Today’s TMI post is about Knowing & Trusting Your Body and how others try to make you mistrust yourself or simply call you a liar. If this is triggering for you, please come back tomorrow for the regularly scheduled post. Thank so much.

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Knowing & Trusting Your Body…

And your experiences inside that body! Yeah, I said that. Why would I say it? Because, y’all, I had a moment the other night when talking to my husband about my dental work history (because part of my temporary filling broke off and I need to get in there to have it fixed) that made me realize that not only does my husband not remember shit, he also doesn’t trust my own experiences within my own fucking body. Don’t get me wrong, I love the man like no one else on this earth, but I felt invalidated and vulnerable and so I have this newest experience to share.

All of this turned into a discussion about all of the work I’ve had done on my teeth and what I still need. When I went into why I still have a temporary filling on a tooth that needs both gum surgery and a permanent crown he asked why I hadn’t had it done. OMZ! A.) We have no money! B.) the first time I had the same procedure done I came home with my face bruised on one entire side and my lips completely lacerated. It was so bad I almost couldn’t stand up long enough to pay. The ortho-surgeon knew it, too. He knew he was extra rough with me. He even made a fucking joke about it after. ASSHOLE! The moment I paid the tears came and the shitty receptionist look horrified (yes, she was rude and shitty, it must be said) as I ran to my fucking car!

It took me a couple of days before I called my own dentist to complain about the surgeon he referred me to. When he heard about my experience and the injuries that resulted he apologized profusely and insisted he will no longer refer his patients to him. I was in such pain and pretty shaken up that I think it triggered some old stuff at the same time, too. (Though I only realized this last night when retelling this story to my husband.) I felt fucking violated! To top it off I had to do the salt rinses for a month after until the stitches healed and I got my permanent crown installed. When I told my husband that I remember it so clearly because he gave me shit every single day and insisted I wasn’t doing the salt rinses correctly even though he wasn’t actually witnessing my doing them? I almost lost my temper. Almost, because then he mumbled something about my possibly not allowing him into the bathroom to inspect me. ASSHOLE!*

I knew at that moment that nothing I fucking said would make a damned difference. He did not believe me when I shared my own experience in my own body. Sometimes this is just the way of the world, even when you think you know a person, man, they can surprise you. And this isn’t the first time. This happens to fats the world over. Sadly, it even happens to those whose lives are filled with FA goodness. Ha-ha! He still doesn’t believe me when I say you cannot eat your way to diabetes (if this is the first time you’ve heard that sentence click here and read the comments, too). When I said that to friends one night you would have thought I took a shit on the floor in front of them (okay, not really). But jaws did drop and I was quickly shut down.

And this happens all of the time when you’re fat. Maybe not always because you’re fat, but I feel like it happens more when you are. We are called liars by our doctors, friends, family and dentists and treated much differently than our thinner counterparts. I had a dentist (not my regular one, he rocks) ask if I ate a lot of candy. When I said no he insisted, “There’s no candy bowl at the office? Hm?” I was infuriated! I mean, the nerve! But there it is folks, your good fat word isn’t good enough for the non-fat sometimes. So I am making it my personal mission that when this comes up again, because let’s face it it totally will, I will look the person dead in the eye and say slowly and clearly, “Really?! You are telling me that my own experience in my own body is a lie? You have some nerve and I would rather speak to someone who will talk to me like an adult human being!” We’ll see what happens. Ha-ha!

What have you been told was a lie when it obviously (to you at least) wasn’t? Have you been invalidated by someone you love? Tell me all about it.

*Yes, I can call him that, but no one else. Please do not for one second consider calling him names.

**Also, I am still accepting “Dear Auntie Fats” questions for an upcoming weekly advice type column. Please email any/all questions: notblueatall@notblueatall.com

Allow me to introduce myself, I’m NotBlueAtAll. Welcome to my blog. This here blog-a-ma-thing is all about Fat Acceptance! I often post about my own abuse survival, many topics of the TMI variety and sometimes fat fashion, too! I can be pretty random at times, but try to stay on-topic as much as possible. I offer myself as everyone’s  (FA)Auntie Fats and hope that if you’re an abuse survivor or in an abusive situation now that you reach out, and if there is no one else, I’m right here and I will listen!

I’m a 33 year old married lady with a pug and a tabby-cat. I own and run my own business. I’m a death fatty and I don’t even try to hide it! Radical stuff, no? I’ve been actively participating in Fat Acceptance (or FA) since 2006 and lurked for around a year or two prior to that. For me it all started with an article in BUST magazine about the U.K. Chubsters. This lead me to some blogs and eventually the Fatshionista community on LiveJournal.com. This is where it all came together for me. I realized that everything I’d been told simply wasn’t true. I met people online and later in real life (IRL) and they and FA continue to rock my socks on a daily basis. Because of that community I gained confidence and strength and started this blog! While it was at first all about art (or my concept of it) it soon turned into a strictly FA kind of thang! In June of 2010 I was invited to join the Fierce Free Thinking Fatties Feed and later the Notes From The Fat-O-Sphere Feed. Woo! Oh yeah! I also do podcasts with fellow fats and fat bloggers. It’s always a blast!

I have the greatest readers. Not in numbers, but in wit, humor and integrity! We support each other when times get tougher (because they’ve been tough for how long now?) and stand up for ourselves and others! We are strong and we are fattastic!

Of course, I’m on Twitter and Tumblr and you can ask me anything on FormSpring!

Get in touch or just hang out here, all of the action is in comments! I’ll be right here, answering questions and offering advice, building relationships and helping some heal from theirs. I’m like that weird girl in school with the best taste in music and movies and cool posters on her walls. Yeah, that’s me! So, relax and take a look around. I won’t bite ya!

<3
S

***Currently accepting any/all questions for a weekly “Dear Auntie Fats” post. You can email them here: notblueatall@notblueatall.com Ask anything at all: sex, relationships, health, music, movies, you name it! You will remain anonymous.

Sometimes I hear or see things that just strike a chord with me. I’m sure this happens to you, too. You hear or see something and you think to yourself, “Wow! That is so true/me!” And you have to just smile or laugh or whatever. It’s marvelous! This human connection we have.

I was listening to the radio yesterday and while most of what the show was about was full of hooey (in my opinion), but then they started to speak about self acceptance. Now within a specific frame or context, which is what I’m used to, it might sound like so much I’ve heard before. But then they said something very powerful and something that will be familiar to anyone in fat acceptance. They asked people to say out loud:

“I love and accept myself”

It’s so simple, yet difficult for many to say. Some of the people would start to say it, but then begin to cry or have to take deep breaths between words. One lady was very ashamed of being a smoker while also raising two young girls. So they had her say, “Even though I smoke, I love and accept myself.” She almost couldn’t do it. She had to restart a few times, but in the end she did it. I was moved!

I know some of you subscribe to Golda Poretsky’s weekly affirmations, and this may have been one of them at some point, but this is so very basic and worth saying out loud for yourself, to yourself, every single day! Try it out and let me know how it feels. Why? Because it feels pretty damned good if you ask me!

I’ve been on my own self acceptance journey for nearly six years now and I can honestly say that I love and accept myself. Now more than ever! And I love and accept you, too! I hope that you can find whatever it takes within you to love and accept yourself, always.

<3
S

It seems we’re talking about it even when we’re trying not to, so let’s address it directly, shall we? (TW for mentions of weight loss)

I know, I know, just existing is seen as a big fucking deal when you have a fat body sometimes, I get it! Believe me, I GET IT! And it is especially difficult when the hate spewing or diet talk is coming from those you love and trust and damn, dude, it’s HARD! I know that I want to be informed and come across as such but then in the moment, well, sometimes I don’t have the words. And you know what? That’s okay, too! A sound of dismayed frustration is a perfectly acceptable response to someone’s fat hate/diet talk (to me they feel similar at times). Realize that when you speak up/out against what would be the publicly accepted norm that you are troubling those waters.Picture the ripples and just go with it! Rock that boat! =0)

While often we must deal with the misinformed or misguided, often people say the things they do due to their own experience of pain and outrage about their own weight. Your very existence reminds them of this and so they might feel compelled to say something hateful because you represent the thing that should not be in themselves. When you meet this rage or what have you with compassion and empathy? Well, in my experience, this just throws them off track completely. Random person, “I wanted to tell you about how I lost XX lbs…” Me, “Oh! That’s sweet of you to think of me. I appreciate the thought. It’s okay though, I’m perfectly happy with my body. How are you feeling today?” Usually does the trick, honestly! It’s like reverse concern trolling! Ha!

OOH! Reverse concern trolling? Yep! It can be done! I would warn that each situation may need to be handled differently, but hey the more facts and figures you have the better you will sound. I personally recommend this book & site for help in this. I wish every person could read “Health At Every Size” by Linda Bacon PHD. It rocked my socks and it will yours as well. You can start with the health over weight argument. Or how toxins stored in your fat cells can be released into your bloodstream and can make you quite sick when losing weight. Of course the 95-98% failure rate of dieting. Appeal to their self-interest!

Remember that deep down the person (hopefully) is just hoping for good things to happen for you. To them this may seem like weight loss is the good thing, but if their argument is overall health and not appearance, then they are trying at least. And you can help them by referring them to web sites or books or if you’ve memorized some handy stats, do offer those, too. While listening to Marilyn Wann on the Body Love Revolution tele-summit recently, I was impressed with her comparison of health care to a life raft. How can you exclude a very specific group of people from being saved? You can’t, it’s wrong…Next!

Be the conscientious objector! You don’t have to start yelling or calling anyone names, just object mindfully and remain calm (especially with family, damn they do know how to push your buttons). Explain what you think is the underlying problem or voice your own beliefs on the subject and/or move on and change the subject. Or, you know what? Walk the hell out! One caller from that same tele-summit with Ms.Wann said that he left the dinner table with his family when they started in on the diet talk saying, “I would much rather be listening to an awesome fat activist.” and he just left! That is so rad! But do get up and leave and don’t just be dramatic for no reason or you’ll end up like that sketch on SNL where Kristen Wiig’s character keeps getting up and flicking her dinner napkin until they beg her to come back to the table (about eleventy times). Ha-ha! (Sorry, tried to find a clip, but no dice.)

There is also power in being the equivalent to the Boogey Man! I mean, in this moral panic sort of environment, why not capitalize on this way of thinking and just scare the shit out of people? Ha-ha!

How do you deal with fat haters? What would you like to see in the face of this hate? Share your victory story against fat hate or make one up! We’ll never know. Ha!

Thanks,
<3
S

The concept of being in the fat closet was first brought to my attention by my great friend WithoutScene. I had never thought of it in this way before. I don’t know that I “came out” of the fat closet per se, but just slowly and steadily kept saying the word fat and talked about all of my fave bloggers and happenings and books. For my 33rd b-day I took my friends to see the Fat Fly Girls in Oakland! I am so fortunate to have such fabulous and accepting friends, for sure. And I was amazed while wearing my “Fat” necklace when a customer said to me, “You’re not fat, you’re traditionally built!” We had a great laugh over that one.

But I still haven’t talked about fat or fat acceptance or any of it to my family. Eh. I just don’t have the sanity points to spend at the moment. Nearly all of my friends know or find out through my facebook or whatever. I’m not exactly the shy or silent type! Ha-ha! I think it took my husband awhile to get comfortable with the concepts, but then he read the “Lesson From the Fat-O-Sphere” book and got on board. I still have friends who know all about it, even read this blog, but still struggle with accepting themselves and that is totally okay. In fact, it’s downright normal!

I used to absolutely keep my fat stuff separate from my work stuff. This is something I struggle with still, personal stuff mixing with work stuff. Ugh! I never know and I usually get hurt when those lines blur. One time during a job interview when I was asked about any hobbies, interests, volunteer work, etc I simply blurted out that I’m a fat activist and started to explain fat acceptance until I saw the look of sheer horror on the woman’s face. Ha-ha! Oops! Sorry, was my fat acceptance showing? My bad! NOT!

Now I hesitate before explaining it unless I otherwise already feel comfortable with the person or just wanna feel ’em out that way, ya know? I’m wondering how this goes for others in the ‘sphere. Did you come out of the fat closet? Who did you tell? Why them? Do you keep fat things separate?

Thanks,

<3
S

PS: Wondering about that Dan Savage thing? Check out friend of the blog Mrs. Sprat’s take over on lipidlove.blogspot.com today!