My Respect If You’re Dating While Fat
I’ve seen a few people around the fat web lately asking for more single/dating voices out here in the blog-o-sphere. While I do not date, I am in fact married, I do so sympathize! You see, yesterday I had a strange thing happen. I popped online to check my email (on a Sunday even, Ack!) and someone wanted to chat on yahoo IM. I recognized this person as someone I follow on Tumblr. I’ll admit up front here that I used to have a tiny web crush on him. He’s sort of adorable. Only he totally fucking ruined that yesterday.
When I was dating, I had a terrible time meeting guys. At the time I didn’t think it was purely due to my size, but I had a lot going on after just coming out of that awful relationship. I met a lot of guys online, on AOL chat rooms to be specific, and went on way too many blind dates because of this. I remember one blind date, I went to the guy’s place (I know, so what not to do 101) and when he opened the door he said, “Well, you’re more “full figured” than I had though.” and I said, “Yeah, um, you’re much smaller than I thought.” Which I know sounds awful, but we ended up being fab friends until we both found permanent partners. Truth is we were swell on the phone. Yet in person there simply was no chemistry or physical attraction.
Yes, I described myself as “Full Figured” online back then because no one ever told me it was okay to be or call myself fat. Would have made things easier, no doubt. And it seemed the more dates I went on the more horror stories I gathered. Yeah, didn’t meet a single decent one…well, I did, but then my best friend TOTALLY stole him (glaring at you Steph! Ha-ha!). I see now that it wasn’t such a loss, but I was devastated! I even tried to hook up with his best friend just so we could have double date scenarios available. I went through this phase after that where I thought I wanted bear-types. Like, just big burly guys who would, I thought, protect me. I found out in fact that most needed more protection and emotional support from me. Go figure.
And being a fat girl in the dating world can lead to many assuming stereotypes are true. I had guys ask me if it’s true that fat girls are faster to sleep with someone or if redheads are truly demons in the sack (we are! he-he), all kinds of stupid-ass stuff. It wasn’t so much that I was looking for a good time or a quick lay (I really should have been), but I was still in love with the idea of love. I was so enamored with finding a perfect somebody that I forgot to find out who I was first. The moment I began to work on myself? I met my husband. We were friend first, which I’d never dated a friend before him, but it worked out nicely I think. Ha-ha!
So this guy yesterday? From tumblr? Yeah, he wanted to “chat” alright. He said he had a “fetish for chatting on web-cam” and could I go to his personal site (which was called something like sexy stranger cam or something equally horrific in my opinion) so no one would record or interrupt us. I was all like sorry dude, I don’t have a web cam that works at the moment (I bought one for $3 on amazon, but it’s a pain to use and is always leaning to one side). But he kept insisting and then said, “Lame! No wonder you’re single!” and I responded with, “I’m married.” and he then said, “Oh I don’t mind baby, let’s go over to my web cam site. I swear it’s safe. You just have to verify that you’re over 18.” To which I responded with *Barfs* which somehow didn’t give a clear enough signal to this douche. He kept at it, trying to get me to go to this site for another five minutes before I finally just closed the chat. He is no longer adorable.
If this is the shit you have to put up with in the online dating scene? Count me out forever! I meet way more people in real life that are truly into me then I have online. I mean, it is awesome that we can get to know people and begin to build relationships on the internet and all. But the two-faced pervo shit? Yeah, that needs to go! I demand respect when I meet people, no matter what type of relationship I’m looking for. Respect, honesty, intelligence and best of a decent conversation. Not too much to ask, right? Ha-ha! It seems that it is. This clown shoe didn’t have the decency to even ask my name. I know he has an actual girlfriend and had he wanted to just chat I would have been fine with it. But his perv-cam-bullshit? No, thank you.
And so a tip of my hat to all of you single folks out there trying to get to know anyone in this crazy world right now. It’s bananas. I don’t know how you do it. And if you’re seeking advice on how to find love? Sounds cliche, but stop looking! Just do what feels good, you enjoy or makes you happy and there will inevitably be someone around doing those same things, too. I find that people are more genuine and put on less airs when they are just doing a hobby or pursuing an interest over the typical bar/nightclub thing. Although, that works and is totes fun sometimes, too!
I’d love your thoughts and input. Wanna vent about dating? Hit up my comments! Let us all share in this! Thanks! =0)
You might want to email your friend and be sure it was really him. What you went through sounds a lot like a common online scam designed to get you to give them your credit card info.
What they do is try to get you to go over to a website so you can chat with the scammer on cam. But before you can you have to “prove” your age. They want you to give them credit card information to verify your age… see where this is going? When they have your “verification” then they can use or sell your credit card information.
I have been approached several times by someone claiming to either know me or to have found out about me from a friend. Then when I don’t bite, they taunt me muvh as they did you. Although with me it is usually them calling me a man pretending to be a woman. Like I care. 🙂
Hm, thanks. Perhaps you’re right. Super glad I didn’t click the link now. Whew!
This reminds me of something from my college days. I had a friend I spent a lot of time with who was and is very attractive. We were just friends, no romantic interest in each other, but he was great fun and very affectionate and sometimes we’d be at the beach (I used to go visit his family every summer in RI) and he’d be walking with his arm around me and girls would give me EVIL EVIL dirty stinkeye looks. As if to say, “How dare YOU have someone like THAT”. It was very funny to me on one level. Kinda hateful on another.
I know what you mean. I get that look now when I’m out with my husband. I let them wallow in their own judgmental ways and keep on keepin’ on. All I can do, really. Thanks.
Yikes! What a complete douchenozzle! I hope he’s now blocked from your IM.
Yes, of course. Eh, seemed such a cool guy on Tumblr. Just goes to show ya, you never know!
I had a personal ad on Yahoo and got more IMs that wanted to know how big my boobs were, how big my ass was, what kind of sex did I like, etc, etc, etc. And this was in spite of the fact that I posted that if they were looking for a thin chick to look elsewhere because I was so far from thin it wasn’t even funny. I stated how old I was and the age range I was looking for, and most of the guys who messaged me were young enough to be my son – ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, not my scene at all. I ended up never signing into my Yahoo messenger at all, and forgetting about the Yahoo personal ad (I deleted the answers to it that came to my email after reading them and laughing at most of them). Until I got the message from the man who is now my husband. He was only 2 years younger than I was, actually asked me about things I liked to do, and sent his phone number so we could talk on the phone and get to know each other. He never wanted to have cyber sex, he never asked me what kind of sex I liked or how big my boobs were, or anything like that. He actually wanted to get to know me as a person first. Is it any wonder I married him? Well, it also helps that we’re more alike than is humanly possible for people who weren’t raised together….lol. I don’t know how many times I’ve been thinking about what to have for dinner and he’ll say why don’t we have (whatever) and it’s what I was thinking about. Or I’ll be thinking we really ought to go check out this neat touristy place and he’ll say the same thing. I keep telling him to get out of my head (for only being married 4 1/2 years, that’s scary as hell). I’d even forgotten I had that personal ad when he contacted me, but I’m so very glad I hadn’t taken it down.
Aw, that is a great story! I love it! Thank you so much for sharing it here. Yeah, that is one thing about the internet, it seems to bring out the worst in people. Glad you found your diamond in the rough. <3
I think the “stop looking” advice is not really helping. I spent my free time with my friends (couples, gay men, other women), in the book group (95% women) or in the gym (average age: 12 years younger than me).
I meet new people on a regular basis, but no men.
Enjoying your life while single: definitely the way to go.
I like my life, but I would still like to find a partner, and being told to stop looking is not taking that seriously.
I guess what I mean by looking is how I used to operate: my guy sensors always on! I couldn’t have a conversation with a man without constantly trying to see if we’d be good together. I found it difficult to meet new people because I couldn’t just be myself, I was always “on.” I just meant what you said about enjoying your life while single. I’ve known women who get served divorce papers and the next day are freaking out about not having a full enough dating calendar. Thank you for speaking up. Appreciate it. =0)
Oh boy… do I ever. have. tons. of online dating stories. Men who wanted to pee on me, to get a handjob with their johnsons wrapped in cheese, to IM me saying that they dont “mind the extra pounds” to times where I would not get a response at all or ones completely inappropriate. I have a masters degree, no kids, well travelled, educated so on but it always seemed to me that my fat made it seem to men that it levelled the playing field and I got a lot of guys who werent readers, not into education, kids, exes, etc etc.
It got really hard on my self esteem but what saved me was that I was very very picky and the moment i saw some BS I would close down the communication or whereever the relationship was at that moment. I think we as women dont do that fast enough we play nice and then get hurt.
That being said… after about a year of that on and off I did meet me now fiance on okcupid. He is AMAZING I am soooooo in luuurrv and he is so wonderful and in fact has been so supportive of my diving head first into FA and stopped dieting. He is always telling me how beautiful I am.
So the moral of the story is… there are diamonds out there but you have to shovel a lot of shit to get to them. as for me, it was totally worth it.
Thank you for sharing your story, so cute! What you said, “we play nice and then get hurt” really struck me. It’s so true! I remember a talk show I watched once about women who survived an attack (robbery, rape, etc) and all of them had the instinct to get out before becoming vulnerable, but thought it rude and instead ignored the instinct and were thus attacked. It freaked me out. How many of us ignore our instincts to be nice?! Not just in violent situations, we have our sanity to save, too! Thank you for putting it so perfectly.
OMG, dating is so horrible right now. Just got back into it after an 8 month relationship. I am seriously starting to hate dating. A friend of mine who is married said to me recently “I think online dating would be fun. It’s like a buffet where you get to try all sorts of things you might like.” Um, no. After I weed through the 95% of guys who won’t even TALK to me because I’m fat, I then get to weed through all the guys around my age (I’m 36) who are looking to date 23-28 year olds. Yeah–the 28 year olds are at the TOP of their accepted age range. This is from guys who are 44, in some cases. And sadly, there are enough 23-28 year olds out there who are willing to consider it. (I live in Austin, the college town where no one actually leaves. Kind of like the Hotel California.) I know that this just proves those guys are douchebags that I don’t want to date, but who does that leave?
I am honestly at a loss right now. I have actually never met a man in “real life” who was interested in me. Every date I have ever had, including my now ex-husband, I got online. I work at a college, so I don’t regularly come across men my age. I get out and do my thing (going to roller derby, gaming days, and trivia nights), but I am seriously starting to despair.
Sorry–that was a lot of “poor me”, but I guess I really needed to vent! Thank you for being a willing ear. 🙂
Vent away! I always welcome a good vent! Seriously, because sometimes we don’t wanna burden those closest to us with this stuff and I so get that! I used to have a small group in my old career where we’d call each other and just let loose. You are always welcome to do that here (even if it’s off topic).
I feel for ya. The age thing is such crap! It points out so specifically and brutally the one sidedness of our society. Working on a college campus can’t help in this regard, but what else can you do. Have you ever gone to a BBW night at a club? I went out dancing last week to one and had a blast. Seemed most in attendance were in their late 30’s. But I wasn’t cruisin’ for anyone, so I don’t know how that would work other than just dancing with someone and getting their number or whatever.
Hmmmm – are you sure that wasn’t a phishing scam? Two people I follow have posted “anon” asks in the last day or so from someone who supposedly has a crush on them with instructions to visit such-and-such a site and chat. My wife had something similar happen to her FB account last year, where messages started appearing from her that advertised a contest if they went to a similar site. Groan.
If it *was* Mr. Lame-ass “cam with me, married lady” then… yeah. It’s probably a good thing he didn’t ask for your name. Again, it always amazes me that these people hold on to the notion that their perv-tastic tactics will actually *work*. Who are these guys, and why didn’t they read the manual? 😛
I think it may be a phishing scam, but I might just message the guy and see what he has to say about it.
It amazes me for the same reasons. Have they ever had this pervo shit work on a girl? Blegh! Thanks.
Interweb has most def. changed how we meet people. It’s not necessarily a terrible thing. I was reading about a guy who likes fat girls who was giving the advice along the lines of never put up with creeps. Ever. And since you can meet more people online now than you ever could in person, I bet the creep ratio is fairly high. I was ALWAYS bad at dating. And never really cared about a male (other than sexually) until I met my husband, and it had to do with the fact that he is a wonderful and talented person. So it is def. possible to meet Mr./Mrs. Right even if you are dating inept.
I really dislike some of the obsession that develops with having sex with a fat girl-it brings out creeps sometimes. I’ve had a few friends actually ask if it would be okay to *%& me. I was shocked, and asked why. They had wondered what “gothic” sex was like, and if it was better with a larger girl they could dominate and toss around more. I just laughed out loud every time. Mostly b/c it strikes me as odd that people think about things like that.
Yeah, I mean, where do people get this idea to begin with? I’ve had some of that kind of thing. Bah! There was a time where any attention I would have settled for. Thank the stars I got over that and found a way to love myself and now demand respect or walk away. I wish more fat girls could find a way to do that. I hate that we are made to feel like it’s out fault or that we are seen as other. Guess it just makes the good ones that much better. Ha-ha! Thanks.
“Just do what feels good, you enjoy or makes you happy and there will inevitably be someone around doing those same things, too.”
There are, but they are all women and a couple married guys 🙁
I guess it depends on what your interests are. But you’re probably right and it’s been so long since I’ve dated that I’m just out of touch. I used to work in the music industry and met tons of guys that way. I realize that not everyone’s interests would allow for such a varried audience. Thank you for speaking up.
Dating sucks. I have so many horror stories. The stereotypes about fat women and the fetishists make dating a chore. I hate it. In fact, I’ve just stopped doing it. Instead, I’m focused on meeting people who like doing the things I like to do. I’ve started a Meetup group for people of size so we can socialize without judgement. I’m over the whole idea of trying to conform in order to be loved. This is it. Me. Take it or leave it. And if I don’t meet anyone? I’ve been mostly alone in my 38 years. I’ll be ok.
Awesome! That is such a fab idea, too. Start your own group! Woo! You have such a great attitude. Thank you for sharing with me.
I’ve got to say how glad I am to see this whole discussion go by without anyone getting into the “it’s all about putting out positive energy! Then you’ll attract a wonderful partner! But not until then!” So often that’s the way these discussions on the fatosphere have gone. And while I respect people for whom that’s been the experience, it really victim-blamed those of us who’ve spent decades dating and still haven’t found a good partner.
So, everyone, thank you for not going there!
I think, too, that the fatosphere of about five years ago was largely dominated by bloggers who were happily partnered. Not that this is a bad thing, it just was a matter of fact. And so there were a lot of posts about how great it is for your own size acceptance to have a good partner. Too often it only made me, as a not-thrilled-to-be-single person, feel worse.
And one more brief rant! Fat dating posts were also, often written by in-betweenies, at the smaller end of the fat range, complaining about how often they were approached online by weirdos, fat fetishists, etc. “oh woe is me! I have to fend off so much unpleasant male attention!” It was also very alienating for those of us larger fats who often get NO attention online, except for the phishers and the scammers.
The dating world out there is hard for everyone, no matter their size. But I appreciate threads like this one where we fatties can commiserate about the particular ways that fatty dating can suck. Hard.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on fatty dating. I know it’s tough out there. And while I am “happily partnered” most of my friends are single and therefore I am not so disconnected from that world. Plus, unlike many married peeps I know, I still love a bit of eye candy (my version there of anyway) and have no problem flirting or dancing or whatever. We’re all flesh and blood after all. I know us death fats always feel underrepresented, but that is exactly why I choose to blog about all of the random things that I do. Be the change you wanna see, as they say. Thanks again! =0)
I love that you posted this after my weekend…I think that dating online can be hard but I am pretty picky about who I actually meet up with and make sure to have a complete profile that shows what my body looks like so that there is no room for someone mistaking it for something smaller. I never meet people in person so online dating really is the best place to find someone for me.
I don’t think you’re alone in that though. I think we’re all so busy that actually getting out and doing things for fun? Let alone meeting new people? Well it all seems nearly impossible. It’s the state of things, I’m afraid. But hey, gotta love the positive aspects of technology! =0)
Dating as a fat woman is really tough but I keep trying it. I get frustrated and sad and lonely even sometimes. I used to write on my blog about some of it but lately I’ve been discouraged. I’ve tried both looking and not looking and find that when I’m not looking, I’m just not dating. I’ve always liked Kate Harding’s take on dating that she titled “On Dumb Luck” http://kateharding.net/2007/05/22/on-dumb-luck/ I just read it again and it did cheer me up a bit.
I recently had to fend off a fellow who only wanted to sex chat. Everything I said he tried to turn into some sort of innuendo. It was actually kind of amusing and yet frustrating. We had an innocent but flirty conversation once and then every time I was online after that he would message me and want to get dirty. I had thought I wanted to get to know him, but that was impossible when all he could do was try to get me to chat about sex.
Thanks for bringing this up, it’s a very important topic.
Yes! I have been there. Simple or fun flirting turns into “omzallshewantsissexsexsex” when it’s furthest from your mind. Ha-ha! At least it’s easier to weed out the creeps that way I suppose. I think writing about it is a great thing! I think, at least for me, it’s a form of therapy and also a way for others to know they aren’t alone. We all struggle, ya know? Thanks so much.
You know what? I’ve given up actively dating. I just have too much in my life that I don’t have enough time for to waste time on the constant irritation and disappointment of dating.
I figure if someone is meant to plop into my life, he will.
I think that is the best way to go about it, actually. It’s where I was at when I met my husband. And yeah, the roller coaster of emotions, not worth it!
Been a lurker but I have to join the venting! As a 26yo in a big city, many friends are on OKCupid and are going on date after date after date after date. They finally convinced me to join and I’ve yet to make any connections more than 2 messages. People choose me back on quickmatch and then ignore my messages. I’ve gone over my profile with my friends and I come across as the funny, well-traveled, pretty person I am. For a long time, I hadn’t been looking because I was insecure but now I’m confident (or was until online dating started wearing me down.) Maybe I’ll find the perfect guy when I least expect it, but in the meantime, I’d at least like to find someone willing to take me out on a bad date!
I feel for ya, doll. I do. It is strange to me, this OKCupid thing, because I know people of all sizes, shapes, identities and so on who do get a lot of “action” from there. But perhaps it is the fact that you are the funny, well-traveled, pretty person that you are that can be intimidating? Just a thought. I’ve come across that myself back when. I found out years later some guys who liked me and I was shocked! I think it has more to do with them and less with you. Just my two cents. Best of luck to ya! <3