How do I wrap up a year that has thrown me for every loop possible? I can’t. And I won’t. January 2012 alone felt like an entire year! January 2012 meant a new job, the first Fatty Affair and moving out on my own for the first time. The rest of the year? Well, much of the same I suppose; so many changes, so much up in the air and still there. I’m just going to leave the entirety of 2012 right over here. There, you can stay there with the recycling, 2012, you little troublemaker!
I think I’ve accomplished what I set out to: being and staying true to me! I have learned so much and though the hardships and heartbreaks have been many, what I have taken away from it all is a stronger and better version of myself. I have floundered in my vulnerability and still struggle to allow it to be as much a part of my life as it needs to be. I have struggled and muddled and cried more tears than I can ever forget. Yet my gratitude has grown and filled me when I felt I had nothing. I am thankful and grateful for every new day and every new breath I take.
The thing is, deep down, I know I can move fucking mountains! I know what I am capable of and it is when I am doubting myself that I let it all fall apart. I want to stop questioning myself. I want to make new friends who can appreciate my special brand of weird-awesome! I want deep connections and wild creativity! I want silliness and art and music in my life! I want blanket forts and guessing games!
People keep saying how “strong” I am. Strong? Okay, I won’t refuse that entirely, but I got so resilient and strong not by hoping to be. I feel younger now than I did five years ago because I chose to take control of my life no matter how terrifying the endless unknowns were and are. Every time I face that moment of terror I know it’s the right thing to do. Because sometimes ripping off the proverbial band aid is just better, no matter the outcome. Things always seem to work out, eventually. And this past year has proven nothing but that.
All I can hope for in the “new year” is more of the same, I guess. I want many things, sure, but most of all I want to be and feel loved and special. Isn’t that what any of us wants? I’d like some financial stability, but I know I’m not so bad off either. I’ll find a way to make things work, I always manage to. It’s scary a lot of the time, but that’s life, eh? No, this year I will look fear in the eye and say “I just don’t care!” and do whatever it is that I want or need to do!
I will let go of whatever or whomever is holding me back and just keep on keepin’ on! I will stay true to me. I will honor and be my most authentic self. I may possibly wear out my eyeballs (from rolling) and middle finger (from flipping), but all with a dash of charm and a hefty dose of humor because life ain’t worth livin’ without ‘em! I’m excited for the new things and people and opportunities that I know are in store for me this year.
…And I cannot thank each and every one of you enough for being a part of my fat life! My love and gratitude to you all! <3