NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Relationships

November7

Every person that I have ever met has impacted me in some way. Every playground pal, classmate, coworker and bestie has left a mark. Some of those impressions were good and obviously some were pretty awful. It was my choice to do with that what I could or wanted to at the time. Bullies, abusers, ex-boyfriends, ex-friends, former coworkers and bosses that have belittled or harmed me, while many, it is still up to me to decide which pain to hold onto, how much anger is healthy for me and what I need to focus on in order to heal.

I know that I, too, have left an impression on those I have encountered in my life and out in the world. I have learned many a hard lesson on how even small and seemingly inconsequential things can have a huge impact on others, good and bad, and I do not get to decide for them which or what it will be. Working in customer service for so long, you learn on the job for the most part, interacting with the public will teach you quickly what is and isn’t okay to say or do. It is why I think everyone should be sentenced to at least one full year of hard retail (ha!). It builds character, it toughens your skin, it gives you new perspectives, makes you a little more/less compassionate towards others and it’s a lot of hard work.
We are human, underneath all of the pretense. We make limitless mistakes in life. This is our nature and it is how we learn, too. At age four upon meeting the first neighborhood kid I encountered in “the tree” I learned instantly how not to respond to a compliment. “You’re pretty.” said Karen. “I know.” I replied, plainly. “You’re so conceited! I can’t believe you said ‘I know’ you can’t say that! That’s so rude! You’re conceited!!! Ha-ha!” I felt as though my face would burn off with every word she uttered. I hadn’t yet learned to say thank you to a compliment. I only knew that my grandpa always said I was pretty and that he’d have to keep the boys away with a baseball bat…I was four years old!
I never felt like I fit in anywhere, yet I never stopped trying to make friends. In my neighborhood the kids were all pretty much complete dicks to me, but there was no one else to play with. *Sigh* I can’t count the number of times I would run home crying because of those jerks! Even little Johnny would turn on me when his sister/s were around. I didn’t give up trying to win them over, that is until I made a real friend and soon had other places to go and friends to play with. Kindergarten brought new friends but new life lessons. The dress I proudly wore because my grandma gave it to me was instantly deemed pajamas by my entire class, “Look! Sarah wore her nightgown! Ha-ha! She wore her pajamas to school! Ha-ha!” That was my first taste of being the fashion misfit.
I learned so much from that first bff friendship. We loved each other so much, I think, even though we were just kids. We went through a lot together and always stayed close even when things got super hard and scary. I look back and wonder now if things may have been differently had I not had a stealing problem in 6th grade. I stole a pair of my bf’s shoes, brand new white Keds. I just wanted to be like her, so I took them and tried to pass them off as a gift from my grandma. Yeah, that didn’t work. We weren’t allowed to hang out again. After all we’d been through (we were molested at the same time, same molester), the years of playing and dancing and sleepovers and hilarity, that was the death nell for our friendship. I don’t know if I’ll ever not carry that guilt.
Junior high is when the bullying started for me and most of my friends would disappear when they showed up to humiliate, slap, kick, shove and otherwise make me feel like crap. The only friend that wouldn’t run or hide was Summer. Maybe it was because she was bigger than most girls or maybe it’s because she looked like a Chola much of the time, but when I was with Summer, they wouldn’t even look at me! Sounds awesome, but more often than not, they would find me by the end of the day and I soon had to find alternate routes home from school to avoid them.
Junior high is also when I formed two very important friendships, both in the 8th grade. Steph I met in first period P.E. class. I had just gotten my ears pierced (had the usual two to begin with but got an additional four) and she offered to help me switch out my studs for hoops as she saw me struggling. We’ve pretty much been bff’s since. Ha! Q I met towards the end of that year. It seemed we each had our own reasons for messing with this one gal and I just happened to know her locker combination and when asked, offered it to her freely. I didn’t realize a third party was involved and would later trash said girl’s textbooks which nearly got us all suspended. Instead, Q and her friend and I bonded over having to clean all the girls bathrooms while singing Salt ‘N Pepa songs.
Between then and now is a sat stretch of time with so many folks sprinkled through like a funfetti cupcake, but those two bitches have always had my back, even when no one else in the entire world did. When I was at my very worst, in the abusive relationship and wanting to end my own life, Q was always there with a phone call or email (she was in college out of state). When things seemed bleaker than bleak, she simply listened and offered her love. Stephy, too, though years later. They helped me heal and become the gal I am today. I don’t know that I will ever be able to express my gratitude to them for that, but I think at this point, they just know. 🙂
When I met my now ex-husband I had no idea I would spend the next fifteen years with that guy! Ha-ha! I hired him for x-mas help at the music store. We were fast friends and later more and pretty much have been inseparable since. Well, until, you know, I separated us. Ha! Too soon? Ha-ha! Ahem, sorry. He’s really a great guy who cares and worries a bit too much but isn’t that part of his charm?! We simply grew apart and I knew I needed to move on because he never would. I’m glad that we are still friends and very pleased that we’ve both found people who keep us very happy (okay, we’re both silly in love). He’s also a pretty fantastic pug papa and I will always be so glad and grateful for that.
When I first met my bff P he was my boss and I thought he hated my guts for a good five or six months, until the day he promoted me and said all this nice stuff about me, I couldn’t believe it! It wasn’t until I was promoted to his same position that we became friends and now I consider him and his partner, my bff J, to be my brothers. Just as Steph and Q are like my sisters. B is…I don’t know…something like a brother/weird uncle/bff and undefined thing. Ha-ha! He’s just B! But those fellas, they are to whom I know I can turn no matter what state I am in. I have sobbed over P’s stroganoff (because it’s so good and made with all the love) and sweated it out over many a thing (J helped choreograph my NoLose talent show performance and is the MC for Fatty Affair). We have traveled near and far and can’t wait to do it all again. Those guys!!!
Through thick and thin, I have had these incredible people show me who they are and who I am through their eyes. I am strong and more understanding because of them. They will call me out when I’m being ridiculous or deluding myself and they will be the first to demand who did what to me and can they please go rough them up?! I’ll never forget the time a boy broke my heart on my b-day and Stephy wanted to trash his prized truck. I wouldn’t let her, but the sentiment was real. Aw!
In my new, independent and single adult life, I have come to view friendships and well, all relationships, quite differently. There is a reason I have had the same small little group of close friends that I have for so long (Steph & Q for 23+ years, the boys 15 & 12 years). They have put me through the paces, ya know? They have each hurt me very deeply, but their love and willingness to be present in my life has always proved to be more than I expected. I’ve been told my expectations are too high, but these people prove to me that this isn’t so. What is right for me may not be right for most, so be it.
I have newer friends that I see this potential for longevity, too. I look up to them and respect them because they give me the same. They have my back, for the most part, but these relationships are still fairly new, at least for me. I have been so attached to people who seem real and genuine before, even “bffs” who later turned out to be complete fakers, but in the end they cross a line and I can’t look back. I rarely let the fear of getting hurt like that again hold me back, but I’m aware of it’s potential, always. I don’t know if that is a sign of maturity or foolishness, but it doesn’t matter.
The people who matter, the people who want to be in my life, simply are. The rest is just lip service. I’ve never been fond of having many acquaintances, I prefer a smaller close knit group. Now I am seeing the value in not being so close to so many folks. It’s just how life is sometimes. We can’t all connect on that deeper level and while that is what I will always crave, I know there are some in my life who that just isn’t possible. We all have our passions and interests and where they don’t overlap I try to give folks plenty of space. I know better than to ask P to go out dancing, for instance. It just won’t ever happen.
Understanding where I stand with someone is vital, it helps me know where I fit in their life and how we can both benefit from each others presence. I do think that  relationships should be mutually beneficial. If I feel that someone is a giant taker and leaves me feeling tense or stressed, well I’m not exactly going to be inviting them to hang out or do stuff for much longer, ya know? This is an at will situation. We’re grown ups, we can do what we want with whomever we choose. It’s pretty great! And I have learned so much from every person I’ve ever met. I now know to be true to myself no matter what and that is what leads to better relationships. The more I know about myself, my needs and wants, my life goals and stuff, the better friend and partner I can be and communicate those things to the other person/s in my life, too.
For me that was the key, just knowing what I wanted was such a hard thing to discover. People test you, man. They can push you and they can shine a light on shit you don’t want anyone to see or know about. That is the hardest and most rewarding part of a good relationship, I think. That others can show and teach us so much about ourselves.  I have learned so much in my last couple of romantic relationships (including my current one) that I say and do things in the hopes that the other person will mirror them. This is not the same as simply asking for them. I’m still learning and struggling with asking for things, but I’m getting better. It is far better to feel embarrassed and blush a lot and suffer through those awkward and uncomfortable moments than it is to long for someone to fulfill your needs without communication. Communication is everything, in every relationship.
My journey in accepting, supporting and loving myself has taken many turns. There’s been some bumps and even a few roller coasters along the way (good and bad), but what’s kept me going is knowing that I have those cherished relationships and my fat community. There has never been anything like the fat community in my life before and I can’t imagine my life without it now. While I have occasionally (okay, often) felt disconnected from the fat community, I know there is always support there. That no matter how bruised and battered I am, the fat community will always listen with an open mind and heart and embrace me, flaws and all, and let me just be me. It’s a beautiful thing and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Rad Fatty Love to All!
<3
S

 

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Dear Companies Selling “Healthy” Stuff…

November6

 (Text in image reads: Dear muffin top, I want to break up. I’m seeing NatureBox. It’s not me, it’s you.)

NO!

This is not how you sell things, folks. You don’t shame people, or their body parts, in order to sell your goods.There is a reason I have a bumper sticker that reads, “Love Your Muffintop” on my car. I’m sick of people and companies demonizing specific body parts. I’m sick of seeing or hearing that if I buy XYZ that I will no longer possess said body part. No thanks! It’s one of the biggest issues I have with PETA (though I have a lot of problems with them, the fat hating bastards). I have been a vegan and a vegetarian and guess what? STILL FAT!!!
Eating healthy is great, I won’t ever knock it. But insisting a product or service will miraculously eliminate a part of someone’s body is just wrong. Not only is it wrong, it’s outright lies! I love all the parts of my body and need them to live! What’s that you say? I don’t need a muffin top to live? Perhaps not, but in this body I do. In this life I do. And I don’t want anyone telling me to “break up” with a part of my body. 

Sell your healthy stuff on its own merits and goodness. Try selling it based on it’s flavor and how it makes someone feel! Don’t bully people, don’t be mean, don’t be rude…don’t be a jerk! Some would certainly find this whole “break up” thing cute and harmless, but I don’t. And I’m certain others won’t either. In fact, I happen to know of a few fellow fat activists who actually do subscribe to that box and I would be interested to hear their reactions to it. 
Curious, though, I did read the comments (I never read the comments! Ha!). But I was delighted to find this little gem:
I’m in a longterm relationship with my muffin top, thank you! And we’re both deliriously happy together!
And that made me smile! Out of 115 comments, that was the only one that was actually positive (in my opinion and I had to “like” it, too).
And then my good friend, Tigress pointed out that it’s wearing the wrong size or style of pants that creates that “muffin top” look anyway:
“Dear Muffin Top, I know it’s not your fault that I have created you by wearing pants that don’t fit me right just so I can say the number on the tag is a smaller size, but instead of blaming myself and buying the right clothes, I blame you!” (insert eye roll here)
I love her sense of humor!
Kath of FatHeffalump responded with, Dear Muffin Top, you are the most delicious bit of the muffin. Come here and let me nom on you!”
What do you think of this type of advertising? How would you prefer this type of thing be marketed to you? What do you do when you see this type of ad?

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This Angry Villain

November5

Last Sunday morning, while I was in Minneapolis with my boyfriend at the Mall of America, we were in search of coffee and food. The options are plentiful there and we wandered a good bit. We were there before most of the mall was open, but the place was full of people and activity. There seemed to be a huge event being set up and hundreds of people in YMCA t-shirts. We passed a few sections of the mall where hundreds of yoga mats had been arranged in front of a stage. And then I saw the sign: Workout With Jillian (Michaels)!!!

I gripped my now sweating plastic cup of iced espresso and soy milk. I felt the heat come into my cheeks and the realization that one of the prominent faces of fat hate would be right there in the same space as I was. My Special Geek had never heard of her or the show she’s famous for and so I did my best to explain without getting all ragey. Well, then I did get a little upset at the way the announcer was saying all of this stuff about “fat” and Jillian and and basically calling her the greatest American hero or some shit. *Barfs*
I was so tempted to throw my coffee at her I cannot even tell you! I just wasn’t dealing very well and to be honest the coffee was nearly undrinkable (and I was on very little sleep several days in a row). But then I reasoned that I couldn’t have my first arrest ever be at the mall of America! And we both had a good laugh at that. But I was surprised at how upset I made myself just explaining to him why I hated her so. I mean, I don’t know her, I’ve never watched her show and wouldn’t even if paid to! I’ve seen and have heard enough to know it’s not for me.
I’m not one to anger quickly and even then I refuse to hold onto anger for long. I used to have a pretty bad temper and have worked very hard to rid myself of that toxic behavior. It only held me back. Anger never helped nor healed me, so why make a buddy with it? I know it can fuel some things, I’ve certainly used it that way, but when all is said and done it is hard work and focus and passion that makes change happen for the better.
Now as I look up the event I see that it was called “BODYSHRED” (yes, in all caps and one word) and doesn’t that say it all?! *EpicEyeRoll* It is people like her and all who blindly follow her that make me fight back and want to continue to do so. I will not shred any part of or the entirety of my body or fat. Shredding is for cheese and paper! I will not bear witness silently as my very existence is vilified! That is precisely what all of these fitness celebrities are doing. They are trying to make me the bad guy and I’m not having any of it!
The truth is that they are the bad guys. They are selling lies and profiting off the insecurities they themselves are cultivating in their viewers/followers/fans. I don’t know about you, but I prefer to look up to people who make me feel good, not worse! I admire and respect folks who do what they can to make the world a better place. I don’t really see how “BODYSHRED” will help the people of this planet. All of this shallow publicity and faux heroism all because marketing jerks decided to turn a profit on the concept that there should be no variation in the shape of the human body. Ridiculous!
So, I didn’t throw my coffee at anyone (except the garbage can). I didn’t shout obscenities or make a big scene. All very tempting, but in the end what good would it have done? I would have looked like an asshole and most likely would have been arrested and Jillian would have looked like a victim and the good guy in all of this and it’s all fucking pointless anyway. There are better ways to fight this fight. And yes, I wish there wasn’t a fight to be fought in the first place but the “battle” was pitched long ago and I did not choose my body, but I choose to love it as it is now and thus must stand up for what is right.
Had I known in advance perhaps I could have organized a little protest or something. But of course that whole weekend was a big splash of spontaneity and I could not have been happier for it! I would always recommend a non-violent protest or demonstration over assaulting someone. If given the chance to sit and have a true conversation with Jillian Michaels, I’d give her the chance to share her side and I would absolutely listen. But I would not hesitate to point out that her “facts” and “science” are lies and provide enough resources to prove it. There’s just so much more to it all than that, though.
This is why body autonomy is so vital to me and really should be to us all. I did see a lot of fatties in Minneapolis, in the mall. But the people participating in the “BODYSHRED” event were mostly very thin to average in size, and all quite young and female in appearance. I can’t know if this was intentional or not. I don’t know if the fatties I saw shopping in the mall were proud or self accepting or not. I know that I smiled when I caught a fellow fatty checking out my plaid top and at another who was checkin’ my shoes or jeans (I couldn’t tell which but it was quite a combo so could have been both hahaha!). We can’t know what is in other’s hearts and minds. But we can share what is in ours and I choose to use this platform to do so.
We all have a unique and individual experience just living our own lives. Our stories are all valid. We all deserve to be heard. I think we all just want to be understood and made to feel valued and cared for. It is very hard to do that when the society you live in demonizes your body at every turn. I think just being me and smiling and doing whatever it is that I do has helped me shrug off a lot of the hate, but I know that’s not so easy for others to do. When that hate isn’t just on your television and radio and billboards and magazines, when it is in your own home and coming from people who say they love you unconditionally? That is the hardest of all.
I don’t have a simple solution for that. I can only tell you that that is not unconditional love. Anyone directing hate at you is not doing it out of love (even if they think they are).  We all need to think and feel for ourselves what is right for us and insist others respect that. I refuse to shame others because they don’t live like I do and I will not stand by while someone else shames another either. Whatever happened to “Mind your beeswax”?! Ha-ha!
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Two Sides

November4

I love Facebook. Well, I love using it most of the time, anyway. I can stay in touch and connect with folks I simply can’t ever see in person (it’s a big world we live in). I have fb friends all over the world and how great to live in the here and now and just instant message or video chat them whenever I want. So cool! I use it for personal stuff, my blog stuff and activism stuff. What has been a bit of a surprise is how those groups overlap, but also, how people behave online versus in real life.

When a friend tells me to my face that they love and accept their body, that they want to live a better life for themselves, it makes me happy. They get it! They get what I’m all about and the work that I do, too. But when someone I consider myself close to says one thing to my face but then goes on fb and “likes” a bunch of unhealthy diet and weight loss pages it hurts. Why did they lie to me? Why would they say they want to be healthy but then “like” things that represent the exact opposite?
*Sigh*
I think part of having my identity tied to my body size is that people believe that I am not only invested in my own body acceptance and longevity, but that somehow I’m also greatly invested in theirs. I’m not, though. I mean, if you’re my friend, of course I want you to be happy and healthy. End of story. My whole point as an activist is based in body autonomy! The very idea of which is that it is your body and your choice. But don’t fucking lie about it! Don’t say one thing to my face and then go on Facebook and share all of your toxic bullshit for all to see. *Barfs*
If dieting and weight loss is your choice, then it is your choice. I cannot save you from yourself or society at large if you don’t want that. I will not be quiet about the dangers and risks and lies involved in those choices if they are brought up to or in front of me. I can’t sit idly by as you insist something is a “miracle” or whatever. Ugh! No. I can’t. And I won’t! I refuse to watch people destroy themselves with drugs or alcohol or other dangerous behaviors. It doesn’t mean we can’t be friends, but if you’re going to be so two-faced about this stuff, at least have the decency to change your privacy settings so that every “Like” and comment isn’t also showing up in my feed (yes, I have since changed mine as well).
The holiday season will soon be upon us and with that all of the utter bullshit that goes along with it. Food guilt and policing, body comments and policing, shaming and blaming, bullying (even if it’s your aunt, it’s bullying!) and worse. I refuse to allow that shit into my life and my home. You can make your own choices, but this is mine and I must do all I can to protect myself from the awful crap that’s out in the world.
I see the hypocrisy in it all. It’s cyclical. Come the end of December it will be all resolutions and work out talk. Burning fat and sweating off the calories. What they don’t tell you, because they would go bankrupt if they did, is that their “science” or whatever claims they make are ALL LIES!!! You’re better off reading some tantalizing fiction and waiting for some shiny savior to whisk you away to fairyland! Seriously? Your chances are better in fairyland (when do we leave? 😉 ).
Please, don’t be rude, though. Don’t lie and then lie again in an attempt to cover it. Don’t be that person. It IS a choice. It always is. No one is forcing you to lie. I would have much more respect for someone if they simply said it’s their choice and they’d rather not hear my thoughts on the subject. I can handle that and I would let it go and just enjoy their company. But the lies must end or the friendship will, got it? Thanks.
I know that my love and loyalty to my friends is often seen as “too much” but it’s what keeps me going. Some folks have family, I have my chosen family. I have worked hard to develop those relationships and I have reaped the benefits of that work. I love with my whole self and yeah, I hurt with my whole self, too. I’m an all or nothing gal. I have tried to be the peacekeeper, walked the politically correct line, but in the end I am only me and I can only do what I can do.
So, see me, but be real. Be true to you. The weight of the lies you tell today must be carried with you always. I have chosen a different way of life for myself, isn’t that why you wanted to be my friend to begin with? Sometimes I think I have to show or teach people what a friendship can be or look like. It’s hard as hell, though. I can only take so much. I draw the line at lies. I have been my most authentic self, but perhaps that was too much to take in if you’d never seen it before.
I guess that I forget sometimes that most of the world is comfortable with the lies our society deals in. And here I am, coming from a long line of rebels, waltzing in and saying’ “How do ya do!” with too much enthusiasm. My heart on my sleeve, but my eyes always absorbing the truth. I won’t burn this bridge, but there will be a temporary closure, as you have seen fit to hide your true self from me and maybe even you, too. I can still love you, but I can’t take the childish games anymore. I never played them to begin with. I wish you well, I wish you much love and success in your life. I hope you can find the true value and beauty inside of you one day. *Hugs*
I can’t fix anyone but me. I can only heal myself and work on my own baggage. I’m always available for listening and advice. But please respect my time and my choices. When you want more than just a sugar-coating cheerleader as a friend, do hit me up. I never was that girl, anyway, even if that’s what you wanted me to be. Perhaps it just wasn’t the right time or we simply weren’t meant to be friends for long. We’re all different and so are our needs. I hope you find what it is that you need in your life.
<3
S
The Claddagh stands for Friendship (hands), Loyalty (the crown) and Love (the heart).
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Elusive Confidence

November1

“Nothing is sexier than confidence!” They say, whoever “They” are. I’ve heard this a million times throughout my life, but it wasn’t until I had said confidence that I fully understood what all of the hubbub was about. I used to think how you could get such a thing, this elusive confidence junk. Growing up I thought you had to be rich to have confidence. Fortunately, you can’t buy confidence. You can’t grow it on a tree, either. Sorry.

So, what is confidence? What does it feel like? What does it look like? And most importantly…”How do I get some of that stuff?!?!?!” I hear you loud and clear! So, let’s explore this together, shall we?
What is confidence? Webster’s gives us this as definition:

: a feeling or belief that you can do something well or succeed at something

: a feeling or belief that someone or something is good or has the ability to succeed at something

: the feeling of being certain that something will happen or that something is true

Not exactly what we’re told it is. It’s like the golden friggin’ ticket! I think we must look at this less literally and more culturally, yeah? Okay, looking at what confidence means in the world at large you may think of celebrities and models and athletes and the like. What may surprise you is that most of these types of people, just like us regular folks, have insecurity issues or lack confidence. “What?! How can that be? They’re on T.V. and Movies and win trophies and medals! They CAN’T be insecure!” Well, they are! Not sorry to be the one to tell you but let me share my own realization on this part.
Years ago I was reading an interview with Gwen Stefani in some magazine (who knows which one, I used to have a heavy mag addiction). She was sharing her experience in photo shoots and specifically the one for that magazine. She said when she arrived they had racks and racks of clothes for her, but most didn’t fit her at all! She felt like crap! She thought they were experts + magicians and surely they would make her look amazing for their magazine and would be mega prepared and have her sizes, etc. Not so much. She said she isn’t a confident person and often feels super gross about herself but loves her job so much that she is constantly pushing herself through these situations so that she can keep doing it. And to me that was the key!
If someone as amazing and gorgeous and talented as Gwen Stefani feels gross about her body, about herself and must push herself to get through things that are uncomfortable for her, then surely there is hope for the likes of me! And with that little nugget of wisdom safely tucked away in my brain box, I started to look at my life a bit differently. This whole comfort zone thing for one! Oh how I used to fight change! I would dig in my heels and insist my (now ex) husband not move the furniture, ever! Ha-ha!
I see confidence as something intangible yet entirely apparent upon seeing or speaking with a person. They needn’t be glamorous or exceptionally beautiful or handsome or whatever. They don’t have to be talented or articulate or elegant at all. Confidence is just that little something, that twinkle in the eye, that tells you they are a-okay! My perfect example of this would be Bill Clinton. There is a guy with confidence. I wouldn’t call him particularly good looking (but perhaps my taste is a bit odd). He’s not the most elegant or dashing of a fellow. Yet he has something that makes you want to listen to him when he speaks and a natural way with how he connects to people. I’ve heard many stories of people having a conversation with him at a party or other crowded place and they all say that he made them feel as though it was just the two of them having private chat.
I think of Sophia Loren and just how she carries herself (I love that she claims her youthfulness and longevity are due to a lifetime of eating spaghetti). There is an ease with which the confident person walks through the world and interacts with it. I’m not talking arrogance here at all! I’m talking about how people can be so comfortable in their own skin that when you talk to them, or know them, it’s never really about them, they can set all of that aside and focus on you.
What does confidence feel like? Well, that’s a bit difficult to describe, but I would say that it feels relaxed. There is a tension that disappears, though not permanently, and a greater sense of being present. I often talk of being present and living in the moment, but I don’t mean that we should all be impulsive and run amok. Hardly! I am speaking more of mindfulness and being more attuned to your own immediate feelings and needs. How else can we help and serve others if we are distracted by our own lack of something?
Let’s all agree that perfection is a myth and stop using it to refer to people or their looks. Can we agree to that? It’s all relative anyway, right? Perfection to some is a big hot mess to others, so let’s just set all of that aside and move on. Confidence looks like everything and nothing at once. Confidence looks like that girl who has that sort of messy hairdo yet always somehow looks pulled together. Ha! Confidence looks like a quick stumble, but no fall, and being more than happy to laugh at yourself.
So here’s what I always wanted to know…”How do I get some of that STUFF?!?!?”
The short answer: With practice! Ha-ha! But it’s true! You can actually fake it until you “make” it in this case. Which is awesome. Part of faking it is just little mental tricks and games, right? So have fun with it! Actually, having fun is really the key for me when it comes to this topic. Because I know when I’m having fun I’m not worried about the bajillion things spinning around in my head. Often when I’m not feeling my best I will try to remember the last time I had some real fun and I try to keep that memory/feeling with me so I can power through my day.
What’s that? You don’t like the whole fake it until you make it thing? Um, okay. Well…
Think of your favorite quality or attribute about yourself. If you can look at it or touch it, do so and smile. Now think of the one thing you dislike or would change about yourself. If you can look at it and touch it do so, but also say something super nice to that part of you. If you can’t manage a compliment, try something neutral like, “Belly, I wish you a long and healthy life without pain.” simple enough. Do this often! Do this for other parts of you. Do this for your thighs and your temper and your arms and your butt!
If that seems super hard, you can go about this in a different way. Every time you say something nice to someone else, you must also say the same or similar things to yourself. We say a lot of mean stuff to ourselves and that shit counts, even if it’s only in your head. We must stop the self hate speech, internal or external, now!!! It’s toxic and you are actually hurting yourself. I’m not at all saying that you have to be so happy that frolicking is now a major part of your lifestyle (My body, My choices! Ha-ha!), but I am saying that being gentle and kind to yourself is so important and you will feel better…with practice!
Confidence is no overnight thing. There’s no cream or audio tape or hack for it. These aren’t the only ways to attain confidence, but it’s what has worked for me. I’m not the most confident girl in the world, but I do consider myself confident overall. I still have anxiety and moments of wanting to hide, but I work hard to not let them get out of control or rule my life. I must stay mindful of how I’m feeling in a given moment and honor that and care for myself as best I can in order to stay confident and push myself out of my comfort zone when it fancies me.
I would say that the biggest aspect of gaining more confidence for me is simply choosing to stop caring about what other people think of me. I don’t have to be liked by everyone. They didn’t hire me at my new job because they wanted to be my bff. I have talents and abilities and a shiny personality and that is what they wanted. When I chose to let go of that worry, that weight and that burden, that caring so much about what others thought of me, I felt freer and happier, period. That part, I think, anyone can do. No purchase necessary! 😉
Everyone is different, though, and I’m so glad for that. So some of this may seem like old hat to you but a revelation to someone else. If you know that looking in the full length mirror or taking an outfit picture before you go out is triggering for you, stop doing it! If, on the other hand, those things give you a little boost? Do them often! The mirror and photos are tricky things. They can hurt and help. You have control over them, though. Never forget that! And please, never forget that you have a voice and a story and you deserve to be heard. Ditching the people in your life who bring you down is a very hard and very necessary thing (in my opinion). I know it’s not so easy or possible for everyone,  but I can attest to the goodness that my life has produced as a result of letting go of other people’s baggage.
Stay true to you and rock on with your bad self! 😉
Rad Fatty Love to ALL!!!
<3
S
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