitive that I fear putting on mascara or eyeshadow would cause more trouble than it’s worth. So I’ve been completely makeup free for over a month! I don’t yet know what dress I’ll wear, but I’m a little excited to have an excuse.

I’m hoping I get enough sleep to wake up with some extra energy so I can rehearse a bit before work tomorrow morning. I’m starting to freak out about not being prepared for our performance. What performance? This one:

Here’s the Facebook event link:

For Tickets:

I’m so lucky to have Tigress as my dance partner. When I start to freak out she turns up the, “We’re fabulous!” and somehow we pull through! Ha-ha! I love that woman! I have another dance rehearsal with her on Friday and hopefully we’ll get the rest of the song worked out that night. Fingers crossed!!! We still have to come up with our costumes, too! So much to do, such little time!!! *Pant-pant* It’ll be okay! It has to be! I think I’ll make it through this rough patch just fine, I just gotta remind myself of all of the things that got me here to begin with. All that I have been through and all that I have done, if I can’t look back and see that I have been through so much worse and come out for the better then perhaps it’s my memory that’s the problem and not my self esteem after all! Ha-ha!



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One Comment to

“What does a fat activist do when their self esteem is suddenly in the toilet?”

  1. On May 29th, 2014 at 12:31 pm ian carruthers Says:

    You’re awesome! You speak your truth, and that is POWERFUL.

    And totally break a leg at the show! Don’t know if Jo and I will be able to make it (family member’s band performing in Sausalito that night), but we’re pullin’ for all of you guys! 😉

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