Sometimes I encounter someone so invested in diet culture, so tortured and beat down by it, so overwhelmed by their own existence in a non-conformitive body that it just breaks my heart entirely. And isn’t it always the way, when this person is beautiful inside and out and can’t see it in themselves?! What’s worse is when they are highly intelligent and skilled and seemingly in control of every other aspect of life? And yet…

“So I was at my weight loss meeting the other night…” She said to me at the front desk (I’m filling in up there until we can hire a new receptionist). I give a gentle sigh in response, rub my eyes and before she can continue, say, “Ugh, I’m so sorry! I’m still not fully awake yet. I woke up with the worst headache. I hope you’re feeling well today, you look great!” She seemed visibly shaken by this sudden change in conversation and just smiled, and as more people entered the tiny lobby, she shuffled away. I felt bad, but I couldn’t allow this dialogue to enter my already compromised brain.

This is how I handle many of these situations, changing the subject or the focus as best as I can, especially when I don’t know the person or it’s a mixed or work situation. I’m not “out” with my fat activism at work yet, though I’ve dropped the occasional hint. It doesn’t mean I welcome the diet talk bullshit!

It’s difficult, to be certain. It’s not easy for either of us in this instance, but I also feel as though she may be attempting to bond with me in that “don’t all women hate their bodies” sort of way. I hate that shit! I love that someone would want to bond with me, but just not in that way ever! In more confident moments or well acquainted groupings I would be more direct and explain that “we are all perfect just as we are right now! Stop punishing yourself for not being something none of us can ever be!?” and some other such things, but it’s not in me. Not this week, not today, and not at work…yet.

The tougher part of this is that I’m in charge of taking photos of our new hires for our massive employee photo wall and she’s evaded having hers taken four times now, today will be the fifth. I want to tell her that she’s othering herself by avoiding the photo, that’s it’s only a head and shoulders shot, and wouldn’t it be best to just get it over with anyway?! But I feel her inner pain, it shows on her face when she smiles at me each time she encounters my very fat body. I have felt that pain myself and for many years, avoiding any situation that involved a camera.

I want to hug her and reassure her and explain that there is another way to live your best life! That you don’t have to put a damned thing on hold until you lose weight! You can be a Diet Industry Dropout and live a healthier and more fulfilled life at the same time! But such notions feel radical and I fear being too aggressive, making her feel bad, or getting hurt myself somehow. There’s no easy way to handle this shit.

Every time she grabs a hard candy from the dish at the reception desk she makes self-shaming comments to me about how awful it is and how she must do and be better. I counter this, as I have on many such occasions, with my love of reading interviews of the oldest people in the world and how they all seem to eat bacon, smoke cigars or drink whiskey and just try to enjoy the life they have right now and not worry over every little thing. People tend to chuckle at least at the thought, if not laugh heartily at the absurdity of modern stresses.

Seeing her in the kitchen, faced with too many choices, it’s apparent that the world is but a giant “NOT FOR YOU FATTY” sign to her, though her frame is so much smaller than my own. It seems to physically overcome her as her posture drops suddenly as she slinks away with her snack of choice to a secluded corner of the office to work. I want to tell her it’s okay! There’s no moral value to food. Feed thyself, woman! Ha-ha!

I don’t know her. I don’t know her life. But somehow in small mannerisms, turns of phrase, or how one holds themselves it’s all so unbearably familiar. I remember being the corporate office fatty who never felt okay or comfortable ever, while the world never thought a thing was out of place. Because of this I want so badly to offer love and rad fatty support to her, but at the same time feel terribly selfish about it, too. Not that I’m seeking credit or points or whatever, just that, well, sometimes it’s not the right thing to do to approach someone about such things. I am not sure how I would have handled someone mentioned fat acceptance/liberation stuff to me before I discovered it on my own. It’s very personal and while obvious to me, probably not as obvious to most straight sized folks around the office, ya know? I definitely don’t want to make her feel worse! So, I am for now choosing to let it go and just try to be my usual friendly self. But how to get that photo taken care of?! (It’s a big part of the company culture.) I think I’ll wait until she comes in very dressed up (she always looks fab and has a great sense of style) and make a fuss about the perfect day for a photo! Maybe? No? UGH!!!

Rad Fatty Love,
<3
S

P.S. Will you be in Oakland tomorrow for Cupcakes & Muffintops?! I’ll be there about noon, I hope to see you there! Say hi!

I’m looking for guest posts!!! Please consider submitting!

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (body positive always, funny sometimes):
http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS  Or get the same “shared” content on twitter: @NotBlueAtAll
I also have an Instagram, I rarely use it but would like to more…encourage me to?:
https://instagram.com/notblueatall/
And as always, feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers:
notblueatall@notblueatall.com
If you would like to give money to support this blog via paypal, you may do so here: http://bit.ly/1P2cZgO

Ohmigosh! I was randomly clearing out some old email folders today, I don’t even know why, but my head is now spinning from a combination of nostalgia and heartache and laughing at silly mistakes (as in people) I’ve made and holy shit you guys?!?! I used to own and operate a cafe all on my lonesome! How did that even happen? It feels like a lifetime ago! I cannot imagine trying to undertake such a task as that now. Whew!

I found poems and song lyrics I’d written and was even impressed with some of it. I came across exchanges with cherished friends and some who have chosen to think the worst of me, too. Pictures of yesterdays and yesterdays gone by and whoa life is fucking nuts! I can’t say that I have any regrets, though I do miss having the ability to write at my former level of quality and care.

I came across the first several conversations my bf and I had on OkCupid that I’d saved! Adorkable! Then I found the notes I used to write to myself after our dates. Ohmigosh! Ridiculous! I can’t believe how the time has flown by!

It is incredible to me now how I can look back at specific instances with absolute clarity as to what went right or wrong. I know they say that hindsight is 20/20, but this is almost spooky! It is so perplexing to me (now) that we can have people in our lives whom we love with all our hearts, friends and lovers and family and whatnot, and spend so much time trying not to annoy or hurt or piss them off, that we end up never living the lives we always wanted to or thought we’d have. We end up side stepping our paths and get to a point where you finally look around you like “WTF! This isn’t what I want at all!” And all because we’re too afraid to be vulnerable with one another, let alone just with ourselves.  It’s not worth it, I can tell you that for a fucking fact! We have to tell each other what we want. We must stop assuming what is best for others or what their wishes might be. ASK! We’ve stopped communicating in real and open ways, I think.

Not that I’m saying all of this from the peak of perfection, hardly! But shit if I can’t look at a past version of myself and want to shake her and say, “Fucking say something!!!” And it’s a truly bizarre feeling to know and see these past versions or iterations of oneself. To know the thoughts I had in my head then and how differently I would handle the exact same situation now. *ShakesHead* Life! That shit is nuts!

I can honestly look back and see just how truly lucky and blessed I have been, and still am, by the people who have come into my life, for whatever reason or cause. I know that mine is not a friendship that can be taken so lightly, that I’m an acquired taste. I can push people away and hide myself away from those I care the most for. I see in this digital archival dig a clear line of evolution (one might call maturity *scoff*). Not just in photos, but in writing style mostly, how I lacked the confidence to express myself or to even use certain words. It seems so silly now! I held myself back from so much, yet there’s no doubt in my mind that had anyone pointed that out at the time that I would have protested and stamped my feet and insisted the notion an insult! Ha-ha!

As for current me, version 5.2? I’m good. I’m happy, mostly. I love my job and the people I work with. Been having troubles with my sleep, but I’m getting back on track, little by little (I must have slept strangely last night, I have a horrible crick in my neck!). My poor puggo has been having tummy troubles that are starting to worry me. I swear, we get one thing taken care of and something else must go wrong. Poor little guy! He’s a happy little baby, though.

I’ve been reading on my train ride to and from work everyday, which has been lovely! I love my kindle! I go through books so quickly on it! I just finished Uncle Tom’s Cabin and started Sense and Sensibility yesterday. So good! 12 years a Slave was excellent (and only fifty-six cents on Amazon)! Haven’t had much time or energy for much else lately, to be honest. I come home pretty damned tired and if I can cook dinner for myself, well, that’s a victory!

This Saturday is Cupcakes & Muffintops! I wouldn’t miss it! It’s the fat event of the season! A true bay area tradition for me! And really, looking back on the last ten or so years has only proved how special and important fat community is for me. I’ve made so many friends and have been able to connect and be inspired by others, it’s a beautiful thing!

I never could have imagined the life I have now, but looking back it’s a funny thing to see where life has lead me. Looking forward to so much more to come!

Rad Fatty Love to ALL!
<3
S

I’m looking for guest posts!!! Please consider submitting!

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (body positive always, funny sometimes):
http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS  Or get the same “shared” content on twitter: @NotBlueAtAll
I also have an Instagram, I rarely use it but would like to more…encourage me to?:
https://instagram.com/notblueatall/
And as always, feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers:
notblueatall@notblueatall.com
If you would like to give money to support this blog via paypal, you may do so here: http://bit.ly/1P2cZgO

So yeah, employment is rad. It’s a real thing! I has it! Ha-ha!

3 weeks of proper full time employment under my belt and it feels good. I won’t disclose where I work exactly, but I can tell you that I’m an administrative assistant on a business operations team for a San Francisco startup and I love it! Everyone is soooooo great! And maybe it’s just my way, if you will, but I swear everyone is so good looking, too! Ha!

I have been struggling with my own adjustment period as far as my body is concerned. I have a train commute which took awhile to figure out my best options for. And my body has not been kind to me or maybe me to it? I had the dance show my first week with rehearsals to boot. I was in so much pain pretty much constantly. This happens but the added stress of new job and commute was tough. While the walking distance from the train to my office isn’t bad at all (two city blocks), the overall stress of being in this big ass city can overwhelm at times. And I’m no newb to SF, but as a daily routine it’s a bit of a shock to the old system.

For one thing, everyone walks so fucking fast! Like, they will mow you down and never take their eyes from their phone screens! Zero kindness, manners or friendliness on the city streets out there, but I can hardly blame anyone when it smells like an open sewer all of the time! Whew! It’s okay in the train station but the moment I get off the train I get a big waft of Subway bread smells (not terrible per se but not great ether) and once at the crosswalk, sewer smells. Blegh! And everything is under construction! Nothing but gravel, construction equipment and giant steel plates everywhere with things barricaded or fenced off. It’s a small part of what I must walk through twice a day but it has an impact. And everything just feels super dirty and covered in grime. Like thick black greasy dust? I dunno…it’s just gross and I don’t know how anyone can wear flip flops or open toed shoes in the city but they do. I do not. And I am so over walking through people’s second hand smoke clouds.

Actually, my feet have been the worst! Random inexplicable swelling and near-constant pain in my left foot (underside, outer bit). I thought I had plantar fascia-itis (sp) at first, but now I don’t think so.  My knees were really terrible the first two weeks but have since improved. I’d been going to bed with ice packs for the last few weeks but finally didn’t need to as of Friday. Woo! Though I must be more careful about my back when moving furniture at work. Some things are harder to learn than others, I suppose.

Another big adjustment of course is just having an actual schedule again! Getting up at 6am and all has been not fun but it does force me to be more responsible about my bedtime. I’m still coming home so exhausted I can barely think let alone cook but I’m hoping this will improve as well.

I’m quite happy with the job itself and my team! My boss is so cool it’s unreal! By cool I mean she randomly caught the Buzzcocks live while on a business trip a week ago. *MindBlown* Like what?!?! Yeah, she’s amazing! My coworkers are rad and there’s always dogs running around the office. I’m very lucky to be there. I’m starting to remember why it is that I have the professional reputation that I do! I am still carrying and healing from all of the trauma from my last startup job. Ugh! I still have fucking nightmares about those assholes. When my awesome new coworker asked to see me in the hallway my stomach dropped! I thought to myself, “This is it! It was all a mistake and they want me gone asap!” but no, she just wanted to show me where some cool stuff was. Ha-ha!

I had really hoped to keep writing and posting here and maybe that will come. I have a couple of ideas but seriously I’m brain dead by the time I get home at night. I was also super mega hoping that I’d have like a stack of guest submissions to post to spread out the gaps and fill in with some rad fatty content (I seriously get so inspired by y’all!). Alas, that did not happen. Of course I do realize that this is my blog and my responsibility, but I also really miss the days of Tank Top Tuesday and other fun things folks would submit to post here.

So, please consider guest posting, submitting a pic for Tank Top Tuesday or a fashion thing or whatever! I’m open to nearly anything! So lay it on me! I dare ya! 😛

Rad Fatty Love,
<3
S

I’m looking for guest posts!!! Please consider submitting!

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (body positive always, funny sometimes):
http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS  Or get the same “shared” content on twitter: @NotBlueAtAll
I also have an Instagram, I rarely use it but would like to more…encourage me to?:
https://instagram.com/notblueatall/
And as always, feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers:
notblueatall@notblueatall.com
If you would like to give money to support this blog via paypal, you may do so here: http://bit.ly/1P2cZgO

It’s 11:00 pm PST and I am in shock!

After nearly 1 year and 1 month (5 days shy)…

I’m officially EMPLOYED!!!

I just wanna thank those who have been cheering for me and praying for you and encouraging me and just being there through this difficult period. It lasted much longer than anyone could have ever predicted. I really didn’t know what would become of me. But I never gave up! I kept at it and shit if stubbornness doesn’t pay the fuck off eventually! Ha-ha!

I start on Tuesday, in the big city, at a startup. This will certainly be an interesting endeavor! I’m ready, darling…bring it!

Talk about Thankful As Fuck?!?!??!?!?!

I am thanking my lucky stars and the moon above, too!

*******************************************************************

What are you feeling Thankful AF for/about today? Lemme know in comments!

Do you have something to say about fat acceptance/fat liberation? Have you been wanting to start a blog but afraid to take the plunge? Consider guest posting at NotBlueAtAll.com! We all have a story to tell. Share yours! Or maybe you’re great at reviews or have an independent business you think my rad fatty readers would enjoy…let me know!

For submissions:
Please include the name you’d like used for the post (I will often thank the poster or comment about the story at the bottom of a submitted post). You’re welcome to include something you’d like to plug like an etsy shop, event or other such things. Posts submitted by individuals are always free, but businesses will be charged a fee based on the type of post they’d like to submit. Please also consider submitting a photo of yourself, even if the post isn’t about you specifically. People love to see pics of other awesome people, simple as that! For outfit pics, please include sizing for reference as well as links or retailers where readers may procure their own goodies to shop your style!

We love newbies to fat community as well as tried and true rad fatties. This blog is a safe space for folks to share their stories, celebrate themselves and their journies, and connect with one another. This is an open minded and respectful environment where we may disagree but are never mean to one another. Please refrain from any negative body talk, diet talk/discussions, or any negative judgements. Have fun and Enjoy!

Rad Fatty Love,
<3
S

I’m looking for guest posts!!! Please consider submitting!

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (body positive always, funny sometimes):
http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS  Or get the same “shared” content on twitter: @NotBlueAtAll
I also have an Instagram, I rarely use it but would like to more…encourage me to?:
https://instagram.com/notblueatall/
And as always, feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers:
notblueatall@notblueatall.com
If you would like to give money to support this blog via paypal, you may do so here: http://bit.ly/1P2cZgO

Last week the band DNCE released a new video for the song “Toothbrush” featuring singer Joe Jonas and plus size model Ashley Graham playing a couple.

Jonas said, “We’re doing cool stuff in bed. We had the beautiful Ashley Graham in the video. We just got to make out and roll around on each other all day,” he told E! News “It was a man’s dream come true.”

Graham – famous for her curvy figure – was handpicked by Jonas to star in the video and largely appears in underwear and a t-shirt, in bed with Jonas.

Taking to Facebook, one fan wrote: “Thank you so much for putting Ashley Graham in the video and representing curvy women all over the world.”

Fans said:
“Honestly this video made me so happy, thank you Joe Jonas for having Ashley Graham play your love interest. It’s not just showing that not every girl in the music videos has to be thin and have big boobs and butt, it shows a normal, curvy girl.”

While another added: “Thanks you so much for showcasing beauty at all levels, for all shapes and sizes. Mainstream media has taught me to feel ugly and unhealthy, leading to very low self esteem for most of my life. You are helping young girls everywhere by changing the message.”

In an interview with Billboard, Graham said the comments were inspiring, and “reminds me why I work so hard to challenge conventional beauty standards”.

“So often we see the typical ‘video girl’, who’s definitely not a size 14 or 16. It doesn’t accurately portray what our world looks like, especially because the average-size woman is a size 14. It’s really important that all industries celebrate diversity, especially diverse body types,” she said.

And here is where I start to have a problem with all of this. Ashley Graham was recently on the cover of Sports Illustrated. In an interview about that cover she said she hated the term plus size, deemed it outdated, because she hates labels, while also calling herself a “body activist” which is vague and I haven’t heard in that way before, but I suppose anyone can be.

“I DON’T LIKE THE TERM ‘PLUS-SIZE.’ IT’S JUST NOT HELPING WOMEN. I’M READY TO GET RID OF IT. IF YOU HAVE TO LABEL ME, I LIKE TO BE CALLED ‘CURVY — SEXYLICIOUS.'”

“WE’RE IN A GENERATION OF WOMEN EMPOWERMENT – AN ERA WHEN YOUR GENDER, YOUR SIZE, AND HOPEFULLY SOON, YOUR RACE WILL NOT MATTER AT ALL. THAT, TO ME, IS SEXY.”

Firstly, Ashley Graham is a MODEL! She’s not the average woman. I do understand that the modeling industry is different than the actual world in that someone of Ashley’s size is deemed plus size, but to most people she would be seen as simply beautiful. In the video with Jonas she appears equal to him in size for the most part. Maybe a bit of an Amazon, but fashion runways aren’t inclusive of shorties or even average height models. Old news, for sure. But the internet was a-buzz when this DNCE video premiered with how revolutionary it was for her to be in it.  I just can’t get behind that. There is nothing revolutionary about a model in a music video.

Ashley Graham doesn’t represent fat women, plus size women or anyone else but herself, in my opinion. I don’t look up to her and I honestly don’t think anyone should. I’m fat. She is not fat. A 30 inch waist is not revolutionary! (Her listed measurements: 42-30-46) You want revolutionary show me a video with Gaborey Sibide making out with a Jonas brother! Show me an example of the girl being bigger than the boy and still having a fucking blast! Normalize something we never get a chance to see! Show me large confident men grinding and smiling with one another! Show me differently sized and aged bodies! Show me something we haven’t seen before!

Not liking labels is all well and good but that’s not the world we live in. We live in a world where Ashley Graham is seen as something new and different when she’s really not.

Melissa McCarthy has supported Ashley Graham’s call to end the term “plus-size”, saying it is an example of the “obsession” with categorising women. McCarthy said: “I so look forward to not always categorising. I think we categorise and categorise and I don’t think it’s done so much with men. And, by ‘I don’t think’, I mean it’s not.”
Speaking about her recent clothing line, “I make clothes for women. I think just chip away at it and stop making it a thing. I’m trying with my line, any time someone says ‘you make a plus-size line’, I just correct them and say ‘I make clothes for women’. I’m not making a plus-size line, if a plus-size store or if a store of certain sizes buys them that’s what’s going in there. But I’m just making women’s clothing, there is an obsession with categorising.”

The problem there is that she’s selling those “clothes for women” at Lane Bryant…A plus size clothing store! And any fatty can tell you what their smaller friends think or know about good ole LB (hint: not much but it ain’t positive).  And trying to find clothing in plus sizes at a department store is always difficult. Taking away the categorization of clothing is a nice thought but logistically a nightmare. As it is we’re relegated to dark corners, basements, sparse racks bordering the maternity section without its own designation or signage.

I suppose in the age of instagram and snapchat, seeing a Jonas brother with a not tiny-skinny-model-actress feels revolutionary for some, but that just depresses me. Why I want what has never been before, well, I dunno. Seems irrational, I guess. But I have a teenage niece who sees this shit. Luckily she’s not into this kind of music but what she is into, as far as body diversity (or any diversity imo) goes it’s worse. There’s so much pressure to fit in and conform and while the intention behind including a plus size model in the DNCE video is up for debate, revolutionary it isn’t.

What are your thoughts about this? Maybe I’m missing something, let me know in comments!

Mull it Over Monday
What’s on your mind? What pisses you off? A new take on an old issue? This could be political, personal, social, body related, you name it!

For submissions:
Please include the name you’d like used for the post (I will often thank the poster or comment about the story at the bottom of a submitted post). You’re welcome to include something you’d like to plug like an etsy shop, event or other such things. Posts submitted by individuals are always free, but businesses will be charged a fee based on the type of post they’d like to submit. Please also consider submitting a photo of yourself, even if the post isn’t about you specifically. People love to see pics of other awesome people, simple as that! For outfit pics, please include sizing for reference as well as links or retailers where readers may procure their own goodies to shop your style!

We love newbies to fat community as well as tried and true rad fatties. This blog is a safe space for folks to share their stories, celebrate themselves and their journies, and connect with one another. This is an open minded and respectful environment where we may disagree but are never mean to one another. Please refrain from any negative body talk, diet talk/discussions, or any negative judgements. Have fun and Enjoy!

Rad Fatty Love,
<3
S

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (body positive always, funny sometimes):
http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS Or get the same “shared” content on twitter: @NotBlueAtAll
I also have an Instagram, I rarely use it but would like to more…encourage me to?:
https://instagram.com/notblueatall/
And as always, feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers:
notblueatall@notblueatall.com
If you would like to give money to support this blog via paypal, you may do so here: http://bit.ly/1P2cZgO