I can’t even call myself a Scrooge or anything, I mean, I don’t hate all festivities and celebrations and I certainly don’t wish anyone anything but awesome times. But here’s the thing, I hate what this time of year brings out in people…The very worst!

Yes, I know, good tidings to all and peace on earth and love for your fellow man, blah blah blah…BULLSHIT! That is hardly the reality of the season. This time of year is about consumerism, one-upsmanship (aka competitive gifting), guilt tripping and being a smarmy-ass jerk! I now cannot go to a grocery store without the wall-o-winter-scents (pine, cinnamon, peppermint) smacking me in the face before I get ten feet inside the door. ‘Tis the season, eh? And don’t get me started on the distracted jerks who will block you or run you right the hell over you in the aisle. I mean the kind who will make eye contact before running you over, by the way, not that they save this behavior for December, but they do seem to multiply somehow.

No thanks. I might consider, if I could I suppose, paying a tad extra to not have to deal with any of it. To opt out completely! I enjoy celebrating the changing of the seasons and sharing with others and all, telling people you love them, but I do this often already. I don’t need an entire month (but let’s be real, this shit starts creepin’ up on you in September these days), nor do I need a car with a giant bow on it. And the moment I open my mouth to voice an honest concern, like access, I get shut down instantly by everyone insisting it’s the most “magical time of the year!” Uhh…if you say so. *RollsEyes*

I know what the holidays are supposed to be about, but in the USA that is not at all what I see. They might as well call it “retailer profit catch up quarter” because this shit has so little to do with any ancient traditions or celebrations. And the social rituals and obligations?! Madness! Nobody means any of it and the ones who truly do never get a word in edgewise. (Yes, I hate being told “Happy Holidays” it’s such a ridiculous thing!)

I often wish I could just be blissfully ignorant about the ways of the world. *Sigh* I haven’t celebrated or really participated in anything holiday related for a few years. This will be my first independent holiday and my roommate seems to think this is why I’m displeased with the whole shebang (or did she say depressed?). Eh, not so much. Sure, I don’t have a close or pleasant relationship with my blood relatives. But I have a chosen family who loves me unconditionally. We usually get together, get drunk, eat awesome foods and play video games or card games or something. Celebration: Accomplished!

The hard truth is that this season is always filled with mixed emotions for me. I grew up a poor kid. I was “adopted” for charity or whatever and got a new coat and two pair of shoes because somebody felt like giving back to their community in December. The poor kids? We need more than just a coat, y’all! And we need more than once-a-year charity donations/adoptions. I hated going on that “shopping spree” with the people from that fucking charity, as a kid. I knew what it meant, even if I couldn’t quite process or articulate it at that age. Getting yanked in the middle of the school day and coming back with bags of stuff? Yeah, I didn’t get shamed and picked on for that at all. Ha-ha-ha!

I saw through the charity shit pretty quickly as a kid and it is probably because of this that I have a super hard time accepting gifts from anyone. Funny thing that…gift giving is my “love language.” *DoubleSigh* Had I the means, I would shower all whom I love and care about and even come across in my daily life with gifts and trinkets and treats. I truly would want to…but at the same time I know that is bullshit, too. People don’t need more “things” they need more life and time to live it! They need less burdens and obligations and more rights and freedoms and those can’t be wrapped up in a pretty box.

And this year I poorer than ever before. It’s the truth and it’s very hard for me to say. But I know I must say it. Expressing my inner shame will help carry the weight of it and hopefully soon lift it away entirely. For now I can say that December will be a true test for me, January maybe even more so. They’ve cut my hours at work and I will have to really stretch every dime I have just to make my rent come month’s end. I really don’t want to leave my job. I certainly don’t want to go back to the corporate world. I can’t imagine finding a one-day-a-week gig that could magically fill the void left behind. Ugh!

Transition? Crossroads? Chaos? Yep, me in a nutshell! Ha-ha! It feels like December hit and brought all of my fears along with it. I know I will survive, I will get through this, but shit if it isn’t freaking me out a lot. I can’t even face it sometimes. I was doing alright for a minute there, not worrying about shit and all. I am doing my best to smile and stay positive and not think all the bad thoughts. I have been spending more and more time with those nearest and dearest to me and it helps. I haven’t really been able to talk about this stuff with them, or anyone, actually. It’s so hard to bring it up when you just wanna spend a little time and enjoy each others company. (Wow, I’m surprised how just typing this has brought on the tears.)

I’m not trying to poop on everyone’s holiday themed Cheerios. I’m not! I’m just asking that we all be a little mindful of those who don’t want to celebrate, cannot celebrate or participate in the season’s standard operating traditions. Maybe tone it down, just a notch? Like, perhaps, not complain about the thousands of dollars you just spent or the presents you “have” to get. Some of us won’t ever know what that sort of “problem” is like, some of us may never want to. Right now I’m just happy to have a roof over my head and a way to earn money (for the time being) to keep that happening for me.

I am so grateful and thankful for all that I have in my life right now. The love and support I get from my friends and readers really gets me through the tough times. I have a lot going for me, I know this. I’m just struggling, as always. Ha!