If you told me even a month ago that I’d be moving back to my hometown I would have scoffed in your face and said something along the lines of, “As if!” (Just rewatched “Clueless” with my bf, my bad! Ha-ha!) But that’s the truth, I am moving back to my hometown at the end of the month. It’s real! Through the kindness of my beloved Raven and her family and family friend, I’ll be renting a little cottage behind their house. It’s my only option to be honest, but I’m so lucky and grateful to have it! And to be surrounded by such good people (not to mention dog people!) is just icing on the cake.

It’s humbling to go back there for me. There’s so many ghosts and bad memories. I have spent very little actual time there. It’s about 30 miles away from where I’ve been living the last 18 years, but it feels so different! I’m doing everything I can to stay positive and look on the bright side and all that jazz, but it’s also very confusing and hard! My abuser still lives there. My estranged family still lives there. But hey, my lil’ bro still lives there and I’ll get to see him more! I took him to see “Mad Max: Fury Road” last Friday and it was awesome to get some pizza and talk movies with him. Trying so hard, ya know?!

The puggo and I had a great time at the park yesterday.
I haven’t seen him this happy-tired in ages!

I’ve never lived alone before and this scares me. I told my bf, “How will I know if I’m crazy? I always check in with my roommate now…who will I check in with?!?!?!” he laughed and said I’ll be fine. I know he’s right, but he also has no idea how truly paranoid I am in my head…thanks to the five years I spent in a near-hostage situation with my abuser! Ugh! It’s all tangled together! I’ve done so much self work and healed so much and do the best I can but damn, how is it still always there?! I just have to keep going, keep hoping and keep breathing! And I am, but but but!!!

The job hunting this time has been just weird. I’m getting perceived as far younger than I am and thus not taken seriously until I am like, “Look, here’s what I bring to the table…” and they’re always like, “Oh.” Or yesterday’s interview where the hiring manager insisted I was overqualified over and over only to then say that I would be underqualified to grow out of the role i was overqualified for and they really prefer to hire people who will grow out of that position within two years and they’ll keep me in their roster. Blah blah blah. I get dinged for being confident in interviews, but I nail interiews! People always say, “I really like you!” or “I love you and wanna work with you!” and then I never hear from them again or I get the boilerplate rejection letter. UGH!

I don’t know what I am doing wrong. People insist I’m not doing anything wrong, but how can that be? In any case, I can’t change other people, but I can change me! But what can I change? How can I be over and underqualified for everything?! People do not make sense, nor do they listen to the words they speak to me. Last week this CEO looked at me sspiciously and said, “Well, you ARE confident.” I smiled and nodded in agreement, I’d done the job and many like it before, but I couldn’t tell if he thought my confidence was a good or a bad thing. I mean?!?!

I have a lot of bad days, but I’ve had a lot of good ones lately and I am endlessly grateful for those fleeting moments of goodness. I’m trying to strategize when I’m feeling blue or like today, just plain icky. So I coaxed myself out of bed (it was so hard!) with the promise of a local handmade donut. Then I went to Target for some TP and found myself some killer clearance bargains! After I finished my adulting, I rewarded myself with a big Strawberry Fields salad from Wendy’s (it’s SO good!!!). Now I’m home and applying to all the jobs and just feeling super lousy! I have dance rehearsal tonight and I need to feel better to have the energy to nail down this choreography but shit if it ain’t super hard to do things when your stomach hurts.

And my bff who was supposed to be coming to stay with me for nearly two weeks won’t be able to make it as she’s fallen severely ill and I’m worried about her. Major bummer, I was so looking forward to getting some quality time with her but also wow I hope she’s okay for real!!! My poor grrrl! <3 I also have to start packing and making some tough choices on what to get rid of. Living in a smaller space will work fine for me, I mostly keep to myslf and live simply, but my dressers and two bookcases will likely need to go. And the timing of the move is not optimal for friends availability to help so I have to find a moving company (I injured my spine in March). Scary adult things! Ha!

I’m excited for this new chapter of my life. I can’t wait to be settled into my little cottage. I can’t wait to find out what my next job will be and hope beyond hope that I might find an actual career path. I cannot take another abusive supervisor, I’ve met my quota and everyone else’s, too! I just wish I knew how better to approach this stuff with the whole looking younger and being over and underqualified for shit. I mean what am I supposed to do about that?! I don’t have any degrees, I’m a fucking high school drop out for fuck’s sake! But I do have over twenty years of solid and varied skills and work experience and for some reason that isn’t always valued (no I’m not giving my entire job history, only what’s relevant, I don’t want to give them a novel).  *Shrugs*

Whatever will be, will be?

<3
S

Every year while training and rehearsing for our dance performance in the Big Moves show, I injure myself and hit an emotional wall. It seems I freak out about all the things, question my intentions and feel on the brink, every year. I hit that wall on Tuesday of this week. I had practiced pretty hard the night before and was feeling the effects of a poor decision (why didn’t I ice my knee after?!?!?!) while running errands with my boyfriend that morning. With every step a voice in my head began a plea, “Just quit! You don’t have to do the show! It’s not worth it! What’s the point?! Give up! You can’t do this!” the voice got louder and louder. By the time we made it back to the car to leave and head for our lunch destination, I was in tears.

I didn’t tell him about the voice, but it was obvious that I was in pain. He asked me to not rehearse that evening, though that was the plan. I agreed that I would take it easy but that I still had to go to rehearsal. I did just that, but didn’t tell anyone about the voice. I was trying so hard to just go with the flow, to not hold others back and to keep on keepin’ on. I spent so much time in horrible pain the last few months that this seemed like the right thing to do. It wouldn’t have occurred to me to “take it easy” or to care for myself first, it’s always been about the work.

While having lunch with B he asked about my (obvious) limp and what I was doing to care for it as though this was the most normal conversation in the world. I said nothing but that I was going to ice it. He agreed that was a good idea and even suggested using ace bandages to compress and support the surrounding muscles. Whoa! I never would have thought of that on my own. I wouldn’t have even talked about my knee if he hadn’t brought it up. Today I bought some at Target and wrapped below my knee but cannot figure out how to wrap above it (it keeps rolling down, no matter how loose/tight/positioned).

I know a lot of people with chronic pain issues. I have a very low opinion of how western medicine handles pain management as a result. Our society does not like to talk about pain, does not want to see people in pain and truly doesn’t know how to interact with people who live with pain. I hear often how difficult it is to simply navigate day to day tasks and errands and just general living of life with chronic pain. I have heard so many times someone with chronic pain beat themselves up for not being able to do typical things others take for granted. They often do not seek help out of fear of rejection, ridicule and favor fatigue (asking someone for too many favors, I may have just made that up).

Pain is often not taken seriously, even or especially by medical care providers. Combine that with the stigma associated with fat bodies and you have a recipe for brutality. When I sprained my spine back in March the x-ray technician was so brisk with positioning my body I was in tears. “Why are you crying?” he asked, insistently. “I’m in a lot of pain!” I managed, trying not to choke on my tears.  I was horrified by his dismissal of my pain and seeming confusion that I was crying because of it. Even today I do not feel that anyone took that injury seriously, but I’m glad that I did, for once.

As our bodies age pain will come in new places and forms. Soon we won’t notice the smaller creaks and aches over the sudden and sharper pains. Often people with chronic pain no longer recall what it was like before, they can feel weak and like “babies” when a new pain is too much to handle. We can become overloaded by pain, especially when we’ve grown accustomed to daily pain and a sudden onset of some new pain arises. Suddenly the normal way of doing things, which is likely already modified due to living with chronic pain, is impossible and simple things like bathing are truly too much to handle.

I struggle greatly with asking for help or even knowing how or what to ask for help with or for. I’m not so unusual in that. Most people have a difficult time asking for help, even when it’s vital that they do. People living with chronic pain do things like have a career, family, hobbies, and more. Living independently can be a sanity saver for many, but it can be a struggle if you’re also living with chronic pain. If you’re lucky enough to have a support system locally you fear exhausting that support. And if you don’t have a support system, what do you do?

I guess my point in all of this is to be kind. No one knows what you’re dealing with in your life and you don’t know what they’re dealing with in theirs. Be kind to yourself and be patient and gentle, pain or no. If you are able to offer support to someone you know is in pain, be considerate of their needs and feelings. Offer to do their grocery shopping or run an errand for them instead of simply asking, “Anything I can do to help?” Try to be sensitive to the fact that it’s difficult for them to ask or accept help, even when it’s very needed.

Don’t offer help or support if you are expecting payment (unless previously discussed or agreed upon), don’t make a big fuss about their pain or illness as they may not want that type of attention, don’t hold a favor or gesture over them as though they owe you or you are somehow superior to them. Do offer your companionship! Being in pain can be very isolating, especially when going out and about for things isn’t an option. Invite someone in your life with chronic pain to parties, dinners, events and activities, but don’t hold it against them if they must turn down the invite. Just because a person can’t do something one time doesn’t mean they don’t want to or wouldn’t be able to in the future.

Be kind. Be gentle. Be patient. Be honest.

<3
S

Just as I was really digging in and doing the hard work of personal growth and job hunting I get a 60 day notice on my housing. This wasn’t a shock exactly, but the timing was greatly unexpected and unfortunate. I am living between a rock and a hard place at this point and the going only gets tougher. I don’t yet know if and/or when I’ll get unemployment benefits and I’m waiting on my severance check (2 weeks pay) to come in the mail. *Sigh*

No one seems to understand or believe me when they ask me what I’m going to do or “What’s your plan?” Plan?! Are you fucking kidding me?! I didn’t plan on being unemployed or losing my housing so soon! I can’t find new housing without verifiable income! I can’t afford to live anywhere in the entire bay area, no matter how much my next job might pay. If that sounds dire it’s because it is! Everything is fucked! I am doing my best to stay positive. I’m doing all I can to do all the right things.

The truth is I am fucking terrified! I haven’t been this scared for my future and safety and survival since I escaped my abuser when I was 19. This shit is hard as hell. I have no prospects. I have no options. I have nothing. There is no plan! I have to keep applying to every fucking job and contacting every possible apartment in the hopes that something just might pan out, but it all feels futile. I’m at wit’s end. A miracle is all I can hope for and I’m not entirely sure I believe in anything anymore.

All of this has also affected my health, physical and mental. I just started dance rehearsals and I’m already limping constantly from overdoing it on my own the other night. My anxiety is through the roof and even simple things feel like too much. I don’t know how I am going to make things work. Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am, how I’m a survivor and I’ll make it somehow. It’s taking all of my strength to keep my grip on reality. It all feels like far more than I can handle.

I really hope I don’t have to leave the bay area, it’s all I know. I’ve never lived anywhere else. My beloved Raven and her husband are moving to Nashville at the end of  the month and I am still in disbelief about it. I have an extremely difficult time asking for help, but I don’t even know what help I could ask for that would actually be helpful at this point. But maybe send some good thoughts, wishes, prayers, woo my way?

<3
S

I think it is valuable and important to talk about things that are difficult. I’m the gal that always seems to “go there” and I’m okay with that. I seem to have a friendly face or am just an obvious good listener? I dunno, but people always seem to come up to me and wanna talk to me. I’ve had people behind me in line tell me their entire medical history, unprompted. *Shrugs* I used to feel this was a curse but with age comes maturity? No, wisdom! Ha-ha! It’s true though, I’ve even had someone tell me some long tale only to end it with, “Why did I just tell you all of that?! Ha-ha! Sorry! You’re just so nice!” No worries.

I want to share with you today something that I’ve been struggling with and some unexpected feelings that came along for the ride. Firstly, I won’t go into it right now, but I’ve had some fat community related trauma that I’ve been healing from very slowly. With all of the other chaos in my life I had to be okay with the slowness of the healing and stepping away from things for awhile. Obviously my blogging has also dried up, though I’m not sure if that’s related or not. So I have been slowly getting back into the swing of things little by little, mostly on the sidelines and just trying to stay up to date with goings on and news. Meeting up with other local rad fatties for general socializing and camaraderie. Good stuff!

Last week Marilyn Wann set up a bunch of location based facebook pages for fats, like “Fat California” and such. I thought this was excellent and was very pleased when a friend added me to the group. I started to read folks introductions and gaze sweetly and fondly at their lovely pictures and descriptions of their lives and interests. I figured I should follow suit and began to look for a picture of myself to include with the introduction but soon found myself full of mixed emotions and then triggered completely and had to walk away from the internet for a day.

I didn’t feel worthy of being included in the group suddenly. I saw so many radical fats being their true authentic selves and living their lives on their own terms and I just don’t feel that way about myself right now. I used to. I have moments now where I get that feeling again but I am just not that gal anymore. I’m not as in-your-face as I was. I’m not the “here I am, deal with it” person I was just a couple of years ago. So much has happened, I’ve learned things and grew but also struggled to survive for so long that some things just don’t matter to me anymore.

I realized that I don’t take selfies anymore, even with others. I don’t do outfit pics or posts. I hadn’t posted a profile pic of myself in over a year and upon noticing this updates with a quick bathroom selfie. I wasn’t expecting such a big response when I posted it, but that is what I got! So when I got dolled up for a friends party I snapped a pic and posted it and again was blown away by the response. I hadn’t done my hair nice in ages! I hadn’t even worn a dress or had the energy to do so in so long…it’s bizarre! I’ve forgotten who I was.

The pic I chose for the FB Group (from Feb.2015)

At my friend’s lovely party I received such warmth and kindness and compliments, I felt so loved and seen! Gawd, it’s been a long time since I’ve felt SEEN! And I realized that selfies are way more than just “my hair is so cute today, y’all!” it’s more about “I Exist!” and that feels far more important and radical to me. In order to find who I am, in order to feel like the true me, I need to re-engage in these things that affirm and show me, literally, who I am and how I appear! I do exist!

And I started rehearsing with Tigress for the Big Moves Bay Area show again! Woo! Reconnecting with my body in a positive way is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo important!!!! OHMYGLOB!!! But with my recent spine injury I was nervous, worried, stressing and all of that at once. I’m being careful and patient with myself and things are so far feeling really good! If you’re in the San Francisco Bay Area the weekend of June 13 & 14th come on out for a fabulous, fat positive time! (Links below.) It’s always a great show, guaranteed to make you smile, laugh and love…fatty style!

Have you ever forgotten who you are or felt you’d lost touch with yourself? How’d you get it back or work it out?

My blog’s facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog:
http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS
Info and tickets for the Big Moves show:
http://on.fb.me/1FlmBOR
http://fatreign.brownpapertickets.com/
And as always, feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me:
notblueatall@notblueatall.com

Rad Fatty Love,
<3
S

A year ago?! (Setting up for a big event for my job at the time)

Right after the first Big Moves show I was in TWO years ago!

Later that same day, a friend had some fun with her fancy camera.

This is what I looked like while writing this very post! 
Yep, no makeup, no hair do, just regular ole me.
😛

Can we talk about the small stuff? Can we please just all give ourselves a pat on the fucking back for once?! For what? For surviving in this world, in this society. Just getting through a day, a night, an hour and a minute! Things are hard! If I catch myself thinking out more than a day in advance I have to stop because it is just too heavy. I’m in recovery mode here and stress is a killer! I can’t even, ya know?! So when something does go right, even if it’s tiny, I gotta celebrate that shit! Woo!
If I have to do all this adult-ing garbage, “hey, I didn’t sign up for this shit!”, then I get to make a big deal outta very little, dammit! I went to the post office today, woo hoo! I paid a bill! Yeeaahhhh! And I get to choose how I should celebrate. Right now it’s a glass of Cabernet and some Billy Holiday. Sounds way classier than it is, I promise, but it doesn’t matter. Celebrate the little things how you see fit, so long as it makes you feel good. I have a snoring puggo at my feet and Ms. Holiday’s velvety melodies soothing my soul. It ain’t all bad, ya know?

Sometimes I forget I’m fat. That seems absurd, no doubt. I’m a “DeathFat” at 325 lbs, plus with my red hair there’s just no missing me. I think I have surrounded myself with like minded people for so long that when I am on my own in public I feel like a regular person, I don’t feel bigger than others. I often even refer to myself as “little” but I know better. I know the world doesn’t see me this way. I have been shocked more often than I care to recall with what strangers have said to me in public about my size, my buying choices, food choices, etc. Today I got hit on in a CVS in a clever way and it actually made me feel good. I also forget that humans can be attracted to me.  It’s been awhile, y’all! Ha-ha!

I don’t have a problem with someone noticing my size, but we all get that manners are not optional in such matters, yes? Same for dudes who’s jaws drop when a girl’s showin’ some cleav’! I’m very comfortable in and with my body, but I am endlessly amazed at how disconnected folks are from theirs. I mean, the amount of space some people take up compared to what I know my body needs?! Whew! *Shrugs* Takes all types I suppose, but rudeness isn’t okay. I will tell a person when they cross a line with me. I owe no one a thing!

Having more free time lately has allowed me to wear clothes I haven’t in ages. I’m wearing dresses again and got my nails painted! It’s been 6 months! I toyed with the idea of chopping my hair, but friends talked me out of it. I’m glad that they did. My hair hasn’t been this long since 2004 (though it was down to my ass then)! I am learning to love me again. It’s been far too long. It’s such a strange feeling and so difficult to describe but it’s almost as if I haven’t seen myself in a year. Like, not even in the mirror. Like I’ve blocked out my own identity all of this time.

I’m definitely having an identity crisis. I don’t know what the fuck to do with my life right now. I get words of encouragement from well meaning friends about following passions and finding my creativity again, but you know, bills gotta get paid. I don’t even know what my passion is anymore. I don’t know what I’m good at or how what I can do or have done could turn into a long term job. So many people don’t understand (or don’t want to) what it takes to start or run a business, or that I have no interest or means to do this again. One crisis at a time, please. 😛

I’m definitely in a coming out of something bad phase. I don’t know where life or the universe will lead me next, but I am finding ways to be hopeful again.

Rad Fatty Love,
<3
S