I used to be the type of gal that would be willing to die for something, to stick my neck out and throw my hat into the ring! Since the first of the year I have been happier than I’d known I could ever be. I felt these parts of the old fiery me returning, parts that had seriously been in a coma! I think I had started to mourn myself while at the cafe. I tried to give my life meaning by creating this big burden of a project. I was lost and without a path. Not that I have a fucking path right now either, but I see that I had lost myself. I spent so much time working and fighting and struggling that I’d forgotten what it was all for. Because if it ain’t for yourself and your own heart, you’re just phoning in!

That is how I feel. I gave up on myself. I forgot what I am capable of. What I can create or lead. I forgot to find the fun inside of myself. So I searched outside, always. And just like always I get heartbroken, disappointed, fucked over, left for worse and used. My knee-jerk reaction is “Trust no one!” and hide myself away. I seem to repeat this pattern. I don’t know why it’s taken me thirty-four fucking years to get a clue, but here it is and I am grateful.

I’ve never had therapy. I’m a true DIYer, I suppose. Out of necessity, usually. I seem to almost want to learn my lessons the hard way, the hardest when I can find it! I like to dwell on shit so hard and for so long that it turns into diamonds (if only)! I fall in love with people fast and regret giving my heart away. A friend forgets something and suddenly I’m in tears and feel betrayed. I burn with rage and pout when my desires are not satisfied, but will hide behind my cold shoulder rather than actually tell them what I want/need. I will struggle for days before asking for help/love/support/etc. Even over small shit. It’s idiotic! My ego gets a light shone upon it from the outside world and suddenly I think I know it all!

I am a flawed beast! I am an animal by nature, I see it now. I can allow my circumstances to command my life or I can choose to take matters into my own hands and learn how to survive. I’ve done the surviving bit, done it to death! I’m exhausted. I’m at a breaking point. I am not yet sure why it is now that I have come to this destination, but it is where I happen to have ended up. I suppose it’s a moment of clarity, but it feels more like insanity at the moment. That I will still take a bullet for people who may or may not even remember by birthday. That I should put so much stock and hopes into such trivialities proves my cowardice. My weaknesses have never changed, only my strengths have. I grow stronger with every scar upon my heart and ever wrong done to me.

It’s like a window shade has pulled up and the storm I thought was outside all along never was and it’s a gloriously perfect day out there! Bam! Sunshine! I can see things and understand things so much better now. That I am not simply a flawed beast, but a magnificent one! One to be appreciated and never ignored. One to be loved and protected. I am the phoenix and I am the queen! I should be busting balls, breaking rules and living for me! Trust I am not sure even exists. It’s more like we just fool each other long enough to forget the pain of the previous betrayal. But whatever, it’s not important anyway. Because I can choose to live or die or fight another day. Our destiny is by our own designs if we wish it to be. If we follow our hearts and refuse to settle for less. If we love and support one another and not be total assholes.

I found myself once again ready to risk it all for a single cause. I surprised myself. I shocked myself. I forgot and lost myself in it and was blind to the rest of the world. It felt amazing! It felt like that moment where you’re not sure where you end and your “comfy bed” begins. We are human and whatever our purpose as a species may be, I am an individual with the intelligence and power to choose my own. My journey is mine, my mistakes, too. And if it is regret that I face, well, I suppose that is my cross to bear, too.

I require passion, poetry, attention, love and probably more junk I had given up on years ago. I gave up on my own spark! My own special blend of herbs and spices, yo! I mean, what the fuck?! I don’t care what size my ass is, I am amazing and I can move mountains! I can do the un-doable and make things work that just didn’t before. Except for the matter of finding it in my own life. And now I’m a wreck and what can I do? I make a new choice. I decide. I’ve come to that proverbial fork in the road. Every song seems to be written just for me. Each one equally worthy of obsessing over and singing on repeat…for days! Oh yeah, my obsessive nature is back! Yay!

I actually looked up the word Manic on dictionary.com today. Yep, c’est moi! oh le jour heureux! My feet have hit the ground and have yet decided to run or stroll or amble or, “Hey, what’s that?!” I have been shown kindnesses and trust and passion and meaning this past week and I didn’t know how to accept it. I tried to find fault in it. I tried to taint it. And I am such a fool for trying. I now know what I cam capable of. I now know how much love I have to give, so much that it hurts. And in return I get so much love and support and compassion from those I love and trust the most. I have been moved beyond words and shed more tears this week than I have in the last year! Funny how a panic attack can lead to some clarity! Ha-ha!

Thank you for touching my life and my heart. You have shown me a reflection of myself that I had forgotten existed. That I could be the fusion of fantasy and reality, that I could feel whole and worthy and believe I deserve it. Thank you for this gift. I will do my best to accept it, for the rest of my life. <3