Ever set your mind to do something even though you know it’s probably not the best thing to do but you do it anyway because it just feels necessary? It is one thing to push myself out of my comfort zone, it is another thing all together to do something that I know isn’t for me. I think that there are some things that just cannot be forced. I know that I don’t like any food that was originally derived from the sea. I know this. I have tried all the things and they were all terrible. I’m forty years old and I get to decide this for myself. Sometimes there are moments in my life where I say to myself, “This is just what adults do! You can do it, too!” regardless of my actual feelings about whatever that things is in the moment.

Remember that “ex” (that technically isn’t an ex at all since we never dated, but wev) from my Eat Your Heart Out post? Yeah. So…they were in town and I decided that it was perfectly okay to seduce them and sleep with them, even though I have zero feelings for them, because that is what grown ups can do if they want, right?! Ha-ha! UGH!  For the same reasons I kissed him when we met for tea after work several weeks ago, curiosity. Curiosity about if I would feel anything, if my memories were accurate (they were not!) and if I could sleep with someone I didn’t have feelings for. The answer to all of that is NOPE! I mean, I did the thing, and I don’t regret it, but it was not good for me.

Before

He just looked at me the way I should be looked at, and said the right things and was very respectful and never would have dreamed of making a move on me or sleeping with me again though he admits he’s in love with me now. I had remembered him being exceptional in bed and well that rose colored memory became crystal clear to be bullshit pretty damned quick! Perhaps my inexperience played a role, not that I’ve had several lovers since then (I wish!), but more likely it’s because of my own self work and exploration that has upped my game.

After

To have someone worship your body is an experience I would wish on everyone. I have been fortunate to have several lovers of this variety and it has always been…transcendent. So to have this time feel wrong just kind of sucked. I wanted it to happen. I made it happen! My “O” and my pleasure was centered entirely and it was still not good. It was much to do with not having feelings for them, but more so due to their ignorance of how the female anatomy works (I’m guessing). So, while I “got off” it definitely wasn’t bliss. And it just goes to show how much I need to feel emotionally connected to someone. The “ex” had a great time and insisted I stay the night and seemed shocked that I left not long after this interlude.

For me it is the mental seduction that is always more alluring. The banter that leads to seduction. Those will they or won’t they moments. Good conversation often plays a bigger role for me than the typical foreplay. That is what has kept me going back to my usual service provider for the last year and some months, though there’s nothing more between us. It’s still flirty and thrilling and hot, but we don’t have the typical feels for each other. I don’t really get why that works and sleeping with someone I was crazy about years ago didn’t. I do know that this episode has left me processing my shit heavily! Monday I felt nearly sick with confusion because of it. I never hesitate to go deep into my psyche and sort shit out, but this one did give me pause. Why did I want this? What was I trying to prove?

Honestly, walking out of the Westin Saint Francis Hotel in Union Square (SF) that night I felt like a total badass. Waking up the next morning made me feel something I hadn’t before and that was an eye opener. I have since given myself a lot of time to sort out those feelings and the whats and whys of the situation. I have no regrets. I have no need to see that person again. If anything it made me miss my service provider so much more than ever! I guess I just needed to test the waters of all of that. It felt safe with someone I already knew and had slept with before. And hey, they still think the sun shines out my ass so all is right in the world! Ha-ha!

I am happy being single. I’m in no hurry to “find someone” or settle down or whatever. I have no deep longing or yearning to be partnered up, but that is what I want, a partner. I want my equal. I don’t seek perfection, but I do want a whole human being and not someone looking to be completed or fulfilled by others emotional labors. I do think a factor in this latest (is it a tryst?) encounter was that he wasn’t a feminist (thinks he is but I can assure you he is not). My service provider may be a goofball and a knucklehead, but they’re a feminist through and through. I can’t even socialize with non-feminists. Why participate in my own oppression?! Fuck that!

So yeah, I’m on a lot of the typical dating apps and enjoy meeting people, but I’m beyond selective at this point. I start almost every conversation on those apps with, “Do you call yourself a feminist?” and their answers are always very telling. It’s either a hell yes or a hell no. If the first message from anyone refers to my ass (and its bountiful beauty), I will block them. If they refer to women as female or girls, I will block them. If they start off with vulgar descriptions of what they want to do to me, no matter how delightful that may sound, I will block them. I am not here for that and I have no time for games and bullshit. It’s not just cis men either. I date anyone, but I’m looking for that connection, ya know? C’est la vie!