Yesterday I had my friend Lilia over for some quality crafting time. It was so necessary! It is therapeutic, I’m convinced of it! We had a great time and got to chat and catch up with each other. So fun! Then my phone rang and I instantly knew it was the job I had been waiting to hear back from. It was bad news. They are no longer going to hire for that position. I was their number two choice, but the team really liked me. WTF?! I wish they hadn’t told me I was their second choice. They didn’t explain why they weren’t going to fill the position after all only that the request had been denied or canceled or something.

When I hung up the phone Lilia already knew and tried as I might to hold back the tears, you know I couldn’t. They came and I cried for a bit but with all of the beautiful colors and glitter laid out on the table in front of me it was hard to stay in that bad place in my head for long. Good company when you get bad news is actually very helpful and nice. Thank you Lilia! <3

What were we crafting? Well, I pained these flat wood decorative frame things in bright metallic colors. I also slapped on a base coat for this neato round box I got at the thrift store last week, it has little shelves inside of it. When B came over to hang out the other night he suggested I paint it like a log, and so I shall! Woo! Lilia was painting all kinds of things! A box and a fox and some rocks…no lie! 😉

Then she made me a special rock after seeing my room and hearing the bad news from that phone call. It is perfect and lovely and she wrote a word on the back which she said she hopes brings that into my life: Abundance! The first thing I said when I saw the word was, “I love how abundance has dance in it!” We both smiled and giggled and were covered in many colors of paint. It was just what I needed!

When she left I cleaned up a bit and threw my wash in the dryer and puttered around a little. Then the reality of this latest job rejection set in and it was after 5 pm and so I had a cider (hard apple cider for those who don’t know, it’s about the same alcohol level as beer but is crisp and refreshing, not too sweet). Then I had another. Then dinner, which consisted of two frozen chicken tamales from Trader Joe’s (they are delicious and really cheap) and some sugar snap peas I had hanging out in the fridge. Then more cider. I got drunk and watched High Fidelity and thought long and hard about my current situation.

And that’s the tough part, ya know? Because my life isn’t so horrible right now. It’s just having to carry the burden of rejection after rejection, week after week…it’s too much! I wish I could just apply to all the jobs I qualify for or want and then a month later find out what one I got. Ha-ha! Life is never so simple or kind. I am so grateful and fortunate to have all that I do and the people in my life. It’s just fucking hard to not be working, to not know what tomorrow will bring or how I’ll make my unemployment payments stretch another month.

I’m getting better at asking for what I want/need, but it isn’t any easier. I think I’m just getting tougher on myself about it and so I push and push until it has to come out. At this point though, I just have to. If I push people away, I hope they understand it’s not personal, it’s just me trying to protect myself or not being able to deal at a particular moment. I do wish I would get invited to hang with peeps more, though. I can’t really go out anymore, no money, but I love nothing more than shooting the shit or watching a movie with good company, ya know? Oh well.

So, I am not going out and doing what I had told myself I would today, but I just don’t have the energy. Part of self care is knowing when you can’t do stuff. It’s knowing when you shouldn’t push yourself too hard. I’m not hungover or anything, just, tender? I dunno. I am not sure I can be out in public or the world today. One wrong word or look and I might crumple. But I’ll be okay. Tomorrow is another day and I will be here still breathing and standing or whatever. Keep on keepin’ on! 😉

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Yesterday was just, um, weird, I guess? Ugh! I feel like the moment I get a handle on things, or some things, I get a glimpse of just how messed up things actually are…or I am. *Sigh* I’m okay, though. I’m still feeling pretty good for the most part. I started my day off alright. The puggyman and I woke up a bit late (we always get up super early to pee/eat -he does anyway- and then go back to sleep) and I missed a skype date with a fabulous friend. Boo-me! Then I got my ass up and out to the grocery store. I actually enjoyed myself, too. Well, I was on the phone with my brother the entire time talking about cooking and baking so that helped a lot.

I bought things I needed, wanted and had been out of, or meaning to get for some time. This gathering of supplies always makes me feel better when I get home and can put things away and know where they are and that they are there when I need them. Childhood food insecurity never truly goes away, I guess. Oh well. My bro and I talked horror movies, sci-fi and zombies while I grabbed my coffee at Peet’s and snagged a sandwich for lunch before I got home. I’d unloaded everything and got it all put away. I went to my room to have my lunch and watch an episode of my favorite show, “The IT Crowd” (best show ever!). As I set everything down on my bedside table I realized I hadn’t fully made my bed yet. It was sort of half done but completely wonky! I picked up a pillow to smooth out the blanket beneath it and *SPLOOSH* both of my just purchased beverages had spilled onto my bedroom floor. Devastation!

I was sort of beside myself for a few moments before I went into action about getting it cleaned up. Honestly, I just didn’t know where to start! Luckily I have hardwood floors in my house and I’d just put my bedroom rug in the washer (thanks to a dog pee incident that morning) so it was really just a matter of finding a giant towel to mop it all up with. I was pretty damn sad about it, though. I’d been doing my best to save money and do as much at home as possible and decided to treat myself to a quad-shot iced espresso and had only gotten two sips before disaster ensued. The clean up took longer than expected and my hot sandwich ended up cold. Oh well.

After I ate my lunch in quiet sadness, I went onto Facebook to see what everyone was up to. I got a bit creeped out by the sudden and targeted ads and instant messaged Raven, “How does FB know I’m on the rag?! WTF?!” she called me immediately. I still don’t know how FB could know such a thing, but she assured me it had to be a coincidence. She offered the consolation of constantly getting ads for erectile dysfunction to which I replied, “Well, Raven, you really should consider doing something about your ED!” We laughed and snarked as we do and I felt a bit better. Then I got all emotional out of the blue and well just fuck it!

I had thought that the puggyman’s papa would be taking him home that night but he just came over and hung out a bit and helped inspect and care for that puggo. A few more days with my Duke of Cute, not a problem at all. He and I have been hanging out so much together and it’s been lovely. We’ve got our routine down and I feel much less lonely, too. My roommate adores him, I mean who doesn’t, and her dog seems to enjoy his company as well. He hates getting his picture taken but he’s so fucking cute I can never resist for long.

I’d also gotten my latest finds from JewelMint.com in the mail and had to snap some pics because I was so in love with them! I never wear yellow, but I just happen to be wearing a strapless yellow and grey sundress I’d nabbed from Cupcakes & Muffintops this weekend. When I saw my “Electric Youth” necklace I put it on right away and it looked perfect with the dress! The other one is called “Chandelier Necklace” and I cannot wait to wear it out! I literally opened it’s box and whispered to myself, “Princess Necklace!” and tried it on. I cannot say enough good things about that site and it’s wares. If you like funky, fun, edgy, unique and usually pretty cheap jewelry, do check it out. (I have not been compensated in any way shape or form for this review or mention of JewelMint.com, but damn I would love to have almost their entire inventory!)

I’m still feeling pretty much myself, even if I did get bummed out and emotional quite a bit throughout the day. So be it. Such is life, eh?  And since I’d promised myself more pictures, I share with you some highlights! Thanks for reading! <3

$5 Walmart Belts...Win! (they are 2x) Pink glitter with black skulls! Neon Dots! Yes, please!

Thrift Finds: CK Dress (black & red), Italian Floral Tie, Unicorn Scarf, Infinity Scarf and Green Purse...Woot!

The Unicorn Scarf I Thrifted: Look at it!!!

No Pics Mom!

Puggy Tongue

Grumpy Men Walk

That Pug's Not a Pillow!

I See You! (He's not supposed to be there and he knows it!)

You work, I nap!

Home Pedicure: Looks legit!

Electric Youth: JewelMint.com

Smile Princess!

Oh Really?!

The Royal Smirk

Oh This Old Thing?!

Princess Daydreams

 (I cannot believe I’m referring to myself as “Princess” in this post. Let’s keep that between us, shall we?)
😉

I had a really good day yesterday. It was such a relief to just not feel horrifically insecure and mega sad. I felt pretty good for the entire day. I looked awesome, too, by the way. Hey, gotta celebrate those little things, man. For real! I had a great time with my boyfriend. We had dinner, I bought an Adventure Time video game for my DS and then tried to catch the last of the Persied meteor shower but sort of failed. I mean, it’s hella hard to get away from the city lights where I’m at and I tried but it didn’t work out so well. Just the same, I did get to see one big, brilliant and beautiful meteor/shooting star and I got so excited I will admit I may have done a little dance…but it was dark, so no one can be certain. 😉

So, then I got to thinking that I didn’t want to go back to feeling like crap again. In fact I was fucking done with that shit all together! DONE!!! I finally felt like me today, for the most part (okay, some insecurities peeked out a bit with the bf, but I’m working on that), and I thought to myself, “Holy shit! It’s only Monday?!” and what the week ahead looked like for me and it gave me pause, dude. I mean, I have a huge swath of time ahead of me with nothing to do except applying to jobs and a lot of fucking waiting. I hate waiting! I haven’t been writing as much as I like or really need to and I was sitting here wondering why that is, depression aside and all.

I popped onto my tumblr to see what all the rad fatties are up to and I got caught up in some cute pics and things as usual but then I came across some cool art blogs (see above and below gifs lol) and I was inspired. Why have I not been doing more for myself? Why have I been squandering away all of this free time? My first thought was, “Duh! You’re poor as fuck!” but you know what? Libraries are fucking free and awesome! Parks, too! In fact, there’s tons of free stuff I can do on my own during the day that I just plain old forgot about. I need to do these things now before I do get a job and wish I’d done them.

My plans for this week are now going to be getting the fuck out of my house! I want to go to the Pulgas Water Temple because I love it there so much. It’s only open from 9-4 M-F and no one can ever go because of that silly schedule, but I can! I always feel at peace there. I feel more grounded and just calm there. I think it’s the nature and the sound of the water. I always have to take pictures and guess what? I love to take pictures! I’m going to take lots of pictures this week! No matter what I do, pictures will be taken! So, next will be a library or two. Because I enjoy nothing more than randomly grabbing a book of poetry and seeing if something grabs or tickles me (I could use some grabbing and tickling these days Ha-ha!).

I already took my last minute date cancellations this past weekend as a gift of time for much needed home manicure and pedicure that was long over due. Next I’ll dig into my mini stash of face masks to see if I can’t get some pores cleaned and stress reduced (or so say the packets). I will also set a reminder on my phone each day to make sure that I’m eating at minimum two meals per day. I cannot count the number of days I have eaten one meal or less and how that makes me feel physically and mentally. No more! No thanks! That is not who I want to be and I need to take some control over this food avoidance thing before it really gets out of hand.

I will try out my fucking bicycle, dammit! There is a fatty bike meet up this weekend that I’d wanted to go to, but I haven’t actually ridden my bike since I bought it and while it has new inner tubes and all, I am not certain that the seat is comfortable enough to ride it. I will do this. I will test it out, even if it’s only in my driveway. My fear of this is ridiculous and I need to face it and get over it. I’m holding myself back and that is not cool. I want to be done with this bike fear business. Mostly, my fears around it are more injury/street harassment related, but I can’t worry about those if I never get on the damned thing.

I will also set up an outfit picture taking spot somewhere in my room or house so that I can easily and at any time I please get a pic of my outfit. Why? Because I looked cute as hell tonight in one of my new to me dresses and there’s no evidence of it! It’s a damned shame, lemme tell ya! Ha! It was strapless with purple flowers all over it with three layered ruffles and just cuteness!!! Not to mention how great my interview outfit was! Dude! I need to do this. I have a camera with a timer, I need to stop using my phone as an excuse. So…THIS WILL GET DONE, TOO!

And when the insecurities, sadness, anger, frustration, bullshit and haters pop up again or tap me on the shoulder or whisper some awful shit in my ear…

Self-care…Don’t care!

Today I am feeling clear headed and more like myself than I have in weeks. I had a second interview at a job I super want (but still not willing to get my hopes up and still quite superstitious about the whole thing) and while it was mega short, I think it went well. I look fucking fabulous today (even if I am just sitting in my bra and undies at the mo) and I have an important date with my special geek tonight. I am finally hopeful about the future, folks. Yay!

I mentioned the other day that I was excited to go to Cupcakes & Muffintops on Sunday and WHOOO! It was so much fun! I bought more stuff than I have the last three years and I could not be fucking happier about it! I bought 7 dresses, 3 skirts and 4 tops! And it was all super cheap and the money went to Big Moves and NoLose. I am a happy fatshionista! 😉

Raven and I got there maybe ten minutes after it opened and it was already packed! We went through the piles and found some gems and made our way to the fitting room. Only…that shit was overflowing! So, I said fuck it and went by the windows, found a chair to plunk my stuff in and just started trying shit on. I wasn’t alone, either. Nope. Lots of fatties were doing the same damn thing. And it was so fun and awesome!

We tried stuff on and complimented each other. Helped with zippers, hems, buttons and ties. Raven always quick with the alteration suggestions had me try on stuff I wouldn’t normally pick, but I trust her and I swear I find better stuff that way. Get outside your comfort zone! Good things happen there, I swear! So much cute stuff everywhere! Nearly everything I picked Raven was all, “And when you’re done with that you can just pass it along to me, thanks.” Ha-ha!

But she found some amazing finds, too! She’s a big fan of Tripp and Lip Service and she found some fucking gems! Even while waiting in line to pay, that bitch found three things in the far off stacks (or in someone else’s hands Ha-ha!) just standing still in line! Ha-ha! She is amazing! And her happy mood rubbed off on me. It was a good thing, too, because I would have otherwise been devastated by a sudden and unexpected disappointment later that day instead of just being meh about it like I ended up being. Yay Raven! (Though I will say that having SEVEN NEW DRESSES certainly helped comfort me. Ha!)

Today I woke up later than planned, snuggled with the puggyman, and just decided it was going to be a good fucking day, dammit! I got shit to do! Let’s do this!!! And so I got ready for my interview and just did the thing! I’ve had enough “bad days” and worse in a row to be done with the whole notion. I can’t say how long this will last, but I don’t care, either. I need things to start happening and moving in my life again. GOOD STUFF, YOU CAN HAPPEN NOW! THANKS!!!

I have a tentative skype date with a beloved friend tomorrow morning, crafting with another fabulous fatty on Wednesday and hopefully by the end of the week I’ll know about this job I want. Also! Drinking plans for Saturday with P & J?! WOOT! This also means that I have a lot of down time to keep applying for jobs and going about my life stuffs. But I also wanna make sure I’m not holed up in my room for days on end in sadness. No more of that, thanks.

I have also had Fatty Affair stuff on my mind a lot lately. Actually, while trying stuff on at CC&MT yesterday a gorgeous fatty came up to me and said, “Aren’t you the founder of Fatty Affair? Thank you! I went for the swap but had never seen all of this awesome body positive stuff before. Thank you!” and also chatted with a local gal who had never been to a body positive event until yesterday. This reminded me why it is that I do what I do. The work is hard, but it’s necessary and worth it! I have to keep going!!!

So, if you have questions or suggestions about Fatty Affair, please hit me up! notblueatall@notblueatall.com
I am looking to do something even bigger and better this coming year. I haven’t decided on a theme yet, but open to your ideas as well. If you’d like to volunteer or help plan/organize, hit me up! It is always in San Jose, California, so please keep that in mind (that will not change). I am looking for a larger venue and would LOVE your help in finding one!
Thanks so much in advance for your input.

Cheers to you and me!
<3
S

P.S. Please come “Like” this blog’s Facebook page for more info, pics, articles, discussions, fun stuff and more! I “share” a lot of other blogs there, too. 😉

Someone linked to this poem in an FB group I am in:

“Wild Geese” by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

It really resonated with me.

Talking with a friend last night really helped me sort and process so many things. I came to realize that while hiding myself away from all the scary stuff was a protective measure, that I may have taken it a bit too far. I sort of convinced myself that I was losing my mind when she explained that no, I’d just been cooped up for too long! Ha-ha! She reminded me that I’m an extrovert and need certain things in order to feel normal. And then she reminded of this list I’d posted only a couple days ago on my fb wall. So, we’re having lunch together today…because we both have been meaning to and I need to dip my toe in the social waters a bit before the weekend.

Oh! This Sunday is Cupcakes & Muffintops! My favorite clothing swap in the bay area! I know, some of you might be saying, “But wait?! Don’t YOU host a massive clothing swap each year?” Yes, it’s true, but I never get to participate, so this is my big exciting shopping day of the year. I’ve been saving my pennies so I can buy ALL the DRESSES!!! 😉

Obviously, or not, I’ve been worried about reconnecting with my local fat community after my fat conference debacle. I know others feel as I do, but I won’t allow the bullies and mean girls to win this one. I won’t allow anyone to make me feel that I can’t or shouldn’t do what I want or be social with my favorite people. Fuck that and them! They have no power over me! I wish I could convince others of this as well, but shit, if it’s taken me this long and this hard to get here I certainly can’t expect everyone to want to deal. *Hugs*

I’m doing my best to move on and try not to stay my own worst enemy. I’ve had lots of interviews (and rejections), but this upcoming second interview is very promising and exciting. I’m staying hopeful without getting my hopes too high. I’m trying to be mindful and stay in the present right now, it’s hard and requires constant effort, but it’s happening as much as I can make it so. I am trying to remind myself of the little things I manage to get through each day and celebrate the little things as they come.

Having my dog around the last couple of weeks has been nice sometimes. It stresses me out to no end, too, but it’s those small moments where those puggy eyes just fill up my whole heart! Those spontaneous moments of play! Or just the sweet sound of his chewing his toy with those little satisfactory grunts of his. *Sigh*  He is the best…although pretty gross and sometimes creepy, still the best in the land. Sometimes I still can’t believe how lucky I am to have this perfect little mythical creature in my life. What?! He’s mythical! Shut up!

My brother has been calling me a lot, too. For good reasons! He saw a new doctor recently and things have been improving in the house. He has a bit less restrictions and seems generally happier. There are still a ton of things that piss me off, but I’m letting it go so long as he’s okay with it all. It’s been kind of cool to have these random and bizarre conversations with him. He’s very imaginative and creative and whimsical. It’s refreshing! Ha-ha! And the beauty part is how he ends our calls, “Well, I think I’m done talking. Bye.” I mean?! No pressure, honest, and a nice clean break. Perfection! H-ha! We also talk about music and movies a lot which I love. He has so few opinions that it’s almost hard for me to explain why I hate a band sometimes…this is good! This is a challenge and perhaps will open me up some, eh?!

I have made plans to meet up and hang out with some wonderful people next week as well. I know I will get so much out of it and I just have to push myself out of this self-hate-spiral and hiding business. I’ll do it. I gotta! I have watched all of Awkward Black Girl on YouTube and it’s fucking fantastic! I cannot wait for more! I’m watching Louie on NetFlix currently and enjoying the heck out of that. Comedy is so important, folks. That’s what I’m saying! Ha-ha!

And on that note allow me to leave you with this gem. I do believe it is made of pure bliss! If this doesn’t have you at least smiling the whole time, well, I just can’t help ya. 😉 <3