NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Laziness or Pain Mitigation

March13

This is the thought that occurred to me the other night whilst looking for a parking spot at the grocery store. I parked my car and began to gather my things (purse, keys, phone, bags) when I noticed the same car pass by me again and again, searching for a better parking spot? I wondered, but saw that there were several near where I had just pulled in. Then I thought, well, there are certainly days where even one close would be difficult, just getting through the store can be tough when my knee injury is acting up. And then it hit me, maybe what many perceive as laziness in others is really just them mitigating their pain.
Pain. It’s a touchy subject (pun!) but one that should be more openly discussed, I think. Whether it be an injury, chronic condition or simply soreness from activity or sleeping funny, we all live with some level of pain in our lives. How we go about our daily lives with this pain is a very individual experience. What seems like low-grade or typical pain for one person could feel like a gunshot to another. Truly, we don’t know what things feel like for other folks, even when it’s something universal like a bug bite.
I know there have been studies on the subject, but I won’t cite them here. I’m talking more today about lived experience over science. I mean, they can throw a thousand people into an MRI and see what parts of the brain are handling your pain, but to actually live with it is something else entirely. This is something I think wester medicine fails at. Pain management in the short term they can handle, throw some Vicodin or morphine around and most people will be happy for a little while. But what about people with chronic conditions that live with a high level of pain every single day of their lives?
Long term, pain killers can only do so much until they don’t do anything at all, or worse, create other issues. A western doctor won’t ask about your quality of life or if you’ve had to change everything to accommodate your pain. When you are in such a level of  pain on a day to day basis that you simply cannot plan things because you won’t know how you’ll be feeling a week or more in advance, heck even a day in advance, this is what I’m talking about.
I am no expert on anything, but I know many people who live with varying levels of pain and often it can take over their entire lives. How do you hold down a job when just getting up in the morning and walking to the bathroom takes every ounce of energy you’ve got and leaves you in tears? How do you explain this to an employer? Yeah, it ain’t easy! And yet, people live this way because they have to, I can guarantee nobody wants to!
Now I’m not saying all western doctors are bad, but if you also have the privilege of living in a fat body, well then it can be a minefield at best. You could be there, fully informed and prepared, but all they will diagnose you with is too much weight. Ugh! *EpicEyeRoll* Because of this many folks live with horrible pain without treatment or support. Or because of limited resources and access to things like health insurance, they can barely get by.
My boyfriend often asks me why America does certain things (he’s from Wales), often I simply reply, “Because they are dumb!” or some other such snarky thing. But for real? When he asks me why America forces sick people to pay for medical care I truly have no other answer. In my eyes, it is beyond dumb. It is shameful and awful! Yet this is the country that I live in. I’m not proud and you’ll never hear me call myself a patriot, but I don’t take my freedoms and rights for granted either. It’s a strange place, but I do love where I live. It’s complicated. Ha-ha!
I cannot speak to what it is like to live with chronic pain, but I can speak to my own lived experiences with pain management. Twice I have greatly benefitted from acupuncture. Once for back pain at a terrible job with an awful chair in an office that was colder than a meat locker (for no reason, ugh!). The second time was for a different knee injury, though I will start that again for my long term one for sure. These eastern doctors never mentioned my weight or weight loss or dieting. They never diagnosed me as fat. They were more concerned with my quality of life, how I cared for myself and things like sleeping and elimination habits. It was refreshing to say the least. I felt that they truly wanted to get to the cause of my pain and treat it rather than throwing some pills and brochures at me. I always felt cared for there.
Now I have access to a school for acupuncture and thus could afford to go even when I was out of work (I think the typical visit was $25). But there are other options, I know some places charge on a sliding scale or have community open clinics. I’m not saying it’s for everyone, but specifically for pain it has helped me a great deal and I would recommend it.
I also suggest massage for some things. Range of motion is a great one to work on with massage! My ex-husband is a massage therapist and while he was in school he would have to practice on me and the range of motion one was the most eye opening. You get to see and feel the results so quickly that you feel like it can’t be true! But it is and it rocks! I know many folks aren’t comfortable getting a massage for a number of reasons, but I think much of that is preconceived notions rather than actual experiences (not all, of course). There are many body positive therapists out there and I would ask them in advance of an appointment how much experience they have with a.) fat bodies and b.) people with chronic pain issues. Their response should give you all you need, but ask more questions if you’re left wanting. My point is that any reputable therapist should be willing to work with anyone and be happy to do so!
I have had a massage at the #2 spa in the country and the lady didn’t touch my fat arms once! They just hung down the sides of the table lonely and cold. The massage itself rocked, but c’mon! My point is that you don’t have to spend a fortune to get the care you need when it comes to these alternatives. It does depend on where you live, I realize, but ask around and you’ll surely find something awesome. I would not suggest going to a beauty salon that also happens to offer massage. I say this only because often it’s not someone fully trained or licensed and they typically won’t have experience working with a variety of bodies.
How people carry their pain differs, too. I was at NoLose last summer when my bff “Q” had noticed my limping. It was then that I realized that I was more relaxed and present in my body and thus more comfortable limping. I hadn’t realized that I was trying to hide my pain and attempted to walk normally even though it cause me more pain, just to appear normal. Ugh! So silly, but it’s something we all do from time to time. We do things or hide things to not make waves or raise questions. I noticed just this today at work, my right foot is in horrible pain (not sure if it’s an epic foot cramp or an actual injury at this point) as I was leading a guest to our drinks fridge that I was walking weird because of the pain, yet wouldn’t give in to a full limp. So stupid!
I guess my point in all of this is to be kind, to yourself and to others. We just don’t know what others are living with or going through and to be kind is almost always the right thing to do. And if you know someone who lives with pain or other chronic conditions, don’t ask them how they are feeling. Ask them what you can do to help! Not “can I help” or “do you need anything” because you will get a “no” 90% of the time. Ask WHAT you can do to make they day a bit easier/brighter. And trust them when they answer. They know what they need more than anyone.
Do you live with chronic pain? What are you struggling with? What do you wish others would understand? What support would you like from the fat community?
<3
S

Grace Blue

March11

Last Saturday while having lunch at an upscale mall my boyfriend and I were chatting and I had to explain that often such places make me very uncomfortable if not desperate to leave. “Nice stuff or places make you uncomfortable?” he asked, and I simply replied, “Yeah.” He grew up poor as well, but in another country, one with universal health care and other such services, but he didn’t understand why I was this way. I know why I am this way, although I don’t know why it is so inconsistent with me.

It’s part the poor kid in me, terrified to want anything in fear of some punishment or further shaming. I say further shaming because just being poor back then (early-mid 80’s) was shameful. It was a weight and a guilt-riddled thing I carried around with me until I got my first full time job and moved the hell out on my own. I began to see money entirely differently after that. I finally had a say in what I could or couldn’t have or should want. Yet even with my own money in my pocket I never ventured back to those fancy shops I knew better than to enter before.

While my income and financial status has waxed and waned over the years, my attitude about “nice” places and things doesn’t seem to correlate, at least not in a way I can see. I have had times where I insisted upon 4 star hotels without batting an eyelash because a.) I knew I could get a killer deal online and b.) because I could afford whatever that deal may be at the time. Other times it made no sense to be so careful when I’d saved up specifically for something (my honeymoon). I can’t say that I understand why this is or why I continue to struggle with it, but I do.
I know value and I know a bargain and those two things are not mutually exclusive. I know this and yet I always feel super gross if I buy something at full price or a name brand item, doesn’t matter what it is. I can never simply make a purchase online for something I want or need. I must first scour the internet for a deal, a coupon code or other such thing before I can even consider placing an order. I am the eBay Queen! The bargain Huntress! I have had an eBay/Paypal account for fifteen years!
One day whilst browsing through a random Nordstrom I happened upon the perfect bag. I fell silent, picked up the bag and carefully inspected it’s construction, compartments and straps and then finally, the dreaded price tag. When I saw the price tag I gasped, aloud. Then I saw the name brand and rolled my eyes and plunked that sucker down before the name Kate Spade could even leave my lips. Psshht! Uh uh, no way! $278?!?! “Is it going to balance my accounts and do my laundry?!” I said, jokingly as I walked away. But that bag haunted me. It was perfect! It was the perfect size and shape and style and color and well made, too.
I “visited” this bag a few times. At first this was a fun and joking sort of thing to do. “Oh! Let me go visit my bag!” I would tell my fella and we’d both giggle through the aisle until I saw it again. Then I would go home and scour the internet and hope to win a true eBay miracle, but it wasn’t meant to be. I finally decided that if I got a tax return I could maybe splurge and treat myself to that bag. Maybe. When purse after purse fell apart and left me wanting and sad I would daydream about that Kate Spade bag and sigh because I couldn’t even imagine ever spending that much on a silly bag. Who the hell did I think I was?!
When we went to that upscale mall last Saturday I was fine. We went into Nordstrom because my guy has been treated so well there and got a great deal on some Ray Ban sunglasses (they matched the Amazon price, yo!) when his Oakley’s were on their last legs. So we looked around and I love looking at the big statement necklaces and things. I’ve never actually looked at clothes there, come to think of it. Ha-ha! In any case, when we got to the area where the perfect bag resides I was suddenly very sad and irritated. “What am I doing looking at this stuff anyway?! I am sick of all of this bag business! I’ll just use a paper sack from now on!” I huffed and began to stomp off. “I think burlap could be quite nice!” my boyfriend said, attempting to lighten the mood (I think he thought I was still joking at this point but I know now that I’d reached my limit and was truly upset).
Material things do not make people happy. Health care and a solid and stable roof over one’s head, now that is happy making stuff! Possessions are fleeting and can cause great suffering. I know this and yet I find myself wanting things and then I get mad at myself for wanting anything. I’m constantly stuck between two if not four worlds. It’s frustrating to say the least. I was pretty much miserable that day, though the bag thing was only part of it. I’d spent money on something to help my sister and then while relaying that story to my guy he said, “Why did you do that? You’re too nice! You should have spent that money on treating yourself to that bag.” I knew it was true, but I felt awful either way. I really just wanted to help my little sister and didn’t even think for a second about that bag when I spent the money on her thing (CutCo).
The next morning he said he had some errands to run and would meet me at my place. Nothing out of the ordinary there. When he showed up an hour later (he’d said 30 minutes in his text) he said he’d bought me a present. This is nothing new, we often buy each other little gifts here and there. He handed me a box and began to explain how he hated to see me anguish over such things and that he wanted me to have it, “You deserve it Sarah. You deserve a treat! I wanted you to have your perfect bag.” I cried and cried and hugged and kissed him and yeah, it was one of those rare moments where he’s rendered me speechless (he’s been getting good at that, dammit!).
I still can’t believe that he got me that bag! I can’t believe I have that bag! It’s so beautiful! I’m afraid to even look at it for fear of getting it dirty! Ha-ha! And while I love it so much, I can’t help but feel guilty and unworthy. I know my guy would say I’m being ridiculous and that I deserve everything in the world (he’s the greatest), but my feelings are what they are and I’m just going to have to work through them. I’m certainly not returning such a special and thoughtful gift. I mean, even if I wanted to he’d be crushed if I did. I do love the bag. I feel like a fancy lady person with it on my arm. *Blush*
How do you deal with these issues? Has expensive gifts made you uncomfortable before? A friend once bought me a plane ticket to Seattle and I just couldn’t accept it. It was my dream to go back then, but it was just too much, I thought. He seemed to understand, but we are no longer friends so who knows. I would love to know how others handle such situations. Do you ever feel like running screaming from a building simply because it’s all fancy and shit and makes you feel like garbage through and through? Is that just me?
<3
S

Sunny Side Down

March10
What a weekend! I had so much going on this last weekend and such little energy to accomplish it all on. Whew! All in all it ended well, but it was a struggle. The truth is, I feel like I might be having a bit of an identity crisis. I didn’t have the words to explain it before, but I finally realized what was going on late Saturday night. There I was, surrounded by my nearest and dearest for the opening of J’s directorial debut and should have been having a blast, joking around and celebrating life, but I felt disconnected. It was like I wasn’t actually there but somehow watching it on television. I felt very far removed from myself and my friends. I was physically present, but mentally I was just trying to maintain composure.
I have said before that sometimes it helps to fake it until you “make it” but in this case, I couldn’t even fake it. I couldn’t even muster what it is that allows me to do my job even when I feel like dead ass. Nope. I just couldn’t do it. I don’t know that anyone else noticed my off behavior, but it felt obvious, palpable even, to me. Thank the stars my fella was with me the whole time, I must have crushed his hand with my grip of anxiety. I just didn’t want to be around people. All I wanted in the world was to hide away somewhere with my guy, alone. This is very strange for me, but it’s an urge I’ve been having more and more lately. After the show I waited to see everyone again but soon said my goodbyes and left. I just couldn’t deal with it all.
Earlier that day we were at a mall and I felt the same way only worse. I just felt overwhelmed and super sad all of a sudden. I didn’t know how to articulate how I was feeling or what I needed. I hate when this happens and it’s been happening more and more, well, on the weekend. Why is that? Am I becoming a weekend introvert? Is that possible? Not that I’m trying to socialize much during the work week, hardly! Ha! But I don’t know what this new anxiety BS is. Not Fun! My sweet guy does his best but when I can’t communicate it makes it difficult for us both. 🙁
When I finally put a finger on it I tried to explain it to him the next morning. All of the things I have tied my identity to in the past are basically gone. Most of the stuff I liked to do or was involved in or the people I used to hang out with, I just don’t anymore. My activism, many of my friends, even this blog…I’m just not as engaged and I don’t know where or if I fit in anywhere anymore. He smiled at me and grabbed my hand and said, “Oh Sarah, that’s how I feel everyday around people.” And I know he’s being honest. I guess I never knew what it actually feels like for him in that way. So yesterday we stuck a bit closer to our respective homes and played with the puppy a whole lot and I took him (the bf, not the puppy) to Walmart for the first time (upon request).
The weather was glorious! Which was beyond lovely, I think I really needed some sunshine. Not to rub it in folks faces, I know Californians are super spoiled when it comes to weather. But it was exceptionally nice and I spent much of my weekend sleeveless! (I really should have taken pics.) Sleeveless…In March?! Ridiculous! But we’re also in an awful drought and conservation is on everyone’s minds. Plus there was a 6.9 earthquake last night. I’m doubting folks are jealous of that part. Ha! It’s funny because I have heard people say California’s not habitable because of the heat and earthquakes but the truth is we have earthquakes all of the time and I’ve rarely felt them. I’ll take those over tornadoes and hurricanes any day! I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a baby when it comes to any extreme weather or temperatures, though.
Anyway, I’m feeling a bit better today, though I sort of have to considering work stuff and all. My coworker has some awesome oldies going which is helping my mood tremendously! Ahhh music! Always the best medicine! I’m mostly just tired, though I still have the lingering feeling of wanting to hide myself away. I don’t know that there is anything I should do or would want to do to “fix” such feelings. I think for now I’ll be mindful of them and not push myself too hard to break out of it and see where that takes me. I do have plans to see one friend today (yay!) and girl time on Saturday for pedicures. Woot!
I hope you all had a lovely weekend and that this post finds you in good spirits. I know this time of year can be difficult, especially if bad weather has been keeping you cooped up. *Hugs* You’re not alone! And if you just need an unbiased ear, hit me up: notblueatall@notblueatall.com

<3
S

Buzzz…

March7

My work event last night went well. Unfortunately I hit the caffeine beast a bit too hard yesterday with all of the hustle and bustle of setting up and managing the event that I couldn’t get to sleep until stupid-late. I woke up feeling extra tired as a result, but such is life. I’m wearing a cute new Torrid top today that is all black and white chevrons with a sheer top bit, I dunno, I’m excited about this top. Also, you ever just have a great boob day? Like, I keep looking down and thinking, “Nice!” Ha-ha!
To be honest, I’m not having a good day at all. I got pulled into a meeting that really doesn’t apply to me (don’t know if it ever will) and then as I was getting back to work at my desk most of the other admins all went out to lunch together. Not that I would have gone (too early for me) but it’s hella rude to not even invite me! I’m too tired to be truly upset by this, but I have little tolerance for rudeness and this just takes the fucking cake!
I cannot wait for 6pm! I get to see my fella tonight for dinner and tomorrow my bff Jery has his directorial debut with a local community theater rendition of Jesus Christ Superstar, which is a show I actually love! I wish he was in the show, too, but only because his Judas was so marvelous years ago. I have no doubt that his JCS will be just as great, but I do love to see that boy sing and dance! 😉
I can’t believe it’s daylight savings time again already. It just feels wrong! It should be in April, right? Oh well. I’ll squeeze sleeps in somewhere, I guess. I keep feeling like I’m forgetting things, even when I’m not. It’s frustrating and it makes me doubt myself and that’s no good. Work has been taking so much of my time I’m feeling a bit lonely. Like, I don’t have folks to just chat with there. I eat my lunch alone, usually with my phone. Though I keep meaning to finish a book I have in my car. 
I keep hearing this phrase, “I don’t have the bandwidth for that” and surprisingly I’d never encountered it prior to this job. Funny enough, I don’t think I’ll use it myself, at least not for work stuff. I guess it’s more personal life stuffs that make me feel that way. I felt awful when my sister wanted to call me last weekend and had asked for my help but I just didn’t have a moment to spare. Last minute stuff is really hard when you get booked up with things, but mentally it’s an even bigger challenge for me. I just don’t always have the capacity or energy to handle things that pop up lately. I guess I’m always trying to find a name for “what’s wrong with me” even when there probably isn’t a thing “wrong”. Ha-ha!
Well, it’s late in the day and I’m tired enough to chance a coffee. Wish me luck! 
 
<3
S

Processing…

March6


A big part of being the Director of Happiness (my job title, btw) is knowing how to direct my own happiness so that I can do a better job of supporting the rest of the office. This has forced me to see happiness in many different ways and perspectives. Happiness is so much and yet so little all at once. Certainly what makes one person happy won’t apply to everyone. I know that what makes me happy changes in a given day or hour or moment. I have also seen how what I want and need to be happy has sort of shrunk and my world has simplified. It feels good this way, most of the time.  But I had a miscommunication with some loved ones that left me a wreck and suddenly I didn’t know how to calm down or snap out of it.
As it turns out, simplifying my life has made me more vulnerable and I wasn’t prepared for that. I also wasn’t aware of just how much quiet-me-time I want and need to feel good. When my words were misconstrued I apologized and tried to communicate my feelings, but again my words were misunderstood. So now I feel a great need to pull away and not socialize or talk to folks and while part of me is saddened by that notion (the extrovert in me no doubt) there’s also a sense of relief. I have to wonder if this simplification and withdrawing is also possibly the control freak/protective part of me standing in the sunshine and glory of that concept.
Damned if I do and damned if I don’t. If I grow fearful and willfully silence myself I feel sad and small and out of control. If I continue as usual I seem to hurt people no matter how careful I speak or choose my words. What to do? I did some soul searching. My roommate did her best to lift me up when I was nearly hysterical with tears. She’d never seen me that way and it disappointed her how much it all made me doubt myself. She said that she and her friends were in awe of the confidence I exude, but there I was, ugly crying, snot strings and all. And then in a moment of calmness, I was looking away from her, she said I looked just like Drew Barrymore. Ha! Flattery will get you nowhere, but it did make me blush and almost smile.
The next morning I felt better, but after so many hours of crying, I needed to feel better. There was nothing I could do to fix things. I had apologized and did my best to explain, but in the end I needed to just stop and give space where it was so obviously needed. If I continued to engage I would have made things worse and prolonged what was, to me, not going anywhere. And so it is with great reluctance that I’ve accepted invitations and pug and boyfriend snuggles that smoosh back together all of my broken bits. Simplify – Happiness.
It’s not that I don’t want to see my nearest and dearest, I do very much so, but it’s difficult. It takes me time to process my feelings and if I don’t have someone to talk it out with it takes even longer for me to process things. Ultimately, I think this is what lead to the bigger miscommunication. Feelings of jealousy and of being left out turned into thinly veiled and snide remarks that I am not proud of. My apologies were neither accepted or acknowledged. Because I knew I wasn’t communicating my feelings properly I bowed out. Maybe not the best thing in the moment, but I couldn’t handle any more wrath I might evoke had I continued.
Directing my own happiness also means letting go of old notions I had of things and going out of my way to learn how to do them differently. This may sound random, but my skin was not happy and I didn’t know what else to do about it. Luckily I happened upon a Groupon and got a fantastic deal on a facial. I have spent $100 on facials (each visit) and this one was $19 and it was the best one I’ve ever had (it was at the academy for salon professionals in San Jose). They did a skin analysis and were concerned with how red my skin was. I thought it was just my complexion (forever red) but they said it was irritated or enflamed. Instead of an extraction (they insisted there was nothing to extract, which I found very hard to believe) they wanted to focus on calming and balancing my skin and it felt amazing! I ended up buying nearly an entire line of products (Dermalogica Ultra Calming) but after trying it on my own this week I think it was a wise investment. Not only did my boyfriend notice a different right away, but my coworker also noticed the improvement and began asking about my secrets. Ha-ha!
Tonight is the first community event I’m hosting at work and while it’s small and informal, I’m a little on edge. I’m sure it’ll be fine, but because I’m new and coordinating this stuff for the first time I am just a bit nervous. I look hella cute, but hey I also had extra time to get ready since I didn’t have to be to work until 1pm. Woot! I’ll see if I can get a pic for ya! 😉
Thank you all so much for your support and encouragement as I continue to struggle on my journey. You’re an inspiration to me and your comments and emails help so much, you have no idea. So hit me up! notblueatall@notblueatall.com
*BigFatSquishyHugs*
<3
S
ETA:
photo 1

 

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