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It Has To Get Better Than This


After all of that magical fun I had all this past weekend, I’m am as down as can be at the moment. It is as though it’s suddenly hit me that the last three years were sort of an era and it has come to a close. Not just my cafe, though that is a major part, but I am losing friends to this bullshit economy…STILL!!!

Monday night my closest friends/chosen family went out to karaoke for one last hurrah for our friend Tom who is moving back to the east coast today. I even managed to get my husband to come along and be our designated driver. My intentions were pure: drink, sing, be merry! Only, it didn’t quite work out that way. Tom had come down with a cold or something and showed up unable to sing. Plus he had to get up fairly early and couldn’t stay. I think we each sang a song for him (he chose Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep” for me) and he seemed to enjoy the evening’s company at any rate. But then he had to go and he said goodbye to each of us and gave us hugs and lots of love and suddenly the air went out of me. I’m not very good at showing my emotions sometimes, so I may not have seemed so terribly sad, but I felt a great loss. What can I say? Tom was the guy no one knew, yet we did know him on some level and each in our own ways.

Okay, I know it’s not like he’s dying, but it fucking feels like it! Yet another close friend is leaving for cheaper living in the hopes of an actual future. We’re all sick and tired of struggling, no one knows this more than me. I get it! I do! But it also fucking hurts each time I have to say goodbye to someone I love. I feel like a three year old, “It’s not fair!!!”We always say we’ll keep in touch and visit and all of that, but it never happens. My dear sweet Freddy never even emails me…we used to text each other everyday! I just…Ugh! *Sobs*

It seems with the first day of Autumn there was a perceivable shift. The weather, the hopes for tomorrow, and now I feel as though there’s no longer a chance for dreams becoming realities. I know that’s bullshit, but for now it is what I am feeling. Many of my friends are going through the wringer right now and my heart goes out to them. We’re all so depressed we can’t even get angry anymore. You know it’s bad when I can’t get angry about something. But I just don’t have it in me today. Saturday night may have truly been the most fun I’d had in ages, and now I can’t believe it’s all over and gone.

How much longer can we believe that things will get better? This economy has taken almost everything from me. While I have new friends and am enjoying getting to know them and pushing myself to be more social, it takes a lot out of me. And I have moments when I wonder what it’s all for and consider hiding under the covers forever. It’s like everything has come to a head and I feel like I will be left behind if I don’t find the strength to kick that fucker down! I dunno…what am I even saying? I’m just tired of losing. I was almost at a point this weekend when I thought that everything will in fact be okay and very soon. That things were already picking up and getting better. Maybe that is true, but I can’t see it today.

I just wish there was a way I could improve things for those I love. Right now that’s a lot of people, but I have a lot of love, yo! Yet I can’t even improve things for myself. Shit! I can’t even get to a damned copy place and mail my stupid state tax bullshit for my cafe! For all of my supposed bravery, I feel like a damned coward right now. I don’t know why, but I almost feel like I could have done something to prevent Tom from having to leave us, but what? It’s pretty vain to even think that. I don’t feel like I was a very good friend to him either. Yet here I am crying to stupid face off. Ha-ha!

I seriously thought a bowl of soup and some sitcoms would do the trick. I think it may have made it all so much worse. And this pity party has to walk the dog in a minute. Sorry to bum y’all out, I’ll be fine, always am. Just need to swim in some sorrow today I think. I hope that everything is good with you and yours. If it’s not, you have my love and hugs! We can get through this! We have to! <3

This picture was from several years ago. This is my chosen family. These are the people who mean the world to me. That’s Tom standing on the right, my husband in the booth with his Mama, Jery The Actorvist on the left, “Q” and P to the left just above him…it was my birthday. This is one of my favorite pictures ever. I have it up in my apartment, too. Look how awesome and happy we were? And now I feel like we’re all being pulled in different directions. Oh well. Here’s to fond memories and hopefully happier reunions. <3

posted under Bullshit
18 Comments to

“It Has To Get Better Than This”

  1. On September 28th, 2011 at 8:25 am Betsy Says:

    I’m so sorry to hear this, though in some ways it’s a comfort, too: my husband and I are the ones always moving around and it’s hard. I often feel jealous of people who can just stay in one place, but then I realize they’re experiencing the same thing, just from the other end. Whether you’re new to a place, or just need to make new friends because old ones have left, it’s hard. For me it takes a lot of effort to develop a strong friendship and familiarity with someone, where I can just be casual and relaxed and myself, and if I feel like I (or they) might pick up and move, I sometimes wonder why bother? But I think it’s because all those friends I made and had to leave–they’re still my friends, and we still have memories and connections that matter, even if I don’t see them everyday, or even every year. I feel as though you need friends nearby and friends far-flung, but the transitions are always hard. Hang in there. Too bad you live on the opposite coast–just from reading your blog, I wish we were friends!

  2. On September 28th, 2011 at 9:40 am Not Blue at All Says:

    @Betsy: Aw, thanks Betsy! Yes, my husband and I were talking about this last night. We used to have very few friends. Now, well, I have a lot of friends, mostly fat…all over the world! It is an odd thing for me to consider, but I do feel very close to my fellow fatties near and far. It just takes a different type of effort than getting to know a friend who lives near you. Transitions are abundant in my life right now and I think I’m still processing it all. Thank you so much for commenting (and reading). <3

  3. On September 28th, 2011 at 10:00 am Nikki Says:

    Yuck and ick! I’m sorry you’re feeling so down today. When things are all shitty, it’s hard to find a reason to smile. I’m not a shiny happy person, by default. I find it difficult to look on the bright side. But, lately, I’ve just been trying to focus on what I’m grateful for. It doesn’t make the shitty go away, but it opens the door to let a little something not-so-shitty peak in. Sometimes, on really bad days, all I’m grateful for is the day ending and going to bed. But, other days, I can list tons of things to be thankful for. The shit is still there but, now, so is the that one good thing.

    I hope you feel better and find that life shifts toward things more hopeful soon. “Trouble don’t last always.”

  4. On September 28th, 2011 at 10:05 am Not Blue at All Says:

    @Nikki: Thank you! Yes, gratitude is such a necessary thing to consider. It can lift my spirits. It also helps keep me grounded. Thanks and take care!

  5. On September 28th, 2011 at 12:10 pm Twistie Says:

    You’re right, hon. Sometimes you really do need to swim in that sorrow. It’s called mourning, and it’s an important part of the healing process. We get so freaked out in this society about any moment of blues-having, but it’s part of what makes us human. We need to feel the pain before we can let it go.

    Having one of your heart family move to another place very far away? That’s fucking painful. Maybe you don’t need sitcoms and soup right now. Maybe what you need is a good cry. Sometimes it really, really does help.

    And if I can do anything to help you deal or not deal, as you prefer, you know right where to find me. I have two shoulders, no waiting, and they’re superabsorbant.

  6. On September 28th, 2011 at 12:12 pm Not Blue at All Says:

    @Twistie: Thank you! The absorbent shoulders made me laugh! I pictured maxi pads instead of shoulder pads! Ha-ha! I will be okay. It’s actually my friend Jery I’m more worried about now. He and Tom were very close.

  7. On September 28th, 2011 at 6:17 pm thirtiesgirl Says:

    I’m in agreement with what Twistie said about mourning. It’s an important part of the healing process. I’m sorry to hear you’re ‘losing’ your friend, especially a part of your chosen family. I know how important that is. I moved to Los Angeles 14 years ago to restart my life and hopefully find friends to draw around me as my chosen family, since my family of origin is pretty dysfunctional. Unfortunately, I don’t have good friend-making/keeping skills, so I’ve never been very successful at finding a group of friends to be my support system. But I understand how important it is and how valuable close friends can be.

    Like your friend, I’m also thinking about leaving California. It’s getting too expensive for me to stay, and due to lots of budget cuts in education, my job is getting more and more difficult to do. I almost lost my job this year and was saved by the school district at the very last minute. Since school started 3 weeks ago, I’ve been more stressed out than I’ve ever been by my job, so much that I can barely think about anything else when I get home. I don’t mind hard work and I know I have a good work ethic, but I’m being overworked this school year and I’m not happy about it at all. It seems to be a clear sign that it’s time for me to get out of L.A. and go some place else.

  8. On September 29th, 2011 at 9:09 am Not Blue at All Says:

    @thirtiesgirl: Well, if you work in a California school my heart goes out to you! I have a couple of teacher/admin/district office friends who are also going through the worst of it this year. I don’t have an answer for ya, just my love and support.
    I was never good at making or retaining friends either, until I got older and chose to work at it (which would be right now). The family you see in that picture is a conglomeration of work friends, an old friend and my husband and his mama. I had this one job (at a music store chain) that lead to so many great things (friends, husband) but also nearly killed me with stress. I never would have believe that my best friend would be a former boss! Ha-ha! Life is funny that way, always surprising you.
    Thanks so much. *Hugs*

  9. On September 28th, 2011 at 8:59 pm E. Ai B. Says:

    We’ve met a lot of people coming down here to the south in hopes of new jobs, cheaper living. Our living expenses are less, but so are wages. And competition for jobs isn’t any better here, sometimes it is worse. These people left what and who they loved, chasing a future that didn’t actually exist…not in the way they’d hoped for anyway. Things are changing for the worse. Which means everyone has to adapt. Keeping in touch electronically, so that the person who moved still feels your love and support should help everyone with the transition. I’m sorry this is something you are seeing a lot of.

  10. On September 29th, 2011 at 9:11 am Not Blue at All Says:

    @E. Ai B.: Yes, and I think it will be more common as time, and this economy, goes on. And yeah, I told Tom he’d be sick of me (and my emails) in no time!

  11. On September 28th, 2011 at 9:58 pm Jery Rosas Says:

    I know that Tommy-o reads your blog. He isn’t a big fan of emotion sharing either. I can say for sure that he was torn up about having to leave. I wish I captured the video of him saying how grateful he was that he was able to share his holidays with us. I know I can’t speak for him, but I’m sure he knows you care.
    It’s a great post and it did make me tear up. But, I think we knew him better than you think.
    It’s gonna be a while before I can talk or write about it without getting that lump in my throat.

  12. On September 29th, 2011 at 9:12 am Not Blue at All Says:

    @Jery: He reads my blog? I had no idea! That is actually shocking to me. Ha-ha! I know he didn’t want to leave. I get it. It just sucks all over the damn place. *Hugs*

  13. On September 28th, 2011 at 10:42 pm Veronica Says:

    I don’t really know what to say, except sorry you’re hurting! *Hugs* if you want them.

  14. On September 29th, 2011 at 9:12 am Not Blue at All Says:

    @Veronica: Thank you!

  15. On October 1st, 2011 at 3:48 pm Tom O Says:

    HaHa! I DO check in on your blog from time to time! In fact, if it wasn’t going to be 38 degrees here back east, I was planning on wearing my tank top next Tuesday!

    Kidding aside, I’ve had a great time every time we’ve spent together and was both sad and a little mad I had to make the decision to leave Cali. The days of making a decent living and being able to save up AND pay for the everyday stuff seem to be over in this country. I’ve been kind of lamenting this for a while–I wish I could figure out what could be done to change this trajectory. It amazes me to think that my Mom & Dad could raise 5 kids (and a bunch of pets) on only a police officer’s salary and live in a decent house with none of us realizing we were lower income. I guess that ship sailed a long time ago.

    As for our last karaoke night, I was really looking forward to singing my butt off and was really bummed out I couldn’t do it because of my cold/flu. A big chunk of my most memorable times in California involved my wonderful friends, booze, and karaoke. I lost my voice completely a couple of days later. (I’ve never gotten laryngitis before–I still can’t sing even a week later 🙁

    Yeah and then I had to take an all-nighter red eye flight at the height of my cold. Not fun.

    Anyways, I already miss everyone terribly. Being alone (friend away) in this dreary place without my stuff and without a job is really driving it home how fortunate I was to have my California friends–even if it was for a relatively short time.

    Sarah–keep up the good work with your website and blog. It always amazes me how prolific you are and how clearly you present your thoughts. I always have been and always will be a big fan.

    Love, Tom O

  16. On October 1st, 2011 at 5:33 pm Not Blue at All Says:

    @Tom O: Jery said you read my blog and I just didn’t believe him! Ha-ha! I’m sorry it’s so miserable there. And it’s complete and utter bullshit, the state of this economy! *Hugs* Thank you so much! <3

  17. On October 2nd, 2011 at 10:12 am Perry Says:

    It was the same for me that night. When we said our goodbyes, I was thinking to myself this is the last time I am going to see Tom, but I didn’t say anything. I hugged him like it was just another normal night of karaoke.
    It’s crazy, but the emotion of it all did not hit me until just now as I am reading your blog. He will truly be missed.

  18. On October 3rd, 2011 at 10:37 am Not Blue at All Says:

    @Perry: I think we’ll see him again, perhaps sooner than any of us know it, too! I just have a feeling about it suddenly. Ha-ha! But yes, it’s hard and it sucks.

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