I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Spacing Out


I have been thinking a lot about space and relationships and how these meet and interact and have an effect on us all. Today, on my personal Facebook page, I posted the following:

What’s on Your mind?

What’s on mine? How the way people act shows you how they feel about you, regardless of their words.

I have definitely become more introverted over the last couple of years. I have purposefully given space to people and relationships, at first for my own sanity, but later because I saw that it was better/healthier for all involved. Space. Wow. It can almost seem like doing nothing creates more definitive results than doing something…but that’s misleading.

Space is necessary for us to process how things have affected us and how we feel about them. Often being in the thick of something can blind us to what is really going on. While I knew my job was becoming toxic, it wasn’t until I was pushed out and had some time to process what happened and more so hearing how things have progressed afterwards that I realized just how fortunate I was to get laid off. Emotional roller coaster, for real.

I have been giving myself more space, too. From socializing, people, things, stuff…Ha-ha! True facts. I have to really want to do something or see someone in order for me to actually do that lately. Even then, it’s a struggle. My anxiety has become something that I must consider constantly. I can no longer handle being in large crowds. Who knew?! I have been to hundreds of concerts and when my bff “Q” suggested we see the Violent Femmes I was instantly excited and then sad. I just can’t do it anymore. Thank the stars for YouTube! Ha!

Before I posted the above on my Facebook wall, I knew that people would also see it and look at me and think about how I have treated them, too. Of course I considered this. I’m not so full of myself, ya know. I am in no way insinuating that I have treated everyone in my life justly. Hardly! But it is a humbling reminder to myself that not everyone is aware of my struggles or would know or care to know how to navigate that or what I must do to navigate this on my own. It really does go both ways.

There are relationships in my life that simply require more space where others would be better with less, but hey, geography, am I right?! I am still not very good at telling people I want to see them. I am still not very good at taking care of myself (too much time in my head somehow turns into my not eating all day). It’s a journey, yes, not a destination. So I am still learning how to do right by myself and those I love. And I do love so many that it often hurts to have them so far away or spread out or to not see them, even when they don’t live far at all.

I have learned to give space to my vulnerability, to sit with it and give it it’s own breath and time. It’s really fucking hard! It’s hard, too, to have people refuse to see me outside of whatever version of me they have captured as their own and keep in a little labeled box, “Sarah”. Yeah, that’s not me. I’m a multi-faceted individual, we all are. There is no singular “Sarah” and I don’t wake up each day unchanged, somehow. I have found that this is when gross misunderstandings occur, when I am not seen as me, but as a past version of myself that this loved one won’t let go of. Space is needed.

Actions do speak louder than words. I believe this. I do take words all too seriously at times and forget to pay attention to folks actions. Not feeling as though I belong to anything lately has been tough. When I want to collaborate on things I get lots of empty promises and I’m left disappointed and doubting myself. I don’t know that I’ll be so quick to want to start or join things for awhile. Again, space is necessary.

Time heals, space heals and I’m feeling a need to protect myself emotionally, too. I have been accused of judging people I love too harshly or giving up or cutting them off “for no reason” but I gotta tell ya, I always have a reason. As much as I live my life from the heart, I try to stick close to actual logic. I do have a high standard of friendship and it is because of that standard that I have the lengthy and close friends that I do. Friends that have hurt me, and still do, for sure, but that are full of enough love and respect and forgiveness that things always work out in the end. Remove respect from the equation and start treating people poorly and I’m not sticking around for that. I give chances, I hear people out and am open to starting anew, but I will not be abused. I must draw a line there.

I may keep to myself at times, I may appear to be a very private person, but I am honest and won’t change that. To those that take the time to get to know me and I them, there is nothing to hide. I know I’m weird and a bit strange, but overall I just want to enjoy my life and the people in it, ya know? Isn’t that what we all want?  Sometimes it seems the only way to get where we need to be or go is to give people and ourselves some space.


I know I haven’t written in awhile. To be honest, I’ve lost whatever it was that allowed me to write, I’ve lost my voice. I don’t know when or if it will return, but y’all have been so kind and encouraging. If you have questions, would like advice, would like to guest post, miss something that I used to post or would like my thoughts on a particular subject, please leave a comment on this post or email me

Thanks so much! 

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