The First and Second parts of this three part series.

I left off when I met my husband, B. We’ve been together for over thirteen years. Seven of those years we’ve been married. Yeah, we took our time. We moved in together after a year and a half of dating (though we never went on “dates”) and were happy with that for awhile. I think I started to talk marriage first, but left it as a no-pressure option. Then he proposed on our 3 year anniversary. And then I freaked out! So we waited another three years and got married on our 6 year anniversary. It was a small affair, twenty people total in attendance, including the wedding party itself. It was a mostly non-traditional wedding, too. I mean, I wore a white dress (my only regret was that damned dress, not the color so much, but that’s another story), had a flower girl and bridesmaids and all of that jazz, but my maid of honor also officiated the ceremony and since we’re not religious it was simply based on love and commitment.

I had just started a new job that soon became an actual career path and finally a career. I felt like a fish out of water at first, but soon found my niche in the mortgage industry (I was in the appraisal department, thank goodness). I focused on providing excellent service above all else and quickly got recognized for that (and even a few awards). When the corporate trainer for my position was getting ready to leave I voice my desire to take over for her. It was a huge risk and a leap, but I am so glad that I did it! My managers were so supportive and it seemed everyone loved me! I didn’t even have to try! So there I was, rapidly climbing the proverbial corporate ladder and finding my footing in this new environment. I struggled to put together an appropriate wardrobe and to fall in line with all of the acronyms, jargon and expectations my new position held.

And then something happened, I did things I never could have imagined doing. I pushed myself outside of my comfort zone…waaaay outside! And I got fucking brave. And then? It got easier! And people wanted me in their offices to teach them my mad service skills! It was like a high I’d never known before. To be in demand, to be the go-to gal for all things customer service and efficiency in this department, it was magical! I put so much of myself into everyday that first year and a half in my corporate training position. I worked my behind off! I loved every second. Until I got a new boss. The company was sold to another and things started to fall apart. I kept on, but the strain was there. The tension. The awkwardness of hating a boss that doesn’t even know what you do exactly and is such an ass-kissing jackass that you begin to wonder how in the fuck they even got their job. But I loved the people I worked with and had two fabulous people in my department to confide in and rant with and just be with. They were real friends at the time, too. Sadly, I’ve lost touch with both and only consider one a true friend now, but that’s another story.

When I completed this huge project that I personally created, put together and implemented with rave reviews and super success, I was suddenly being asked to travel the country (I’d only ever handled the west coast until this point) I thought, “This is it! This is the big time!” And a month later my department was eliminated, we were laid off along with a thousand other people in California that day. I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me, again! (The first time being when I was laid off from the music store, forgot to write about that, my bad.) I had to figure out where I fit in the world again and it sucked.

I spent the next two years unemployed, but going on enough job interviews that that felt like my full time job. I then got three of the worst jobs I’d ever had (and I hated working for the Gap but even that was better than these) and the absolute worst managers/supervisors I’d ever encountered (though only one tops the jackass from my old career)! I quit two of those jobs willingly (one rapidly as I couldn’t take the bullshit and crying on my lunches anymore) and the last one I was laid off. That was a bit of a shocker. I’d turned around a department that was failing. I hired people committed to the service we provided. I even hired my best friend because I knew that he would keep them all motivated, too. I was told the department was being eliminated (lie) and that everyone was being laid off (lie). I was so angry. I waited in my car for twenty minutes for my BFF, but he never came down. So I called Steph, as I usually do when I need emotional support (love ya, babe!) and she talked me down and scolded me for stress-smoking. I found out later that night that J got to keep his job and so did the other gal we worked with. So only a few from our department got let go. J ended up taking over my position on top of the one he already had. Poor fella. <3

After a couple of weeks of interviews, I applied to one I knew I could do with my eyes closed. The interview was x-mas eve at 9 am. I showed up on time, dressed to the 9’s, only to find an entire office of 18-30 year old men wearing jeans and t-shirts. When I walked into the manager’s office for the interview he gave me the up-down. He then explained that I wasn’t qualified for the job, but that he hadn’t actually seen my resume. The person I would have been taking over for loved my resume and told me he thought I was a great fit. This jerk-store then answered a personal phone call on his cell phone and spoke in another language for five minutes while I sat there like a turd. He could see that I was growing impatient and finally ended the call only to tell me that he’d filled the position thirty minutes before the interview. I had never been so angry in my life! I wanted to punch the bastard in his face! I couldn’t take it anymore! I stormed out and went home and screamed for awhile. I told my husband that I just couldn’t do it anymore. This bullshit emotional roller coaster that is being unemployed.

I had recently gotten back in touch with my old friend Marc from Jr. High/High School and he had told me about his dream of opening a drive-thru coffee place in Portland, Oregon. While his life took a very different path, a seed was planted. When I passed by an old abandoned Wolf Camera (with a  drive-thru window no less) I had an epiphany: Why don’t I open my own cafe?! I was too scared at first to tell anyone, but then began to slowly let slip the idea and was shocked at the support my friends (and B of course) gave me. Not that they were ever jerks, but I can be a bit obsessive and compulsive about big ideas I get only to drop them a week or a month or a year later. But I did a shit ton of research and mapped out my path. I went to coffee school (yes, there is such a thing and I chose the best one in the nation in my opinion) and felt I was doing everything the right way. I knew I didn’t want to go into debt and instead cashed out what was left of my 401K (about $9k after the market crash) and some of our savings and just did it. It was so exciting and terrifying and fun all at once. It took so much work and no one seemed to have answers for me, ever. So I DIY’d my way to my own business (opened in Sept. ’09) and while it gave me so much purpose and meaning for awhile? I am pretty much done with her.

If you read this blog you know that B & I have been having some problems lately, but I think for the most part we’ve got a handle on it and things are improving. I know now that I wouldn’t die if we broke up, but I am comforted by the fact that I know this won’t happen anytime soon. We do enjoy each others’ company and are finding ways to compromise when that isn’t the case. He goes fishing, I do fatty things, it works for now. We are communicating a bit more and I think he is starting to realize just how much we’ve both changed in the last two years. We have sacrificed so much for each other (his massage school tuition and my cafe) and still find a way to get by, even if it is a struggle. Yes, we are one tiny disaster away from being on the street, but I don’t worry about it too much these days. I have amazing friends that support me and always know what I need somehow. B, too, always seems to know what I need when I need it most. We may not always agree, but what fun would that be anyway? I’m still madly in love with that man. As much of an old grouch as he can be, he is still all I want. He is such a great pug-papa and tabby-daddy that I know if we do have a kid one day, we’ll be just fine.

Now, the next chapter in my life? That is a big mystery. What I do know is that I will continue to attend and support as many fat events and activist things as I can and write this blog-a-ma-thing until I have nothing left to write. I would love to write a book (and Steph keeps pushing me, thank you!) but am not sure what about or even how to do it. I would love more than anything to sell the cafe right now, it would solve all of my problems!!! If you pray or believe in putting your intentions and hopes out into the universe, if you could please give me a little thought in this regard? I am focusing all of my hopes and wishes and thoughts on selling it right now. It would literally change my life. I’m selling it crazy-cheap (mostly just the cost of the equipment and improvements I’ve made), but don’t want to advertise so as not to lose customers. I rarely ask such things of people, but it would mean the world to me right now. So thank you if you do decide to help in this. I have another business idea that would be so much easier and cheaper and healthier for me to do (and it’s fat related), but until my commitment to the cafe is over, I can’t even think about that.

B wants us to buy a house in the mountains and I have agreed once I leave the cafe behind. This is huge as I had no intention of moving out of the south bay, but I feel I should at least give it a shot if it works out in this way. And then who knows? We may have a baby. I may find work helping abuse survivors. We may start new and totally different careers. I may be a rock star…the possibilities are endless. I don’t wanna think about what will happen if I can’t sell the cafe, but I keep pushing that out of my mind to prevent full-meltdown panic attacks. *breathe in…breathe out* I’m okay though. I’m healthy. I’m grateful. I’m happy for the most part. I am loved. And best of all I am still passionate as hell about the social injustices and inequality in the world today. So I will keep on fighting! No worries there.

Thank you for reading this blog and supporting me and my writing. Your comments always brighten my day! <3

If you ever would like me to write about something specific (or not) do let me know! A commenter had asked me to write about my separate lives and that is what inspired this series of posts. If you’d like to talk but don’t want the world to see, drop me a line: notblueatall@notblueatall.com

I was happily reading a pretty neat interview with Cyndi Lauper, my childhood and current hero/heroine! It was full of these fun questions like what was the first record you ever bought and things like that. Then it came to this question:

Last meal on earth — what would it be
“I’m trying not to think about food. I’m on a diet.”

*HeadDesk* WHY?! Oh Why?! Not Cyndi?! Really? I mean, you couldn’t just say something instead of bring up a friggin’ diet? You had to just go there and say that? Ugh! NOOOO!

To me Cyndi is this heavenly creature both of this world and not. To be in her physical presence is to bask in the light that emanates from within her. I am not even exaggerating, y’all! She has a goodness that is so very good. I have loved her (and still do) since I was 5 years old. That is a long time, trust me. And well, I just cannot believe it! I cannot believe that someone so great and talented beautiful and seemingly confident and happy would be on a fucking diet?!

I was upset when Kirstie Alley did the Jenny Craig thing. I was saddened when Valerie Bertinelli did it, too. But when Carrie Fisher did it, well, I felt betrayed! Like way more than I should. But Cyndi?! Well, I guess no one is immune to such things. I just, I can’t even…I guess she was on another plane than me, such a higher plane, in my mind at least, that this seems an impossibility! I don’t want to judge her. I’m just disappointed is all. Oh well.

What hero of yours has disappointed you and how?

We have all heard the stereotypes about fat people and food (feel free to vent in comments, darlings). And while I consider myself somewhat of a novice foodie, I’m nowhere near gourmet-dom. I only started to enjoy cooking at home a few years ago and never would have imagined owning my own cafe. I could never afford the finer dining lifestyle anyhow, but it’s fun to watch those shows that let you inside and behind the scenes, so fun! I enjoy my share of celebrity chefs and their ilk, but not too many now days. In fact I’ve begun to view a lot of food related things differently since taking my food safety course (I wish they were free and mandatory for everyone). I’ve also become a bit of a germ-a-phobe! Who knew?!

Socially, I suck, when it comes to food. I have no problem cooking for, presenting and hosting others food. However, when it comes to my eating in front of people I must think it through first. For one thing, I am a very slow eater. Plus, I like to talk. This can make a 30 minute lunch/meal/etc last upwards of 2 hours (I swear I was Italian in my last life and I kick myself for not eating and experiencing more when I was there). I keep this in mind when making plans for meet ups and friends and such. But then there’s the issue of what to order. Ugh! I love salads, I’m a California gal, but it doesn’t mean that’s all I eat. Sometimes I want a nice pasta dish or whatever, ya know? But being a fat ordering food in a restaurant is almost like assigning a time and place for people to give you the stink-eye (or judgment face, or as my husband says I give him, the “skwunch-eye”). It’s bullshit and none of their business ever, but it is the state of things. I usually ignore such things and go about MY business, but I’m not impervious to it either. I worry about the messiness of a dish I may eat in public (sauces, no matter how delish, can make me so overly self-conscious I will stop eating). It’s silly, but it’s in my head somehow.

Eating in front of people started to get to me in high school and I’m not even sure why! I guess just general awkwardness. Everyone ate together back then, like it was nothing. But I recall a lunch with my BFFs in a burger king that left me feeling weird ever since. Nothing happened specifically that I can recall, but that is my first memory of feeling weird about eating in public/in front of people. I wasn’t terribly interested in food back then and pretty much subsisted on frozen foods and taco bell (and the occasional fave: deli sandwiches). I only knew how to cook three things until my husband and I started to actually cook. Those three things? Scrambled eggs, mac ‘n cheese and spaghetti. No lie! If I was home alone and hungry you can bet on my making one of those things for myself. With a giant glass of orange juice!

It is a very different feeling when you are serving food to the public in a restaurant environment while fat. Especially, I would argue, if what you are serving is “healthy.”  You get looks you wouldn’t normally get. Ones that say, “Wow, if only you ate this food you wouldn’t be so ginormously fat.” Looks of pity, looks of disgust, the usually stuff, sure, but when they realize it’s my place? My food? My menu I created? It’s shock! Total shock! “How could someone so unhealthy create such a magical place?” Because I’m a fucking unicorn, now leave a damned tip and get out! Ha-ha! (I wish I could say such things.)

I know being publicly fat has it’s own special brand of abuses involved, but I think all fats face such things when food is involved. It’s bullshit and I think we should push back! I think we need to stare right back at those judgmental bastards (I love that word) and call them out if need be. This includes our own friends, too! I won’t get into the family thing because we all have different shit to deal with there, but if you have the sanity points? Go for it! Because we know that a lot of people think it’s perfectly fine to harass or hate or shame fats. It is up to us to make them feel uncomfortable doing it! I’m not saying we can change their minds, that is much harder for sure, but I do think we need to at the very least make extended eye contact, enough to make ’em squirm just a little, ya know?

And the truth is, I say this, but I still try not to eat in front of my customers. I still struggle with eating regularly. I work on it. I started bringing a cold sandwich to work with me and for some reason I have little trouble eating that in front of anyone. Not sure why. But struggling is fine! Nobody is perfectly self-accepting and confident every single hour of every single day. So don’t beat yourself up over it. If you can’t face the haters, then don’t. But if you can, please do! I have had some interesting things happen when I have one of those moments when I realize I am talking but somehow not exactly controlling it. Yeah, it happens. But when it happens with complete strangers about food or health or fat? It is a radical moment of fat activism! It is a moment of magic and wisdom! I love it! It also totally helps to laugh a lot to put them at ease (and yourself, I do this a ton).

We live in a world where doctors are calling us liars and diagnosing us with little more than a quick “up-down.” *headdesk* It’s not their fault entirely, though. You see, we chose to believe it’s okay to exist and live our lives as we see fit. We chose to resist societal pressure. We chose not to kill ourselves in order to fit in. They chose the blue pill. Well, I should say most people chose to believe the diet industry bullshit marketing. Some will be very open to what we have to say simply by voicing something they’ve not yet heard. I think we have to give people the chance to be open to it, too. Because, well, c’mon, when someone says something new that seems to be the opposite of all you’ve heard or been told your entire life? That’s tough to swallow, you know? And I get that, I do. And luckily for us we have this incredible resource of this amazing world wide community of fat acceptance to support and cheer us on! To lift us up and to rise above the hateful bullshit!

The first step is to stop judging. It’s a difficult one, but I think the most important. Then you must give up hating. Then give up comparing ourselves to others. Then to accept ourselves just as we are, right now. Not tomorrow or next year or at certain amount of weight…NO! Just as you are right now! Just live in your body and enjoy it and feel it and be mindful of it and what it does for you everyday. I don’t think that most people do that. We spend so much time and money and energy hating our bodies and blaming all of the ills in our lives and the world on them…and for what? What do we get from so much hate? It’s not worth it! YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE! And remember, “Nothing tastes as good as a free mind feels!” (quoting myself, ha-ha!) Just be kind, to yourself and to others. Take care of yourself. Love yourself. You can do it! I know you can, because I did! <3

Last night B & I watched a “Unique Eats” episode we recently taped (it’s on the fabulous Cooking Channel). It was all about BBQ! Whew! I hadn’t thought myself much of a carnivore, more omnivore, but the gorgeousness on that show was more than I could deny myself from enjoying or even fantasizing about! My husband Loves BBQ. He misses his grill and just having access to one, but our new apartment, and apparently state law, says we cannot have a a charcoal grill and only certain propane ones are allowed at all. Without money to buy such a contraption (and he much prefers charcoal to propane), we won’t be doing any grilling this summer. So watching this particular episode was bitter sweet for him.

The show basically visits popular spots within the theme of a given episode. Foodies and chefs comment on their favorite dishes and the preparation of them. It’s glorious food porn, y’all! The chefs and foodies do a great job of making your mouth water with their descriptions. I love hearing the unique stories of how these restaurants and food trucks and whatnot get started. Very interesting characters! The thing is, I don’t even eat red meat usually, but this one place had this ridiculous brisket and my eyes were poppin’ outta my head, I tell you what! *drools*

And then the proud fatty in me began to enjoy and delight and the use of the word “fat” in the segment about a Brooklyn, N.Y. restaurant called Fatty ‘Cue! They have a dish called “Master Fat”!!! Already band names and secret underground fatty club names spring to mind, but it’s not that kind of fat. No, “Master Fat” is this liquid-gold from all of the various rendered animal meats that they cook in a giant cauldron of infinite wonder! But what truly grabbed my attention was this one guy, Zakary Pelaccio, I don’t know if he’s the owner or manager or chef, but he’s a rad fatty for sure! And his look was fucking hypnotizing!

(Can’t find a picture from the episode) How to describe? Okay, he had big hot pink plastic glasses. Red hair, red & white Striped scarf triple wrapped around his neck. Just so stylish and unique and quirky and awesome?! Ack! I’m so bummed there’s no video or pics from his interview part. I can’t explain it. But he was just magnetic and awesome and brilliant and stylin’ as hell! I couldn’t take my eyes off of him!

Anyway, it’s a rad show. Fatty ‘Cue seems to have nothing but fantastic reviews and I’m sure they’re already hugely successful. I was just so struck by this dude. I dunno. So, yeah.

This has been a post. Ha-ha!

I often get asked what blogs I enjoy reading. My usual response is “Oh you know, all the fatty blogs.” but there is more to it than that. So I thought I would share some of my “must reads” here with you today (that aren’t on the fat-o-sphere feed). And please feel free to post your favorite (or even your own) blogs in comments! I love finding news ones! =0)

Dances With Fat has a great post about body size not being a diagnosis in and of itself! Taking aim at modern medicine and pointing directly to the problem! Love it!

Fat Girl Posing shares some fat modeling photos and discusses the politics of having a fat body (some pics are NSFW).

Finessing The Fuck You has a great one on brushing off your inner hater! Check it out!

My gal Psycho Sue does a fab acoustic cover of Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way” for all the freaks of the world!

If you’re a fan of all things created with cake, check out Cake Wrecks for a daily dose of hilarity and awesome sauce! My husband and I love to watch the Food Network Challenges…but seeing the “wrecks” is sometimes more fun! <3

For those who are Gluten-Free I offer up the often mentioned BFF Steph’s blog Wasabimon! So many recipes, so much goodness…all without Gluten! WOO!

Fatkini Riot is keepin’ it real and puttin’ it all out there! Yeah, FATkini! You read it right. It’s fabulous!!!

Fat Acceptance/Pride/Positive Groups on Facebook! Do you run a group? Are a member of one? I’d love to hear all about it! I have one for my monthly meet up group and am a member of a couple (but they are closed I believe). Do share if you are able. I think it’s a great way to converse online with other  fats without the formalities of a blog.