I have just not been very posty lately. Sorry ’bout that. I have no excuse, really, just lack of inspiration.

I wanted to talk about our Inner Critic & My Fat Band. These things belong together for me, at the moment. I have long dreamed of starting a band. My first year of high school was a magical time for music (’91/’92). Yep, Grunge! At heart, I still feel 14 and flannel clad and all. *sigh* The good old days, as they say. I have wanted to be in almost every type of band. From L7-esque to Lush-like. I have wanted to be Joey Ramone as well as Frente’s Angie Hart. As the years went on I sort of put all of that on the proverbial back burner.

Then not so long ago I started to dream of a fat band! Yes, a band of fat musicians! I would wax philosophically with my friends and they would just smile and nod because that’s what friends do when they think you’ll never actually do whatever it is your talking about. Not to knock my friends, they are the best, but it’s true, I can be full of whimsy and day dreams. But a couple of weeks ago, after getting fed up with musician ads saying “No Chick Singers”, I put an ad of my own on craigslist. Lo and behold, I got a few bites, too.And just when it started to feel like it wouldn’t happen for me, ever…I heard from a guitarist and a bassist. And now? OMZ! We’re meeting up this weekend! And I can’t friggin’ believe it!

The moment this all came together (yesterday) I panicked. My dream might just become a reality! I may actually get to be in a fucking band! I’ll finally sing, in public, and not just at karaoke! Holy shit! And thus my inner critic was awoken: You don’t know what the hell you’re doing! You don’t sing that good! They will take one look at you and say, “Um, no thanks!”

That stupid irrational fear. The fear that makes you dream of going to work/school/etc naked. That fear that lurks within us all that bubbles up from time to time to piss on your cheerios. Damn! I hate that inner critic. Such an asshole! And so not helping me at all. WTF?! I mention my fears to my hubby and he was understanding of the fears. He has the same ones and thus has never been in a band because of it. Though he does play a mean guitar!

A couple of years ago I read Eckart Tolle’s “A New Earth” and it helped me squash my inner critic/ego. It taught me to be in the present. Not to think too far into things and to somewhat separate the emotional side from the logical. This helped me so much, especially in job interviews! Ha-ha! I remember walking into some nondescript office building, riddled with fear, and repeating to myself with each step, “Calm & Confident” until I walked in the door. I would smile, hold out my hand, and say, “Hi! I’m here to see ____.” Like, a giant fucking smile! This worked for me a lot, though not enough to land me a new career.

This helped me, too when I was constantly in a state of anxiety over opening my own cafe. We’re all human. No one wants to see us fail. Yet that is our biggest fear! Failure and humiliation. I don’t so much fear those simultaneously, but nobody wants to make a giant ass of themselves, either. Ugh!

So this fat band dream of mine, it may just come true. But I have to look my inner critic in the eye (or whatever it has-I think mine is a gray vapor, to be honest) and tell it that it’s simply not needed and walk away. It’s worked before and it should work again. Because deep down I know that trying to do this for real will mean so much more to me than if I didn’t try at all. Even if it blows up in my face, it will be an experience and I can finally say I did it!

What does your inner critic say? Do you have a dream you’re too afraid to attempt? Tell me all about it! =0)