Almost every week day on my commute home I listen to “Hard Knock Radio” on KPFA (94.1 in the bay area) a listener sponsored radio station. The show covers news, views and hip hop culture and music. I love this show for so many reasons, but yesterday I knew I was just lucky to have the opportunity to tune in. Yesterday’s show examined childhood sexual trauma with fimmaker Dedoceo Habi, songstress Yolanda Davis and hip-hop producer/educator Naru Kwina. Together they have produced a song about childhood sexual abuse, “Mystified” here is the video, please watch (no swearing that I heard, no violence depicted, should be safe for work):

*Trigger Warning for description of abuse*

You can listen to the entire show here.

I was so impressed with how this sensitive topic was discussed. Host Anita Johnson shared her personal childhood abuse story and really asked the important questions. While they were mainly discussing abuse and how it is handled/addressed in African American communities and what could be done within the community to help end the shame/guilt/silence and denial, I felt that this coudl easily be applied to many if not all communities.

The truth is 1 in 3 women were sexually abused as a child. That is huge! Look around, how many women do you know? Think about those numbers again. One in Three! (Sorry, I do not have the statistic for men at this time, if you do please let me know.) And the only way to stop the abuse and to do something about it at all is to end the silence and tell someone! It may feel like the most terrifying thing to consider right now, even if it happened a very long time ago, but telling someone helps. It has helped me.

I have often talked about my own abuse and survival here. What I have not mentioned previously (or described to anyone else) is that I was also molested as a little girl, too. I think I was 6 or 7. He was a friend of my best friend’s family. He had been around for awhile, but we had never gone anywhere in his car with him until that day. I forget what excuse he made for stopping at his apartment, I think we were getting lunch and he wanted to stop and pick up a gift for us…at least that is what I think it was. So it was me and my best friend in his car. This man had to be in his fifties if not older. When we got there he showed us a scrapbook of the kids he sponsored in Africa and other far off lands. Like the ones on TV.

Then he said he had a gift for us. Being poor I always questioned gifts unless they were from my grandmas. But my best friend said it was okay and that her mom knew and said it was okay and that he gave great gifts. I remember a bunch of plastic beads that he gave us. I recall hexagonal shaped aqua beads that had a crystal-like look, though they were plastic (I kept those beads for a few years, but never worse them.) Then he instructed us to go into the bathroom together and change into these two nightgowns. I threw mine on quickly and was waiting for my best friend to follow suit. She insisted, quite anxious and nervously, that I remove my underwear before going out to our “fashion show” for him. I argued with her, but in the end relented.

When we were ready, I walked out first and twirled, just like a model. He praised us and scooped me into his lap on his old couch. He bounced me on his knee a few times and then started to straighten the nightgown. Then he began to touch my thighs and finally my vagina. He whispered in my ear, “See, doesn’t that feel so good?” Not understanding really what he was doing, why or what I should say, I simply closed my eyes and said, “Yeah.” I do not know how long this went on, only that it wasn’t very long and I asked almost the moment he put me down onto my feet again, “Can I change now?” and he said that I could. I ran into the bathroom and put my clothes back on. Remembering my best friend I quickly ran back into the living room to get her. It was at this point I felt something was terribly wrong. I started to say that I was hungry and we needed to go. He offered us cookies, I think, but I refused.

We finally went back to my best friend’s house and I don’t think I saw him again until he was in the courtroom. Yes, he was convicted of molesting us and others. I didn’t tell. I carry that with me to this very day. I even denied it to the police when they questioned me. They showed me pictures he had taken of us (I don’t remember a camera, but I do remember the pictures) and I insisted I was wearing underwear and that he had not touched me. I am guessing that it was an obvious lie and the adults discussed this, though I am not sure. My friend and I never talked about it. I remember being called to the principal’s office one day many months or even a year after it happened. My parents picked me up and took me to court. I think they asked if I knew a man named “BJ” and I said that I did and how I knew him. They asked if he “touched” me and I said no. I think he got 7 years in prison. My best friend and I remained so for many years after. But we never mentioned it to each other.We haven’t been in touch since 6th grade or so. I will always wonder if she held this against me. Today I wish that I had said something, to someone, anyone!

I have never received any type of therapy. I have never shared the above with anyone. Usually I just say, “Oh, yes, I was molested as a kid.” and leave it at that. I now realize how important it is to share my story with others. So many of you reached out to me when I shared my own abuse survival story a few months back. Thank you! I am certainly not qualified to help in any sort of medical way, but I am an open ear, a free shoulder and I firmly believe in venting and a good rant. I offer myself to anyone who needs an unbiased and non-judgmental sounding board: notblueatall@notblueatall.com

I would also like to provide a link to the Rape Abuse & Incest National Network or RAINN they offer free, live help and a ton of resources. And a commenter in another post gave me this link for Violence UnSilenced which is a blog for people to share their abuse and survival stories. I urge you to tell someone, anyone! Let us all heal from what has been done to us. It was never our fault and we should be free of the weight of that burden.

Thank you,

<3
S

Not sure about you, but I sure as hell am sick and tired of the “status quo” and all of their supposed quo-ness! Ha! If you haven’t heard about Golda Poretsky’s tele-classes, well, you’re in for some good stuff!

I first found Golda’s blog over at bodylovewellness.com and signed up for a free tele-class with the topic “Feel sexy at any size.” I found it quite informative and fantastic for those who haven’t been around teh fat-o-sphere for very long or who are struggling with their body acceptance. I was quite happy to be in the class, however, even though it wasn’t something I was struggling with at the time (because Maude knows we all struggle from time to time).

Now Golda has assembled a group of amazing women who are at the forefront of the revolution for a free tele-summit! They will explore everything from plus size fashion to bigger bodies in art and the science of Health At Every Size. And the people she has lined up? Well, I am just in awe and cannot wait for this to begin! You can view the schedule and guests here. You can register here. I registered and am so excited!

I think that this will be quite an important event for the fat-o-sphere. I’ll do my best to recap the day after each call for those who are unable to attend, but I’m sure Golda will also have recordings available after as well. I would love to hear from anyone else on the calls, too. Perhaps the day after each one I’ll post some thoughts and topics and we can get to discussing in comments…sound good?

Please do consider registering, it’s free and for sure you’ll learn something from these amazing, revolutionary women!

Notblueatall Podcast Episode Two (Player at the bottom)

Or on iTunes (Please subscribe if you can, Thanks!)

My guests this time were Brenda & Julie of TheBustyTraveler.BlogSpot.com Do check it out!

The post we were talking about “Double Double Featurette”

We talked about her friend Psycho Sue’s Blog: Sew Misunderstood-Fashion for Wayward Girls

Brenda’s Skirt tutorial!

Road to Wellville Trailer

This is the Etsy shop I got my “Know Fat Chicks” button!

Post on the LiveJournal Community Fatshionista about activism and grass roots ideas

My post with the business card that has a positive body message.

You Are Beautiful

Scene from Heathers that Brenda quotes:

I don’t know that I was ever not camera shy, but my reasons for being so changed over time. First, well, I was just a super shy kid! The only pics of my childhood are generally x-mas gifts being held up or riding my first or second bike or, well, maybe that’s it. I do have a rad pic of myself doing a cartwheel wearing knicker-bockers (just over the knee pants that button on the sides). But yeah, that’s it! As time went on, well, my family didn’t take many pictures at all, actually. Puberty sent me that special gift otherwise known as “OMZ! Don’t look at me I’m hideous!” As I grew fatter? Well, it only worsened.

Even into my late twenties, I would avoid cameras unless I was the one pressing the button. A friend of mine is the same way, but I never felt he had reason to be because he’s a brilliant actor/dancer/writer/handsome & everything-under-that-sun-of-ours! After discovering the Livejournal community of Fatshionista, I was suddenly bearing witness to hundreds of fats posting pictures of themselves, On The Internet! What? Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat? I know, right?!

After seeing some pretty terrible pics of myself I decided I needed to do something. Then I read a quote from Paris Hilton to the effect of she started posing for the paparazzi when she got sick of seeing bad photos of herself. Gee, I thought, that kind of makes sense. So I placed my little toe in the water and posted an OOTD (Outfit of the Day) picture on Fatshionista and was floored by the feedback I got. Not just on the outfit, but on my everything! And it was all positive! I was in a state of shock!I just couldn’t wrap my head around it! But I was sick of feeling icky when it came to taking my picture.

Experimentation! Ah-ha! Taking your own pics with a digital camera helped me so much! One day I decided to make every face I could think of and take a pic. The rule? No deleting! Then I did more OOTD posts. More positive feedback received. More OOTD posts. And so on. Then I got to the point where I figured out how to hold my head, smile the right way and stand for a camera! What? I know! And now? Now I pose for the camera! I laugh when they say “Cheese!” I flirt with it! It’s fun now! Had you told me I would be writing this a couple of years ago I would have thought you mentally ill. But it’s true! There is actually a full folder on my laptop with all pics of myself. That sounds so very vain, but some are just parts, like my nose or chin or ear. It was a learning experience, to say the least. We don’t get to see ourselves from many angles.

The subject of vanity and how others might see self-portraits as that I can understand, but for me it was a bit of confidence building/experimentation and just stubbornness, “I will no longer shy away from cameras, dammit!” And I think it’s worked for me. I still don’t love every pic of myself, but sometimes, even the goofy ones, I enjoy! If you can’t appreciate your own quirks, who will?! (Also great for documenting various hair dos, don’t and cuts!)

If you’ve always shied from the camera or dread those “Kodak moments” of your life, why not try it on your own. It is amazing what you’ll see when you control the shutter! Try it out and let me know what you find! Or team up with a trusted pal and see if you can do a fun and friendly photo-shoot! I have some plans for this myself, I’ll be posting the results if we can sync-up our schedules!

Thanks,

<3
S