Saturday morning, this rad fatty did not sleep in. I know, my boyfriend was surprised, too! Ha-ha! But I was excited about the Fat Flash Mob in SF at noon and didn’t want a thing to stand in the way of my getting there and shaking it in solidarity with  my fat community. We’d planned on going to this omelet place we saw the previous weekend over by the town I grew up in. So I got up and got in the shower and dressed and out the door in no time (well, compared to the usual, anyhow). I knew I was cramped for time so I didn’t even touch my make up stuffs. Psshht! I had on a colorful outfit with just the right amount of sass (my lucky jean skirt) and hit the road!

I grabbed some Peet’s coffee on the way to fuel my brain for the excitement that lay ahead. I picked up my boyfriend and off we went. To the omelette house! He loaned me his cap and I wore it with the required amount of ironic pride (does anyone get the “I’m Eggcellent” reference?). He snapped a pic of me before we went inside. The food was great and we laughed about, you know, everything, throughout our meal. Nothing new there. Can laughing be a hobby? It’s gotta be my fave! Ha-ha! We left cash for the bill on our table and dashed off to the Bart station!

We parked and got up to the platform and were waiting for Bart to take us to San Francisco. I was beaming! My favorite fella by my side and on my way to see my fave fatties, too?! It was a delightful morning indeed! As we were riding Bart on our way into the city he turns to me and says, “Sarah, when do you need to be there by?” and I say, “Well, 11:45 would be ideal, but at 12 on the dot the music starts, so we have a little leeway. Why?” he said, “Uhh…I don’t think we’re going to make it.” I said, “What do you mean? It’s only two more stops.” he replied, “It’s more like seven. Where are you getting two?” I show him, he smiles and explains that no, it really is seven and we’re screwed on time. D’oh!!!

When we reach the station we have one minute to get out, get up the steps and run to the end of the block in a very crowded station and sidewalk. We ran! I mean, I never run but I did because FATTIES UNITE! Ha-ha! So we ran up the stairs (as best I could with my knee stuff and all) and up the street and got there just as the music ended and everyone clapped and started to hug each other. Double D’oh!!!

I saw Tigress first in her gorgeous and colorful and always the right amount of sass in her outfit and ran over to give her a hug. We took a pic or two and soon other friends and fab fatties came for a hug and a hello and a pic. Fun! But, I was sad I missed the whole fucking thing! Then, Ian asked if he could interview me on-camera, I said yes and he asked why I was there. “I’m here to support my fat community and to show the world that we’re happy just the way we are!” Ha-ha! I was glad I’d slapped on my now-signature red lipstick using my bf’s sunglasses to apply it on the ride over. For pics and all. Ha!

Lots of love was shared but I felt silly and we couldn’t make it to the other locations for the next two performances/flash mobs that day. I’m not saying it was all for nothing, but you know, I was a bit disappointed.

The next morning when all of the pics and videos were popping up on my facebook feed I was so happy to see some of my favorite people doing this revolutionary thing. I began to sob! I became very emotional, watching video after video, see all of the fun pics of so many smiling faces. This was the best stuff on earth, man! This is why I am an activist! They were doing this to show the world that you can be happy and fat! That you can be happy in the skin you’re in and not have to hate yourself and wish you were something you’re not and never will be. It was a beautiful sight to see!

The truth is, had my boyfriend not offered to come with me, I probably would not have been able to go. What many don’t know and even some of my friends won’t believe is that my social anxiety is something that I struggle with on a daily basis. I am very good and hiding it, fighting it and working through it, but it’s always there. My job forces me to be “on” all day and often that eats up all of my spoons. I have good days and weeks and really bad ones. Much of this has something to do with why I haven’t been writing/posting lately. I have been avoiding social situations outside of work even when I want to participate. It’s just…hard.

I can see why someone who’s never experienced any severe forms of anxiety would have a difficult time understanding what it’s like to live with it, but I will never be okay with people simply not believing folks when they try to explain their lived experiences. Not okay! If someone tells you they are struggling with something, offer a hug or a word of support. Saying you don’t believe them just makes you a giant asshole! Ahem…sorry, this is one thing that just sticks in my craw!

Today is International No Diet Day! I usually look forward to INDD. I suppose I was in some ways but I had a really terrible morning at work and burned up all of my usual steam. There are a lot of great posts and articles out there today, though and I hope you have a chance to check them out. I saw one on Fierce Free Thinking Fatties in particular that I enjoyed that compared diet culture with religion in the language and tactics used against “heretics” or “bad fatties”…good stuff! I shall celebrate as I always do with a mindfulness and gratefulness for having the life and health that I do, in the body that I live in.

Today has also been a very bad day for me at work. I am having to bite my tongue and choose not to speak up for myself in order to semi-protect my position here. I am a contracted worker, not a full time employee of the company that I work for. This means I do not get the perks and benefits that employees do. It also means that they can dismiss me for no reason at all. Although, in California, we have at-will employment, so I don’t see much of a difference on that end of things. Whatever. I do my best, I work hard and try to keep folks happy. I do a great job, actually. But there’s no pleasing everyone all of the time, right?! Ha-ha!

I wish you all well and send you my love and gratitude.

<3

S