I started my new job and am getting acquainted with how things work. Okay, really, today was like my first real day, but I have like a badge and stuff and that’s cool. Unfortunately, I can’t really share here what it is that I do or for whom I work, specifically. I can say that I like it so far and everyone seems friendly. I was of course a bit fearful of possible fat phobic things coming up, but needlessly so. I had wanted to document my outfits but thus far I’ve only worn older Eshakti dresses I’ve previously posted OOTDs of. So, uhh…yeah!

I had a killer and kick ass weekend! My bff Jery is starring in a local production of Pippin which just opened on Friday. Oh my glob! It, and he, was fucking fantastic! It was hilarious and engaging and entertaining and great! J played the part like he created it from within, to perfection! When he busted out this little dance solo in one number, it’s like you saw his essence and it is dance! Sorry, I get a bit carried away with this stuff. You know, when you see someone doing what they are just supposed to be doing with their life? It’s inspiring! So, yeah…J is amazeballs! The show was fabulous, acting and all. Support your local theater, if you can, folks. 🙂

Saturday was random and silly and fun, as usual. I think my boyfriend and I have found at least some sort of rhythm to our weekends. Well, not entirely. Ha-ha! He came to my place before I got up and I didn’t hear him knock…twice! But then we worked it out and hung out and had a blast. Sunday I woke up ready for adventure and with my roommate’s suggestion decided on Sauselito! I love it there! It’s right on the bay with such gorgeous view and you can walk along the water. It’s very romantic! Well, for most folks, I guess. I was overwhelmed with anxiety for some reason. The moment we got out of the car and onto the street I went from fab to frightful. It was super crowded and couples and kids everywhere. The store I was so stoked to show him didn’t have quite the same cool stuff that they used to. Even the old timey candy store didn’t entice me. I was just a mess, and I didn’t really know why. A relaxing Italian dinner was what finally calmed me down. I wish I could say I was fine the rest of the evening, but that’s not true.

Anxiety is such a beast! Just when I think I’ve got a handle on it, in knowing what triggers it and how to recognize and manage it, something hits me out of the blue. I can piece it all together after the fact, but in the moment I just feel like I can’t breathe and the sky is falling. Then my insecurities take over and I start acting all weird. *Sigh* This all lead to my feeling like a fool and not knowing why I was feeling that way. I felt like a failure. My special geek assured me he’d had a blast all day with me, but for some reason I wasn’t convinced. Anyway, it all ended up very emotional. As soon as he went home I sat in my room and bawled my eyes out for an hour. I guess I just needed to? I don’t know, it felt necessary. I had a drink and watched some shows and went to bed and felt loads better the next day.

I went in for what was supposed to be my first day of work but there was a miscommunication and they had me come back the next day instead. So, lucky me, I got to spend the day with my beloved Raven! We talked and drank and started to work on my mega femme skirt project thingy. Fun! Raven did most of the work because she actually knows what she’s doing and how to figure just about any damned thing out. I mostly played helper/model. But let me tell you, whew! It was fun! Raven ordered me around and I hopped into action! Mind you, she did this not with words but with a flick of a wrist or dart of a finger. *FansSelf*

And now I’m home after my first full day of work and I’m feeling like it was the first day of school. I’m tired and my back hurts and I have my feet up. I could literally fall asleep right now if I chose to, but then I couldn’t sleep tonight and I know better. Instead I made myself a big fat cocktail (Bombay sapphire gin, splash cranberry, splash lime, ginger ale on the rocks) and I’m going to have microwave frozen tamales from Trader Joe’s for dinner and probably go to bed early. That may sound sad or dreary to some of you, but to me? Right now? That is all I want and I am so fucking grateful to have a job!!! 😀

<3
S

You dark washed devil!

I’ve previously mentioned my love and sadness over my old jeans and the endless searching for new ones. I had no idea before beginning this epic search that everyone’s preference for blue jeans is personal and often oddly specific. And I don’t know anybody who enjoys shopping for jeans. I mean?! That’s worse than shopping for new bras…no thanks! This is all, of course, because I’m the proud owner of a fat body who refuses to diminish/shape shift to fit into, well, anything not me. Fuck that! But jeans? I mean, in the fashion-first world sense of it all, aren’t jeans like a basic thing? Not for fatties, apparently.

I’ll admit that my focus on the hunt hasn’t always been there, but scratching the surface again just now and it all comes back to me. The hope, the disappointment, the anger and frustration! It’s an emotional roller coaster. And this isn’t even attempting to find some in a brick and mortar store. I’m fortunate to be local to many plus size clothing retailers as well as many large department stores, but I haven’t visited a single one. Oh! Wait, no…that’s not true! I did try on all of the 26W’s at Walmart recently. I bought zero pairs. And I have looked in several thrift stores now. Mostly it’s because I’m been so beyond broke that I can’t afford to even look in such places, but now that I’m working again and most folks there seem to wear jeans, the hunt continues.

I do realize that being on the larger end of the plus size spectrum isn’t helping my quest. I wear a 28 in Avenue jeans (62 inch hips), but fuck if I know what that translates to in any other brand. I like a straight or classic leg. I like soft, thin, supple, not-too-much-stretch-but-some-stretch fabric. Dark wash for sure. I don’t need sparkles or spikes. No fancy crap on the ankles. To be honest, the Avenue Denim Lite jeans that I loved so much, I never unbuttoned them. They just slid right over my hips and then hugged them. They were so comfortable! No pinching or weird rubbing or chafing. No waistband marks or too-tight thighs. They were always somehow just right. Except that they weren’t infallible. :*(

The last time I found the perfect jeans was for my Rosie the Riveter costume many many years ago. I’d never worn dark washed jeans or stretchy-thin ones. I went with the average length so I could do a short but crisp cuff. They were so comfortable as part of my costume that I kept wearing them and soon bought more and more. I have one pair left that I wear so rarely now in fear of them wearing out completely. It breaks my heart.

I cannot stand really thick denim, you know how it’s stiff and coarse against your skin. I’ve never tried jeggings or skinny or stiletto jeans. I would ideally wear them to work often, so they can’t be distressed or whatever. I want them to look sharp but not crispy. Does that even make sense? Ha-ha! Just simple, comfortable and cute. Ha! Why is this a  laughable if not lofty desire to have? *Sigh* I’m super glad I never got rid of all my old office wear. I hated trying to find slacks. Blegh!

Are you feeling me on this one? Where should I start? What should I avoid? How much should I expect to spend? Secrets to making denim last longer (specifically thigh rubbing area)?  Should I give up hope?

<3
S

Oh sweet wonderful darlings! I have missed you so! Gosh! Looking at the last few posts and I’m realizing why I wanted or needed to take a break from it all. Ha! I posted a whopper of a post about my own abuse survival and then nothing but fatshion posts since. Not that today’s post will be full of importance or substance, but I thought I’d let you know what I’ve been up to and what’s on the horizon for me as well.

Last weekend I went to visit my friend Laura and get away from “it all” as they say. I needed that! A trip up north usually does me some good, but good company and silliness always does me wonders! We talked and did our nails and drank and watched movies and shopped and laughed and ate great food and just had a great time.

Giant Tea Cup at Ross: "Where would I put this?"

Giant Tea Cup: "I could totally drink from this, see!"

Positive Message: Laura loved this!

I returned Sunday afternoon and had a lovely day with my Special Geek. He’s never been to a drive-in movie, so we hit up one of the last remaining local ones and had such a blast! Monday was a holiday for most workers (Labor Day), so he and I spent the day together doing fun and geeky things, as per usual. I wasn’t quite ready to jump back into internet land though and to be honest, I’ve had a touch of writer’s block that I wasn’t willing to address yet. I was at wit’s end with my job searching/hunting and while happy with most other aspects of my life, I knew I needed to really buckle down and focus on the interviews I had lined up.

The puggyman and B came for a visit and while I didn’t get a pic from that night, I had to share this pic which just warms my heart and makes me smile. I promise you, there is no sweeter sound in the world than pug snorggles and squeaks from his chewing his “chewbie.” This is actually him sitting in his car safety seat. Yes, my dog has a car seat. Why? Because I don’t want him flying through the fucking windshield and getting killed if we get into a car accident…you know, like for people who don’t want their babies to die. Yeah…that! Not cheap, but totally worth it.

Puggyman + Chewbie = Happy

A friend of mine from Tumblr had recently offered to do a ten minute portrait for folks who were interested. I’d never had someone draw my portrait before, so I hit him up for one. So cool! Thanks so much, Ted! 🙂 Now I wanna get like different ones in varying styles and make like a cool grid of them or something. I find it fascinating, actually, to see how others see me. It’s rare, but when I get a glimpse of that other perspective, I see how other’s see me and I love that feeling.

Ten Minute Portrait By Lachrimaestro

I got to see my beloved Raven on Friday and Monday and I am so glad that I did! I hadn’t seen her in nearly a month (she went to burning man) and I’d missed her terribly! We caught up with our life stuffs over a “fancy cheese plate” I assembled in her honor. She is the best hostess, y’all! For real! She will tell you that she’s got nothing in the house to serve and then come out of the kitchen five minutes later with some seriously awesome stuff! So, when she came over, I tried to make her feel as she always makes me feel: welcome and cared for.

Fancy Cheese Plate

Monday Raven and I had grand designs of thrifting and sewing. We did the thrifting part with great success! Sadly, we did not get to the sewing, but did manage to buy some more fabric for what I’m calling my “mega femme super skirt” project. Ha-ha! While she doesn’t care for the labels and such, she was very supportive/excited about the project and helped make this project seem doable. Hopefully I’ll soon have pics or a video to show you…but don’t hold your breath! You’ll die! 😉

No kissing! Raven just missed the shot of my kissy faces at cupcake-topper-man. Ha!

California Love...for Life!

As we pulled up to one of the thrift shops we checked out I saw this wall and exclaimed, “OHMYGAWD WE HAVE TO TAKE PICS IN FRONT OF THIS AMAZING WALL!!!” to which Raven said, “Then let’s take your pic in front of that wall.” very deadpan. She was SO NOT into my deep desire to get a pic of the two of us in our matching Zenni Optical prescription sunglasses. Boo! They are so cute and we are so sexy and there totally should have been a twinsies-selfies shot of that…but nope! She did snap the above cute pics of me in my “lucky” jean skirt. I didn’t even realize it said California above my head until I uploaded these just now. Nice! We had a ton of fun together.

Yesterday I was actually over the moon with joy and happiness and excitement, before I headed up to Raven’s place or even had my morning espresso! You see, my dearest babies, I’d gotten a call from a place I’d had three job interviews for. They wanted to make me an offer!!! So I went into their offices in San Jose to see the offer and sign the papers (if I accepted). And…I AM EMPLOYED!!! I don’t have a start date yet, but I am so happy I could pop! The offer was beyond my wildest dreams! I’m so fucking excited! I have a career again! This was the one giant missing piece of my life puzzle and I cannot express how much it means to me to finally have a job again, but also one where I can carve out a place and a name for myself and make a difference, possibly. I guess I won’t really know until I start, but I am still in shock over just getting the offer for the job, let alone the pay and benefits! Whew! and Woo Hoo!

I was positively giddy yesterday! I couldn’t sit still for more than a moment. I was all foot tapping, hip swivels and silliness and laughter. Later, Raven made a lovely cocktail for us with Yazi vodka (ginger infused, so good) and ginger ale…so delicious! And then Sarah got all silly and goofy and made everyone laugh including herself…so much! And I had a mini realization: When I’m in a good mood, I’m a heck of a lot of fun to be around! I’ll have to keep this thing going, maybe more folks will wanna hang out with me! Ha-ha!

Actually, my new year’s resolution this year was simply to incorporate more silliness into my daily life and I have to say it is a wonderful thing! I have tried to be and do as much silly things as I possibly can I dear Zod I am a much happier gal for that! I highly recommend it! I’m fortunate to have a boyfriend who values this as well and frowns on that whole “being a grown up” jive. Ha-ha! I feel younger and brighter and shinier, too! 😉

I am so grateful and lucky and blessed and happy to have the incredible people in my life that I do. Including you, my lovely and sweet and supportive readers. Thank you for the support and well wishing and all of the “something awesome will come through for you any day now!” messages. I lost faith and hope a couple of times, but you were always there to keep me on track. Thank you so much!

Rad Fatty Love to you ALL!

<3
S

Jean Skirt Love

Yesterday began with zero expectation. No plans, no motivation, just blah. I got up with the pug to take him outside, but we went back to bed soon after. I’ve been having a difficult time falling asleep lately, which in turn makes getting up at a respectable hour a rarity. Then my boyfriend text that he took the day off and asked if I was around. Of course I said yes! Then it was a brief glimpse in the mirror to check my hair and since it was still rockin’ from yesterday I hopped in the shower for a quick one.

I know I hadn’t posted any sort of fatshion stuff in awhile and then suddenly started to, but it’s all because of my friend V and her blog: http://mytippetonlytulle.blogspot.com/ She’s suddenly inspired me to post my outfits. I enjoy getting dolled up a few times a week and always forget to take pics or just don’t know what to say, but I have realized that this gives me an excuse to both write and put outfits together. Win win! I can’t buy much in the way of new things but I recall the glory days of the fatshionista community on livejournal and how I loved just seeing other fat bodies in fatshionable clothing. It was so inspiring, so radical and fucking awesome! And then taking these pics of myself? Well…look at those chubby-ass arms!!! 😉

I have not worn a jean skirt since junior high! I snagged this baby for a steal at a local clothing swap a few weeks ago. It is the most perfect jean skirt ever! It’s got a dark wash, it’s snug but not too tight, it’s knee length but not too short, and the butt has little gunmetal grey sparkles all over it! I am in love! I wore it for the first time yesterday and instantly felt better (I woke up with zero self esteem, it happens). It has so many pockets, too!

I’d wanted to wear this black and grey striped v-neck tee that I have, but I couldn’t locate it in time. Just as I zipped up the front of my magical jean skirt he was knocking on my door. So on went this old Torrid top I’ve only worn four times ever but now find myself quite taken with it. My ever-present teggings paired with the black top made for a great casual look for the day’s adventures.

Jean Skirt Rear View

I bought these little black crochet shoes at Walmart a few weeks ago for ten bucks and I find myself wearing them more than anything else. I need to go back and get another pair. These are an 8 and while I usually feel that I have wide feet, these fit so nicely. Actually, I almost considered going down half a size. Definitely worth the ten bucks and they go with nearly anything. I think they also came in a cream color.

Walmart Win

All in all it ended up being a pretty good day with much laughter and snark. He liked the mini terrarium I gave him (and got myself one, too) and it was nice to spend time with one of my favorite people.

Pretty Good

I guess you could say I’m feeling a bit better. I have an interview this afternoon that sounds promising. I don’t think I have it in me to get my hopes up or even get excited just yet, but who knows. I’m just trying to take things one moment at a time and focus on the good stuff for now. I hope you all are doing well. If things are tough know that you’re not alone. seems we’re all going through or dealing with something these days. *Hugs* We’ll get through. 🙂

<3
S

ETA: If you find those shoes at your local Walmart in a size 8? Grab them for me? I’ll gladly pay you shipping or whathave you. I went to mine today and they were out. They do go up to at least a size 10 for those who think it might be futile, but thus far they are not online.

I had an exciting interview Monday afternoon on the Apple campus. It wasn’t a position working for Apple, but with them. Eh, it’s complicated. Anyway, the interview was over so fast that I have no idea how it went. I do know that I looked cute and did my best to sell my skills, ask the right questions and exude confidence. Well, I fucking faked it, anyway! Ha!

Interview Outfit. "Would you hire me? I'd hire me. I'd hire me. I'd hire me so hard!"

This is my go-to interview outfit. I’ve had the same few pair of LB slacks for ages (size 28), they’re classic and simple and black. This Eshakti blouse (size 28) I wasn’t sure I liked when I first bought it now seems to be my dressing up for any occasion top. Woo! And my pearls? Well, they’re a seriously prized posession (gift from my ex-husband) and I wear them with pride as often as I can. As for shoes…

Born T-Bar Janes/Heels

I randomly snagged a pair of Born shoes on eBay a couple of months ago for a steal! I didn’t think I’d actually win them, but I did. And I wasn’t sure how they would fit, but to my delight they are quite comfortable. I’m a sucker for a Mary Jane shoe anytime, but a t-bar and a comfortable heel?! Perfection!

Born T-Bar Janes/Heels: Yay eBay!

They have this adjustable Velcro on the sides for optimal customizing comfort. I think they look cute, maybe a bit funky, but hey that’s me! I can actually do quite a bit of walking in these, provided my hamstring isn’t doing some strange thing at the time. I trekked quite a bit in these when I first bought them for an interview in Oakland. I’ve had a few compliments on them so I figure I’ll keep wearing ’em.

Sleepy Pug

I always post pics of my puggyman sleeping, but honestly it’s the only time I can snap a photo! He hates having his pic taken…but damn, look at that mug!!! <3

Fake it 'til I make it 😉

Oh I look so confident and sassy-cute. LIES! Ha-ha! Fakin’ it until I can make it, babies. Inside I am a tornado of emotions, whirling and whizzing around and making me feel crazy! Ha! I know I’ll be okay, everything will sort itself out somehow, but right now I am a puddle of worry and fears. But shit, my hair looked hella cute so I snapped a bunch of selfies. 😉

How I really feel

No cause for alarm, mind you. Just feeling worried and anxious about a lot of stuff right now. Not knowing something that feels like it will steal the life from you, well, it’s a heavy burden to carry. Even if the thing I don’t know isn’t the most important thing in the world, it’s a big and scary thing to not know when all else tells me it should fit right into place.

Bright Eyes

But that’s not life, eh? What fits into place? We’re not machines or puzzles. We’re messy sacks of blood and organs and a brain full of worry and doubts. My self esteem must have been leaking lately, I seem to have depleted most of it.

How I want people to see me

I know for some folks taking selfies can be incredibly difficult. For some reason today, it felt necessary. Making funny and happy faces hit a brain button and I’m feeling less afraid because of it (its’ an actual science/brain chemistry thing, trust me).

"No really, I'm okay. Ha-ha!"

I am okay. Just…the waiting! Ugh! I hate waiting and might actually suck at it. The things I want and need are so very worth waiting for. I know this. Oh gawd how I know it! But it doesn’t make the waiting easier.

I’m grateful for so much while worrying about so little. It all seems so urgent and important and stupid and trivial at once. Such is life. So be it.

<3
S