Starting next week I want to get back into posting, but with a focus on sharing stories and building community! Each day will have a theme, but there are no strict guidelines, so feel free to submit!

Mull it Over Monday

Issues! What’s on your mind? What pisses you off? A new take on an old issue? This could be political, personal, social, body related, you name it!

Tank Top Tuesday

It’s Tuesday and the weather is warming up! I am always looking for submissions from anyone who wants to exercise their right to Bare Arms for Tank Top Tuesday posts! keep ‘em comin’ and keep baring those arms!

Do you have something to say about fat acceptance/fat liberation? Have you been wanting to start a blog but afraid to take the plunge? Consider guest posting at NotBlueAtAll.com! We all have a story to tell. Share yours! Or maybe you’re great at reviews or have an independent business you think my rad fatty readers would enjoy…let me know!

For submissions:
Please include the name you’d like used for the post (I will often thank the poster or comment about the story at the bottom of a submitted post). You’re welcome to include something you’d like to plug like an etsy shop, event or other such things. Posts submitted by individuals are always free, but businesses will be charged a fee based on the type of post they’d like to submit. Please also consider submitting a photo of yourself, even if the post isn’t about you specifically. People love to see pics of other awesome people, simple as that! For outfit pics, please include sizing for reference as well as links or retailers where readers may procure their own goodies to shop your style!

We love newbies to fat community as well as tried and true rad fatties. This blog is a safe space for folks to share their stories, celebrate themselves and their journies, and connect with one another. This is an open minded and respectful environment where we may disagree but are never mean to one another. Please refrain from any negative body talk, diet talk/discussions, or any negative judgements. Have fun and Enjoy!

Rad Fatty Love,
<3
S

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (body positive always, funny sometimes):
http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS  Or get the same “shared” content on twitter: @NotBlueAtAll
I also have an Instagram, I rarely use it but would like to more…encourage me to?:
https://instagram.com/notblueatall/
And as always, feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers:
notblueatall@notblueatall.com
If you would like to give money to support this blog via paypal, you may do so here: http://bit.ly/1P2cZgO

I would like to thank those who reached out to offer their support. You have truly touched and humbled me. Thank you!!! <3
Asking for that support was one of the hardest things I’ve done as of late. While nowhere near my goal, the little I did receive helped and I was able to borrow the rest in time to make my rent! It was really down to the wire and with my monthly hormonal surge along with mercury in retrograde and all of the stresses that my life has provided lately, let’s just say I spent all but three hours on Sunday crying.

Awhile back Stephen Colbert was talking about his Irish heritage and he shared a saying his mother had always said, “What’s the use in being Irish if you don’t know that life is gonna break your heart.” it rang true for me in a way I couldn’t articulate, but it has stuck with me and it’s meaning has evolved since. Yeah, I am also descended from some heavy Irish heritage. Ha! Not to appropriate, but I see it as a yin-yang sort of thing. There’s a drop of sorrow in every bit of joy you have and a tiny glimmer of light in even the deepest depths of despair. I just can’t always see those tiny spots when in the thick of things, ya know?

My friends, though! My friends are everything! It’s hard to care for folks in a meaningful way when they’re going through tough times and you can’t influence or control things to help them. It’s hard! People stop messaging you, stop calling and texting. No one knows what to say except asking about job stuff (seriously we are All so much more than what we do to earn a living!) Soon no one invites you to things. Next thing you know you’re more isolated than ever and carrying all the shame about it, too. My very nearest and dearest (My Boys, if you will) always make the effort, even when they’re not sure how or if it’s the right thing/timing. They try and really that’s all that matters to me. It’s the ones who pop up out of the blue to invite you to something absurdly expensive or to donate to some run/walk/etc when they’ve been absent in your life for ages. It hurts, it’s insulting and if I’m being absolutely honest, those are the ones that need to be cut out entirely. Like, c’mon, if you cannot be bothered to even know that I’ve been out of work for a YEAR maybe just fuck right the hell off! Harsh? Perhaps, but I also think it’s necessary.

Things are looking up, though! I had an interview today that was so great I’m meeting with the CEO tomorrow! It’s only part time to start but come August/September it would go full time with full benefits! Woot! So…FINGERS CROSSED!!! It feels right and they really like me! They said I was just what they needed and a perfect fit for their small company and it feels good to hear that, ya know? I’m doing my best to look on the bright side and all of that. Tigress and I are rehearsing for the big moves dance show once again (this is our fourth year!) and that has been great! We’re really stoked about our costumes! Very exciting! And it’s nice to have something to look forward to again even though I always freak out right before! Ha!

I’d love to start writing about fat stuff again. International No Diet Day is coming up May 6th! What are you doing to celebrate? I’d love to hear about all of the rad fatty stuff happening and even participate if possible! I’ll keep y’all updated when I have some news. Thank you all so much for your words of encouragement, kindness and generosity.

Rad Fatty Love,
<3
S

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (body positive always, funny sometimes):
http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS  Or get the same “shared” content on twitter: @NotBlueAtAll
I also have an Instagram, I rarely use it but would like to more…encourage me to?:
https://instagram.com/notblueatall/
And as always, feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers:
notblueatall@notblueatall.com
If you would like to give money to support this blog via paypal, you may do so here: http://bit.ly/1P2cZgO

I can’t say that I’ve reached rock bottom because I have actually been there before and this isn’t it, but I always had a safety net and this time I do not. I don’t have family to turn to. This time it feels so much worse. This time it feels like my own fault, though I know better. This time I don’t have the excuse of youth and naivety to lean on or seek shelter from. This time no one will give me a chance, so how can there be a fresh start?!

I just received news of rejection on my absolute last ray of hope. I’m now sitting here crying hysterically and thinking very seriously about selling an organ (How does one begin that process? Can it be done in two weeks time?). No one has anything for me but words of encouragement, but I am so close to the end of my rope here and there is nothing left for me to hold onto. I am terrified. I am stressed to the max. I am financially ruined. I don’t know for how long I will have a place to live. The shit has hit the fan!

I started to sell off my cherished dress collection on Friday. I thought there would be such demand! I listed high quality items with the tags still attached at pretty incredible prices. My technology was fighting me tooth and nail but I finally got the first batch up and…only sold 3 items over the weekend. My dresses may not mean much to most and may seem like a frivolous thing but they gave me a new outlook on myself and my life. They represent who I was, how much I’ve grown and what my future should look like. But now? It’s dead. I looked at my thinning closet on Saturday and it shocked me in a way I didn’t expect. It felt like a punch to the gut.

I have spent the last 18 months desperately searching for a job.
I have been out of work for the last 11.5 months.
I have had no income for the last 2.5 months.
I have no savings left.
I am down to one meal a day (plus coffee and juice).
I fear leaving the house because one ticket, one accident, one injury, one misunderstanding could take what little I have left away.
My puggo needs medicine for his ears (another ear infection). I haven’t been able to buy him flea and tick stuff in months!

I had one last ray of hope for a job that I’d had two interviews with and wanted and was told to expect a call for a third. Today I found out that this will not happen. Due to some shady shit happening with the head of HR, I won’t be getting that job. I have been crying non-stop ever since.

My bf is so encouraging and really believes in me. He insists everyday that something will come through in the nick of time. That time has run out. Even if I started a job today I wouldn’t have a pay check in time for rent.

Being out of work this long has fucked with my head so hard! No one understands! They think they do, they are all so well intentioned. People can’t talk to me without saying something condescending or dripping with pity. I fucking hate it! The endless unsolicited advice is the worst! There is nothing I haven’t applied for! Getting told over and over again that I am over qualified for shit is not helping! How can a high school dropout being over qualified?!?!??!?!?!

If hard work was all it took then I’d be running for president and Trump would be sitting here crying and considering selling his organs! I have worked so fucking hard my entire life and it’s gotten me nowhere! We’re only as valuable as our last hit, so to speak, and all anyone cares about is your current job. Everyone says I’ve done nothing wrong. I want to believe them. I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong. I don’t feel that I deserve this struggle, but life isn’t about deserving anything. In the end it doesn’t matter how good of a person you are, shit just happens. And I seem to be a shit magnet.

I am out of options and that is really fucking hard to accept! I have applied for every job I could possibly and/or physically do! This isn’t even about pride or career choices or paths anymore. Twenty plus years of experience isn’t worth a damn. I don’t want sympathy. I definitely do not want pity. I need a fucking job! I need a chance! I need stability! I really don’t know how much longer this can continue. Something’s gotta give!

All I have ever wanted was to live a life on my own terms, make my own choices and decide what is best for me. How the fuck did I get where I am now? What was it all for? All that hard work, all that time and energy…was it all for not? *Sobs*

Rad Fatty Love,
<3
S

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (body positive always, funny sometimes):
http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS  Or get the same “shared” content on twitter: @NotBlueAtAll
I also have an Instagram, I rarely use it but would like to more…encourage me to?:
https://instagram.com/notblueatall/
And as always, feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers:
notblueatall@notblueatall.com
If you would like to give money to support this blog via paypal, you may do so here: http://bit.ly/1P2cZgO

When I began my journey towards self acceptance and self esteem, the term body positivity was not something I’d heard before. In fact, when I first heard of a movement in this realm at all it was called Fat Acceptance (Wiki: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fat_acceptance_movement). Something about those two words together felt radical and oh so right. Fat acceptance for me means to not only accept my own glorious fat body, but to further the idea that fat people should be treated equally, like any other human person. It is a movement based on autonomy. Plain and simple. Yet in recent years I have seen it taken over entirely (it seems) by “body positivity” and touted and the “It” thing to be and to use as a platform to tell people how they should live their lives and feel about themselves.

I’ve seen countless celebrities and fashion/style/brand bloggers use body positivity as a way to approach the same topics that have been discussed in fat acceptance for decades, but now on mainstream and social media. This isn’t necessarily a negative thing, but I do think it’s a huge compromise. Fat acceptance is self explanatory, IMO. Body positivity is more, I dunno, hands across america feeling. It looks alright on paper but it just doesn’t do anything but provide lip service and assign faux-authority to anyone with a glimmer of spotlight or a virtual soapbox on which to speak. Fat acceptance doesn’t have a leader or spokesperson. Body positivity has far too many.

It forgets the fatties! Seriously! Body positivity sounds all-inclusive, “Have a body? Come on in!” but that’s not the reality of it. The moment you use the word fat as a self-assigned identifier, you get a thousand comments of “You have fat, you are not fat.” but No actually I AM FAT AND FUCK YOU! I feel it erases identities that were hard fought and won in a lot of ways. It waters down the struggle fat people face in their everyday lives. Yes, all bodies should be treated equally, but they should also have absolute autonomy over their bodies. Body positivity lends itself oh-too easily to the “good fatty” archetype.

Fat acceptance has room for everyone, because fat can be intersectional with just about anything. Body positivity almost forces the idea that bodies should always been seen in a positive light. But what if you’re not wanting to love your body right now? What if you aren’t on the whole love yourself always trolley? What if you have a broken or sick body? Body positivity doesn’t represent what my fat body must go through in order to get proper healthcare and medical treatment. For me that is a major sticking point. It’s not just about all bodies, but it is about fat people in fat bodies being discriminated against in just about every aspect of their lives.

Yes, body positivity sounds like it includes everyone, but it just doesn’t. It seems more and more obvious each day (at least to me) that it really only includes smaller fats, average and below average sized folks, and typically younger than age 30. We get it! Millennials have things to say, too. Everyone has an opinion on the internet, obviously myself included, but it is becoming the norm for opinions to overtake history and facts and this is a dangerous thing! Fat acceptance has a history based in feminism and the LGBTQ* community and equal rights. Many have laid their lives on the line for the equal treatment of fat bodies.

Body positivity has room for fat people, but only up to a certain point. It’s mostly unspoken, but it definitely feels to me that body positive spaces do not want anyone over a size 24 to be included. And heaven forbid you point out that your size limits your access to everyday things like clothing, transportation and jobs! None of that sounds positive! But that is the truth. It is my truth. It is still perfectly legal to discriminate against fat bodies (in all but one state, Michigan, and two counties in California). It is no coincidence that it is harder to get a job in a fat body, let alone get equal pay and/or recognition for our work.

While progress towards equality has been made, the pace of that progress leaves many hopeless and impatient. I understand the attraction of body positivity as I have also in the past code switched to encompass and invite “all” but I no longer feel that broader intention to be honest. While I do think intentions matter, they don’t do a whole lot to help actual people. Body positivity feels a lot like the fat kid trying to fit in. And we all know that as long as you’re “trying” you can be seen as “the good fatty” and thus accepted on a contingent basis.

FUCK THAT! My fat body isn’t “trying” to fit into anything! My fat body doesn’t owe anyone a damned thing! Fat acceptance is about everyone doing whatever the hell they want without asking for opinions or permissions! It excludes no one because anyone can be for fat acceptance, regardless of size or shape. There is no attitude requirement, no need for proof of your worthiness, no affirmations or instagram challenges to deem you more of a fatty or body haver. Nope! Fat acceptance is a come as you are movement. It may be more known for specific acts of radical activism, but that isn’t something expected of anyone. There is no “good” or “bad” fatty and there is no right or wrong way to live in a fat body. Fat people have always existed and they always will.

Follow the money! Before you take anyone saying anything seriously, follow the money trail. (This blog is entirely self funded and receives no money from sponsors or other entities. You are welcome to donate to the operational costs it incurs annually, but no profits or gains have ever been made here.) Who benefits from this message? Who paid for this? Who’s sponsoring it? It’s hard to take anything to heart these days when the American Medical Association is funded by the Beef and Dairy Council (two things that are supposed to be killing us, right?). Everyone would rather point the giant cultural finger of blame on something, but no one is willing to simply accept people as they are. And to me that is what it’s all about…acceptance. Until fat people are treated equally, there is only so much that body positivity can do.

Rad Fatty Love,
<3
S

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (body positive always, funny sometimes):
http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS  Or get the same “shared” content on twitter: @NotBlueAtAll
I also have an Instagram, I rarely use it but would like to more…encourage me to?:
https://instagram.com/notblueatall/
And as always, feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers:
notblueatall@notblueatall.com
If you would like to give money to support this blog via paypal, you may do so here: http://bit.ly/1P2cZgO

Living with mental or chronic illness is a constant challenge and learning experience. As time goes on we change, we age, our bodies and minds shift in ways we could never have foreseen or prepared for. We freak out about these changes in different ways and we come to accept these newer versions of ourselves, eventually, or we end up continuing to fight to keep what once was. It’s exhausting! The past shapes us, but it is up to us, individually, to process and manage that past in our own ways or forever be held hostage by it. I have been there many times and fight my way through to the present every time. It’s always worth the fight, though the fight feels different every time.

I have PTSD, anxiety and depression. I can’t always control how these affect me on a day to day basis. I’ve never had therapy (never had access, to be honest) and I’ve never tried medication. What I have tried is everything I possibly can do on my own and have learned and seen the results of my self work over the years. To the extent that I’ve had more than one year in a row where my symptoms were almost non-existent. Making peace with the fact that I will always live with these and that they can always pop up or come back when you least expect it has been one of the hardest lessons to learn. I have found that some things work to keep myself going or to help get myself out of my own head or focused on my troubles. Today I offer what I’ve found helps or what I wish others could do or know to better understand and allow more room for compassion and improved communication on both sides.

Schedules and structure in the day: This helps me a lot more than I care to admit, even to myself. When I’m working it’s a no-brainer. I get up and get ready and go to work where I have scheduled breaks and such. When I’m not working I become my own worst enemy. Without those external cues to eat and drink and take breaks I fall back into destructive patterns, specifically with my anorexia. My sleep pattern becomes erratic and my eating habits too. Talk about changes though, my anxiety is now at it’s worst every time I go grocery shopping. I wasn’t sure why until a friend suggested it ties into my last job and how horrific those experiences were having to shop at Whole Foods as a big fat fatty. LOL! I have gotten better about what I buy and consume, though. In my last place I rarely if ever cooked and didn’t enjoy the experience; whereas now I’m finding solace and an almost meditative experience in preparing and cooking my own meals.

Having a quick list, like on my phone or a tiny whiteboard I’ve dedicated to reminding myself of vital things I need to live. When I feel a panic coming on (when I’m lucky enough to feel/see what’s coming, that is) I have a quick list of things that can help me in the moment. It looks like this: Hydrate? Hungry? Tired? Stretch/Power Poses? Caffeine? Tactile? (That one is more about doing something to get me more connected to my body like crunching a carrot or petting my puggo.) Change of venue? (I find when I’m out in public and feeling overwhelmed for whatever reason that simply changing the venue as soon as possible can often prevent a full panic from occurring.) I have friends who also have an anxiety kit or something they keep with them or stash at work or in their car. Whatever it is that you need or might help in the moment, find a way to set yourself up for the best outcomes when you can.

Of course my nearest and dearest know about my issues, and love me just the same, but there are many times where I have felt rejected or left out simply because I wasn’t invited or included in something. Often those same people have very good reasons, like they know I would hate it or it might be too expensive. I gotta say though, while I understand most of the time, it’s still nice to be asked or invited to things. Like, okay, I’m a grown-ass woman and I can decide for myself what I’d like or want to do. So please, keep inviting me to stuff BUT please also don’t take it personally if I do decline, it usually has nothing to do with who is doing the inviting and more to do with how I’m feeling or what I’m dealing with personally. I remember having a full social calendar for a couple of years, but as life events have spun me for a loop, so too have the invites decreased overall and the contact with people I considered near and dear has been (so much) less frequent. That’s a hard one to handle, even still, but people are people and relationships change over time, too.

When friends do get in touch, what often is most difficult for me is what is a routine social norm for them. Specifically, “How are you?” Oooooh that’s a loaded one! Please do not ask folks with chronic illnesses this question. Most often the asker actually doesn’t want to know the truth or it’s said dripping with pity or condescension. Don’t do that! Note your tone but better yet talk about interests and news! Seriously, unless you want me to go back into my head’s hamster wheel of misery and pain and share all of that with you just don’t ask. And if you don’t wanna know, don’t fucking ask! It’s totally okay. Or ask about something specific, “How is your knee injury? I bet you can’t wait to get dancing again. I would like to offer my assistance if there’s anything you’ve been putting off because of your injury.” That is like the best thing! Or offering to accompany me to something I wanna do but would be far too anxious to go to on my own! Yeah…that!

“How are you?” is right up there with, “What do you do?” as in for a job/money earning thing. UGH! Can we let that shit die already?! Instead ask if they have any current obsessions/interests/projects/hobbies. I’d much rather talk about those and most folks would agree. No one wants to hear about my not working for the last 9 months and often feel obligated to offer advice and suggestions and tips or even fucking demands on what I “need to be doing” to get back to work. STOP! Don’t do that. Do not offer unsolicited advice to people, or at least ask first. Also, most people aren’t employed in a field that aligns with their passions. It’s a fallacy to think we’re all heading into our dream jobs everyday. That’s just not a reality. If it’s in a social setting, try sharing something about yourself to relate to others or get a conversation going. If it’s someone you know, share something you’re working on or through or want to do, maybe the other person can help or be excited for you.

Share your good news! Often folks think they shouldn’t share good news with those who are struggling. SHARE!!! Good news can lift others spirits, too, so don’t hold back…but maybe don’t be a dick about it? Like, okay, share your awesome news, but don’t follow it up with a “I’m sure you’ll get there one day” or other shit like that. Don’t! Just share the news, accept their reaction and move the fuck on. I might be happy as hell about your wedding/baby/promotion/whatever, but that doesn’t mean I want your input on whether or not I want those things in my life at all. People often say horrible things with the best of intentions, so be kind and patient, but think before you speak, too.

Having something to look forward to has helped me soooooooooooo much! When I am in my darkest moments it is often because I see nothingness in my future, or worse. Having something to look forward to gets me off of my mind’s terrible hamster wheel and into the blue skies and fluffy white clouds way of thinking…or dresses! Like, what will I wear to X event or whatever. That often cheers me up. Sometimes what I look forward to is simply seeing those I love and getting a chance to spend some time with them. It doesn’t have to be a big expensive affair. I usually prefer just hanging out, catching up, playing games (board, cards or video) or watching a movie and then discussing it after! So fun! Right now I’m looking forward to a wedding, a party, a photo shoot, a trip to the zoo and a hang out/brainstorming session with friends. All good things! But a month ago I had zero to look forward to and it was sucking my will to live!

It can be difficult to love people with mental or chronic illnesses, but what’s most important is letting them know how much they mean to  you. Telling them you love them, they matter, are important and valued can change their whole day or better! Check on those you care about. When they pop into your head because you saw a funny thing or cute animal, text them or email and let them know and have a chuckle together. I often find myself thinking of friends I love so deeply but I end up avoiding contact with them because I fear saying the wrong thing or scaring them off. Email is my preferred method of communication (I’m a wordy bitch!), and I want to get back into sending quick emails to those who come to my mind and heart in those moments. I also enjoy writing letters and silly stationary, it helps me feel more connected to the real world and there is nothing better than a handwritten letter or card in the mail when you only ever get bills!

I hope these help, I’m obviously no expert in anything, but I do find that they have helped me and some I’ve never expressed before so it feels good to share them here with you. I love people, as difficult as that can be when I have the illnesses that I do, but they lift me up so much! So thank you for being there and reading this and checking on me. It really helps! So please don’t stop! Drop me a line: notblueatall@notblueatall.com or leave comment with a thought or a struggle or whatever. Human connection is vital for my survival, helping others fuels me and gets me out of my head and feel less pressure and stress. So much happens in such small amounts of time that you just never know what others are dealing with. I hope we can all connect and share some love and compassion with our fellow humans during our short lifespans.

Rad Fatty Love,
<3
S

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (body positive always, funny sometimes):
http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS
I also have an Instagram, I rarely use it but would like to more…encourage me to?:
https://instagram.com/notblueatall/
And as always, feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers:
notblueatall@notblueatall.com
If you would like to give money to support this blog via paypal, you may do so here: http://bit.ly/1P2cZgO