Almost every week day on my commute home I listen to “Hard Knock Radio” on KPFA (94.1 in the bay area) a listener sponsored radio station. The show covers news, views and hip hop culture and music. I love this show for so many reasons, but yesterday I knew I was just lucky to have the opportunity to tune in. Yesterday’s show examined childhood sexual trauma with fimmaker Dedoceo Habi, songstress Yolanda Davis and hip-hop producer/educator Naru Kwina. Together they have produced a song about childhood sexual abuse, “Mystified” here is the video, please watch (no swearing that I heard, no violence depicted, should be safe for work):

*Trigger Warning for description of abuse*

You can listen to the entire show here.

I was so impressed with how this sensitive topic was discussed. Host Anita Johnson shared her personal childhood abuse story and really asked the important questions. While they were mainly discussing abuse and how it is handled/addressed in African American communities and what could be done within the community to help end the shame/guilt/silence and denial, I felt that this coudl easily be applied to many if not all communities.

The truth is 1 in 3 women were sexually abused as a child. That is huge! Look around, how many women do you know? Think about those numbers again. One in Three! (Sorry, I do not have the statistic for men at this time, if you do please let me know.) And the only way to stop the abuse and to do something about it at all is to end the silence and tell someone! It may feel like the most terrifying thing to consider right now, even if it happened a very long time ago, but telling someone helps. It has helped me.

I have often talked about my own abuse and survival here. What I have not mentioned previously (or described to anyone else) is that I was also molested as a little girl, too. I think I was 6 or 7. He was a friend of my best friend’s family. He had been around for awhile, but we had never gone anywhere in his car with him until that day. I forget what excuse he made for stopping at his apartment, I think we were getting lunch and he wanted to stop and pick up a gift for us…at least that is what I think it was. So it was me and my best friend in his car. This man had to be in his fifties if not older. When we got there he showed us a scrapbook of the kids he sponsored in Africa and other far off lands. Like the ones on TV.

Then he said he had a gift for us. Being poor I always questioned gifts unless they were from my grandmas. But my best friend said it was okay and that her mom knew and said it was okay and that he gave great gifts. I remember a bunch of plastic beads that he gave us. I recall hexagonal shaped aqua beads that had a crystal-like look, though they were plastic (I kept those beads for a few years, but never worse them.) Then he instructed us to go into the bathroom together and change into these two nightgowns. I threw mine on quickly and was waiting for my best friend to follow suit. She insisted, quite anxious and nervously, that I remove my underwear before going out to our “fashion show” for him. I argued with her, but in the end relented.

When we were ready, I walked out first and twirled, just like a model. He praised us and scooped me into his lap on his old couch. He bounced me on his knee a few times and then started to straighten the nightgown. Then he began to touch my thighs and finally my vagina. He whispered in my ear, “See, doesn’t that feel so good?” Not understanding really what he was doing, why or what I should say, I simply closed my eyes and said, “Yeah.” I do not know how long this went on, only that it wasn’t very long and I asked almost the moment he put me down onto my feet again, “Can I change now?” and he said that I could. I ran into the bathroom and put my clothes back on. Remembering my best friend I quickly ran back into the living room to get her. It was at this point I felt something was terribly wrong. I started to say that I was hungry and we needed to go. He offered us cookies, I think, but I refused.

We finally went back to my best friend’s house and I don’t think I saw him again until he was in the courtroom. Yes, he was convicted of molesting us and others. I didn’t tell. I carry that with me to this very day. I even denied it to the police when they questioned me. They showed me pictures he had taken of us (I don’t remember a camera, but I do remember the pictures) and I insisted I was wearing underwear and that he had not touched me. I am guessing that it was an obvious lie and the adults discussed this, though I am not sure. My friend and I never talked about it. I remember being called to the principal’s office one day many months or even a year after it happened. My parents picked me up and took me to court. I think they asked if I knew a man named “BJ” and I said that I did and how I knew him. They asked if he “touched” me and I said no. I think he got 7 years in prison. My best friend and I remained so for many years after. But we never mentioned it to each other.We haven’t been in touch since 6th grade or so. I will always wonder if she held this against me. Today I wish that I had said something, to someone, anyone!

I have never received any type of therapy. I have never shared the above with anyone. Usually I just say, “Oh, yes, I was molested as a kid.” and leave it at that. I now realize how important it is to share my story with others. So many of you reached out to me when I shared my own abuse survival story a few months back. Thank you! I am certainly not qualified to help in any sort of medical way, but I am an open ear, a free shoulder and I firmly believe in venting and a good rant. I offer myself to anyone who needs an unbiased and non-judgmental sounding board: notblueatall@notblueatall.com

I would also like to provide a link to the Rape Abuse & Incest National Network or RAINN they offer free, live help and a ton of resources. And a commenter in another post gave me this link for Violence UnSilenced which is a blog for people to share their abuse and survival stories. I urge you to tell someone, anyone! Let us all heal from what has been done to us. It was never our fault and we should be free of the weight of that burden.

Thank you,

<3
S

Okay, I get that there are people in the world who actually don’t masturbate for various and personal reasons. That’s cool. I also get that there are people who have no interest in sex at all. Also totally cool. No judgments from me. This post, though, may not be for you.
Also, if you know me or just don’t wanna hear about me masturbating, you can skip this post and come back tomorrow. Thanks!!! <3

Masturbation(link informative and cool, but NSFW): noun 1.the stimulation or manipulation of one’s own genitals, esp. to orgasm; sexual self-gratification. 2.the stimulation, by manual or other means exclusive of coitus, of another’s genitals, esp. to orgasm.

Well, that’s the dictionary definition anyway. I love all of the various euphemisms for it, but whatever you prefer, rock on! I’m talking about getting yourself (what I use when any other way won’t work). It’s something so very basic and normal, yet somehow our wonderful (sarcasm here) society has dubbed it taboo, or worse, Icky! Not in my book (oh wait, I have to write a book to say I have a book? F-that!)! It’s a great thing to do. It’s a great way to relax, treat yourself, let off some steam (ha!) or just do it for the sake of it. Ya know? And certainly we’re not the only beasts in nature doing it! Let’s discuss!

I can’t recall when I began masturbating, but I think I was about 13 or 14 when I started to orgasm from it. What a revelation! Ha! It was certainly all I had personally experienced in the way of sex until I actually lost my virginity later. It was also at this time that I started dating (I was always boy crazy) and fantasizing about guys and make-outs and all of that happy stuff. Even now as a married lady, I totally still masturbate. Sure I don’t have to, I could always ask for a hand or wait until my husband comes home or whatever the situation may be…but sometimes it’s just necessary! And that is totally rad!

I hate that masturbation is rarely talked about and often viewed as shameful. Fuck a whole lot of that! Ha! No, I think it’s kind of essential. I mean, you probably won’t die if you never do it, but I just prefer to live with it than without. And I sort of believe that everyone does it or has at the very least tried it once! No matter where you are, who you are or where you come from, you’ve probably gotten your rocks off at some point in your life. Just sayin’!

I wanted to talk about fat masturbation today. Why fat? Well, because I think it’s often overlooked and because I’m fat and I masturbate. Fair enough? Okay. Some of you may be thinking, “How would fat affect masturbating at all?” Well, in the same way it can affect sex! Positions matter, man! Some prefer the old fashioned way, while others prefer varying positions and toys. TOYS!

When I say old fashioned way I mean laying on your back with your legs apart. I would equate it to missionary intercourse. And I used to think that this was the only way to go about it, but then you spend enough time on your own and well you figure things out. I’m at the point now where I know how my parts work and what I need to do to them in order to get off. However, I have found that a lot of women do not in fact know their anatomy very well and either don’t masturbate or only do so on occasion and not as a regular thing. I encourage everyone (regardless of gender) to try stuff and see how it works. I am of the belief that you can’t fully enjoy partnered sex until you understand what works for you.

On the topic of toys, I have very limited experience and use. I generally go for clitoral stimulators/vibrators, but just recently bought a combo that, while not perfect or mind blowing, gets the job done in a way that I like. I have tried two different ones that claim g-spot stimulation, but they failed. I’m not particularly interested in the great g-spot expedition, but thought I’d give it a try! And that’s the cool part, tryin’ stuff! Try lube! Guys! Gals! Try it! It rocks! I was very apprehensive about it at first. I thought it meant my lady bits were dryer than the Sahara desert, but no, it’s not and lube is fun!

I would love to talk about varying techniques, toys, positions and everything in between. Please comment and share. Don’t be shy, we’re all pals here! What works for you, what doesn’t? Do you require music or just a spot away from the action?

Not sure about you, but I sure as hell am sick and tired of the “status quo” and all of their supposed quo-ness! Ha! If you haven’t heard about Golda Poretsky’s tele-classes, well, you’re in for some good stuff!

I first found Golda’s blog over at bodylovewellness.com and signed up for a free tele-class with the topic “Feel sexy at any size.” I found it quite informative and fantastic for those who haven’t been around teh fat-o-sphere for very long or who are struggling with their body acceptance. I was quite happy to be in the class, however, even though it wasn’t something I was struggling with at the time (because Maude knows we all struggle from time to time).

Now Golda has assembled a group of amazing women who are at the forefront of the revolution for a free tele-summit! They will explore everything from plus size fashion to bigger bodies in art and the science of Health At Every Size. And the people she has lined up? Well, I am just in awe and cannot wait for this to begin! You can view the schedule and guests here. You can register here. I registered and am so excited!

I think that this will be quite an important event for the fat-o-sphere. I’ll do my best to recap the day after each call for those who are unable to attend, but I’m sure Golda will also have recordings available after as well. I would love to hear from anyone else on the calls, too. Perhaps the day after each one I’ll post some thoughts and topics and we can get to discussing in comments…sound good?

Please do consider registering, it’s free and for sure you’ll learn something from these amazing, revolutionary women!

I don’t do Trigger Warnings, but this is all kinds of triggering. So this is a Trigger Warning for pretty much anything and everything relating to diet talk, weight loss and so much more. Ugh! (Also, I swear!)

A&E has a new show called, “Heavy” from the site: A&E’s new docudrama Heavy follows twenty-two individuals facing extreme life-threatening health consequences as a result of their obesity. The one-hour series follows two participants per episode documenting their incredible transformations during a six month treatment program.

(The ad at the top right when I loaded the page was for onestopplus.com, the one at the bottom of the page is from avenue.com, irony much?)

The ad I found in a magazine I subscribe to (Entertainment Weekly) is what made me look it up. The image for the ad seems overly doctored and just weird. A woman standing on a scale blank-faced, staring right at you. Also, the people in the ad/ads aren’t actually from the show, they could be models or CGI, not sure. But it bugged me enough to go online and look it up. The tag line for the series, “Losing is their only hope.” UGH!

“Unlike other weight loss series, “Heavy” is not a competition or stunt, but is rooted in the incredible real life day-to-day journeys of the participants during a lengthy treatment program. In order to most accurately document these multiple weight loss journeys over the course of six months and present them individually in one hour, A&E sought out two different production companies to undertake the lengthy and ambitious filming process. The result is a never-before-seen look at the unique struggles faced by dangerously obese individuals who must learn to live healthier lifestyles and understand the root of their food addictions. Through their day-to-day struggle and the voices of their loved ones, viewers will see first hand the pain and self-doubt associated with a debilitating weight problem.”

This makes me feel ill. I just don’t have the words right now. I won’t discount that some people do have food addictions, and maybe everyone they chose for the series does have one, but not all fats have a fucking food addiction! That’s absurd! Well, except for the simple fact that all living things NEED FOOD!!! WTF?! I have never watched any weight loss series/show. I have seen clips from “Biggest Loser” and decided on my own that it wasn’t for me. And after reading Golda’s interview with BL finalist Kai Hibbard I knew it wasn’t going to “entertain” me, at all. The whole concept sickens me. But I digress…

“In the premiere episode, viewers meet Tom and Jodi, both 37 from Houston, TX, and learn why they are heavy and how they must reverse their lifestyles or die.”

This is what pissed me off most: “Jodi, 5-foot-6 and 363 pounds, is at a critical juncture with her health. Her heaviness prevents her from keeping up with her husband and two children and from her favorite pastime, singing with her brothers in a band.”

What the fucking fuck?! My weight has never stood in the way of keeping up with my husband and our puppy or my love of singing…SINGING! It mentions her fear of suffering another stroke. And this: -Wants to lose the weight to avoid another stroke
Am I wrong here? I thought a stroke was a blood clot in the brain, no? How the hell does weight affect this? If I’m wrong, let me know. I know that individual experiences differ so very greatly, but I just don’t buy any of this.

The Bios page is the worst bit for me. You click on a picture and it gives the “bio” for the person. Only, it’s no bio like I’ve seen, it’s only stats, health problems, limitations and “stakes.” I mean, half of these people, when you read what it is that they want, they just need FA & HAES! One gal, Julia, says “Scared of getting diabetes” under health problems. So, wait…she doesn’t even have any health problems! WTF?!

Look, the ignorance runs deep with this show. It makes me sad and angry. And this anger, this very special kind of anger that cuts right to the heart of my big fat fucking body, it fuels my fat activist flame! It is because of stupid bullshit like this being broadcast to the masses (not sure what the ratings are like for A&E, but it’s more than ten people and that’s too many) that I and so many other fat bloggers/activists work to spread the word, support one another and just be publicly fat and happy, dammit!

Had these people been introduced to Fat Acceptance before being approached by A&E they may have an entirely different outlook on themselves, life and the world all together. I know I do!

So what can we do to spread the word on FA & HAES? How can we let A&E know that this show is bullshit? What else can we do?

I just had the most gorgeous and lovely piece of chocolate (Ritter Sport Milk Chocolate with Butter Biscuit inside it, glorious!) and I am finally, FINALLY, satisfied. You see, lovelies, when I get hormonal before my lady-times (ha-ha! My period for the uninitiated), I want two things: Bread & Chocolate! This last cycle o’ mine I had bought a seemingly nice bar of fancy chocolate at Cost Plus World Market, but when I had a piece it was nothing like what I had imagined. It was less flavorful, there was no body to it’s texture and it left me wanting something else. While choosing this silly choco-bar, I eyed my beloved Ritter Sport, but the price was a bit high for a damned candy bar, so I left it in favor if the on-sale one. Boo! Since then all I wanted was a decent piece of fucking chocolate. And now? I’m satisfied!

I had intended to write a big post today about weight loss ads and their devious and disgusting ways, but this little piece of chocolate loving heaven left me in a better head space and why muck it up with negativity, ya know?

I am sick and tired of hearing or seeing people who clearly want one thing opt for another simply because it appears better/healthier/trendier/fancier/etc. FUCK ALL OF THAT! If you want a piece of Boston Cream Pie, well you won’t be satisfied by a tiny cup of yogurt flavored to taste like it. Just grab yourself some actual BCP and you may just find that you don’t need to eat the whole thing or maybe you do and then you won’t have that craving again. Denying yourself leads to obsession and poor choices or dangerous behaviors (I could have hurt someone had I not indulged in my little choco-fix).

This all goes along with self-care! Listen to your body signals and cues and it’s okay to question them, but don’t deny them! If you want full-fat milk, have a glass! If you want a coke, go for it! Don’t settle for non-fat or diet versions of the real thing if that’s what you want (not to mention the chemicals in these beasties-yeeesh!).

I hear this shit all of the time at my cafe, women (mostly, though there was that one MD, ha-ha!) will order something and then comment about what they really want! Yes, I encourage them to get what they want, but in the end I cannot force anyone to do anything. In my experience my desire for something only grows when I want it and don’t get it. Light freaking quality opaque tights in my size in gorgeously rich colors (and that I can afford, I know, a unicorn!). Ahem. I digress…

Whatever your heart or belly or tongue or brain or body, etc, wants, please do allow yourself that. You’re worth it. <3