Thanks to all who entered this week’s giveaway!

It was pretty cool and a bit of fun for all. 😉

I went to a web site that generates a random number when you enter two numbers.
Six people entered, so I asked the site to generate a number between 1 and 6.

And the winner is…

6

Which would be Joolie! Wooooo!!!

Congratulations! You just won some neat-o cupcake themed stuff from

www.FunSlurp.com!

Stay tuned for the next giveaway on Monday.

I don’t often talk about my family in a present tense sort of way. In my eyes it’s far too fucked up and broken to deserve such mentions. I just had a long talk with my brother. He is amazing. I love him more than…well, anything. Which is why it is so heartbreaking that I can’t currently help him. He rarely opens up the way he did today and I did my best to not let him hear me cry on the phone. All I could do was tell him not to believe their (dad & his wife) bullshit, tell him he’s awesome and never forget it and insist that somehow I will get him the fuck out of there.

I hate feeling helpless. I hate how they treat him. He used to not think it was so bad and that I was being too harsh, but now he sees things as they are and wants out badly. Which is why it hurts so fucking much right now because I cannot help him. I’m so fucking poor if I think about it for more than a minute I will be a puddle of despair on the floor. So, I do my best not to think about it. But today? I can’t not think about all of it. How if I had a real fucking job that I could somehow find a way to get my bro out of there and into something better. I mean, anything would be better at this point. *Cries*

This is really scary for me to write about and put “out there” but I don’t know what I can do for him and if putting it “out there” might get me some advice, direction or whatever, then so be it!

So, my brother was misdiagnosed with ADD in elementary school. They had him on Ritalin for decades. A few years ago Kaiser figured out that he in fact has Asperger’s.  This explained a lot, they took him off the stupid, useless meds (Aspie’s do not respond to Ritalin or most meds it turns out) and he’s functioning like a regular dude. He’s had the same part time job for twelve years. He still lives at home because there’s never been another option.

He’s a generally happy and healthy 30 year old, except that he lives the most sheltered life you can imagine. He’s very creative and loves video games and is currently writing a fantasy novel (think dragons and knights and epic battles). He called me today to talk a blue streak about the upcoming Playstation 4 console and it’s possible capabilities. My brother is not allowed to use the internet. This seems to me to be the worst offense in a long string of ’em. They are stealing his fucking future! No internet means no connection to the outside world! It’s such bullshit, but there’s more…there’s always more!

Anytime my brother opens his mouth my dad and his wife, in unison, shout, “Shut up!” when I have spoken up and out about their treatment of him in the past (I cannot maintain contact with them, it is far too toxic and I do believe they are actually insane at this point) I get accused of all manner of horrible things. He is treated like a child and a servant in his own home. Mind you, his tiny paychecks pay for his own cell phone and health insurance. Yet my dad’s wife has forbidden him from calling me. He says about this, “Don’t worry, Sarah, I will always call you. I think of you more than as a sister. You’re my friend, too.” *Cries*

He does chores around the house everyday, he cares for the foster dogs they always take in (regularly about 5 dogs at a given time) and no matter what he accomplishes he is constantly yelled at and shamed. He tells me that they do awesome things for him, too, but has no examples to share with me. I get upset on the phone and shout at him, “No, dude! No, they don’t. They didn’t take you out for your thirtieth birthday, they didn’t even get you a fucking cake!!!” and I know when I get upset like this it makes him very uncomfortable so I stop and breathe a moment. They never tell him how awesome and smart and amazing he is. I sometimes wonder if I’m the only one who ever does or has. 🙁

They have done their best to convince him that he has a disability. Every time this comes up I insist, “You do not have a disability and don’t believe anyone who tells you that you do!” He has begun to question the doctors, some he’s met and others he hasn’t, about their various thoughts, advice and diagnosis (I’m so proud!). They applied for disability for him, but were denied. I am glad for this.

While I do believe that some sort of support and structure is best for him, I do not see how they treat him provides either. They tell him he is too old for cartoons (we like the same ones but he rarely gets to watch because of the parents) but they put parental controls on the tv without telling him and now he can no longer watch the sci fi and horror movies he used to enjoy. The few things he gets pleasure from are constantly restricted.

My deepest shame as a fat activist is that I believe my father has had the lap band surgery. I don’t know about his wife, but I don’t give a shit about her at all. She has done nothing but destroy my family and turned everyone against me with her lies. When the possibility of this lap band shit first came up my sister asked me to provide them with the resources and information about it so that they might not get the surgery. When I provided said resources and information to them without any personal thought or opinion, the response was a cold, “Thanks for your opinion, but we are doing this.” Kaiser was pushing them to get it and Kaiser won. I have no contact with them, but a recent photo of my father on Facebook showed a pale, ghostly face I can now barely recognize as my daddy. *Cries* It was their choice, they had the world of information at their fingertips and they made that choice.

My wonderful brother has the best attitude about all of this and keeps his sense of humor completely intact when I just can’t. My brother is 30 years old and believes his only way out is if he gets a girlfriend. He has never had a girlfriend, but his older and younger sisters both moved out when they had serious boyfriends so it’s no wonder why he believes this. I tell him as soon as I possibly can I will get him the hell out of there. I have been saying this for years, long before he even wanted out. I have to wonder if he thinks I’m just as full of shit as the parents are. I don’t want to think that, but I can’t help it now. Everyone in his entire life has done nothing but disappoint him, lie to him and treat him like garbage. How he remains positive I don’t know, but I am so grateful for every moment of my life that he does.

I cannot financially support him and his meager earnings couldn’t feed him at this point. I’m wondering if there is some sort of shared housing situation he might get into. He is physically healthy and active and strong. He takes direction well and can do almost anything if given patient instruction and example/training. He’s not as socially awkward as most Aspie’s can be, but often struggles with sarcasm (typical of Aspie’s). Most people find him to be friendly, polite and a bit charming. He smiles easily and laughs often, loves animals and gives people the benefit of the doubt always, even when it concerns or upsets me. I’m obviously the protective older sister.

Does anyone “out there” know what I can do or where I can go to get some help or information? I really don’t know where to begin but I cannot sit idly by stabby and heartbroken any longer. This helplessness is eating away at me and hearing him say how badly he wants out now, when previously he was ambivalent at best, is just the worst. I would appreciate any info you have or advice you could extent.

In any case, thank you for reading and supporting and always being there for me my lovely readers. I know things will improve, they just have to. <3

all I could do is tell him not to believe their bullshit, tell him he’s awesome and never forget it and insist that somehow I will get him the fuck out of there.

Ugh! I was going to do a video today but I woke up feeling so tired and worn out and I have a big night tonight and then I saw an article/slideshow on Yahoo! that pissed me off SO HARD!!! Of course they’d put it on the front fucking page for everyone, of all sizes, to feel shitty about themselves first thing…ASSHOLES!!! I was just wanting to catch my horoscope (I love that shit). Here is the article, but I warn you that it is full of body shame. (And perhaps I am making a lot of assumptions below, but this was my gut reaction and I am going with my big, beautiful gut today.)

It is a series of photographs of a fat woman. She is unhappy with her life and has chosen to blame her fat body for it. This is what upsets me most. That she took these incredible images and chose to see the worst possible thing in them: her body? NO! Her body in those images is beautiful! The saddest is the “after” photos, post lap band, when she’s alone on the beach where she’d previously been surrounded by friends and when she’s saying goodbye to her boyfriend. She says, “I realized that I was capable of love and acceptance. I had been searching for this in my life…” Um…NO! Oh my gawd, NO!

I hate this messaging so much! You don’t have to have a ______ body to have love and acceptance in your life! You certainly don’t have to mutilate or amputate your insides in order to be happy or have confidence and acceptance. Her words are the antithesis of my own personal experiences. I know it’s hard to live in a fat body. I know it’s hard to love yourself in a fat body when society insists you shouldn’t, that you can’t and that you should be ashamed of yourself.

FUCK THAT!!!

This is a beautiful woman, “conventional” or not! This is an obviously talented photographer, too. Why didn’t her friends tell her this? Why didn’t they lift her up? You can see from the beach photo that her friends are smaller bodied, but are they shitty friends, too? I want to go back and tell this woman that she is incredible and amazing and beautiful and deserves all of the love and goodness in the world and SHE CAN HAVE ALL OF IT IN A FAT BODY!!!

I have all of it! I have a bigger body than she did and I am so full of love and acceptance. But I had to work for it. I had to insist upon better people and things and treating myself better first. I didn’t just stare out a window longing for my life to improve (okay, maybe I did a bit of that before I realized that I do in fact have control over how I feel on a given day).

I want to hug her and tell her that she deserves better and no one else will see that if she doesn’t give it to herself first. I would say this to anyone, though. We all deserve this! We all must find it in ourselves before we can expect it from others. I know this, I believe this and I see it in the world, too. Because deep down, no matter what your body looks like, if you don’t love and accept yourself you’ll never find happiness in the outside world.

An unhappy person will remain so without some self work, self love and self acceptance. When you tap into the wonders of you, you unlock the beauty and love you are and deserve, too. I hope she finds a way to see this within herself before the weight she lost is regained and she goes back to blaming her body size for her misery.

(Have you entered this week’s giveaway of fun Cupcake themed stuff from FunSlurp.com?)

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This week’s Totally Topless Tuesday post comes from Joolie! <3

Hijacking Tank Top Tuesday as Totally Topless Tuesday is very timely for me. I grew up in a household where nearly every meal was homemade (even when it was just gross leftovers, lol) and from the time I was old enough to take direction, I started learning how to cook by my mom’s side. I would stand on a chair as she’d dictate each step, and feel a sense of pride when the dish “I cooked” was served. I didn’t just learn how to read recipes–I learned techniques, flavor profiles, and the chemistry behind why ingredients like eggs or corn starch are essential. My family is from east Tennessee (though I grew up in Florida) so the foods we made were very earthy, whole, comforting–and dripping in butter. Oh, the rants my mother and grandmother would go on about the evils of margarine. How it didn’t work right in biscuits. How it tasted “off” on vegetables or bread. My mom instilled in me a real love and respect for food–and for the simple joys in life, like having chocolate cake for breakfast (rarely, it was a real treat) or whipping a U-turn because the “Hot Now” light was on at Krispy Kreme.

During my teenage years, both my parents started dieting and decided that since I was larger than most of my classmates, I needed to diet, too. Goodbye butter, hello boiled skinless, boneless chicken breasts. Every. Single. Night. I developed a bit of an eating disorder–there was no food at home that gave me joy in preparation or flavor. Boil. Steam. Microwave. Yawn. And school food was terrible. So I just…stopped. I mean, I’ve got all this horrible, unsightly fat on me, right? I don’t deserve to eat, dammit! Once my parents realized what I was doing, the menu shifted back to the middle–and butter came back into my life. I discussed getting a “body by butter” lower back tattoo with friends jokingly, but when I mentioned my silly idea in a tattoo shop one day, a young apprentice loved the idea so much that he offered to do it for probably half the price of what it would have been elsewhere. I jumped on the opportunity. And yeah, the tattoo isn’t perfect, and I’d like to get it fixed up a little bit one day, but I love my silly tribute to my mom and grandma and our mutual love of food and cooking.

As an adult, I vowed to keep that middle path–sensible indulgence. Intuitive eating. It’s worked out pretty well for me. Metabolically speaking, I’m very healthy. My doctor recently changed some of my medications, and a total lack of appetite has been an unfortunate side effect. I was telling my mother this morning how hard it was to make myself eat anything, but that I was about to have a delicious sour cream cake doughnut because it actually looked tasty.

WEEE-OOO-WEEE-OOO HERE COMES THE FOOD POLICE!

“You should have a banana instead.”

WTF? I’ve barely eaten anything in DAYS but NO U HAZ TEH FATZ, MUST NOT EAT DOUGHNUT.

Know what? Fuck that. She has my permission to bounce from fad diet to fad diet (never changing size, might I add–she’s clearly in the 95% of people for whom diets do not work and does not care. MUST. ATTEMPT. SKINNY.) but she does not have my permission to make me feel bad about my choices, or to make my choices for me. If I want a fucking doughnut, I will eat a fucking doughnut. Y’all, my mom is 70 years old. Should I live to be 70, I assure you, I will be giving zero fucks about dieting. I will relish every culinary experience from now til then, from the humble Zebra Cake to the finest caviar. This is not to say I will punish my body with foods that are terrible for a health condition I may develop, but life is hard enough without denying yourself the simple pleasures. Having a crap day? It’s nice to go home and pan-fry a gorgeous sirloin while cooking some squash and zucchini and carrots with butter and garlic, and maybe a big fat brownie for dessert.

To me, life seems pointless without quality of life. I won’t go into my health issues here, but suffice to say, they’ve stolen large chunks of my quality of life as is. I’ve fought to get some of that back. Hard. I refuse to let anything fuck with my hard-earned peace with my body and all of its perfect imperfections. Especially the hang-ups of others.

HOLD YOUR DOUGHNUT HIGH, THEN EAT THAT MOTHERFUCKER!!!!

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I am always looking for submissions from anyone who wants to exercise their right to Bare Arms for future Tank Top Tuesday posts! Email your pics here: notblueatall@notblueatall.com,please include the name you’d like in the post, a blog or etsy shop you wanna plug, your thoughts on bare arms or other fatty philosophies. It does not have to be in a tank top, just have fun with it! And thank you to all who have submitted and continue to do so. These posts make my week! They are so fun and empowering, too! So keep ‘em comin’ and keep baring those arms!

I was recently contacted by FunSlurp.com to do a giveaway for them on this blog. I’d never done anything like that before, but thought their site had some pretty neat stuff and so why the heck not! A way to give some cool stuff to my beloved readers? Hell yeah! I got to pick from a wide variety of stuff and while they gave me the option of reviewing a product for my own personal use OR doing a giveaway, I was more excited to give (though those car eyelashes were very tempting).

This week I’ll be giving away a super cute Cupcake themed trio, next week will be Bacon themed. 😉

This week’s giveaway winner will be announced on Friday, April 26, 2013 and they will receive
these mad adorbz Cupcake Key Caps, Cupcake band aids and Cupcake pushpins!