We’re smack in the middle of the week between Xmas and NYE and the volume of the whole “New Year, New You!” bullshit has gone from a tolerable din to a raging dischord-symphony. UGH! I want to smash it all! I don’t do resolutions, I don’t do goal setting, and I don’t fuck with diet culture! NOPE!

What I have always strived for is simply to live a life of my own choosing. Being and (always) becoming my most authentic self. So when we start with the whole “New Year, New You!” bullshit, what feels gross to me is the implication that there is something inherently wrong with us/me/you. Fuck that!

If I feel that I want or need to make a change in order to set myself up for a more authentic life, then I just will. I don’t need a date or a commercial or a book or a new workout fad to make it happen. Of course it’s totally okay and fine to try new things, but I ask you to explore one thing: for whom these things are done?

The importance of this cannot be overstated: For whom is this for? Because if it isn’t for yourself, what else are you compromising or missing or holding yourself back from enjoying?!

Whispers of, “It’s for your health” and “I love you and I just want you to be healthy so you can live longer” all sounds nice, but if anyone gave an actual shit about your health and well being they wouldn’t attempt to make you feel like shit with this passive bullshit to begin with. If you do have people in your life passive aggressively “motivating” you to do these things, ask them what it is they are attempting to make you feel and compare that to how it actually makes you feel. Is it shame?  Is it guilt? Is it that they think something is wrong with you and feel it’s your responsibility to “fix” yourself? Because fuck that and fuck them!

Think about your day to day life. When you wake up in the morning, what are the first things you think about? What are the first things you do? For whom are you doing these things? What thoughts or actions are you suppressing or ignoring because of someone or something else?

You have to live your life for you! You cannot be your most authentic self if you’re holding yourself back from what your heart desires!

You deserve better! If there’s things in your life you want to change, do it for you! It is your life, no one else’s!

“I want many things, sure, but most of all I want to be and feel loved and special. Isn’t that what any of us wants?”
(Quote from a previous end of the year post on this blog.)

When I started my new job (it still feels unreal and new I guess, 7 months in), I quickly bonded with someone over a book, “Daring Greatly” and not only do I highly recommend that book (by Brene Brown), but there was something she said in the book that has stuck with me. I’m paraphrasing here, but it was something like, Are you happy with who you are and your life right now? Is this the life you set out to live? Like, if you could see your life now from when you were a kid, would you be okay with it? That whole book is so quotable! But I can’t find the exact quote. You should read it anyway, it’s just good.

I just reread some past posts from this time of year. They’re all filled with portions of hope and despair and wishes and fears. It is no small wonder that this time of year always rattles me! I noticed a serious pattern of income instability at this time of year for many years! I’m so glad that is not the case this year. This year all of my battles and struggles are internal. Life can seem so simple from the outside, but dammit it’s hella complicated when you’re actually living it! Ha-ha!

I’m depressed this week. I know it will pass, it always does. I’m trying to get my house together, but it’s awfully slow going. I’m enjoying the downtime with my lil’ puggo. Each day brings sad, sad news. This weekend will be full of celebrations with friends. I feel a growth spurt on the horizon. I hope it brings more joy, fulfillment, and abundance into my life.

If you’re feeling a bit adrift as well, might I suggest perusing The Steps, which are just ten steps of stuff that has helped me live a happier life. I’m going to reread those myself and see where it takes me. I really felt in my element when I wrote those, I miss that.

I won’t entertain prophecies or fortune telling for the coming year, but I can put out the intention that we will be closer to each other. What brings us closer who can say, but I hope we can all lean on each other and our communities.

We are stronger through vulnerability, not in avoiding it.

Listen to your gut. Never lose that connection to yourself.

See you on the flip side!

Rad Fatty Love to ALL.
<3
S

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (body positive always, funny sometimes):
http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS  Or get the same “shared” content on twitter: @NotBlueAtAll
I also have an Instagram, I rarely use it but would like to more…encourage me to?:
https://instagram.com/notblueatall/
And as always, feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers:
notblueatall@notblueatall.com
If you would like to give money to support this blog and it’s archives, via paypal, you may do so here: http://bit.ly/1P2cZgO

As I was walking from the train station to my office, where there is always tons of ever changing construction, I heard a car’s blaring horn. It went on and on until finally the construction worker who was literally beside the car shouted, “Hey! Stop it! I’m right here! Stop honking already!” When I looked up to get a grasp of the scene I noticed two interesting details. First, that there was no vehicle or persons in front of this car, so I couldn’t make out why on earth they would be honking their horn. Second, that the vehicle doors were emblazoned with the seal of, “U.S. Department of Elections” and I did in fact laugh out loud upon seeing that last detail. I mean?!?!

Is there any better representation of this fucking week?!?!!?

</3
S

Last night I was fortunate enough to attend a ladies wine night held by the CEO’s assistant (and incredible badass, IMO). As I walked into the clubroom with a beloved co-worker, we were met with kind greetings, but also a group of professional women all dressed in black. It was a dark day, indeed, but was this all intentional? Who knows! I know I had originally intended to dress up for this event, but upon awaking that morning I just couldn’t bring myself to wear anything but all black. It felt more like a wake than a celebration.

After some great wine and food and conversation I started to think that maybe it won’t be so bad. Maybe we have a chance right now to change things for the better. My Facebook feed affirmed this. Activist groups are starting to organize! Maybe there is hope! A few more glasses of wine and a vegan donut later and I had nearly forgotten what had cast its ugly shadow over that day. Bonding with coworkers and getting wasted on fancy food and wine was splendid!

Walking to the train station at what felt to be very late at night (but was only 8:30pm), I passed a few couples possibly on dates going to and fro. I felt their tentative spirits and nervous-boozey laughter. Or maybe I was just wine-drunk and self conscious! Ha-ha! I was so focused on catching my train, I hadn’t thought much about being in danger or anything. Very unlike me, but it gave me pause once I secured my seat and got settled. The very fact that I wasn’t worried about any immediate dangers was shocking to me, but also what a fucking privilege to not have to worry about that?! Seriously! I always worry about that and am naturally (PTSD) paranoid. I remember having the thought as I left the party, “Where is my pepper spray? Oh ok, I know where it is.” but not enough to actually have it in-hand. Rare.

Once on the train, however, I was full of mixed emotions. Hearing well-off white folks express their sudden distress and concern over the fate of our country, the shock of how hateful it all is, how they had no idea just how racist and sexist this country is (this isn’t the country I thought it was!), was very trying. And I’m not a person of color. It was hurting me to see and hear white folks burdening POC with their emotional baggage. I wanted to shout at them and shake them and make them lift the veil that their privilege hides from their eyes. I was surprised at their shock and their lack of compassion for those who have always been targeted. Those who have always been marginalized, oppressed, and attacked know this has always been a country built upon violence and hate. Your white tears are nothing new to anyone except you. Sounds harsh, maybe (not  really), but it’s necessary because POC and LGBTQ have been fighting this fight all their lives.

If you’re really so upset, act like an ally and help! Join a local organization or groups who are planning protests and such. Offer comfort and kindness to your POC and LGBTQ friends and loved ones. Give space and raise the voices of these groups! Use your white privilege to elevate the causes of others! And it was within this line of thinking that I started to realize that there is hope! Maybe we as a nation built upon white supremacy needed this hideous wake up call to show just how awful things have always been. Maybe now things will finally change for the better for ALL!!!

I want to believe.

</3
S

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (body positive always, funny sometimes):
http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS  Or get the same “shared” content on twitter: @NotBlueAtAll
I also have an Instagram, I rarely use it but would like to more…encourage me to?:
https://instagram.com/notblueatall/
And as always, feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers:
notblueatall@notblueatall.com
If you would like to give money to support this blog and it’s archives, via paypal, you may do so here: http://bit.ly/1P2cZgO

We use an application at my job called Slack, it’s sort of like chat rooms and instant messaging. When you type /giphy and a phrase it will produce a gif of an entertaining nature, usually. Today, as was absolutely appropriate, I typed, “/giphy everything sucks” and the above gif appeared and simultaneously swelled and broke my heart. My coworker to whom this was addressed responded, “He was right” and it all is still sinking in.

What many in the activism community have said all along is true. This world is run by selfish, greedy, ignorant and hateful white men. Their privilege has gone unchecked for so long that they’ve convinced even poor folks that they’ve been wronged and robbed by “those other guys” as of course it’s never their fault or doing. It’s always “not in my backyard” and their jobs are being taken away and all that nonsense. And it is nonsense. Absolute and utter absurdity, at this point, really.

I cannot harbor the amount of hate that those who elected that disgusting shit demon hold in their own hearts, I haven’t the capacity. But I worry for those I love and cherish, and for my own rights and health, too. I worry for all of the women of the world today. Some are hedging their bets in the U.S. by setting appointments to get an IUD installed, in fear of not having long term access to birth control.

I worry for the future, most of all. As the world turns its attentions to the U.S. today, and in the coming months, no one can say for certain what our fate will be. I want to believe that goodness and love will win in the end. I want to believe. I keep saying that over and over to myself. I want to believe. But I grew up in the Reagan era. I grew up watching the rich oppress the poor and blaming it all on “those other guys”. I grew up with air raid drills in fear of Russia and the Cold War. I grew up not understanding how the good guys acted like bad guys and no one could do anything about it. And that was before the Bush era…and there were a few! UGH!

I’m feeling very hopeless today. I fear opening my mouth at all. I don’t want to smile, it nearly hurts to. I feel helpless to protect those who are vulnerable and even myself. I have been grossly disappointed to see that the men I’ve encountered today all appear to be in much higher spirits than any women I’ve seen today. It’s upsetting! While most of the women I work with are wearing all black, myself included, and we even have a ladies wine night with a guest speaker planned for this evening.

I need something to look forward to. We all do. Until that thing presents itself, however, we need to be kind to one another.
Sending my love and broken heart out into the universe.

I want to believe.
</3
S

If the average American woman is a size 14+, then would someone please explain to me how it is that they are also the LEAST purchased sizes by manufacturers? Are they allergic to money?! At this rate, I think that they are! I have heard every ridiculous excuse about “no market” and “it just doesn’t sell” and to those I say fuck right the hell off!!! I read something about smaller or independent boutique owners claiming to have tried to sell sizes 14+ but then they just sit on the rack and don’t sell. I get that, but I question if they advertised the size range or had it prominently displayed in their store. I also get that fashionable fatties have been burned for so long by retailers that we just stop trying to find new brick and mortar places. BUT that’s also with a  huge fucking grain of salt because I almost don’t believe it.

Sizing has been a big topic of discussion this week as one retailer. Meijer, announced that it would get rid of their plus size clothing section and instead include a range of sizes for all throughout. Cute idea, but we all know it won’t be so idyllic in reality. If anything it usually leads to even less plus sizes being available in stores! We’ve seen other retailers attempts at revamping their plus sections (looking at you Target) which ends up mostly residing online or mixed into a jumble or racks between maternity and clearance areas with no signage. I just don’t believe them when they say that they made every attempt to attract plus sized customers. I’m calling bullshit on that!

We want what everyone else has: equality! So basic! But most shopping malls and centers hardly have even one plus retailer, let alone many! I’m lucky that where I live I have my choice of Lane Bryant (hell to the no, but for personal reasons), Avenue (but only a couple of locations and very spread out) and Torrid (who have a bunch but in odd places). Target does carry some, but you’d be pressed to track them down in most locations and often I see two racks at the front, beside the maternity, and the rest mixed with other random items leaving all of it more trouble than it’s worth. Yes, larger department stores have plus sections, but often they call them something hella random (Yes, I was initially offended by “Encore” being the designation for plus size at Nordstrom) or tuck them away in a basement or far reaching corner of their stores.

Can we just stop with the cutesy names, though? “Specialty Sizes” “Extended Sizes” I find it insulting and demeaning. Why can we not just have clothing?! Simple! No gender assignment required! Here, look, pants! Shirts! Dresses! Let the rest of the labeling go! Trying to explain women’s clothing sizing to my bf is a practice in comedy! He insists, “Women must like those flimsy fabrics and non-existent pockets or why else would they have them?” UGH!!! I wanna scream from rooftops! The frustrations! I get serious feminist rage at this shit and that’s without him saying we must like it or why would it be this way. I insist that it cannot be women designing such things as those are very common complaints about fashion.

And can we not value fashion only as something frivolous?!?! I need to cover my body with a garment! Yes, I care how that garment fits and looks on my person, but that does not mean I ONLY care about fashion or looks. Ya know?! Ugh! And when you actually read up on the history of pockets you’ll be as outraged as I am! If you’re above a size 26 your options are so limited it really is almost entirely online. That takes a lot more time and money! Sure, coupon codes and rewards dollars can help, but not all online clothing retailers offer free return shipping and even those who don’t may still charge a re-stocking fee and others still charge more for certain sizes.

If the majority of women in the U.S. are plus sized, then there needs to be a bigger push back on manufacturers and retailers to fucking cater to us! We need to start writing letters, leaving comment cards, asking for management and buyers, hitting up these corporations on social media and really letting them know what we want: Equality!!! (I wanted to say EQUALITY MOTHERFUCKERS!!! but I don’t mean to shout at you, you’re lovely.) Yet we’re always made to feel that asking for anything is asking too much! UGH! Sick of it!

Ahem.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL.
<3
S

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (body positive always, funny sometimes):
http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS  Or get the same “shared” content on twitter: @NotBlueAtAll
I also have an Instagram, I rarely use it but would like to more…encourage me to?:
https://instagram.com/notblueatall/
And as always, feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers:
notblueatall@notblueatall.com
If you would like to give money to support this blog and it’s archives, via paypal, you may do so here: http://bit.ly/1P2cZgO