Promises I Make To Myself

The above link/list was a breath of fresh air to my eyes. I preach self-care constantly, yet I’m not terribly good at it myself…why is that? How can I have the best intentions and want to help all that I love and care about and then go one neglecting myself? That’s the only person I should be worrying about right now, anyway! WTF?!

I was fortunate enough to meet the author of that post and blog last Saturday. She is an amazing woman and her intentions are pure. I immediately identified with what she is doing and working towards. So when I saw that she was co-hosting a workshop for women called, “Get your groove back” I was in! I certainly needed to get my groove back and reconnect with whatever has been holding me back lately.

The workshop itself was good and I enjoyed listening to others stories and sharing my own struggles and thoughts. I can’t say that my groove is back, but hey, I’m thinking more and writing a bit and that’s enough for now, I think. We discussed what triggers us and what we can do to work through or beyond those triggers. I thought a lot about my struggle with being in my own company. I’m not there yet, but getting better and realizing why it is such a struggle instead of avoiding the topic.

“I will not be afraid of what I want.”

This one, from her “Promises I Make To Myself” really struck me. I want to make the world a better place. But how do I go about it? I can’t even sort out my own life’s bullshit! Ugh! But then if I break it down, keep it simple, and think on a very basic and immediate level, I know that I am already making the world a better place by being me. By being honest with myself, to those I interact with and spreading my own special brand of positivity where ever I go.

I think I’m afraid of what I want because I believe that I want too much. Don’t we all feel that way? That stupid-useless pang of guilt?! Bah! So I started to think about this and push the guilt aside (it never seems to leave the room, sadly) and I realized that it isn’t things that I want in my life at all. I just want to feel loved and feel special. I want to know someone is thinking of me fondly and I want the love and kindness I feel/give/express for others reflected back at me. Well, shit…if that ain’t impossible to make happen!

That’s the thing though, right? You can’t always make things happen. You can set your sights on something, you can make room in your life for it, but in the end you have to be entirely open to the thing and all of its variables, too. How can you open yourself so completely to such total unknowns? I don’t yet know. What I do know is that it requires an unbelievable amount of patience.

It took losing some friendships for me to realize that there are people in this world who simply don’t have a thoughtful bone in their body. That not everyone understands this concept and maybe they never will. I always took this personally. I would bend over backwards only to be hurt when the other person either didn’t notice at all or simply said, “Thanks.” and walked away. My intent is not their concern, I realize now, but at the time it was everything.

I fear that the things I want I may not, or yet, deserve. But I know that’s not true. Fears aren’t exactly rational, usually. Ha! I deserve all that I want and need and so do you! I’ve grown more accepting of my fears and vulnerabilities. Seeing the mask I put on, even if it’s a thin wisp of one, I know I’m not always allowing people into my heart. I will want to and will if given time, but the pain of so many disappointments and heartaches has prevented me from that for now. It’s all still so fresh…until it isn’t.

That’s the crux of it, I suppose. To find a way to let go of that old pain. To forgive and let it go somehow and let those who have wronged you just be. When a person I knew back in school sent me a friend request on Facebook I nearly shit a brick! I was so appalled and offended that the person who introduced me to my abuser (a blind date scenario and we weren’t even on speaking terms when she set me up with him) when I was fourteen years old. I could not believe that she would want anything other than to do me more harm. It was a gut reaction and probably a reasonable one, all things considered. But in the moment, seeing her name on my screen with the word “friend” nearby? My blood boiled!

I took a deep breath and just declined the request. So simple, I know. But to have something as simple as a name creating such emotional turmoil for me was a bit of a shock. I delude myself into thinking that I am level-headed and easy going, always. Ha-ha! I can be, but not always. Why do we insist on constantly trying to define ourselves through a single instance/emotion/situation or characteristic? I’m a multi-faceted individual! We all are! I’m not simply a woman or a fat ass or a bad ass…I’m so many things, good and bad and I should celebrate them all!

There’s that old question of if you could go back and relive your life, what would you do differently. I’ve long said that I wouldn’t do anything differently because it took all of those experiences to make me who I am today. All of the agony and pleasures and ridiculous things I have been through and seen all played a part in creating the woman I am now. I’m not contented with my life yet, but that’s okay. I have what I need to survive and then some. The temptation to rewrite or relive history, while appealing in a nostalgic way, isn’t really necessary. Were time travel to be invented tomorrow and made available next week I don’t know that I would be so tempted to go back and change anything.

I just need to remember to honor my most authentic self, be honest always and to love myself as much as I love the people and creatures in my life. We are all made of the same fabric. We are all lost in the sea that modern society has created for us and yet some of us choose to seek deeper meaning and ways of living. To the freaks and the weirdos, to the geeks and the nerds, to the fatties and the underdogs and to those who don’t even want my support…I tip myhat to you and me! <3