I just had a very surreal experience. My friend, business neighbor and sometimes mentor came to me for advice. You see, she doesn’t see her son and his girlfriend very often but happened to have dinner with them over the weekend and she now is full of guilt. She knows that she hurt them with her words/suggestions, but it wasn’t her intention at all. They were having a conversation and I am not sure how it came up but she was trying to offer to pay for a trainer for them, but it came out wrong and her son said something to the effect of “we don’t want a trainer or your suggestions/advice about our bodies.” I don’t think she even got the part about paying for it out, but it doesn’t matter.

She tells me that her son and his girlfriend are 300 pounds. They don’t eat healthy, they don’t exercise. They aren’t healthy and because she has diabetes she fears her son will soon as well. She just wants them to get married and start a family and she thought her suggestion would help them get on their way towards their future. They want to get married, but her son insists they won’t until they can buy a house. (My husband and I struggle with waiting to have a kid until we can buy a home/become financially stable.) My friend insists that she just wants her son, who is so smart, to have a happy and healthy life! But her words came out wrong and now she feels terrible about it.

So she came to me for advice and to help her write a letter of apology. But I have to tell you, I made sure she understood their perspective, too! I asked her if she would ever suggest to me to lose weight? She said that it would depend on the situation and our relationship. So I said, “If you knew I was getting married, would you try to suggest/offer/help/insist that I should lose weight?” She didn’t answer. So I said, “When you tell someone that they need to lose weight you are telling them that their body is somehow wrong or bad. That their body is the enemy and they should work against it. This then makes them unhappy about their bodies (she says they already are) and thus causes stress and possible illness.” I was so glad that she was listening. I then went on to explain some statistics and explain that only a small fraction of the population can keep weight off after losing it. That no matter how hard we work and do everything by the book, most of us are simply going to be fat. That fat bodies aren’t bad bodies. That no one chooses to have a fat body. And that fat in and of itself is not unhealthy. I did assure her that because diabetes runs in her family and that she has it that yes, her son should be aware and checked regularly.

However, when she insisted that they eat terribly unhealthy, I interrupted her and insisted that she doesn’t know. She can’t know without being with them 24/7.  I explained to her that I had had many doctors insist I was lying about what I ate and how that made me feel. She realized I was right and did say that when they eat at home that they eat very well. Ah! I explained that yes, I get discriminated against for being so fat, but that it’s never kept me from doing anything that I’ve truly wanted to do.

She began to cry and kept insisting that she just wants a good life for her son. So I tried my best to console her with some facts: She set her son up to have a much better life than she had growing up. That she is a fantastic role model who carved out her own business in a big city while she was very young and a single mother, too! That by her excellent example she really set her son up for success! And he’s only 30 and has so much of his life ahead of him. She said that she knew this and she just really felt terrible about hurting them. She struggles with her own health management and works out regularly, sees a nutritionist often and relies upon her church for support. I explained that she has to let him find his own way. That success and all that life has to offer will find it’s way to him and that they will get married when they are ready.

She is going to come back later to write the letter and I have to say that while I was caught off-guard when she brought this to my attention and asked for advice, I am actually glad that she came to me of all people. Who else would stick up for the fatties rather than push the typical dieting agenda? I can only imagine the awful things someone might say in support of her wanting them to be healthy. I refuse to bow to those ways ever again and will not allow anyone I consider to be a good friend push those agendas on someone they love either. I feel as though a great opportunity has been laid before me and I must take it and help her understand the fat perspective and how to nurture a relationship with her son that has been cold and distant for some time. I have no doubt that their weight and her opinion of it has created a lot of the distance. Who would want to hear about that shit whenever they see a loved one? NOBODY!!!

I will let y’all know how this works out, one way or another. Thank you for reading. Thank you for being. Thank you and thank you!
<3
S

Also, if this is something you’re dealing with on the other end, please check out this fabulous post with tips from LiveOnceJuicy!

Edited To Add: She never came back yesterday, but this morning she asked if I would just write it for her. This feels weird, but again, such an opportunity for getting the fat positive message out there, ya know? If anyone has suggestions, please let me know! Thanks again!

Yesterday I grabbed the mail as I always do when I get home, before I hit the stairs to my apartment. There was only one bill and a chunk of ads/junk mail. I usually flip through the junk and search for local restaurant coupons and recycle the rest. However, I came across something I’d never seen before, well, not in this format anyway (forgive the crumpled nature of the pics as I originally wanted to toss this ad, but decided to share instead):
Yes, you read that right. In case you didn’t or are in doubt, here’s what it says (I refuse to publish their phone number): “THE FDA SIGNIFICANTLY LOWERED THE MINIMUM WEIGHT REQUIREMENTS FOR THE LAP-BAND!” Like I was fucking waiting for this announcement in my mailbox to arrive, biting my nails in anticipation. Fuck that!

And the real kicker:
The photo of the headless fatties wouldn’t upload, but I think these make the point just fine on their own. UGH! And yes, PPO insurance does cover this surgery (and don’t be fooled, it is still a form of surgery). One, in fact, that has a 60% re-operation rate! Sadly, I also know it’s covered by insurance because Kaiser is trying to get my dad to get the lap-band. I don’t have a healthy relationship with him and have therefore have not gotten on my fatty soapbox about this, but I did ask him outright: “Are you aware of the risks involved?” To which he replied, “Yeah, I’ve done some research.” I seriously doubt that he has and it angers me that a company/corporation whose major marketing campaign is to “live well and thrive” wants him to do this to a perfectly healthy stomach. Fuckin’ A!

But I digress. I was shocked, somehow, that this was in my mailbox along with coupons and ads. Like it’s just this normal fucking thing. It isn’t in my world! The fine print is even more unnerving: “You may be a candidate for the LAP-BAND if your BMI is over 40 or between 30-40 with other specific medical conditions and failed more conservative weight loss therapies such as diet, exercise and weight-loss medications. As with any procedure, the LAP-BAND procedure has certain risks and contraindications. Consult your physician to discuss risks and benefits. Typically with the  LAP-BAND, 1-2 pounds of weight loss per week and 50-70% of excess wight lost and maintained at 5 years can be expected.”

WOW! BULLSHIT ALERT!!! Please read this post over at Big Fat Blog about a recent study on this subject. Frankly I think any physician you talk to about the risks and benefits will only highlight the benefits, regardless of your size. And my opinion of said physicians who perform this “procedure?” I believe that they are damned criminals! Their “oath” of “First, do no harm” is obviously meaningless to such persons. My opinion of most physicians over the years has become increasingly abysmal. It often seems as though they go out of their way to either be complete and utter assholes or simply live in a bubble-like world where they believe their word is THE WORD! IT IS NOT, I can assure you. They dismiss any serious studies, such as the one I linked from Big Fat Blog and still insist such “procedures” are safe and good and that permanent weight loss is possible. It is not.

I don’t know that there is much we can do to highlight the lies and pervasive nature of this type of marketing, let alone somehow shut it down, but I can talk about it here and we can all share our wealth of knowledge about fat and HAES, etc. As for my dad? I’m hoping to give him a copy of the book, “Health At Every Size” (HAES) by Linda Bacon PHD for some upcoming holiday or what have you. Will he read it? Who knows. But I must attempt what I can. Having a serious conversation with him isn’t that likely. My sister is open to reading the book, and for me, that is the biggest happy thing I’ve had happen in awhile. Woo!

Thanks,
<3
S

I completely bailed on blogging yesterday and I now see that I shouldn’t have. Sure, I was busy, but I was also hiding. I should have used TMI Tuesday as yet another opportunity to talk about those things that people say are taboo. Boo to that! But I didn’t write anything yesterday because I wasn’t feeling like my usual awesome self. I felt out of control and both over and underwhelmed by all that life has to offer right now. I know this isn’t a unique thing all for me, I know we all suffer from malaise and the doldrums from time to time. I see now that I could and maybe should have turned to you and this blog for support because y’all have been there for me before. Thank you for that.

The thing is though, I just don’t have much to say. As shocking as that is, I can’t say that there is one or many things bothering me. I think that the overwhelmed bit has a lot to do with what’s going on in the world. How those things can make us look on our own lives and what we can do to help others while love and prepare for our own. The underwhelmed feeling comes from the daily grind and how I’m struggling and how exhausted that leaves me every day.

I know I’m not alone. I would rather do more positive posts, and I will, but for now? For today? Let’s dump all of our baggage and worries and stress and concerns in the comments and offer each other a great big fat virtual hug and support one another. So let it out and let’s move on, together!
Thanks,
<3
S

**Trigger Warning for discussion of rape and rape culture, gang rape and the treatment of victims versus accused rapists**

****************************************************

I want to say up front that I am far from educated in the ways of discussing these types of things with the proper academic jargon or dialogue. I don’t want to offend anyone, so please let me know the proper terms and I shall edit or try to use them in the future. I am open to all opinions and alternative perspectives on the subject, but I will not tolerate victim blaming of any sort. Nor will I tolerate anyone defending a rapist or other abuser.

I came across this article this morning about the recent gang rapes of two different (and in different states) eleven year old girls. One in Texas and one a few months ago in Michigan. In both instances several men, varying in age from teens to late twenties, attacked and held the girls while they were raped, repeatedly. In both instances the attack was captured in a cell phone video. These are the facts, no opinion has been inserted in this paragraph.

If this news doesn’t sicken you to your very core then it says a lot about you and a lot more about the world in which we live in currently. These gang rape cases seem to be more and more prevalent lately and this disturbs me most of all. The fact that these children (11 is a child!) were singled out and attacked and then later blamed for being gang raped makes me wonder what the hell is happening in the USA. The fact that instead of their entire communities rallying around these girls and demanding justice that they are questioning the parents, blaming the parents and even these young girls? What in the whaaaaaaaaat? NO! This is not how these things are supposed to work. I don’t care what anyone wears ever, no outfit or costume has ever been a public issuance of permission to rape, ever! I don’t care if someone lied about their age, gang rape is gang rape and the age of the victim shouldn’t factor in weather it was a lie or not. Eleven years old is eleven years old! It is not as though turning eighteen or twenty-one suddenly means you get gang raped every time you leave the damned house. It does not!And there is no way an eleven year old girl could pass for eighteen! Just sayin’!

In the Texas case, the family of the victim is being harassed by the community. The attorney for the defendants had this to say in response to the harassment, “The families are dealing with it. It is [a] very stressful environment.” Wow! The families of the accused (mind you there is video!) are “dealing with it.” Exactly how are these families dealing with the harassment of the victim’s family? If by dealing you mean doling, then yeah, you’re probably right. UGH! I know, I know, lawyering. Blegh! The accused could face up to life in prison, but let’s face a harsh fact folks, they will not be sentenced to much more than a few years and maybe probation. More likely is simply probation and maybe community service or some sort of therapy. There is no justice left to be had in this country.

If you are female or if you are a person of color or another marginalized group, you know this already! When I called the police on my abuser, even showed them the evidence, they laughed in my face. This is not new. I hope everyone is aware of the Oscar Grant murder here in California, but in case you haven’t heard, Oscar Grant was a young black man, father of an adorable little baby girl, who was murdered by BART police on New Year’s 2009. The officer who shot Oscar in the back, while he was held down by two other officers, claimed he thought he was using his taser. When you see the video (it’s all over the internet), you can tell that this simply wasn’t so. This officer received a sentence of two years for taking the life of an innocent man. There is no justice left to be had in this country.

When news of eleven year old girls getting gang raped is not on the front page of every newspaper and other media outlets, you just know in your heart that there is no justice left to be had in this country. It is the reason many of us live in fear. Fear of our neighbors and fear of strangers and fear of the police who are supposed to protect and defend us. These little girls have to live with the memory and scars (mental and physical) of their attack for the rest of their lives. If you think for one second that they can just go back to their previous lives? You’re wrong. When I was molested and my molester was sentenced, I felt like someone had dipped my entire body in red paint for all to see. I felt marked and outed. These girls will hopefully get therapy and find a new normal for them. I hope that their families can begin to heal and hopefully, one day, move on. I wish I had some bit of wisdom or advice considering my own experiences on this subject, but I have none. I instinctively live by the “Trust No One” motto of “The X-Files” but had been long before I’d hear of that show (but damn it’s a fab show). I fight against this instinct and I do get hurt, but I also live with the fear of being attacked again.

To blame someone for a crime committed against them? To say things like, “boys will be boys” is fucked up and damaging to us all and future generations. I say get that fucking phrase out of our common usage and into the dark ages where it belongs. To say someone isn’t responsible for their own actions due to their gender? That’s a whole lot of wrong! Yet the girls are to be blamed for getting gang raped? Someone please explain the logic here, because I cannot seem to find it! I do hope that justice is served, but I won’t lie and tell you I think it’s even remotely possible. At least not without the full support and demands of their communities. We need to reach out to our youth and get the message across to them now that this behavior is wrong, period. There is nothing more to it. It is wrong! It will not be accepted and you will be punished if you think otherwise. So why is this message not already out there and getting heard?

I heard a concept on the Body Love Revolution Telesummit with the Curvy Coach a couple of weeks ago that struck me as both wrong and true: Being Self-Conscious about your size carries over to other aspects of your life. Wow! At first I was all like (inner dialogue here), “What? No! That just can’t be!” which quickly turned into, “Oh man, you know what? That’s totally true! *headdesk*” Ugh! It IS super true! I/we just don’t look at it from this perspective regularly.

You may not even realize it, but if you are often or even sometimes self-conscious about your size, you can almost bet it’s affected other aspects of your life. For a very long time I was aware of my size, but not necessarily how my size might be perceived by others. Then I started to assume (you know what happens when you do that?!) that everyone KNEW that I was OMZOBESITYFATZDEATH! Case in point: I used to shop at Whole Foods and would find myself and my little handy-basket squidged into a tight corner up against a column or pillar so that someone else could get by me on an aisle. This may sound like nothing out of the ordinary, but when you look at the size of the aisle, the size of the other person plus their full-size cart and the size of me and my little handy-basket? Well, it’s ridiculous that I would feel the need to contort myself in such a way for someone else to get by me when there was actually plenty of room for all to move about. Part of this was because of my own feelings about my size and how I must appear GINORMOUSLYGIGANTIC to a “regular” person. The other part is how those other shoppers made me feel (stink-eye, the up-down, eye-rolling, nose-in-the-air-in-disgust, etc). I now boycott WF because of how they treat their employees (thinner workers get a grocery discount while those with higher BMI #’s do not), but I get similar bullshit reactions from other shoppers at Trader Joe’s. However, I no longer contort myself for the benefit of anyone but myself while shopping at Trader Joe’s or anywhere else!

While I was working a corporate job I often felt left out or looked over. I assumed it was due to my size. I think now that it was because I was too damned quiet! Hindsight being what it is and all. Ha-ha! My boss would often say, “Whoa! Keep it down over here!” joking about how quiet I was. My husband has often said that I can be loud, even just talking (I don’t wholly agree, but wev) and because my dad is always loud I just figured it best to keep my mouth shut until I had something good/important/worthy to say. Now I see that I didn’t want to bring attention to myself because OMZ!I’MTEHFATZ! My first few forays into public speaking were a total nightmare, but I had such love and support from my boss and colleagues that I eventually loved it! I got over my size being my focus and started to really hone my skills and have fucking fun with it! What a wild ride it was, too!

Such a simple thing, but sometimes we just need something explained in a way that speaks to us or is brought to our attention so subtly or simply that we suddenly get that “Ah-Ha!” moment and learn from the experience. This happens to me more often now than ever. Perhaps I’m simply more open to alternative opinions and ideas than I used to be. But having a peer tell me that no one wants to see another fail when in attendance of a workshop or seminar, we all just want to learn whatever it is we’re supposed to be learning about. Simple as that. What? Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? Yeah, I know! But it’s true! Public speaking would be hard for me now because I’m so out of practice, but I don’t think that I would be as concerned about people judging my body over my performance as I was back then.

When we are constantly concerned with our body image and size (consciously or not) it does affect the rest of your life in ways you may not see yourself. I never asked for a raise in my life. I would rarely be the first person to speak out or about anything in my career. It wasn’t until I was welcomed into a creative group of people that needed my input to make a project work that I was able to use my voice and later own it! Yes, I took ownership of my own voice. Sounds funny, but I think, especially with women, we’re often told or simply believe that we should be quiet so as not to offend or what have you. It’s bullshit! Being my own boss has taught me that no one will help you or be on your side or whatever until you speak the hell up and out and be heard, even if you must demand an audience! And thanks to FA and friends and my husband and a lot of self-work and care (self-care is vital in this journey, I promise you that) I rarely even think of my size as possibly affecting someone else except for a few rare circumstances.

I no longer squish myself into small spaces for the visual comfort of others. If you want me and my girth to move, you must ask, and be polite about it! Manners are Free, Use them Freely! Because you can give me and my giant ass all of the dirty looks you want, that is not going to get me to do a damned thing for you and your judgy face! That is your problem. It really is Ms. Lady with the scrunched up nose looking down on me at Trader Joe’s! I can buy wine and cheese and gummy bears and you can fuck right off with that look of “oh, this is how she got so fat, everyone look!” bullshit! Ahem, sorry. I just don’t see the point of visibly judging people right to their face this way. If you have something to say to me, SAY IT! I will happily give you my thoughts on any given subject. I welcome your concern trolling, if that is all you have for me. And I will quickly, politely and confidently engage in a conversation that is not based on faux facts and media buzz words. I will!

Has being self-conscious about your size affected other aspects of your life? Am I using affected when I should be using effected? Ha-ha! Tell me about it! =0)

Thanks,
<3
S