Yeah I know, look on the bright side, but to be honest, and I mean brutally? 2015 beat me up in every possible way. I started the year off with a new job that was already kicking my ass with constant changes in management and endless and impossible tasks. So much so that I sprained my fucking spine in March! Yeah…that! To make matters worse, this was also the exact moment my managers started to treat me worse and worse. The job that felt like so much possibility and opportunity was then sucking my will to live. I never had back problems in my life before that job and now I fear I will never not have back issues. Fuck you toxic elitist startup! I went into it, every fucking day, with the best attitude espresso can buy and lemme tell ya, by lunch time everyday I’d be exhausted, drenched in sweat and reeling from the conflicting directions from my two passive aggressive managers (actually being told to be in three places at once despite my argument in favor of the laws of physics, c’mon!). May karma give them the worst teenagers in history! And may I never again have “Momagers” instead of actual, experienced in managing adults, managers. Ahem.

To make matters worse, I was soon after rear-ended and my poor, sweet, beloved car still hasn’t been repaired. The guy let his insurance expire and my car ain’t worth shit to anyone but me so the paltry check I did get a month later I had to not spend because I then lost said shitty job the day after I received said check. UGH! Two weeks after losing shitty job, my landlord gives us a sixty day notice to move the fuck out. Yay life! NOT! I had already begun rehearsing with Tigress for the annual Big Moves dance show and things just didn’t get easier. A treasured bff came to visit only to have really scary health shit happen and we both thank the stars above we had each other despite what assholes who think only of their own needs and interests choose to believe! *GivingStinkEyeWhereItBelongs*

The dance show was fabulous and I didn’t fuck up any of the major dance moves that couldn’t be covered up by a hip swivel or sassy hand gesture! Woo! We looked fantastic, too, by the way! I made our skirts, Tigress made our hats and it felt good to have something positive we worked hard on to look back on. Then my bff had to fly home and I was left to deal with having to find a place to move to on my own for the first time ever. My beloved Raven came through with nothing short of a miracle and I found myself living in my hometown for the first time in over twenty years. And then the demons came for a battle. PTSD is no joke! Just when I thought I might never really have to deal with the worst of it again, it all came flooding back! Fuck! That was the goddamned worst! Afraid to leave the house, memories of everything that happened at every corner and landmark, fucked up family shit and just more than I could handle. But then my boyfriend sort of saved me in the sense that we went on a spontaneous road trip to SoCal and I was able to get out of my own head for a few days. It was lovely.
Things seemed more positive when I returned, I started to get more interviews at least. I was growing more comfortable living alone and starting to feel more safe overall. It wasn’t all so bad, right? But it actually sort of was, I just had no idea I’d be out of work for so fucking long! The PTSD stuff waxed and waned and I dunno, I guess I still don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to be doing with my life now. Eight months is a long fucking time to be unemployed. I really can’t believe it’s been so long. I haven’t been out of work this long since 2003! Scary thought, that. I’ve had very promising interviews, but a lot of rejection and flakiness from potential employers to boot. I don’t really know what tomorrow holds.

There were some highlights, some good bits that occurred this year, but it’s so very hard to see them through the muck and the mire (notice me trying not to mention my dreadful birthday). I know they’re there and that will have to do for now. The scariest bit of all is that I feel a giant clock ticking at my back counting down the minutes until my unemployment benefits run out and then I don’t know what I shall do. I’d say it’s keeping me up nights, but what isn’t?! My schedule is so fucked! The truth is I’m incredibly lonely. I only see my bf on weekends and lately even they’ve been cut short. I have no friends here and the few IRL friends I do have are far too busy struggling to make ends meet to do much of anything and try as I might my anxiety and depression keep me from just popping in on folks, besides I think that’s a bit rude.
2016? A big bag of who the fuck knows and that will have to do. I was just starting to get a real hold of my finances and move in the right direction (of being debt free soon) when I lost the job and the home and everything. I’ve had to live off my credit card again and it’s brutal to see the running total each month. It makes me physically ill, if I’m being honest. I try always to be honest.

I feel as though I don’t really have much in the world. Nothing really to look forward to but a few phone calls from my brother and an NYE party at a friend’s house. Gawd I sound pathetic! Ha-ha! I’m not into self harm so no worries, I just don’t really have a fucking thing going for me other than a safe place to live for the next two months, I suppose. My puggo is my real best friend, anyway. Even if he does drive me batty spending the odd night with my landlord. Ha! I’ve mostly got a hold of my PTSD stuff and feel better over all on that front anyway. It’s the depression that’s got me this week. It hit me quite badly Saturday night, I just sort of burst into hysterical sobbing for three hours, no big deal. Actually, it did feel like a panic attack and probably was. I was able to reach out to a few friends who were able to talk to me long enough so that I could get a handle on my breathing enough to get some food in me. It was pretty bad but the scariest was the actual reaching out. Humans are so fucking ridiculous! I’m fucking ridiculous!
I am grateful for what I do have. I know it’s more than many have and I do my best to never take anything for granted. I just sort of feel both stranded and adrift. I’ve always managed to make things happen in my life and yet here I am and I’m completely out of options. Once that clock runs out, your guess is as good as mine where I might go or what I’ll do. I suppose I’ve always been a bit of a by-the-seat-of-your-pants sort of person. But my debts are far too high now, the consequences of poverty too great. It’s a daily struggle to get up and look on the bright side when faced with dwindling job listings this time of year. Seems like something’s gotta give, though.
So, here’s to the unknown futures for us all! Here’s to merriment and bubbly! Here’s to living for today because who the fuck knows what or if tomorrow will bring anything at all. Everything seems so uncertain. I guess it is, really. *DeepBreath*

Good riddance 2015! Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!

Here’s to you, dear reader!

Here’s to me, as always, I’ll keep on keepin’ on!
<3
S

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