I can’t say that I’ve reached rock bottom because I have actually been there before and this isn’t it, but I always had a safety net and this time I do not. I don’t have family to turn to. This time it feels so much worse. This time it feels like my own fault, though I know better. This time I don’t have the excuse of youth and naivety to lean on or seek shelter from. This time no one will give me a chance, so how can there be a fresh start?!

I just received news of rejection on my absolute last ray of hope. I’m now sitting here crying hysterically and thinking very seriously about selling an organ (How does one begin that process? Can it be done in two weeks time?). No one has anything for me but words of encouragement, but I am so close to the end of my rope here and there is nothing left for me to hold onto. I am terrified. I am stressed to the max. I am financially ruined. I don’t know for how long I will have a place to live. The shit has hit the fan!

I started to sell off my cherished dress collection on Friday. I thought there would be such demand! I listed high quality items with the tags still attached at pretty incredible prices. My technology was fighting me tooth and nail but I finally got the first batch up and…only sold 3 items over the weekend. My dresses may not mean much to most and may seem like a frivolous thing but they gave me a new outlook on myself and my life. They represent who I was, how much I’ve grown and what my future should look like. But now? It’s dead. I looked at my thinning closet on Saturday and it shocked me in a way I didn’t expect. It felt like a punch to the gut.

I have spent the last 18 months desperately searching for a job.
I have been out of work for the last 11.5 months.
I have had no income for the last 2.5 months.
I have no savings left.
I am down to one meal a day (plus coffee and juice).
I fear leaving the house because one ticket, one accident, one injury, one misunderstanding could take what little I have left away.
My puggo needs medicine for his ears (another ear infection). I haven’t been able to buy him flea and tick stuff in months!

I had one last ray of hope for a job that I’d had two interviews with and wanted and was told to expect a call for a third. Today I found out that this will not happen. Due to some shady shit happening with the head of HR, I won’t be getting that job. I have been crying non-stop ever since.

My bf is so encouraging and really believes in me. He insists everyday that something will come through in the nick of time. That time has run out. Even if I started a job today I wouldn’t have a pay check in time for rent.

Being out of work this long has fucked with my head so hard! No one understands! They think they do, they are all so well intentioned. People can’t talk to me without saying something condescending or dripping with pity. I fucking hate it! The endless unsolicited advice is the worst! There is nothing I haven’t applied for! Getting told over and over again that I am over qualified for shit is not helping! How can a high school dropout being over qualified?!?!??!?!?!

If hard work was all it took then I’d be running for president and Trump would be sitting here crying and considering selling his organs! I have worked so fucking hard my entire life and it’s gotten me nowhere! We’re only as valuable as our last hit, so to speak, and all anyone cares about is your current job. Everyone says I’ve done nothing wrong. I want to believe them. I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong. I don’t feel that I deserve this struggle, but life isn’t about deserving anything. In the end it doesn’t matter how good of a person you are, shit just happens. And I seem to be a shit magnet.

I am out of options and that is really fucking hard to accept! I have applied for every job I could possibly and/or physically do! This isn’t even about pride or career choices or paths anymore. Twenty plus years of experience isn’t worth a damn. I don’t want sympathy. I definitely do not want pity. I need a fucking job! I need a chance! I need stability! I really don’t know how much longer this can continue. Something’s gotta give!

All I have ever wanted was to live a life on my own terms, make my own choices and decide what is best for me. How the fuck did I get where I am now? What was it all for? All that hard work, all that time and energy…was it all for not? *Sobs*

Rad Fatty Love,
<3
S

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