I think it is valuable and important to talk about things that are difficult. I’m the gal that always seems to “go there” and I’m okay with that. I seem to have a friendly face or am just an obvious good listener? I dunno, but people always seem to come up to me and wanna talk to me. I’ve had people behind me in line tell me their entire medical history, unprompted. *Shrugs* I used to feel this was a curse but with age comes maturity? No, wisdom! Ha-ha! It’s true though, I’ve even had someone tell me some long tale only to end it with, “Why did I just tell you all of that?! Ha-ha! Sorry! You’re just so nice!” No worries.

I want to share with you today something that I’ve been struggling with and some unexpected feelings that came along for the ride. Firstly, I won’t go into it right now, but I’ve had some fat community related trauma that I’ve been healing from very slowly. With all of the other chaos in my life I had to be okay with the slowness of the healing and stepping away from things for awhile. Obviously my blogging has also dried up, though I’m not sure if that’s related or not. So I have been slowly getting back into the swing of things little by little, mostly on the sidelines and just trying to stay up to date with goings on and news. Meeting up with other local rad fatties for general socializing and camaraderie. Good stuff!

Last week Marilyn Wann set up a bunch of location based facebook pages for fats, like “Fat California” and such. I thought this was excellent and was very pleased when a friend added me to the group. I started to read folks introductions and gaze sweetly and fondly at their lovely pictures and descriptions of their lives and interests. I figured I should follow suit and began to look for a picture of myself to include with the introduction but soon found myself full of mixed emotions and then triggered completely and had to walk away from the internet for a day.

I didn’t feel worthy of being included in the group suddenly. I saw so many radical fats being their true authentic selves and living their lives on their own terms and I just don’t feel that way about myself right now. I used to. I have moments now where I get that feeling again but I am just not that gal anymore. I’m not as in-your-face as I was. I’m not the “here I am, deal with it” person I was just a couple of years ago. So much has happened, I’ve learned things and grew but also struggled to survive for so long that some things just don’t matter to me anymore.

I realized that I don’t take selfies anymore, even with others. I don’t do outfit pics or posts. I hadn’t posted a profile pic of myself in over a year and upon noticing this updates with a quick bathroom selfie. I wasn’t expecting such a big response when I posted it, but that is what I got! So when I got dolled up for a friends party I snapped a pic and posted it and again was blown away by the response. I hadn’t done my hair nice in ages! I hadn’t even worn a dress or had the energy to do so in so long…it’s bizarre! I’ve forgotten who I was.

The pic I chose for the FB Group (from Feb.2015)

At my friend’s lovely party I received such warmth and kindness and compliments, I felt so loved and seen! Gawd, it’s been a long time since I’ve felt SEEN! And I realized that selfies are way more than just “my hair is so cute today, y’all!” it’s more about “I Exist!” and that feels far more important and radical to me. In order to find who I am, in order to feel like the true me, I need to re-engage in these things that affirm and show me, literally, who I am and how I appear! I do exist!

And I started rehearsing with Tigress for the Big Moves Bay Area show again! Woo! Reconnecting with my body in a positive way is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo important!!!! OHMYGLOB!!! But with my recent spine injury I was nervous, worried, stressing and all of that at once. I’m being careful and patient with myself and things are so far feeling really good! If you’re in the San Francisco Bay Area the weekend of June 13 & 14th come on out for a fabulous, fat positive time! (Links below.) It’s always a great show, guaranteed to make you smile, laugh and love…fatty style!

Have you ever forgotten who you are or felt you’d lost touch with yourself? How’d you get it back or work it out?

My blog’s facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog:
http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS
Info and tickets for the Big Moves show:
http://on.fb.me/1FlmBOR
http://fatreign.brownpapertickets.com/
And as always, feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me:
notblueatall@notblueatall.com

Rad Fatty Love,
<3
S

A year ago?! (Setting up for a big event for my job at the time)

Right after the first Big Moves show I was in TWO years ago!

Later that same day, a friend had some fun with her fancy camera.

This is what I looked like while writing this very post! 
Yep, no makeup, no hair do, just regular ole me.
😛