I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Two Sides


I love Facebook. Well, I love using it most of the time, anyway. I can stay in touch and connect with folks I simply can’t ever see in person (it’s a big world we live in). I have fb friends all over the world and how great to live in the here and now and just instant message or video chat them whenever I want. So cool! I use it for personal stuff, my blog stuff and activism stuff. What has been a bit of a surprise is how those groups overlap, but also, how people behave online versus in real life.

When a friend tells me to my face that they love and accept their body, that they want to live a better life for themselves, it makes me happy. They get it! They get what I’m all about and the work that I do, too. But when someone I consider myself close to says one thing to my face but then goes on fb and “likes” a bunch of unhealthy diet and weight loss pages it hurts. Why did they lie to me? Why would they say they want to be healthy but then “like” things that represent the exact opposite?
I think part of having my identity tied to my body size is that people believe that I am not only invested in my own body acceptance and longevity, but that somehow I’m also greatly invested in theirs. I’m not, though. I mean, if you’re my friend, of course I want you to be happy and healthy. End of story. My whole point as an activist is based in body autonomy! The very idea of which is that it is your body and your choice. But don’t fucking lie about it! Don’t say one thing to my face and then go on Facebook and share all of your toxic bullshit for all to see. *Barfs*
If dieting and weight loss is your choice, then it is your choice. I cannot save you from yourself or society at large if you don’t want that. I will not be quiet about the dangers and risks and lies involved in those choices if they are brought up to or in front of me. I can’t sit idly by as you insist something is a “miracle” or whatever. Ugh! No. I can’t. And I won’t! I refuse to watch people destroy themselves with drugs or alcohol or other dangerous behaviors. It doesn’t mean we can’t be friends, but if you’re going to be so two-faced about this stuff, at least have the decency to change your privacy settings so that every “Like” and comment isn’t also showing up in my feed (yes, I have since changed mine as well).
The holiday season will soon be upon us and with that all of the utter bullshit that goes along with it. Food guilt and policing, body comments and policing, shaming and blaming, bullying (even if it’s your aunt, it’s bullying!) and worse. I refuse to allow that shit into my life and my home. You can make your own choices, but this is mine and I must do all I can to protect myself from the awful crap that’s out in the world.
I see the hypocrisy in it all. It’s cyclical. Come the end of December it will be all resolutions and work out talk. Burning fat and sweating off the calories. What they don’t tell you, because they would go bankrupt if they did, is that their “science” or whatever claims they make are ALL LIES!!! You’re better off reading some tantalizing fiction and waiting for some shiny savior to whisk you away to fairyland! Seriously? Your chances are better in fairyland (when do we leave? 😉 ).
Please, don’t be rude, though. Don’t lie and then lie again in an attempt to cover it. Don’t be that person. It IS a choice. It always is. No one is forcing you to lie. I would have much more respect for someone if they simply said it’s their choice and they’d rather not hear my thoughts on the subject. I can handle that and I would let it go and just enjoy their company. But the lies must end or the friendship will, got it? Thanks.
I know that my love and loyalty to my friends is often seen as “too much” but it’s what keeps me going. Some folks have family, I have my chosen family. I have worked hard to develop those relationships and I have reaped the benefits of that work. I love with my whole self and yeah, I hurt with my whole self, too. I’m an all or nothing gal. I have tried to be the peacekeeper, walked the politically correct line, but in the end I am only me and I can only do what I can do.
So, see me, but be real. Be true to you. The weight of the lies you tell today must be carried with you always. I have chosen a different way of life for myself, isn’t that why you wanted to be my friend to begin with? Sometimes I think I have to show or teach people what a friendship can be or look like. It’s hard as hell, though. I can only take so much. I draw the line at lies. I have been my most authentic self, but perhaps that was too much to take in if you’d never seen it before.
I guess that I forget sometimes that most of the world is comfortable with the lies our society deals in. And here I am, coming from a long line of rebels, waltzing in and saying’ “How do ya do!” with too much enthusiasm. My heart on my sleeve, but my eyes always absorbing the truth. I won’t burn this bridge, but there will be a temporary closure, as you have seen fit to hide your true self from me and maybe even you, too. I can still love you, but I can’t take the childish games anymore. I never played them to begin with. I wish you well, I wish you much love and success in your life. I hope you can find the true value and beauty inside of you one day. *Hugs*
I can’t fix anyone but me. I can only heal myself and work on my own baggage. I’m always available for listening and advice. But please respect my time and my choices. When you want more than just a sugar-coating cheerleader as a friend, do hit me up. I never was that girl, anyway, even if that’s what you wanted me to be. Perhaps it just wasn’t the right time or we simply weren’t meant to be friends for long. We’re all different and so are our needs. I hope you find what it is that you need in your life.
The Claddagh stands for Friendship (hands), Loyalty (the crown) and Love (the heart).
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2 Comments to

“Two Sides”

  1. On November 4th, 2013 at 5:28 pm Alena Says:

    Maybe your fb friend liked something because they were giving acknowledgment to another friend? Or maybe they also want to acknowledge other friends on their list who feel differently about dieting/self-image than you. For example, you like almost everything I post and it makes me feel loved and noticed! So maybe that was their intention too? I also think that some people commiserate about their bodies because it’s a form of bonding (esp for females). While the methods may be self-defeating, if it leads to fulfilling friendships, live and let live.

    Well you know me, I don’t believe there is a such thing as a fixed permanent self, an authentic self. To me the self is always evolving, and we can all be contradictory at times as we hack a path through our mental jungle. It may seem like lying or hypocrisy. But then “fake it to you make it” would be lie too. Yet, I regard this as a positive strategy to help a person get to where they want to be.

    Obviously, I don’t know the context, but that’s my food for thought today 🙂
    Zen, yum.

    PS awwww…kittens.

  2. On November 5th, 2013 at 9:26 am Not Blue at All Says:

    Alena: I do “Like” your posts most of the time as it is, but I also “like” them to encourage you to post more.
    As for my fb friend? I only wish that could be true! Sadly, I know that isn’t the case with this one. I know that secretly they hate themselves and their body and blame most of their problems on it. 🙁
    And I also don’t believe that there is a fixed or permanent self, but I do believe that there is a core to ourselves that can steer us in the right direction (individually) that we must stay true to. Only you know what is best for you.

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