I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Ending Your Silence (TW Abuse)


Almost every week day on my commute home I listen to “Hard Knock Radio” on KPFA (94.1 in the bay area) a listener sponsored radio station. The show covers news, views and hip hop culture and music. I love this show for so many reasons, but yesterday I knew I was just lucky to have the opportunity to tune in. Yesterday’s show examined childhood sexual trauma with fimmaker Dedoceo Habi, songstress Yolanda Davis and hip-hop producer/educator Naru Kwina. Together they have produced a song about childhood sexual abuse, “Mystified” here is the video, please watch (no swearing that I heard, no violence depicted, should be safe for work):

*Trigger Warning for description of abuse*

You can listen to the entire show here.

I was so impressed with how this sensitive topic was discussed. Host Anita Johnson shared her personal childhood abuse story and really asked the important questions. While they were mainly discussing abuse and how it is handled/addressed in African American communities and what could be done within the community to help end the shame/guilt/silence and denial, I felt that this coudl easily be applied to many if not all communities.

The truth is 1 in 3 women were sexually abused as a child. That is huge! Look around, how many women do you know? Think about those numbers again. One in Three! (Sorry, I do not have the statistic for men at this time, if you do please let me know.) And the only way to stop the abuse and to do something about it at all is to end the silence and tell someone! It may feel like the most terrifying thing to consider right now, even if it happened a very long time ago, but telling someone helps. It has helped me.

I have often talked about my own abuse and survival here. What I have not mentioned previously (or described to anyone else) is that I was also molested as a little girl, too. I think I was 6 or 7. He was a friend of my best friend’s family. He had been around for awhile, but we had never gone anywhere in his car with him until that day. I forget what excuse he made for stopping at his apartment, I think we were getting lunch and he wanted to stop and pick up a gift for us…at least that is what I think it was. So it was me and my best friend in his car. This man had to be in his fifties if not older. When we got there he showed us a scrapbook of the kids he sponsored in Africa and other far off lands. Like the ones on TV.

Then he said he had a gift for us. Being poor I always questioned gifts unless they were from my grandmas. But my best friend said it was okay and that her mom knew and said it was okay and that he gave great gifts. I remember a bunch of plastic beads that he gave us. I recall hexagonal shaped aqua beads that had a crystal-like look, though they were plastic (I kept those beads for a few years, but never worse them.) Then he instructed us to go into the bathroom together and change into these two nightgowns. I threw mine on quickly and was waiting for my best friend to follow suit. She insisted, quite anxious and nervously, that I remove my underwear before going out to our “fashion show” for him. I argued with her, but in the end relented.

When we were ready, I walked out first and twirled, just like a model. He praised us and scooped me into his lap on his old couch. He bounced me on his knee a few times and then started to straighten the nightgown. Then he began to touch my thighs and finally my vagina. He whispered in my ear, “See, doesn’t that feel so good?” Not understanding really what he was doing, why or what I should say, I simply closed my eyes and said, “Yeah.” I do not know how long this went on, only that it wasn’t very long and I asked almost the moment he put me down onto my feet again, “Can I change now?” and he said that I could. I ran into the bathroom and put my clothes back on. Remembering my best friend I quickly ran back into the living room to get her. It was at this point I felt something was terribly wrong. I started to say that I was hungry and we needed to go. He offered us cookies, I think, but I refused.

We finally went back to my best friend’s house and I don’t think I saw him again until he was in the courtroom. Yes, he was convicted of molesting us and others. I didn’t tell. I carry that with me to this very day. I even denied it to the police when they questioned me. They showed me pictures he had taken of us (I don’t remember a camera, but I do remember the pictures) and I insisted I was wearing underwear and that he had not touched me. I am guessing that it was an obvious lie and the adults discussed this, though I am not sure. My friend and I never talked about it. I remember being called to the principal’s office one day many months or even a year after it happened. My parents picked me up and took me to court. I think they asked if I knew a man named “BJ” and I said that I did and how I knew him. They asked if he “touched” me and I said no. I think he got 7 years in prison. My best friend and I remained so for many years after. But we never mentioned it to each other.We haven’t been in touch since 6th grade or so. I will always wonder if she held this against me. Today I wish that I had said something, to someone, anyone!

I have never received any type of therapy. I have never shared the above with anyone. Usually I just say, “Oh, yes, I was molested as a kid.” and leave it at that. I now realize how important it is to share my story with others. So many of you reached out to me when I shared my own abuse survival story a few months back. Thank you! I am certainly not qualified to help in any sort of medical way, but I am an open ear, a free shoulder and I firmly believe in venting and a good rant. I offer myself to anyone who needs an unbiased and non-judgmental sounding board:

I would also like to provide a link to the Rape Abuse & Incest National Network or RAINN they offer free, live help and a ton of resources. And a commenter in another post gave me this link for Violence UnSilenced which is a blog for people to share their abuse and survival stories. I urge you to tell someone, anyone! Let us all heal from what has been done to us. It was never our fault and we should be free of the weight of that burden.

Thank you,


posted under Abuse, Blog, Buzz, Free, inspiration, news
11 Comments to

“Ending Your Silence (TW Abuse)”

  1. On January 21st, 2011 at 12:52 pm heavyaura Says:

    Amazing post — thank you so much for sharing your story.

  2. On January 21st, 2011 at 1:01 pm Not Blue at All Says:

    Thank you! And thank you for reading & commenting!

  3. On January 21st, 2011 at 4:34 pm Twistie Says:

    (Hugs you)

    Keep sharing. It’s the only way to bring the cruelty into the light and find a way to stop it.

  4. On January 22nd, 2011 at 9:37 am Not Blue at All Says:

    Thanks. *hugs back*

  5. On January 21st, 2011 at 6:42 pm The Well-Rounded Mama Says:

    Thank you for your courage in speaking up and sharing!

    It’s far more common than many people realize.

  6. On January 22nd, 2011 at 9:38 am Not Blue at All Says:

    Thank you for reading & commenting. It helps knowing that perhaps someone will read and hopefully end their silence or prevent abuse somehow.

  7. On January 21st, 2011 at 8:58 pm sabrina Says:

    I am honoring your incredible strength and courage, thank you for sharing your story.

  8. On January 22nd, 2011 at 9:39 am Not Blue at All Says:

    You’re very welcome. And Thank you for reading it and commenting.

  9. On January 22nd, 2011 at 4:39 pm Christine Says:

    As ever, I’m amazed by how open and honest you are – you’re an inspiration and incredibly brave x


  10. On January 24th, 2011 at 8:43 am Not Blue at All Says:

    Thank you. I don’t feel very brave, but I do feel compelled lately to share my stories so that hopefully someone else will feel comfortable enough to out their abuser or finally unburden themselves of the horrible guilt and shame that we all carry with us. Thank you for reading and commenting. It’s my readers that truly keep me going. <3

  11. On February 21st, 2011 at 11:21 am NotBlueAtAll » Blog Archive » Hi, I’m NotBlueAtAll… Says:

    […] Allow me to introduce myself, I’m NotBlueAtAll. Welcome to my blog. This here blog-a-ma-thing is all about Fat Acceptance! I often post about my own abuse survival, many topics of the TMI variety and sometimes fat fashion, too! I can be pretty random at times, but try to stay on-topic as much as possible. I offer myself as everyone’s  (FA)Auntie Fats and hope that if you’re an abuse survivor or in an abusive situation now that you reach out, and if there is no one else, I’m right here and I will listen! […]

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