I’m sitting here in my cafe, waiting, nervously so, for the band-dudes to show.

Being in a band has been a dream of mine since I was 13.

Here I am, waiting and facing what could be the first step in the right direction to realizing my dream.

Yet I’m a bundle of nerves after I had decided not to be. I’d been through the nervy bit before. I’m done…or so I thought.

Ugh! I am terrible at physically waiting for this. Like waiting rooms and such. Yuck!

I feel wobbly-kneed and heady.

My inner critic is trying to get me to bail, but I won’t let that happen. Not this time!

Meeting strangers can be scary on it’s own, but having to sing for said strangers? Terrifiying!

I’ve never auditioned for anything, really. Just once and I lip-synced and danced, easy-peasy!

I’m not necessarily auditioning for this band thing, it’s my idea/design/space. But I feel like I am.

The one band-dude that I know is coming (the other has mysteriously not responded to emails all week) is very experienced and has been in many bands. He plays bass. And so I’m freaking out. I have to sing for/with this person. My ears are still a bit plugged, so I took a Benadryl, but not sure it will help/hurt. Hoping my voice will come out. Hoping I won’t start coughing or some other awful thing.

But the fat activist in me is screaming its head off, “Stand up! Head up! Smile! Be strong! Sing! OUT LOUD!”

And this both pleases & surprises me. That this fat activist voice in me is louder and clearer than that inner critic.

I’ve come a long way baby…

Have you heard of Roger Mooking? (or here)

I just discovered him during my stay on the couch the last few days. He’s is…I just think that he is amazing!

Okay, so I think he’s adorable as hell! What can I say? But seriously? He’s crazy-talented! He is a chef, has his own tv show, musically talented & accomplished and a husband & father to boot!Wow!

I ended up watching a lot of shows on the cooking channel and found his show and tonight? Tonight we’re making one of his recipes for dinner! Because, OMZ! It looked too good not to at least try to make it! He does make it look easy.

I wanted to post about him because I’d never heard of him before and hello?! Rad-fatty alert! I don’t know if he identifies as fat, but he exudes a gorgeous-fat-soul to me. He has that thing…Charisma! Yes! THAT! Oh man. And he’s Canadian! I’m hooked on his show, for sure! And that channel reminds me of what Food Network used to be and I miss that. *sigh*

Please, if you’re into cooking at all, give his show a shot! I know you won’t be disappointed. =0)

It’s Friday and while that’s usually my fave day of the week, I’m just not feeling well today. I don’t know what’s going on with me, I’ve tried both cold and allergy meds and neither have made a dent. I’m a true mess. But I’m alive and grateful as hell for that. =0)  So I thought I would share some interesting tidbits from the interwebz. Feel free to comment, discuss, etc. Hope you have a fabulous weekend.

Too many people feel let down because their life and looks aren’t ‘fabulous’ all the time. In Making Magic 2: On the Tyranny of Image, Rachel Hills says, “…One thing I believe quite firmly is that we’re sold a lie that through changing our appearance, we can change our lives. That if only we lost weight, had “better” hair, the “right” clothes, we’d be able to access that certain, indefinable magic we’re convinced the people who do have that aesthetic possess. I’ve been speaking with women who do have that magic – that capacity to make amazing things happen to them – and unsurprisingly, what I’ve found is that it isn’t about what you wear or how you look at all.”

Did you get a chance to read Lesley’s post about Public Health Programs? You totally should, it’s rad!

You simply must read this speech given by Andrea Zanin at The Floating World, a supercool (and absolutely massive) sex-positive annual weekend conference in New Jersey. “This is a talk about the lies we tell ourselves and the rest of the world. It’s a talk in which bullshit will be called, hierarchies challenged and strong statements made. It’s a talk about polyamory, and BDSM, and queerness, but above all, it is most definitely a talk about sex.”

Love Ryan Freitas‘ 35 lessons in 35 years!

A new approach for pan handlers, free credit cards? I truly enjoyed reading this.

And this weekend, I shall be making some pear gelato! I’m so excited! I bought these Bartlett pears at the store $2 for 3lbs and they’re a bit overripe. Perfect for gelato! I’ve only ever done sorbets, so I don’t know how this will turn out, but here’s the recipe.

You can ask me nearly any time of day or night what song I have in my head and I will most certainly sing or hum it for you. Last night while watching tv a commercial came on with a “Fascination” re-do and I was suddenly confused between three songs all at once. This is not unusual for me. I often hear songs within songs or just have a bunch playing at once in my head. Could this help my problem?

Have you been following the fatcasts? You totally should be! They are so fun and informative! And there’s a new one up today! Squee!

There are two other podcasts I’d like to give a shout out to:

Soulful Blend Radio: R U Real? I Am Plus! Thursdays if you happen to listen to last Thursday’s episode, you will hear yours truly sounding like a total valley girl. Oh well, it was a total blast! (Main page: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/soulfulblend)

And Golda Poretsky’s Body Love Wellness podcast! Be sure to stay up to date on her blog, too: http://www.bodylovewellness.com/

That’s it for today. What’s on your mind? What are your plans for the weekend? Tell me about it! =0)

I have just not been very posty lately. Sorry ’bout that. I have no excuse, really, just lack of inspiration.

I wanted to talk about our Inner Critic & My Fat Band. These things belong together for me, at the moment. I have long dreamed of starting a band. My first year of high school was a magical time for music (’91/’92). Yep, Grunge! At heart, I still feel 14 and flannel clad and all. *sigh* The good old days, as they say. I have wanted to be in almost every type of band. From L7-esque to Lush-like. I have wanted to be Joey Ramone as well as Frente’s Angie Hart. As the years went on I sort of put all of that on the proverbial back burner.

Then not so long ago I started to dream of a fat band! Yes, a band of fat musicians! I would wax philosophically with my friends and they would just smile and nod because that’s what friends do when they think you’ll never actually do whatever it is your talking about. Not to knock my friends, they are the best, but it’s true, I can be full of whimsy and day dreams. But a couple of weeks ago, after getting fed up with musician ads saying “No Chick Singers”, I put an ad of my own on craigslist. Lo and behold, I got a few bites, too.And just when it started to feel like it wouldn’t happen for me, ever…I heard from a guitarist and a bassist. And now? OMZ! We’re meeting up this weekend! And I can’t friggin’ believe it!

The moment this all came together (yesterday) I panicked. My dream might just become a reality! I may actually get to be in a fucking band! I’ll finally sing, in public, and not just at karaoke! Holy shit! And thus my inner critic was awoken: You don’t know what the hell you’re doing! You don’t sing that good! They will take one look at you and say, “Um, no thanks!”

That stupid irrational fear. The fear that makes you dream of going to work/school/etc naked. That fear that lurks within us all that bubbles up from time to time to piss on your cheerios. Damn! I hate that inner critic. Such an asshole! And so not helping me at all. WTF?! I mention my fears to my hubby and he was understanding of the fears. He has the same ones and thus has never been in a band because of it. Though he does play a mean guitar!

A couple of years ago I read Eckart Tolle’s “A New Earth” and it helped me squash my inner critic/ego. It taught me to be in the present. Not to think too far into things and to somewhat separate the emotional side from the logical. This helped me so much, especially in job interviews! Ha-ha! I remember walking into some nondescript office building, riddled with fear, and repeating to myself with each step, “Calm & Confident” until I walked in the door. I would smile, hold out my hand, and say, “Hi! I’m here to see ____.” Like, a giant fucking smile! This worked for me a lot, though not enough to land me a new career.

This helped me, too when I was constantly in a state of anxiety over opening my own cafe. We’re all human. No one wants to see us fail. Yet that is our biggest fear! Failure and humiliation. I don’t so much fear those simultaneously, but nobody wants to make a giant ass of themselves, either. Ugh!

So this fat band dream of mine, it may just come true. But I have to look my inner critic in the eye (or whatever it has-I think mine is a gray vapor, to be honest) and tell it that it’s simply not needed and walk away. It’s worked before and it should work again. Because deep down I know that trying to do this for real will mean so much more to me than if I didn’t try at all. Even if it blows up in my face, it will be an experience and I can finally say I did it!

What does your inner critic say? Do you have a dream you’re too afraid to attempt? Tell me all about it! =0)