Just as I was really digging in and doing the hard work of personal growth and job hunting I get a 60 day notice on my housing. This wasn’t a shock exactly, but the timing was greatly unexpected and unfortunate. I am living between a rock and a hard place at this point and the going only gets tougher. I don’t yet know if and/or when I’ll get unemployment benefits and I’m waiting on my severance check (2 weeks pay) to come in the mail. *Sigh*

No one seems to understand or believe me when they ask me what I’m going to do or “What’s your plan?” Plan?! Are you fucking kidding me?! I didn’t plan on being unemployed or losing my housing so soon! I can’t find new housing without verifiable income! I can’t afford to live anywhere in the entire bay area, no matter how much my next job might pay. If that sounds dire it’s because it is! Everything is fucked! I am doing my best to stay positive. I’m doing all I can to do all the right things.

The truth is I am fucking terrified! I haven’t been this scared for my future and safety and survival since I escaped my abuser when I was 19. This shit is hard as hell. I have no prospects. I have no options. I have nothing. There is no plan! I have to keep applying to every fucking job and contacting every possible apartment in the hopes that something just might pan out, but it all feels futile. I’m at wit’s end. A miracle is all I can hope for and I’m not entirely sure I believe in anything anymore.

All of this has also affected my health, physical and mental. I just started dance rehearsals and I’m already limping constantly from overdoing it on my own the other night. My anxiety is through the roof and even simple things feel like too much. I don’t know how I am going to make things work. Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am, how I’m a survivor and I’ll make it somehow. It’s taking all of my strength to keep my grip on reality. It all feels like far more than I can handle.

I really hope I don’t have to leave the bay area, it’s all I know. I’ve never lived anywhere else. My beloved Raven and her husband are moving to Nashville at the end of  the month and I am still in disbelief about it. I have an extremely difficult time asking for help, but I don’t even know what help I could ask for that would actually be helpful at this point. But maybe send some good thoughts, wishes, prayers, woo my way?

<3
S