So, I had a couple of glasses of wine the other night and just felt rad and so I finally got around to taking pics of my Eshakti.com order. I share with you a review of what I bought with pics of myself wearing them. And just to kick things off right, here’s a pic of my fave day-off outfit:

I said to my husband, “Holy crap! Is my chest always so red?!” He said, “No, but it’s like when your cheeks get flushed, so does your chest.” Thanks reality for putting me in check. *flips off reality*

I have bought a few pieces from Eshakti.com since first hearing about their radness from Lesley of Fatshionista/TwoWholeCakes fame. While they were/are all lovely, I just don’t wear them much and I can’t really figure out why. In fact the one dress I lusted after, bemoaned when they discontinued and then bought the second they brought it back, I haven’t even worn yet! Nuts! But I still adore their stuff, it’s all so unique and fabulous and the customizing? Yeah, where else can ya get that at an affordable price? NOWHERE!!!

When I received a gift certificate for Eshakti, well, I took my time and chose what I knew I would wear! Since this wasn’t my money anyway, I went with two things I always want but never buy: A dress & a skirt!

Here’s what I got:

Lace Version Link Here

Cotton (Cinnamon)Link Here
Skirt Link Here

The black dress I got was
actually a jersey knit-cotton.
The pic is the same, but in lace.

Here’s the pics of me in them:

And now for my review:

OMZ! I always choose the custom sizing option because I’m a death fatty and at the tiny price they charge for it it is so completley and utterly worth it! I don’t care what size you are, get the custom option! For real! I got to choose arm opening size, skirt length…you name it! That said, I received my items a few weeks ago and hadn’t even tried them on. I’m not crazy, just confident that they would be fabulous and fit right and I haven’t been feeling very camera ready lately, ya know? But I threw them on last night and instantly felt amazing in them. I have zero complaints. Well, I have one request: MORE Gift Certificates, please! Ha! That’s it though.

The dress is a thick cotton knit jersey, double layered, with puff sleeves (squee!), POCKET! (double squee!) and it falls right where I want it! (I think it was just below the knee on me). The neckline is slightly more modest than I’m used to, but no problem with that either. It just means I never have to worry about the boobages peaking out without warning. Some dresses they just do that. They’re very friendly apparently. Ha-ha!

The skirt! Oh this skirt! It comes in a few colors, but the purple just spoke to me. I could wear this skirt to almost anything and look fabulous and fit in without worry. From casual to formal, this skirt rocks my socks! I am still not used to wearing skirts, so I am unsure where I want it to sit, but it would depend on what top I pair it with, I think. So here’s the pics:

Since I never do fatshion posts anymore, here’s a Bonus pic of a B&Lu dress a great friend gave me over the weekend:

Now if I could just find the right purple tights…
Also, just won these on eBay and shall be pairing them with both of my eShakti items, WOOT!!!
Doc Martens “Ellen”

I waited a long time to see the film “Precious.” Not because I didn’t think it’d be good, but because I had just opened the cafe and was frankly too broke and tired to manage a trip to the theater. So yesterday, after seeing it in my Netflix que for far too long, I finally watched it. Wow! I was blown away and so many emotions washed over me (good and bad). I already loved Gabourey “Gabby” Sidibe from watching her various interviews and guest appearances on many TV shows (she is the greatest, y’all!). Her performance? Incredible and flawless. What truly did me in though was Mo’nique‘s performance. She earned that Oscar win, for real! I didn’t see Mo’nique on the screen at all. I saw a monster. I saw an abuser. I saw more than what was actually on-screen, too. (Trigger warning for abusive relationships and living through that and descriptions of it, too)

What I took away from the film was that no matter the year, the age, the gender of the abuser, they somehow all manage to use the same damned tactics. Could this be instinctual? A common mental disorder (as in common in abusers)? I don’t know the answer (if you do, please comment). I do know that watching Mo’nique play the role of the mother of “Precious Jones” was very difficult. I was angry, bitter but in the end mostly just sick. It reminded me so much of what I went through with an ex-boyfriend/abuser. Those mind games and violence. The feeling before unconsciousness when you wish you wouldn’t wake up at all because damn that would be so much better than waking up only to have to clean up after the mess the abuser made trying to hurt/kill you.

It brought me right back to the point where I began to fight back, I had no other option, I was trapped! That look of fear in his eyes when he realized I was far stronger than he ever gave me credit for. I saw that in Precious’ mom’s eyes, that fear. Then the realization that I could just as easily become an abuser through using the same bullshit tactics. Scary stuff. It just came flooding back to me and I had to breathe through it a lot. The burden of guilt and shame abuse survivors carry with them for many years if not forever. I recall a very long period of time where I didn’t talk about what I went through and pretty much refused to acknowledge it at all. When I did finally half-mention it no one (my friends anyway) was surprised and appeared to want to change the subject. I took this as a cue that I shouldn’t talk about it.

Then more recently (in the past year or so) I started to tell people. New friends mostly, but I blogged about it, too. Then one night while having dinner with my husband at Carrow’s (sorta like a Denny’s but with more variety) and he just asked flat-out what I went through. I described to him things I had forgotten. I explained for the first time what things felt like, but he had to ask what I felt emotionally because until then I had only described the physical pain. He asked more questions and when I was done I looked up at him and it felt like I’d come out of a trance. It was as though time had stopped while sitting there describing these terrible things. He just hugged me and thanked me for sharing it with him and asked if I needed anything. I didn’t. The weight of it had been lifted. I remembered more than I had wanted to or had ever before, but I felt better having done so, too.

Watching “Precious” and seeing someone reach out to her in a way that made her feel that there would be life outside of her horrifically abusive home…well, I was just floored! No one ever reached out to me. I don’t know how I would have reacted if they had. I can’t possibly know. Even when a friend saw me get beat up right in front of her (we had practically grown up together) she said nothing, even in private. Everyone who knew simply distanced themselves from the situation or disappeared all together. I can’t know for sure, but I often believe that things happen for a reason. I’m not at a point in my life yet that I can point to that reason, but it will come.

My point in writing this is that I simply want to offer myself up as the person who is reaching out to any and all abuse victims/survivors. I have zero degrees and have never had therapy myself, but I am a willing ear and shoulder and whatever else you need. You are not alone in the world or in your situation. Reach out and I will listen and help in any way I possibly can. Please do email me: notblueatall@notblueatall.com You can remain anonymous if you wish, I would never betray that and you can tell me anything. I won’t judge. Let me know how I can help! Please!

Thank you for reading.

<3
S

So, here’s a bit of an admission: I’ve been taping Oprah. It’s a bit of a guilty pleasure, a bit of wanting to see what she does during her last season and also wanting to know what millions of people are watching every weekday. I don’t watch all of the episodes. In fact I delete most. But I try to watch 2 episodes a week.

Yesterday I watched the episode called, “30 Year Old Virgin”. I was interested in what these two ladies had to say and to understand the motivation behind not wanting to have sex. It seemed apparent to me that both ladies knew exactly why they didn’t want to have sex. But I also appreciated seeing Dr. Laura Berman counsel them and start them on a hopefully healing journey.

But then there was this part where they take Carmen to Marie Claire’s offices for a mini-makeover. Carmen visits Ashely Falcon, author of the column “Big Girl in a Skinny World” and what killed me was that the first thing she said to Carmen after hearing about her daily struggle to get dressed was, “I am not the size I want to be right now, I’m not, it’s that simple. But you know what, I still need to get up in the morning, I still need to go to work and I refuse to be in a garbage bag.” Really? A garbage bag? Wow!

I don’t know why this surprised me. But it did, y’all! It truly did! Am I so disconnected from outside the FA world that I have a hard time hearing this stuff? Ugh! I guess I just felt that a huge opportunity was missed here. I didn’t feel at all that they tried to show Carmen a world without self-hate. Lots of us in the FA community have PCOS and I’m sure many have fallen into the spiral that Carmen did. But damn! 10 years of hating yourself so much that you would just rather stay in bed? It makes my heart hurt for her. She gave up on herself and life! I know ladies with PCOS who are sexy as hell, have lots of or steady men in their lives and I just fucking admire them! It’s not an easy life (for anyone, right?), but to just give up? Because you’re fat? Dear Maude, please help us all!

I wanted to reach into the television (yes, it was recorded so even if that was possible it would be for naught) and hug Carmen and tell her that she is worthy of love and life and joy and pleasure! I didn’t really feel that they did that. They told her she was beautiful (Ugh! Why is that always the first thing they say when someone asks for help?) and referred her to a psychiatrist and nutritionist and endocrinologist, but damn! I would have showed her the LiveJournal Fatshionista Community! It IS a revelation! And honestly? I’d want to meet each of her friends and demand to know what the hell, ya know? Why didn’t they make her feel worthy and loved enough to get the hell out of bed?

People don’t always ask for help. Many are very good at hiding their inner struggles. But this girl spent so much time in bed! WTF?!

If I could talk to Carmen right now I would say, “Carmen, you are an amazing person. There is an entire world out there just waiting for your impact! We are all waiting for your input and sparkle. We need you to participate in this world. Forget about men and sex for a minute and ask yourself why it is that you think it’s so terrible to be the size that you are right now? Because there is nothing you can’t do right now. There is nothing that will magically change with the size of your body. You deserve all of the magic and wonder the universe has to offer you. You just have to reach out and grab it!”

I know I have fallen victim to my own depression, but I would be dead without my friends. No lie! They have verbally and physically and emotionally saved me. Sometimes it took some tough love and other times some tenderness. But that is what friends are for!!!

If you need to talk to someone without judgment, email me! notblueatall@notblueatall.com I will listen and I will love. Please, reach out!

Saturday evening I attended West Valley Light Opera’s production of  Irving Berlin’s “White Christmas” in Saratoga, CA. You see, my ridiculously talented (but modest) BFF Jery TheActorvist was co-starring and we’d been hearing about the rehearsals and cast for weeks. I was dying to see it! So we went, opening night, and pretty much got our socks blown right the hell off! For reals, you guys? It was incredible! I’ve never seen the film in it’s entirety and I’m no fan of the Christmas (x-mas or otherwise), but I have to say? I was fucking moved! Yeah, that doesn’t happen often. Jery plays “Phil” or the Danny Kaye character depending on your knowledge of the film/show. Holy wow! I already considered myself his biggest fan (pun intended), but now? Now I think I wanna start and be president of his fan club!

After the show was a champagne reception and we all stood outside waiting (me positively glowing with excitement) for Jery to come out as the rest of the cast did to meet and greet their audience and adoring fans. Outside with us were the many several friends that had come just to see J in the spotlight. We’re talking 18 people that I was aware of. Yeah, fans!!! Somehow our friend Tom had no idea that Jery could tap dance. I was surprised since I knew J loved this style of dance possibly most of all. When J finally reached us, he gave us all great big emotion-filled hugs. He had worked so damned hard to do what he did for us that opening night. I don’t know how many realized that, but I had my sharpie in-hand for him to sign my program (it’s a tradition for me).

Since I had thrifted a fabulous dress earlier in the week I had been dying to wear it. It’s a 100% cotton (and soft!) blue/grey/black/white plaid dress by Converse from Target that I got at Goodwill, with tags, for $6! Yeah, crazy! And for me the strangest bit was that it was a size 3 when I’d never normally even try on a smaller size in the store. But hey, it fit and looked cute so I wore it! I paired it with black opaque tights (Torrid footless), my classic pearls and my Avenue Jalisa boots! And I was actually wearing make up, too! Ha!

Thank you Jery for dazzling us with your amazing abilities, skills and talent! May you remain humble even while the light of the world is shining upon you…and soon, it shall, I just know! <3

**To buy your tickets (because you totally wanna see this now) Go here: http://wvlo.org/ to see the dates.

To purchase online, Click This

By phone Call: 1-800-838-3006

It’s Friday, I’m in a great mood and well, just thought I’d give ya a nice fluffy post to encourage you to indulge yourself while saving a pretty penny at the same time. I am in no way affiliated or being paid to endorse the following products/companies, I just think they rock!

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