Let’s look at this whole thing for a minute, shall we? Hating your body, what has it gotten you? Has it helped you do or get anything? Oh sure, you might get the “good fatty” points for “trying” and all, but in the grand scheme of life itself…what has this self hating gotten you? Has it earned you any love or respect or put a roof over your head? No? So why hang onto this way of being? If you’ve never thought about your fat body in this way, hang out a minute.

Have you ever thought that maybe the mainstream is wrong? Questioned authority? Had a grain of disbelief when seeing all of those “before and after” photos on television? Yeah, you might just be ready for a little body revolution! Don’t worry, you’re among good people! 😉 There’s a worldwide community of proud fatties who have chosen to love and care for their fat bodies instead of hating them and we’re all chatting and living it up! We do things and write things and shake things up and all while living in fat bodies! There’s no holding us back or stopping us now, so maybe you shouldn’t let that self hate stop you either!

Perhaps you grew up with people in your life that struggled against and were basically always at war with their bodies, no matter their actual size. Maybe your mom or grandma was extra harsh on you from a young age or the kids at school bullied you for having a differently shaped or sized body. No matter where you started or what you’ve been through, you can choose something different for yourself now! You get to choose to do right by your fat body and to live the best life you can within it!

The great thing about beginning your self-acceptance journey is that it doesn’t cost a thing! There’s no membership fee or card. There’s no instruction manual on how to stop hating yourself (though plenty of great books on the subject) or some sort of short cut on getting there. I will say, though, that it is entirely worth every ounce of effort and energy in the world (and so are you)! The benefits you can reap from this journey are boundless!

I never thought anyone would ever refer to me as “bubbly” “positive” or “confident” but they do now! I used to be the ultimate downer, Eeyore incarnate! And now I feel as though I have broken free from the bounds/binds of self hate, harm and judgment. Blegh! Who needs those anyhow?! They do nothing but hold you back and you have shit to do!

There is no thin person inside of me screaming to come out. There is only the real me in there, happy to finally see the light of day after so many years of hiding in the dark, drowning in shame. NO MORE! I am done with all of that and I hope that you are ready to be done with it, too. There is this great big beautiful world out there to be lived in and explored. You may not have noticed, it’s kind of hard to see it when you’re worst thoughts are always turned inward.

*Hugs*

You can do whatever you want! So do it, don’t wait! Give yourself permission to be happy. You deserve it. Shake the old shit off and walk free of that burden. Because you rock! You are awesome! And deep down you know you’re better than all of that old nonsense. 😉

Living my life out in the open and honestly has been such a cool thing! It’s a game changer, babies. It’s magically delicious! It’s…rad! When I present myself as nothing more or less than me, well, the pressure is off! I no longer feel the need or pressure to try to fit into anything or to be like anyone or appear any way other than the way that I already am. Whew!

Interviewing for jobs is far less nerve wracking than before. Now I walk in looking and feeling fabulous and just smile and laugh and answer honestly and try not to second guess myself at all. It’s tough, we all feel like we have to be professional, whatever that means, but being genuine has proven to be far more freeing and I’ve had a few interviewers say outright, “I like you.” Wow!

Super new to dating, for real it’s nuts y’all, my dating profile pages are full of the word fat and bad ass and I make no bones about any of it (Bones! ha-ha!). I include full body shots as well as awesome head shots and get lots of positive responses to both, though mostly on my smile as of late. I have been pleasantly surprised when dude after dude tells me how refreshing it is to meet a confident woman. I never quite know what to say, but it does reaffirm the fact that this body positive activism shit is so very necessary!

Oh yeah! Explaining to people what it means to be a fat activist is interesting. I have had a total of two people message me about this little factoid in my profile, asking if I’m promoting “obesity” or unhealthy lifestyles. I generally answer with my own thoughts and a couple of links. No, I never heard from them again, no worries. I have a pretty low tolerance for bullshit, liars, jerks and douche bags. I can usually filter those out pretty quickly, though few get past my profile (I have a lot of “Do NOT message me if…”). And thus far, none have gotten a third date with me. Poor fellas. 😉

So far only one guy has me wanting more and well, I think he’s awesome. *Blushes* I don’t want to push things though, I prefer things to progress naturally and certainly we’re both that awesome, so no rush is needed. He’s actually the first guy I’ve shared my blog with! *Gasps* I know! What was I thinking?! Ha-ha! Hopefully it won’t send him running for the hills anytime soon (I’m quite certain it won’t, he likes that I’m passionate about this stuff and has even said it’s “important work”).

I’m doing my best to remain open to whatever the universe has to offer. Trying not to obsess over things. I did finally break my “spell” though! Oh? You hadn’t heard? Ha-ha! I’ve been listening to The Cure “Galore”  (their greatest hits album) non-stop in my car since the first week of December. Yeah…Then I transitioned to a mix I made based on The Cure “Fascination Street” to sort of ease myself off of it and then on date #2 with a certain mister, I popped in Portishead and couldn’t take it out for awhile. Now I’ve been going through some old mixes I made of mega-randomness and have been loving it! Spell broken! Woo! (And thank you “Mister” for helping me along with this.)

The days are warming up and I have more time on my hands, too. I’m not always sure what to do with myself, as yesterday surely proved, but hey, I’m happy. Hopefully I will get a job I want and the rest should fall into place nicely. For some reason, I’m just not worrying about this stuff anymore. Ahh! This feels nice. 🙂

Not sure if this qualifies as a TMI post, so you know, you should totally hit me up and suggest something for me to post about! notblueatall@notblueatall.com or perhaps you’d like to guest post? Oooh! Do it!

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I had this big interview today, the in-person one, and while I have no idea how it went, I looked hella good! I felt great, too. It was warm outside, though not sunny, and wanted to enjoy this odd Monday afternoon off. When I got home from the interview, I snapped a few pics of my awesome make up (like ya do) and stripped down to my bra and undies. Ahhh! Comfort! Like, I have never actually done this before…why? Because I live with a person? I dunno. Because it’s just not how I usually roll.

I wrote before about having an issue finding comfortable underwear. Luckily for me I have awesome-geniuses as friends, namely, Raven, who suggested I hit up Ross (Dress for Less) for some Delta Burke boy shorts. I was skeptical, I won’t lie. I saw these microfiber thingies and thought, “Oh no! Sweatsville!” but I gotta say? They kind of rock! When I first tried them under my loose fitting jeans, I hated them. I felt like they would roll down or up or whatever. Plus, they made my jeans slide right off my ass. While hot, not exactly what I’m going for fatshion-wise. 😉

The four days in a row I have been wearing these things…and I sort of love them now! Under teggings and dresses it feels like I’m not wearing anything at all! Like, I keep kind of discreetly rubbing my own ass because it’s so smooth! (Also, rubbing your own ass is both fun and hilarious, especially when your friends catch you!) They in fact do not roll up or down and with teggings they pretty much win!

All of this comfort and for only $5.99 a 3-pack?! Nuts, I tells ya! I think I have three 3-packs now (even got two of them for $3.99, if I recall correctly. Wait! Maybe they’re 2-packs?). Anyhoo, great bargain, comfortable as hell and so far not too hot/sweaty. Gotta love that! For me to be so comfortable that I am just walking around my house, making a sandwich for lunch, applying for jobs and other such at-home activities, in nothing but these, a bra and some socks?! Unheard of, lemme tell ya!

It’s kind of liberating. Even checked out my ass in the hallway mirror a couple of times. Although, right now I’m in my room and my roommate came home. So, either I rock what I got or I gotta put pants on. Hmm…  😉

I half mentioned my resisting my own femme-ness yesterday and I was thinking about that again this morning on my drive in to work. I was thinking back to when I was a kid. I loved dresses at first, but I also loved getting dirty and climbing trees. I would often help my dad when he worked on his car and that certainly started a lifelong love of car stuffs for me. I played with Barbies and Transformers (and Go Bots!) and had friends of all genders. I never gave it much thought back then of course.

When I got my period at age 9 I thought my world would end. I hated it! It meant that I was actually a girl, dammit! I did not want that. Luckily that stayed under the radar for awhile. But then boobs happened. Stupid boobs! Ha-ha! They wrecked everything for me back then. I had to get a bra and shit and I hated it. At that point I only wanted to wear baggy t-shirts and jeans. It wasn’t until my first mad-crush on a boy that I even wanted to wear a skirt. And what a skirt it was!!! It was tight and black and white vertical stripes! I wore it with a black t-shirt and this weird 80’s brooch/scarf thingy (hard to describe). I wore scrunchy socks and black and white L.A. gear high tops. Ha!

The boy didn’t notice and I didn’t stop trying to make him notice for a few years after that, too. *Sigh* Everyone knew I was obsessed with him. It became an embarrassment. I began to deny it and went back to my more boyish clothes. I toyed with more girly accessories and did my best to fit in with what little money I could earn from babysitting and my paper route. I let my hair grow out of it’s bowl cut (all I had growing up until 7th grade) and started to feather and hairspray my bangs. I never could get the knack of it and always felt inferior to other more femme girls. Then said girls beat me up nearly every day of 7th grade.

In 8th grade I dated the cutest boy in school and felt more inclined to dabble with femme-ness. Though soon the grunge music-fashion thing came into my life and I found my love of mixing feminine and masculine clothing to create what felt best for me. Granny dresses and combat boots! Tie dyed t-shirts and flannels.  Black jeans and rock shirts. I’d found my thing and I didn’t let go. As my body grew larger and finding clothes that fit became more difficult, I went back to my baggy t-shirt routine.

Okay, so it didn’t help that I was with my abuser at that time. If I wore anything too femme or “sexy” he would make me change. Make up? Ha-ha! Hardly! No, I was his for the keeping/minding and if I was allowed to leave the house at all it was only with his full inspection-approval. *Sigh* As time went on I sought refuge in my lack of sex appeal. I thought, what’s the point? At least I’m safer, sort of. Ugh! Even after I finally escaped that situation, it took me ages to get back to anything remotely femme.

The first boy I dated after this, okay he was 26 and I was 19, called me his “Ska girl!” and would giggle about that label, which I loathed. I wore primarily corduroys with coordinating plaid flannel shirts and classic black doc martens. Soon I was introduced to a goth club in San Francisco (The So What!) and fell in love instantly! I started to show cleavage and wore satin shirts (often showing just a flirtation of chubby mid-drift). I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing, didn’t know who I was or how I even fit in the world, but I loved to dance!

When said boy ripped my heart out on my 20th b-day (and possibly gave me a horrible case of b-day ptsd, not joking) I didn’t see the point in being a girl at all, let alone living. Yeah, that was the boy I contemplated suicide over. *Sigh* I muddled through and grew ridiculously depressed until, well, even after I met my soon to be ex-husband. In fact, I would say we bonded over our heartbreaks and misery.

Okay…I never felt sexy. I never felt feminine and was never with anyone who made me feel that way or wanted me to. Only now that I am dating, and it feels like for the first time, have I begun to feel more femme. I’ve always admired femme gals, but never considered myself one. Only after being referred to as a “Fierce Fat Femme” by a lovely friend at the NAAFA conference last year did I even think of any self association. And then I was like, “Whoa! Wow! Okay! Yes!”

I’m now going back to pairing dresses and boots! And I fucking love it!!! I feel more me! Perhaps I’ll always be a grunge girl, deep down. But I feel sexy and hot and femme and YAY! I started to wear make up again, though only 2-3 times a week.  I feel more connected to myself and my body and have seen how a little self care can go a long way to improving one’s day and outlook.

I’m not yet ready to cover myself in glitter and rhinestones, but I don’t know that I’ll ever need that. I do love my pearls, though. Ha-ha! I would love to have a couple of Annie Hall sort of outfits. I have done drag once, very convincingly and loved it. I was a biker dude for Halloween one year and my best friend didn’t recognize me! Woo! For now, I shall find my footing in my own version of femme-ness and see how that feels for awhile. 😉
<3
S

I usually have stuff to do or commitments to attend to on my days off, but today? It was all mine, baby! I’ve been pretty sad the last couple of days/nights and knew I needed to snap myself out of it somehow. So what did I do? Self-care! Oh yeah! It has been a long time since I’ve done anything to truly make myself feel good.

I hadn’t really shared my sadness with anyone, yet when I came home last night I found these by my door from my wonderful roommate who somehow knew I needed cheering up. She’s rad!

Okay, seriously? I haven’t had a pedicure since November and had only been trimming my nails (fingers and toes) since then. No real care or polishing or anything. My natural toe nails were becoming a source of sadness and shame for me. I had left the Robin’s egg blue/green on my toes for so long that my nails turned yellow and I knew they needed to grow out. Winter made that an easier choice, of course. But the weather has been gorgeous here this week and so I felt compelled to make my adorable little toes pretty again.

I fucking love that little nail stamper set I got on eBay! It makes it look almost as good as my $30 pedicures used to! I trimmed, filed, pumiced, buffed and polished these little babies and I’m so happy with my work. I usually hate fussing with my toe nails and always feel unsatisfied with the results…not today! Squee! I’m very proud of myself for not allowing so many past disappointments keep me from accomplishing what I thought was impossible. Look, I know it’s just a pedicure, but it’s also important to me. I don’t really even know why. I think part of it is finally embracing my femme-ness and seeing that with practice I actually can get the same (or close) result as paying a professional to do it. Broke girls gotta do what they can with what they’ve got on hand! 😉

I also had a phone interview today for a position I super want! It was fantastic! I’ve never had an interviewer say “Perfect” after my answers so many times. Wow! Now I just gotta wait for them to call and schedule the in-person interview and then it’s all on me…I got this! (This pic not from today, but I kind of love it…)

When I got up this morning I wasn’t sure what the fuck I wanted to wear. I’ve been going back and forth between mega schlubby and pretty dang dressed up. Since my jeans were dirty and I couldn’t wear socks anyway (wet toes!) I went with a combination of items that I haven’t worn before or only once. I slid on some back teggings (my beloved!) and fancied giving my favorite skirt another shot. I just can’t figure out skirts, man! I don’t know why. I like them in theory, but putting the right top with said skirt is tough for me. It just never looks right. But today, my friends…I gave zero fucks and just rocked it! I wish I had a full outfit pic for you, but alas, my camera is dead and my phone just doesn’t do the job without a second person around. Boo!

Since I chose a top I’d only worn once and forgot that it’s super low cut, but I thought, “Hey! I finally have a reason to wear one of the two fabulous bandeau tops I bought from ChubbyCartWheels.com!!!” I have been telling people about the site and Shawna’s awesome fatshions, but hadn’t had the chance to wear or show anyone. So I put on the nude one with black lace overlay and TAD-AH! Perfection! I’m very happy with this randomly put together outfit. And the bandeau top? LOVE IT!

It’s so comfortable and just stays in place. It doesn’t have straps, that’s my bra, but I think it looks great! I will say that this was a custom one, my other is as well (plain black knit). Shawna was so sweet and patient and amazing and affordable and awesome!!! THANK YOU SHAWNA!!! <3  I highly encourage you to check out her site: www.chubbycartwheels.com
She did not pay me or offer me free fatshions (though, seriously, feel free, Gorgeous!), this is just my genuine review and love of an independent fatshion designer. Woo!

Yeah…it may be Wednesday, but I’m feeling great! I even opened up the curtains and window in my bedroom, watered my poor dear plants and am enjoying the freedom today has provided. The sun is shining, I’m fully and happily caffeinated and after the kick ass phone interview? I’m just stoked about the future, yo!

I wish you much love and time for self care in any/all forms. I hope that you can find whatever it is you need to accept and love you. I wish I could stop holding myself back so damned much, it ain’t worth it.
Rad Fatty Love to you ALL!

<3
Sarah

😉