At least that is how it feels right now: Chaos! Yuck! Do not want! At some point in 2012 I’d convinced myself that this chaos business was a good thing or that I could thrive in it. WhatTheFuckEverSelf! Psshht! No, thank you.

Part circumstance, part hormones, part anxiety, part PTSD and part “how do I have such amazing people in my life?!” (would that be disbelief or unworthiness?), I’m in a scary place. The scary bits are due to both good and bad things occurring, but no matter which I’m focused on I feel as though I have no say or control at all.

I feel like an asshole for complaining. I know it could be far worse. But how I am feeling right now is valid, right? Because I feel abandoned, alone, terrified and on the brink of disaster. See? Asshole! I have amazing friends. I will never deny that. Yet I don’t feel that I can go to them and ask for the things I need. I have this “Special Geek” in my life who makes me very happy, but things are still so very new (and undiscussed/undeclared).

The truth is, I just want someone to hold me, tightly, and allow me to sob quietly into the crook of their shoulder. I want to feel secure and cared for. Because it feels as though my world is crashing down around me and everywhere I turn more hurt seems to come my way. Due to this it seems a lot of old insecurities are popping back into my head and it’s becoming  more difficult to fight them off.

Some of you have referred to me as “brave” and I’m here sobbing and woe is me-ing. Fuck. I feel like I should be apologizing to, like, the world. I feel like I have failed at life. And I feel like the biggest and most selfish jerk for feeling this way. Spiraling thoughts returning, I hate those. So it’s like this immense inner struggle and I’m left losing no matter what. Ugh!

Like, okay, I know things will be okay, somehow, eventually…they have to! I just, it’s a lot to deal with all at once. I no longer have the foundation that I used to. I aligned my heart and my health within something based on a lie. I trusted those who dare not trust themselves and placed far too much energy and emotional investment in something that didn’t belong to me.

I want so badly to start anew and to call something my own. It seems too far fetched a dream right now. My eyes still sting and my head set to suffering, it’s always been just out of reach. Once I get a handle on one thing the rest falls from my grasp. I know the bad, even the worst of it, is necessary for the good to come as well. The yin and the yang of life; our existence and our universe. Maybe I just have to feel like the pits right now because so much awesome shit is on it’s way. I hope so. I still have hope, ya know. I just wonder who and what will be left in my life when that comes to pass.

I know I have me. I know I am still me, despite all that I feel is wrong with me in this moment. I know that shit ain’t me! I know what I have survived and this will seem so silly and trivial in time. But that’s the crux of it, now isn’t it? Time. *Sigh* Another day, another experience, another moment, another breath…keep on keepin’ on! I will live to fight another day, dammit! 😉

Here’s the thing, some people will never get it! Yes, I’m talking about fat acceptance and size diversity, but I’m also talking about me (or you) as a person. No matter how many times you explain and spell things out, some people will just never see the other side. I see this in my own relationships, painfully, more so now than ever. I see that as I find that I know myself and my needs and wants in my life that there are people who will only ever choose to see or accept their own specific version of me. It doesn’t matter how much I shine or grow or change, to them I fit nicely and neatly into some little box they’ve labeled “Sarah” and they’re not terribly interested in allowing upgrades or revisions. So be it.

I have been amazed at how simple and powerful the phrase, “that is unacceptable” can be. When I told someone last year that how they were treating me was unacceptable and that I wouldn’t tolerate it in my life, they didn’t apologize or ask questions or even attempt to make things better or right. Instead they kept insisting the blame was mine and I needed to somehow get over myself…or something. I refuse to lower myself or my standards when it comes to friendships for people who refuse to treat me with respect, honesty and realness. And realness only gets you so far when you are lying to your damned self! 😉

I am unapologetically me! I am lumpy, I have rolls, I am sexy, I am sassy, I am smart and sometimes quite hilarious! I want and choose to enjoy my life. As best as I can, anyhow. I have been dealt some heavy blows lately, but I keep getting back up. Sometimes I don’t even know why, but I do it. I do it because I remember the abuse and not wanting to live anymore. I do it for those who are there in the thick of it now. I love you! You’re worth so much more and you’ll get it, too, if you can find your own light inside…it’s there!  *HUGS* I do it because all I have ever fucking known is to fight and to struggle. It’s exhausting but I wouldn’t know easy if it slapped me in the face.

Living my life out in the open has been liberating and surprising and scary as hell. I don’t fear the same things I used to. Perhaps that’s maturity, but what I crave and ache for has changed, too. I appreciate such simple pleasures at times it makes me laugh, out loud, alone in my room. Ha-ha! My wants are so few and my demands fewer. I want love. I want freedom. I want a choice. I want to survive. I want the truth, always. I want to express myself in any way I see fit. I want color and nature.

Right now I want to pour myself into a bottle of wine and sleep…for life! Monday (when I wrote this) hit me like a ton of bricks and I don’t know that there are tears left in me to give. It’s not that I didn’t know the bad stuff was coming, I did, I was just already feeling so scared and vulnerable. To have the harshness of that extra bit of reality spotlighted was just too much on such a dreary day. When I turned to a friend who has been there for me before and was met with utter assholery, well? That was the kicker. I can’t take getting shit on anymore, ya know?

When I was driving back to work from lunch I drove past a part of town that I hadn’t given much thought to before and it triggered a very bad and very repressed memory in me that nearly had me incapacitated. THAT BAD! I haven’t had a PTSD symptom in over a year, some more than that. This memory was one of the worst of the worst and I thought I couldn’t breathe. The one thing that got me through it though was thinking of that “Special Geek” I’ve mentioned here before. He’s such a shining beacon in the night for me. He’s so kind and wonderful to me and I am so glad my brain chose to focus on him rather than the horrors of the past in that moment. I am so grateful and so blessed and so fortunate, I know this. I have incredible friends both IRL and online and I wouldn’t be able to get up everyday without ’em. And it is why I love with my whole self and end up hurt, too. So be it.

I can only be and honor me and my truth and my experience. I can try to show you, I can try to explain, but until they get rid of all those boxes labeled “Sarah” you/they will never see the real me and I will never, truly, be understood and I think that’s okay.

Having an emotionally sucky day and feeling sucky on top of it is all made of suck! Doing my best to celebrate International No Diet Day as best I can, I decided that the best thing I could do for myself is to at least try to make myself feel better physically by eating some of my favorite things. So, yeah, I’m having a bit of a pity party (of one) but fuck it, it’s what I gotta do for now.

Watermelon
Strawberries
Peach Yogurt
White Cheddar Pirate’s Booty (the Trader Joe’s brand though)
Ribs (made by my beloved Raven)
White Zinfindel (two buck chuck, TJ’s as well)

And if I feel like it I have a mint It’s It in the freezer or rice crispies with almond milk to snack on.

And exactly how many fucks do I give what anyone thinks of this line up of deliciousness?

ZERO

Happy INDD!
<3
S

To be honest, I’m feeling pretty sucky today (hormones) and so I shall not be writing much. But I will be updating and posting other awesome stuff about INDD on this blog’s Facebook Page! Please check it out and celebrate any way you see fit!

Rad Fatty Love to All!
<3

S

Thanks to all who entered this week’s giveaway!

It was pretty cool and a bit of fun for all. 

I went to a web site that generates a random number when you enter two numbers.
Six people entered, so I asked the site to generate a number between 1 and 3.

And the winner is…

2

Which would be Chris! Wooooo!!!

Congratulations! You just won some neat-o Bacon themed stuff from

www.FunSlurp.com!