I’m just focusing on all of the good that I have in my life right now, in this very moment. I am keeping the bad stuff and the bad thoughts away from me. I can’t engage those thoughts. I know that I need to live in the present and keep all of the positive energy and love I’ve been given over the last 8 days with me and not take it for granted. I know that once I engage in the bad stuff that I will sink back into despair mode and fuck that!
I have been shown so much love and support that it is overwhelming. I struggle with feeling undeserving or unworthy but friends insist that I do deserve it all and more. I am so grateful to have such wonderful people in my life. Old BFFs and new, I was treated like royalty this past weekend. Many good, home cooked meals, fun cocktails, crafty indulgences and even some late night swimming! I am a happy, proud and blessed fatty indeed! 😉
Now that I’m back home from my weekend away, I do feel the need to protect myself and my heart a bit from the ills of the world. I just want to keep this sense of joy and peace with me. I’m not ready to let it go just yet. I am operating on a level of denial, I realize. All the bad stuff, yeah, it’s just around the corner. I know this, but there ain’t shit I can do about it or to prevent it either. So I won’t give it any thought or energy. Perhaps this is how I will continue to manage my stress and anxiety from here on out. I really can’t know. It feels right for right now and so be it. Happy bubble time is in effect.
What I do know is that putting time and energy and love into the things that matter most reward us immeasurably. I am so rich in the life that I have (just not in money). The superficial stuff never matters, it really doesn’t. And while I crave stability and comfort, pushing myself outside of what is comfortable has always been the right thing for me to do. I am learning to have faith in myself and the universe and to trust that things will be okay eventually. It has to be. 😉
I hope you had a moment or moments of joy this past weekend as well. If you’ve been struggling, too, know that things are happening and picking up and your goodness is on its way! If you’re feeling less than, hopeless, lonely, unworthy…reach out! Someone cares and wants to help and be there for you. Don’t know who that person is? How about me?!?! Hit me up: notblueatall@notblueatall.com for an unbiased ear, ultra-absorbent shoulder, empathy, no nonsense advice or just someone to chat with. And know that you deserve all of the good stuff and none of the bad. You are worth all of the love and every in the world.
My BFF “Q” took these incredible photos of my performance in the Big Moves show “En Masse” and I had to share! Even if I wasn’t in them, there is something so powerful about seeing fat bodies in motion. 🙂
I would like to take this moment to just be happy. Today is a huge day for me. I have an in-person interview for what appears to be the perfect job for me. Not only is it a job, though, it is basically the missing piece of my awesome life puzzle right now. If I get this job I won’t have to worry about EVERYTHING all of the time anymore. The funny thing is, I kind of feel like it’s already mine. In an intoxicated state after my dance show on Sunday, while having dinner with my bffs, I said aloud, “Now that I’m at _______, I’ll totally be the most fashionable chick in the office! Ha-ha!” jaws dropped and eyes widened and they all said, “Wait?!?! You got the job?!?!” I realized it was a slip of the tongue, maybe some visualizing and hopes sprinkled in and nothing more. Oops! But…It will be mine! Oh yes! It will be mine!
The truth is that the last few weeks have been extremely stressful and bad. This week has felt magical by comparison. In this moment, right now, everything seems possible and wonderful. I feel fearless and capable of anything. I feel so perfectly me that there is just nothing stopping me or holding me back…except that whole not having a job part. Ha-ha! Even though things seem kind of dire in this whole employment-finances department…I’m fucking HAPPY!!! It’s…nice! It’s certainly refreshing, anyhow. I’d been so depressed and stressed out for so long. Not to mention tired. Whew!
I’ve had some great surprises this week as well. My “Special Geek” gave me a phone on Monday which has greatly improved my life! My old one was so fritzy I’d get lost anytime I needed to rely on my GPS, it would crash and freeze all of the time. Now? Perfection! And as of last night…I have a boyfriend!!! I feel like a fucking teenager! *Blushes* He is like no one I’ve ever met and I just adore him! He makes me very happy! I mean, I knew I liked him waaaay too much after our second date, but when my friends all loved him, too? Oh yeah! It was a done deal. When that boy says my name my heart is all a-flutter! *Blushes* I just hope that I am the awesome girlfriend he’s always wanted. 🙂
And my road trip to Fatlandia (aka NoLose.org) will be amazeballs because my bff of over 22 years will be driving up with me and it will be just like old times! SO EXCITING!!! I know we will be blasting the good old tunes like back then. We used to write in bathroom stalls, “There’s No Diva Like Me!” and scream our favorite songs at the top of our lungs! Ha-ha! So fabulous! How has time just flown by?!?! Oh man!
I’m writing this before I know what this day brings. No matter what I will be with people I love and whom I know love me back. After my interview I’m having lunch with my other bff of over 22 years. Then I’ll be spending the evening and night with my beloved Raven!!! Saturday I’ll be heading up to visit my friend Laura for some seriously needed girl bonding time. I just…WOW! I’m so grateful for all of it right now, ya know? HAPPY!!!
I know good things are on their way and they are already in my life, too. I know that despite the dark times, the light always finds a way to shine through. There’s no fighting it now and I want nothing more than for you all to feel as great as I do now. I’ll keep y’all updated and definitely share my continued joy, no matter what happens. 😉 Have faith in you and don’t let anyone else get or keep you down. You’re amazing and worth all of the love in the world!
<3
S
I went into this last weekend tired, stressed and so unsure of myself and the future. I’ve come out the other side of it reborn and ready to accept the good things in this world once again. “Sometimes it’s hard to follow your heart” was a big part of the song Tigress & I danced to in the Big Moves show, “En Masse” in Oakland on Saturday and Sunday and it was just that, following my heart. My heart did not lead me astray. I was surrounded by my fat community, by artists, by performers, by activists and so much love!
I really did not know what to expect in response to the performance. I’d been to Big Moves shows before and have always been moved in a myriad of ways by them. This one, though? This one felt bigger, more radical and just so much more, somehow. It all felt more daring to me somehow. Some of the numbers emFATic DANCE did this year were surprising and so fabulous! Specifically a Metallica number that gave me chills at dress rehearsal. I watched it three or four times and it just touches part of my old metalhead soul. 😉 Also, how fucking powerful it was to see thirteen powerful, confident fat women dancing to music so hard and unforgiving! SO GOOD!!!
The backstage scene was also interesting to me. It had it’s own energy. It made everything so urgent and fantastic! So many smiles and old rituals and last minute details and tidying. It was it’s own dance. And I did not hear a single negative body remark…over 20 performers and nothing but pure body positivity, baby! All glitter and eyeliner, all ruffles and polka dots, cleavage, belly rolls and booootaaaaay! I have never had so many people tell me to break my legs in my life! Ha-ha!
Our performance was the third in the first act. As I waited in the wings I stretched and focused on my breathing. I wasn’t nervous, I was calm and focused. As our music started and we moved into place, the world fell away and I connected with my dance partner. We were on a plane all our own. We floated and twirled and transcended what anyone ever thought of us before. We were two single, fat women, over 35, independent and fearless! We performed from our hearts and our minds. We fueled our steps and our flare with our deep love and spirit of activism in every reach and clutching hand.
As the lights faded with the music, we grasped each others hands in victory. We knew what we’d accomplished flies in the face of so much hate in the world. Backstage, we hugged and toasted to ourselves and future performances. It wasn’t until we were backstage after our number that I was shaking like a leaf with nerves, go figure. After the show we were encouraged to go out to the lobby to talk with those in attendance (okay, they actually said, “Go out and greet your fans!”). The first night my bff Jery was waiting at the top of the stairs for me, bouquet of flowers in his arms. It was his reaction and possible criticism I feared most, but I also trusted that he’s be real. He was and I love him for it. His one little tip did seem to distract from my missteps and dazzle instead. 😉
That “Special Geek” I’ve previously mentioned here (yeah, we’re still “a thing” though not entirely sure what that is yet but gosh he makes me so happy), was there, smiling and waiting for me, too. He loved my performance and seemed so sincere and happy to be next to me. My friends, “The Trio” surprised me by attending as well, they had a previous engagement but tore themselves away just long enough to see me! And my lifelong bff Steph was there for the first act but had to attend to her sick kitty (Love you, girl!). I felt so loved and supported and just…relieved! Ha-ha! No, it wasn’t terrible but that first big performance was quite intimidating. And to have some of my nearest and dearest see it live my first time on stage in seventeen years?!?! Yeah…a big deal!
I was encouraged to mingle, but I don’t know how! Ha-ha! I was already overwhelmed by the compliments and kindness given to me by friends, fellow fatties, acquaintances and more. To hear people I admire so much say that they are proud of me and lucky to know me?! Well, my head just about exploded, ya know?! That night I couldn’t sleep! I was wired and just happy! I accepted B’s invite for a nightcap at his place and got in some time with the puggyman as well as some therapeutic Mario Kart! The following morning I was sore, but ready for more! My bags already packed and just a quick visit with B & the puggyman for some coffee before I hit the road. It was a sunny and lovely day. When I got backstage the stage manager took me aside to tell me that she’d loved my performance, that she’d been dancing for years and that I was a dancer and that I had no choice, I must keep on dancing. I couldn’t believe it! I thought for sure she was going to give me a tip or technical instruction about entering or exiting the stage (I nearly hit the wall the first night).
More people said such lovely things to me about my dancing. I was sort of in shock. The “Special Geek” emailed me that morning, “You were amazing last night, it was a really beautiful performance. I’m really pleased I got to see it! Congratulations, and good luck for tonight :)” which had me smiling so big! Friends, too, text me encouraging words and love. Next thing you know we’re huddling with everyone before the doors open and the energy was once again high. Everyone was tired, many went out or simply stayed up late the night before. But we were all ready and excited for the show to start. This time as our music started and I saw Tigress enter across the stage, I became nervous. I don’t know that it affected my dancing, but I felt off balance as a result. But taking Jery’s advice, I smiled at a critical point in the song and stayed smiling through to the end. People seemed to notice. Thanks, Jery! 😉
After the show I was met in the lobby by B, Q and P…bff’s for life! B gave me the most beautiful mixed bouquet of flowers, featuring all of my favorites. We met up back in the south bay and had dinner together. Q had rented a fancy lens for her camera and had been taking these great and funny pics of P & B before the show. Inspired by my retro chic outfit (and no doubt my exuberant mood), she directed me to places and poses and took some awesome shots of me as well. We all goofed around a bit and laughed a lot and it was just what I needed!
I do not know what my future holds, in dance or other wise. But I do know that I am proud to have had the opportunity to perform in “En Masse” with some of my favorite and such talented people. I want to continue to dance, even if just for myself. (It’s done wonders for my knee and my posture.) I loved being a small part of something so much bigger than myself. To do the very thing I’m not supposed to do! I loved hearing from friends how surprised they were, how unexpected the performance was. Perhaps they were expecting booty shaking from me, I certainly don’t refrain often, but this was from a different place for me. This was a lifetime of not feeling like I fit in, no matter how much I worked or tried. This was from the poor kid who never could stack up. This was from the girl too shy to tell her crush she even existed. No, this was from the proud, confidant and beautiful rad fatty that I have become because of all of that and those who love and support me.
I do feel as though this was a major turning point for me. This was me facing a fear and conquering it once and for all. This was me doing something right out of my dreams and outside my comfort zone. I could not be more pleased. Watching the video of Saturday’s performance now I see something created out of nothing. I see weeks of work and discussion and worrying coming to fruition. Tigress and I weren’t sure we could choreograph the entire thing on our own at one point, but then we just did. I am so proud of us! It wasn’t easy with our different schedules and living far from one another, but it was all worth it in the end. And with that I present the following video to you (Tigress is on the right, I am on the left, at the beginning of the piece):
*I suggest looking up the lyrics if you’re interested, it’s a beautiful song and has helped me in the past, thanks to Tigress. 😉
This week has been a whirlwind for me and it’s only…Wednesday?! Whew! I have been in great spirits for the most part and while yesterday was kind of full of suck, it was also full of love and support (thank you so much, Raven!). It just started off bad. I woke up late and then rushed out the door to a job interview that never happened and it was so infuriating that I did all I could to calm myself down before heading to Oakland for the rest of my day/evening.
Lunch and chatting with Raven is always something to look forward to, but I missed her and needed her special brand of snark more than ever yesterday. Then I was off to the tech rehearsal for the Big Moves show that is coming up so fast (this weekend!!!). Rehearsal went fine I suppose, but the entire thing was so very triggering. It was no one’s fault, per se, just the accumulation of people and things and where my head was at.
Suddenly, in my head anyway, I was thrown right back to being the poor kid and having the mean rich girls making fun of me or condescending me by pretending they cared about my being included. This isn’t what actually happened yesterday, mind you, but somehow it all came rushing back and I was a fucking emotional wreck. I drove back to Raven’s house in tears and near hysterics. This was not how I’d envisioned my day or my life, but what can ya fucking do?! She and her husband made me feel loved, supported and cared for. I cried on their shoulders and tried to talk things out but you know, it’s hard when you’re in that heightened state.
In the end Raven saved the day and my heart in a lot of ways. It meant closing out Jo Ann’s fabrics and lots of laughing and sighing and drive thru dinner and more laughing. Watching her do some on the fly guerrilla sewing was incredible and inspiring. I firmly believe that there is nothing she cannot do or get done. She is my hero in so many ways and I am so fucking grateful to have her in my life. I need to carry her spirit with me always because I am finding it more and more difficult to speak up for myself lately and I just don’t know why that is.
As I was feeling more and more triggered and for some reason trapped, my throat closed up and I couldn’t speak. I could barely breathe, I thought. I just needed to be somewhere else and once I was it all came flooding out. I guess it was necessary on some level. I just don’t know why I am always trying so fucking hard to make people like me or that I’m so fearful of any disagreements. Well, I know why that part is an issue, I mean, I walked away from what was supposed to be a “bff” relationship because that person and I suddenly didn’t see eye to eye on anything and they began to treat me unacceptably. I did not know that this would affect me in other ways. I always saw myself as a band aid ripper and confrontation-ally awesome (that can be a thing).
I really didn’t know that I wanted to be liked. I didn’t see that my caring so much and so deeply about every living fucking thing on this planet and beyond was such a burden for me until now. It is not in my nature not to care, but to put so much into something that no one else gives two shits about? Wow, eye opener. So I am trying to sort this out and process as best I can. I have so much going on this week though. I am so tired already. Ha-ha!
I feel as though this weekend is bigger than just my performance in a fatty dance show. This weekend is the end of a chapter in my life in many ways. I don’t know what the future or even Monday will bring, but I am ready and willing to embrace it with open arms and an open mind. I just can’t worry or care so much anymore. It’s exhausting and fruitless. I have to take care of my body and allow it to heal. I have to take care of my heart and allow it to take as well as give. I want to do so many things and really my life is beautiful and the only thing missing is a great job (it’s on it’s way, I know it).
When I push myself out of my comfort zone I am almost always rewarded somehow. I grow, I learn, I feel and see new things and just get so much more out of life there. I will be doing more of that. And hopefully I will get better at speaking up for myself, too. I want to be surrounded by good things and great people and so much love that I’m bursting. Well, I’m very close! 😉
