We made it to Portland in one piece and without incident. What a journey! I was so lucky and grateful that my BFF wanted to drive up and for the first time I got to sit back and enjoy the view. And what a view it is!!! Northern California is gorgeous! I’ve always been the driver previously, so this was a real treat. It was so great to catch up with her and laugh about the old days, too. By the time we arrived we couldn’t stop laughing; giddy with exhaustion.

"Is this a pose?"

"Sass!"

We decided to stop for lunch at a rest stop somewhere…couldn’t tell you where exactly, but I wanted to snap a pic of each of us with the neat shadows from the slats around the picnic area. Well, I thought it was cool. While we both dressed for comfort, I think “Q” gets the style points today. I mean?! Blue suede boots and a matching blue paisley corduroy skirt?! Not fair! Ha-ha! But later when I told her to take a deep breath she said, “I can’t! My skirt is choking me!” out of context that sounds weird, but I assure you it was the funniest thing I’d heard all day at the time!

Mount Shasta from Hwy 5

"So tiny! It must be documented!"

I’d forgotten about “Q’s” tiny watch until after our dinner stop. Then I realized I’d made a big deal out of it’s tininess many years ago and, well, apparently I still couldn’t get over that shit and had to snap a pic with a quarter…for scale! I friggin’ love this little thing! And it is actually legible, in person.

Okay, enough silliness for one day. I’ll hopefully have more to share soon, but if I disappear for a bit, know that I’m happily lost in Fatlandia! 😉

Rad Fatty Love to you ALL!
<3
S

*Trigger Warning for Food Issues

I have not been taking very good care of myself. I have been trying but then I let things slide or drop or actually do myself a disservice or harm. Ugh!  I don’t know why I do it or how it starts but I am trying very hard, now, to not let it happen again.

I have been pushing myself and practicing everyday (except Sunday) for my dance number. I have some injuries that I’m having to work through and deal with, but that’s not really the worst part. The worst part is that I’ve been so busy and happy and excited and tired and caffeinated that I haven’t been eating. It’s ridiculous and stupid, but it’s the truth. There were at least four days last week where I didn’t eat any solid food (read: coffee and water) until after 8pm. And even then it was little things like a banana, a plum, a yogurt or a small salad or a single piece of chicken. There were other days where I later wondered if I’d have eaten at all had I not been around other humans.

I feel really dumb for allowing myself to neglect my body’s needs. My brain needs food to function properly. My body needs fuel to move and to heal. Now here I am just days away from my very first solo dance performance in over seventeen years and I feel unprepared. I feel afraid and ashamed. I keep seriously considering bailing out of it. I’ve never been a quitter, though.

I tell myself that I am losing sight of the point of it all: Joy! Dance brings me joy and gives me so much pleasure. So why put so much pressure on myself? Why become my own worst enemy? Why am I hurting my body while trying to connect with it at the same time? Doesn’t make a lick of sense if you ask me.

The thing is, I was doing really well! I was conserving as much as I could and trying to establish a sort of routine in my new life of constant job hunting. I was buying my favorite summer fruits and veggies and getting a kick out of making fun and randomly put together meals for myself and then *poof* it went away somehow.

Stress always makes me lose my appetite. I know this, I was working on staying calm and not thinking about things I can’t fix or take action on and just living in the present, staying mindful of how I felt. All that jazz. I guess I shouldn’t be analyzing “where it all went wrong” and should instead be facing forward and just doing better now and tomorrow.

But I do feel like I not only let myself down, but my community, too. It’s silly, I know! Again, more unnecessary self pressure. Ugh! How can I represent my community and be a better activist, writer, blogger, person…if I’m not taking care of my most basic needs?! So this is where I’m at.

I just want to hit the giant reset button and forget about my failures. I’m allowed that, right? Maybe I’m being so hard on myself because I don’t feel that I deserve the amount of happy I was feeling last week. It was a lot, lemme tell ya! I never felt like I should be allowed to feel so good without somehow earning it. I don’t know why I’m struggling with the things I am right now. Unworthiness about a lot of things, not least of which is being in love with my gorgeous boyfriend and all the happy he makes me. Why can’t I just accept and enjoy it?

Look, I’m hormonal and emotional and maybe tomorrow I will feel so silly for being so tough on myself. Maybe I’ve been spending too much time alone. I don’t know. I know that when this post goes live I will already be on the road to Portland and I hope this trip is everything I think it will be. I will be packing myself lots of snacks and fruits for the ride so I won’t continue this ridiculous disordered eating pattern. I fully intend to enjoy every moment I can and share it all with you, too!

<3
S

This week’s submission is by me, Sarah, this is my blog. Welcome!

Saturday was such a fantastic day! I felt like I’d won a gold medal or something, man. I was on top of the world! I had a fantastic job interview (though they later rejected my fat ass), got lots of stuff done, and got to walk my puggyman. I felt productive and good and excited about life! And the boyfriend and I were meeting some awesome friends for karaoke that night. Hooray!!!

I felt so fabulous that I did what any fierce fat femme would do: Get Dolled Up! Woo! And so I did! In a new dress, no less (from JCP?!) and even did a little something different with my hair and make up. Actually, this whole look is new for me! Don’t ya just love when everything sort of comes together like that? I do! I felt so good I half expected the paparazzi to start harassing me! Ha-ha!

So, here I am (if you click on the pics they get bigger), exercising my right to bare arms and be fabulous! Oh and that last pic is the bouquet bf sent me, since some peeps had asked.  And now it’s all opening up and blooming! Might have to take it with me to PDX! 😉

I always ask TTT submissions to include their own fatty philosophy. I guess mine changes as time goes by. I would typically say something along the likes of be you, stay true to you, listen to your gorgeous gut and give zero fucks about the rest. Right now I’m feeling a bit more like, do what feels right, stop worrying and just keep going. How’s that?! 😉

**************

I am always looking for submissions from anyone who wants to exercise their right to Bare Arms for future Tank Top Tuesday posts! Email your pics here: notblueatall@notblueatall.com, please include the name you’d like in the post, a blog or etsy shop you wanna plug, your thoughts on bare arms or other fatty philosophies. It does not have to be in a tank top, so long as your arms are bare. Have fun with it! And thank you to all who have submitted and continue to do so. These posts make my week! They are so fun and empowering, too! So keep ‘em comin’ and keep baring those arms!

I’m sort of in shock and very upset right now. I just received a voice mail about the job I interviewed for over the weekend. I was certain I had that job. They loved me, even said so! I nailed that interview! This is such crap! I don’t get it. They went with someone with medical experience, they said. Huh. That is really weird because this was not mentioned as a desirable or required thing in the job ad or mentioned in the interviews. They said they really want me for another position and I wouldn’t even have to interview for it, but that it won’t be open for another six months, at the earliest.

I’m sitting in my room right now hysterically crying. I feel blind sided. I was so fucking happy last week and most of the weekend and then, POW! That job would have been the answer to all of my problems and prayers. Now I’m just fucking terrified about the future. I really don’t know what I am going to do now. I had been floating on air (madly in love, I must say) and going about my life just bursting with positivity, all the while having complete faith that the universe would sort this out for me somehow. That things would work out or something would come through in the nick of time. Now? *Sobs*

I’m finding it all very hard to handle right now. I don’t know what I am going to do or what to believe. It is so hard to hear from those I love and love me how awesome and amazing I am and yet have door after door slammed in my fucking face! That job was perfect for me, the company owners even said so! Part of me cannot help but think it has to do with my fat body. I was very up front and forthcoming about my politics and they were so supportive. Perhaps it was just lip service and in the end the owner really didn’t want “someone 300 lbs at the front desk.” Funny that that was the weight he chose to set as the “too much” mark, eh? I was quick to inform him that I was 325 lbs, unashamed and even very public about it. Silly me.

Add to the above a heavy dose of hormones and excruciating cramps and I am not a happy fatty today. Even before I found out about the job rejection, I woke up feeling like rubbish and even tried to cheer myself up. My horoscope today said specifically to hit up antique stores, so I did! I found two vintage hats, a pair of white gloves with little pearls and some vintage hankies…all for a steal! I’m living on my credit card at this point anyway, might as well find a dose of joy in that.

I am going to disconnect for a bit and see if that won’t give me some space to heal. Sunday morning I checked my Facebook on my phone and soon found myself wrecked from the horrible news of the world. I couldn’t handle it. It was just all too much at once. It left me so afraid and fragile feeling. I was a shell of the girl I was only the night before. I felt so helpless and hollow. I was drained of all color and just sort of wilted in a corner somewhere, unwilling or unable to function. Determined not to stay in that state I got right up this morning and out of the house into the sunshine. Oh well oh well oh well.

BUT this week is also my trip to Portland and No Lose and road trippin’ with my bff “Q” and that is all that I want right now. I want to get the hell out of town and let all of the goodness of Portland and Fatlandia heal me and fill me with love. Being me, being awesome, and amazing isn’t doing me any favors right now. I’m sorry if that sounds ungrateful or fucked up, it’s just that doing all the “right” things isn’t getting me where I need to go or be. I’m at a loss. So in some ways this trip could not be better timed. Having said that, the end of the month is nearing and I do not know what that will bring. I was fortunate enough last month that my roommate paid my rent. My unemployment payments STILL have not arrived and I might actually be proper fucked this time. I don’t know. I have to just get out of here and come back and hope for the best.

I’m hopeful. I have that at least. And I have music and love. No one can take those from me! I have a room that is so me it’s kind of amazing and it smells like flowers because my boyfriend surprised me with a delivery of them last week (no one has ever sent me flowers, unfortunately that lead to my freaking out about it because a.) no card included b.) I’m paranoid as fuck, but I’m so grateful to have him and my friends and to just be otherwise happy and healthy. So why do I feel so devastated and low today? Another job rejection, yeah, but shit, that ain’t nothin’ new! Ugh! Something’s gotta come through, man. I did apply to be a paid plus size fashion blogger, it would be a struggle with such little pay, but it would be a dream as well. Fingers crossed for that, it’s all I’ve got pending at the moment.

I will try to keep blogging this week, but in case that doesn’t happen, know that I love you and I’m so grateful for your love and support! It means a lot to me. It keeps me going sometimes when nothing else can, ya know? And because I keep getting told to do this, if you’re so inclined as to want to donate to this blog/blogger, here is the paypal link for that. Please do not feel obligated to donate, your kindness and love is always enough. If you’d like to say something to me outside of comments, feel free to drop me a line anytime at notblueatall@notblueatall.com
Thank you so much for just being you. 🙂

Sitting here talking to myself, like ya do, “what the fuck to blog about?!?!” But then I realized, hey, let’s take this moment to just be, ya know?! I’m feeling really good, though not physically (just soreness), and I should sit with that and appreciate it. So, here I am, happy as a clam, just being okay and right with the world right now. 🙂

I’m trying to be patient with myself, doing my best to care for me and my recent injury (pulled hamstring I think). But I’m also cramming for a dance performance next weekend…so exciting and scary!!! I know I have been pushing myself and this injury a bit much but I also need to get this shit down so I feel more prepared and confident, ya know? Oh yeah…No Lose is next week!!!! I am so excited!

Not only is it friggin’ No Lose, the best fat thing ever, but it’s also in Portland, OR, one of my favorite towns on the planet! AND my bff is driving up with me! So awesome! I cannot wait to reunite with rad fatties from all over! I cannot wait to learn all the things in the workshops and dance all night and swim with the hottest fatties! I mean?!?! And then there’s my fave places in PDX to check out! Like Gustav’s! OMZ! Incredible German food, yo! And they have these blackberry margaritas?! Whew! But really, it will feel so good to reconnect with my activism community. I haven’t felt very involved lately and sort of unmotivated, too.

It’s kind of weird to feel like so good about life right now. Not taking it for granted for a second, though! I am really enjoying it! I’ve been spending a lot of time alone and enjoying that. This is not entirely new, but I’ve been taking care of things and considering new projects and getting in touch with friends and just like rocking my life right now! Woo!

Okay, yes, my “Special Geek” has been keeping me very happy, too. He’s the sweetest most wonderful thing! I was struggling for a long time with unworthiness and questioning (Does he really like me?! How could such a handsome, successful, smart guy like me?!) and all of that. No more! I’m just enjoying it and his company and having a blast along the way. 🙂

I’ve been revisiting things that have helped me in the past, too. Like Alan Watts! Or last night I put on Rain Sounds as I went to sleep. So lovely! Just trying to stay calm, keep the anxiety beast at bay and appreciate the absence of stress as much as possible. I mean, yeah, the money thing has been freaking me out. My roommate paid my rent for July and that was super hard for me to ask for/accept her offer to. But I have a bunch of interviews lined up and I’m stoked for it all! Plus my unemployment payments should start any day now (fingers crossed).

I just feel fulfilled right now. That’s awesome, right?! I feel like it’s not allowed for some reason, but I’m fighting off those feelings, too. Being so poor has also made my creativity and resourcefulness kick in, which is strangely fun in it’s own way. Like buying toiletries/necessities with my Amazon points (so it’s free! I have a visa that earns the points, so awesome!). And there’s this grocery store near me called Sprouts that has amazing deals on produce! I have been living on raw veggies, summer fruits, salads and dips! Ha-ha!

It also means that I’ve been spending almost all of my time at home. Not that I’m complaining. I’m getting really good at entertaining myself and have had some great conversations with my awesome roommate. I got to hang out with my dog for a few days/nights last week, too! He is the best thing ever! I’m just trying to appreciate everything! Ha-ha! I know I have been through some horrible shit and because of that I feel it necessary and healthy to try to keep these good feelings with me as much as possible. I’m sort of having a moment where I wanna shout from the rooftops, ya know? 😉