If you told me even a month ago that I’d be moving back to my hometown I would have scoffed in your face and said something along the lines of, “As if!” (Just rewatched “Clueless” with my bf, my bad! Ha-ha!) But that’s the truth, I am moving back to my hometown at the end of the month. It’s real! Through the kindness of my beloved Raven and her family and family friend, I’ll be renting a little cottage behind their house. It’s my only option to be honest, but I’m so lucky and grateful to have it! And to be surrounded by such good people (not to mention dog people!) is just icing on the cake.

It’s humbling to go back there for me. There’s so many ghosts and bad memories. I have spent very little actual time there. It’s about 30 miles away from where I’ve been living the last 18 years, but it feels so different! I’m doing everything I can to stay positive and look on the bright side and all that jazz, but it’s also very confusing and hard! My abuser still lives there. My estranged family still lives there. But hey, my lil’ bro still lives there and I’ll get to see him more! I took him to see “Mad Max: Fury Road” last Friday and it was awesome to get some pizza and talk movies with him. Trying so hard, ya know?!

The puggo and I had a great time at the park yesterday.
I haven’t seen him this happy-tired in ages!

I’ve never lived alone before and this scares me. I told my bf, “How will I know if I’m crazy? I always check in with my roommate now…who will I check in with?!?!?!” he laughed and said I’ll be fine. I know he’s right, but he also has no idea how truly paranoid I am in my head…thanks to the five years I spent in a near-hostage situation with my abuser! Ugh! It’s all tangled together! I’ve done so much self work and healed so much and do the best I can but damn, how is it still always there?! I just have to keep going, keep hoping and keep breathing! And I am, but but but!!!

The job hunting this time has been just weird. I’m getting perceived as far younger than I am and thus not taken seriously until I am like, “Look, here’s what I bring to the table…” and they’re always like, “Oh.” Or yesterday’s interview where the hiring manager insisted I was overqualified over and over only to then say that I would be underqualified to grow out of the role i was overqualified for and they really prefer to hire people who will grow out of that position within two years and they’ll keep me in their roster. Blah blah blah. I get dinged for being confident in interviews, but I nail interiews! People always say, “I really like you!” or “I love you and wanna work with you!” and then I never hear from them again or I get the boilerplate rejection letter. UGH!

I don’t know what I am doing wrong. People insist I’m not doing anything wrong, but how can that be? In any case, I can’t change other people, but I can change me! But what can I change? How can I be over and underqualified for everything?! People do not make sense, nor do they listen to the words they speak to me. Last week this CEO looked at me sspiciously and said, “Well, you ARE confident.” I smiled and nodded in agreement, I’d done the job and many like it before, but I couldn’t tell if he thought my confidence was a good or a bad thing. I mean?!?!

I have a lot of bad days, but I’ve had a lot of good ones lately and I am endlessly grateful for those fleeting moments of goodness. I’m trying to strategize when I’m feeling blue or like today, just plain icky. So I coaxed myself out of bed (it was so hard!) with the promise of a local handmade donut. Then I went to Target for some TP and found myself some killer clearance bargains! After I finished my adulting, I rewarded myself with a big Strawberry Fields salad from Wendy’s (it’s SO good!!!). Now I’m home and applying to all the jobs and just feeling super lousy! I have dance rehearsal tonight and I need to feel better to have the energy to nail down this choreography but shit if it ain’t super hard to do things when your stomach hurts.

And my bff who was supposed to be coming to stay with me for nearly two weeks won’t be able to make it as she’s fallen severely ill and I’m worried about her. Major bummer, I was so looking forward to getting some quality time with her but also wow I hope she’s okay for real!!! My poor grrrl! <3 I also have to start packing and making some tough choices on what to get rid of. Living in a smaller space will work fine for me, I mostly keep to myslf and live simply, but my dressers and two bookcases will likely need to go. And the timing of the move is not optimal for friends availability to help so I have to find a moving company (I injured my spine in March). Scary adult things! Ha!

I’m excited for this new chapter of my life. I can’t wait to be settled into my little cottage. I can’t wait to find out what my next job will be and hope beyond hope that I might find an actual career path. I cannot take another abusive supervisor, I’ve met my quota and everyone else’s, too! I just wish I knew how better to approach this stuff with the whole looking younger and being over and underqualified for shit. I mean what am I supposed to do about that?! I don’t have any degrees, I’m a fucking high school drop out for fuck’s sake! But I do have over twenty years of solid and varied skills and work experience and for some reason that isn’t always valued (no I’m not giving my entire job history, only what’s relevant, I don’t want to give them a novel).  *Shrugs*

Whatever will be, will be?

<3
S