There is something very powerful in having a specific craving for something and satisfying it without any of those old, bad thoughts coming to haunt/taunt me. This week I’ve had immensely painful menstrual cramps, like more severe than usual and I always get a craving for red meat this time of my cycle, but I was so fatigued and in pain I just couldn’t manage cooking a meal. Monday and Tuesday nights I couldn’t even bear the thought of going out to get takeout! Yeah, it was bad times. But then Wednesday night when the craving just wouldn’t die I stopped at the grocery store on my way home from my first gel/shellac manicure (it’s interesting) I grabbed a two pack of steaks and headed home.

At first I thought, “WTF! I just have steak what am I going to make a meal out of?!” a quick search of my crisper proved fruitful as I had a forgotten bundle of asparagus in there that was surprisingly still fresh! That never happens, usually that shit goes slimy faster than you can come up with a recipe. Anyhoo, then a scan of my pantry produced my fave, quick-cooking couscous! Oh I love that stuff! The mushroom one?!?! Yum!

I readied my pans with oil and water, accordingly, and seasoned my steak and set the other aside for another day. I opened all of the doors, turned on the ceiling fan in my living room and went to it! In the end I had a very smoky but delicious smelling house along with two complete meals for about $10. Woot! I have to say though, when I sat down to eat and poured my A-1 sauce onto the plate and took that first bite, a wave of satisfaction washed over me and I just looked at my puggyman and smiled. I felt good! I didn’t think any of those yucky guilt-riddled thoughts that I used to. I didn’t have that moment of, “Do you need this much food?” or that type of nonsense. I had exactly how much food I wanted and needed and when I was full, I was done. No outside opinions required or requested. It was kind of wonderful. It was kind of powerful and awesome.

We all have moments of having a specific craving. I used to try to trick this craving by offering it other things, diet/chemical things, but you know what? Your body and your brain knows better!!! I cannot emphasize this enough. Even though I had had other and maybe similar in spirit things, my craving wouldn’t wane. The moment I took a bite of what I really wanted/needed, it was like AH! Finally! Ha-ha! Not that this is entirely new, but I’ll admit that it’s been awhile.

I’ve been struggling off and on with my eating habits this past year. I don’t mean just 2014, but the last twelve months. My emotional state leads to disordered eating patterns which creates worse emotional states and so on. Ugh! So, like, I know this about myself, but I have been hard pressed to actually do something about it. I think my job at “the fruit” helped with some of it. I had access to a variety of foods on a daily basis. This helped but then when that job ended I found myself home, alone and pretty much back where I started. Before that job, I had been out of work all summer, possibly the worst summer of my entire adult life, and depriving myself of food until I just couldn’t any longer, on a daily basis. It is stupid, because I know better. It is destructive, too. But when I’m stressed to the max and feel out of control of my own life, that is how I deal, I guess.

In my new job I have constant and unlimited access to snacks, beverages and foods of such variety that the first week I was afraid to touch anything. The poor kid in me still shamefully lurking, perhaps. Soon I realized that it’s not a big deal to anyone else but me and I began to relax and go with the flow. Now I’ve acclimated and feel fine about it all. I think it’s helped my circadian rhythm quite a bit. I cannot tell you what a huge deal that is for me. Not to say that my sleeping has been problem free, but it’s been so much better. Getting up at 6am for work has been a big part of that and eating breakfast everyday as well. I’m so lucky to have a job that provides breakfast. I really appreciate that! It’s forced me to eat breakfast on weekends, too. My body is just used to it and demands it now. What a revelation!

So why couldn’t I make those changes on my own? Why is my default self destruction? I can’t change the past but I can focus on the present and that is my plan for now. Tonight I’m planning on making my famous (not really) bbq pulled pork pizza. It’s the easiest thing ever! You just take some pizza dough, I grab mine from Trader Joe’s already made and ready to rock n’ roll. I pour some olive oil onto a cookie sheet to generously coat it and then toss a bunch of kosher salt onto that puppy before taking my dough and smooshing it into the sides and corners and evening out the rest. Then I take prepackaed/prepared bbq pulled pork and spread that all over the top and pop that sucker in the oven until the dough is done! I know I put something delicious and green on it last time but for the life of me I cannot remember what it was. It’s very tasty and satisfying, the oil-salt combo makes the bottom of the crust crispy while the inside is chewy, I love that! It will be the first time i’m making it for my fella, so fingers crossed! 😉

<3

S

I’ve written at length here about being your most authentic self and staying true to that. I won’t be disagreeing with my past self, but I think I’ve often overlooked the struggle we can find ourselves in when searching for who we truly are. We are expected to know what we want to be and do with our lives and asked ceaselessly throughout our formative years. Yet in those years we are not fully formed beings yet, at least not in my opinion.

At the ripe and juicy age of 36 I’m feeling more myself now than ever. I’m feeling more relaxed and comfortable in my own skin and have found that the more true I stay to just being me the better off I am over all. In fact I think it was simply by being myself, my whole and completely geeky self, that I landed my current gig. No lie! My proud exclamation of embracing my geek-hood was what set me apart from the rest (or so a coworker told me on my very first day).

I have stopped questioning why and if people like me, finally. Why did that take so long? Now I just go with the flow, even if it’s my own funky flow (Steven Universe Reference!!!). When faced with someone who insists that they will hate me (this was in response to my title and cheery-friendly nature) I simply said, “Bring it!” At this point, that’s pretty much where I’m at…Bring it!

Openly telling coworkers about my activism and dance performances and all of the things that have shaped me into this blob of awesomeness gets easier every time. I drop the f-bomb (FAT) like it ain’t no big thang, because to me that is true. The looks on their faces never gets old, I must say, always friggin’ hilarious! When a sweet and compassionate coworker asked about my blog I reluctantly showed her and then caught her very emotional after she read a link about WLS. She had no idea how awful things were for fatties, but I was glad that she was moved by the article. We talked a bit about it after and explained that by simply leaving the house many fatties are subjected to horrible abuses in the world for no other reason than their size. I later shared with her my dance performance from last year and cringed as I heard the music start and then felt chills wash over me as the steps all came back into my mind and I closed my eyes for a moment and almost wished Tigress was there beside me in motion. *Sigh*

And yet, I’m still learning. I hope the day I stop learning or stop wanting to never arrives. I picture myself 110 years old, in an art class with people of all ages, covered in drips of color and a sparkle in my eye that will never die. I cannot imagine, or perhaps I simply refuse to, being done with the beauty and wonders of this world. I’m am constantly surprised and dazzled as I look at my peers who mostly seem tired and jaded if not entirely bitter about everything. We all have our own path and it can be very difficult to trust that as the right thing. To see those we love venture off into the great unknown without our supervision, guidance or just a hand to hold. But then, is it really them that needs our hand or the opposite?

I guess human connection will always be vital to me. The warmth of a friendly embrace or handshake sends happy-sparkly impulses to my brain that makes me feel good and wanting to do more of that. Hearing someone else’s stories about their life can have me riveted to the spot, transfixed in the moment. I am learning to listen better and to be more present and to walk my own walk. It’s fun! Well, okay, it’s fun now. Starting stuff is rarely fun but once I get the hang of something it gets there. Ha!

I do recall a time when I felt beyond lost and sought out self help books like, “What should I do with my life?” which I read with great shame and covered the book in brown paper so as to appear as incognito as possible. Ha-ha! Did it help me find out what it is I should be doing with my life? Nope. But it did tell a lot of great stories about others who have and well, that’s nice. I don’t know that there is one thing I should be doing with my life in a specific sense. Rock star hasn’t happened yet as a career for me and no one’s yet willing to pay me to be my hilariously dorky self, so it is service that I stick with. I do and feel my best when helping others and so those are the types of jobs I have always had and may always have. Nothing wrong with that.

Now if something doesn’t feel right or sit well with me I try first to figure out what part or why and then listen to my gut and act accordingly. Sounds simple enough, but it isn’t always so clear. I spent so much of my life ignoring and distrusting my own instincts that it’s taken me perhaps longer than most to find and trust them again. I don’t think there’s a shortcut for this one, either and maybe that’s for the best. You can’t shortcut trust, especially when it comes to yourself. To simplify it would be to just say stick with what feels right to you, but then I guess we’d never leave our comfort zones and that would be a crime. It is when I have pushed myself out of my comfort zone that I have been rewarded and challenged most.

I had never previously deemed myself worthy of so many things that I now see how much I was holding myself back. No more! What is the point of that?! All of this soul searching and growing and learning and I can’t help but wonder what else I can do. I mean, I’m really completely happy right now. That doesn’t mean it’s time to stop doing all of the things that got me here, though. 😉

<3

S

So, I have a new job. My title is “Director of Happiness” and I am owning that shit, for real! I love it so far. I had been training in the San Francisco office the last three weeks. My home office will be much closer to my home, which will be nice because the 90+ minute commute is not fun. It’s a really awesome place to work and the people are amazing. It is only my second day in my home office and it’s been a challenge. I am committed and dedicated to cultivating and helping to create a more positive culture here, but it’s very different from SF.

I know I haven’t posted a thing in ages, but mostly that’s because I didn’t have anything to say or share. I also sort of feel like my last job put the zap on my creativity. I mean, I couldn’t even make my boyfriend a x-mas card! I tried, three times, and threw them all away. This isn’t a perfectionism thing, either. It was really awful! Other than a complete lack of creativity and a little bit of a rough patch, life is really good.

In fact, I’m kind of ridiculously happy, if not a bit tired, always. The bf and I are still going strong and he’s just the sweetest guy in the known universe. He got a little puglet a few weeks ago and that’s been great. Yes, it’s true, I’m a pug enabler/pusher, or so I’m told. Ha! I also have full time custody of my puggyman which has been quite an adjustment for both of us, but good none the less. He’s such a sweet little puggo and I truly cannot get enough of his snorgly love.

I often complain that I feel disconnected from my fat community and yeah, there’s a voice inside my head that says, “Then do something about it silly!” but I guess it’s more than just feeling disconnected. I am still feeling very hurt and betrayed, bullied and excluded and I’m still healing from all that happened last year. There’s so much I want to do, to cultivate and grow my local fat community. I still have not found a new venue for Fatty Affair, which is extremely frustrating. The bay area is a vast and varied place and apparently my original vision of creating a safe and fun space to grow the fat community in the south bay is a more difficult thing than I had realized. Well, I shouldn’t say that the growing part was difficult, more, accommodating that growth is the hard part. That’s a good problem to have, for sure, but it hasn’t made my search for a venue any easier. Certainly getting laid off unexpectedly didn’t help matters, but I am in a good place right now in my life (I have to pinch myself sometimes to make sure it’s not all some amazing dream) and I’d still really like to continue with Fatty Affair and it’s pure intentions of creating a positive space to celebrate body diversity. If you live in the bay area, please hit me up with any ideas or suggestions on how to make this work, always open to discuss! 🙂

Gosh, I’m not sure what else to say here. Being happy is not yet a comfortable place for me to be. Like, I can’t just relax and enjoy it. I’ve finally stopped questioning it, at least. It is a journey after all and not a destination. Having a job that focuses on the happiness of others really helps me remember to take care of myself better and to feel a sense of purpose and fulfillment in that, too. I know it’s sounds kind of fluffy, but I assure you it is also a lot of work and a constant challenge.

I do miss writing. I miss it quite a lot, but obviously I’m sort of at a loss about what to say. I mean, how the hell did I post five days a week for so long?!?! That seems so alien to me now. I forget what I used to write about and I suppose I could look through and see and even check the analytics about what was most popular, but that doesn’t feel natural, ya know?

So, what would you like me to write about? What would you like to see here? Fatshion pics? Dog pics? Stories of office life or other such daily things? Advice type things? I’m open to whatever, y’all, you gotta know that much! Ha-ha! So lay it on me! Tell me what’s on your mind! Should I just let this blog-a-ma-thing go?

<3

S

The week between x-mas and new year’s has been a time for comfort, indulgence, socializing and being with those I love. Only this was the first time in 15 years that I didn’t have any of that. It was stress, miss-communication, illnesses, heartache, disappointment and loneliness. I didn’t know how to cope! I didn’t have family to visit and my bffs were all either out of town or sick. I was beside myself and feeling so lost.

I know that I have come a long way in appreciating and enjoying my own company. Yet there are certain times when I know it’s best to be with those I love. When I felt myself falling back into depression I tried to do all I could to prevent it or at least lessen it. I asked my ex to bring over my puggyman. I’m not saying that pugs have magical healing powers, but they are made of unconditional love and snuggles and I needed all of that I could get!

A miss-communication with my fella left me absolutely terrified I would lose him. Long-time readers of this blog might know about my title, “Queen of TMI”, but my guy hasn’t experienced much of that until I went ahead and shoved my entire foot in my mouth! Oops! Never fear, we’re okay, all is healed and we’re still stupidly and madly in love with each other. It took some time apart, many tear-filled texts and emails, but our bond is stronger than ever. I sometimes think we must have these little hiccups in our relationships, not just the romantic kind, in order to grow and understand each other.

Facing NYE alone was a bit scary. Last year I had too many invites to even respond to and this year, zero. I had spent several days crying alone in my dark room. I was tired of it and knew I needed to get out! I heard that a local club was doing a red and black ball with 80’s/90’s music and I’d get in for half off with this card I have and so I went! My friend “L” ended up joining me and we had  a blast dancing the night away! At midnight I text my guy and he text me back and we were both so apologetic and just missed the crap out of each other.

Seeing my favorite fellas (puggyman included) so much has made me feel so good! And then today B came over to pick up an old t.v. I had and asked if I’d like to keep my little puggo permanently! I still have to talk to my roommate, but I tentatively said yes. Actually, as scary as it is, I’m super happy with this! I miss him so much sometimes and having my little puggy shadow has been so lovely. I’m calmer and less anxious and it helps that he has to keep a schedule, so I can’t get too weird with my own.

And tomorrow I have a BIG interview!!! I feel like I already have this job, but still, it’s in an exciting place doing something pretty rad and while the pay is less that I was getting at “the fruit” it won’t be full of awful jerks and it’s still local! Woot! Ha-ha! So, fingers crossed for me, okay? 😉 I have another position I’m waiting to hear back on, just have to schedule the in-person interview for that one, but the initial project for it was terrible! I managed, but it really pushed my limits.

This afternoon, after applying to all the jobs, I rewarded myself with the final episode of Downton Abbey from last season followed by the first episode of the new season. SO MANY FEELINGS!!! Oh my glob! I tell you what, this rarely happens and I may deny it later, but my ovaries are all a tingle! Plus caring for my little babyman?! I mean…?!?!? Ha-ha! I’ll just chalk it up to a great show and possible PMS!

I hope you all had a great holiday season and if not, well, at least we fucking survived it! 2014? I like a nice even number! I’m hopeful and excited for this year. I don’t have any resolutions or even revolutions, but I’m just trying to do what I must to get by right now. Managing my anxiety and trying to stay focused is taking a lot out of me these days. This blog post you’re reading right now is the most I’ve written since my last one. I might try some fatshion posts or selfies (Check out this blog’s Facebook page for other quickie pics, links and so much more!) or other random stuff just to get back into the swing of posting when I can. I don’t know how I used to post five days a week!

Don’t worry about the rest, just do you! 😉

Rad Fatty Love to All!

*Hugs*
<3
S

*Waves*

Hiya.

Um…so, I’ve been struggling.

Last week was pretty much awful and terrible and I fell into a dark pit for a bit. I am using past tense, but  the truth is that I’m not in the clear yet and really only starting to build myself up again. I had no idea the holidays would be so tough for me and so I was nowhere near prepared for it.