I’ve been talking a lot about my friends lately. I often say that they mean the world to me. They support and love me no matter what. That is something I’ve never had and have worked a good long time on finding. When I call you a friend of mine, you can be sure it is with respect, honesty and a touch of pride. I keep my friends in my heart wherever I go and no matter what I do I know I can call on them for help or advice. This is friendship, I feel. Even when I’m in a hate spiral, all I need to do is reach a hand up and I know someone will be there to lift me out of it. It took me ages to believe in that trust, that bond. I have serious trust issues, folks. I work on them, constantly. But the truth is that I get let down a lot!

People are funny creatures. Some get offended when I call humans animals, but I think that we are. There is so little yet so much that separates us from the animal kingdom, as it were. Deep down aren’t we all instincts and impulses? Just sayin’! Here I am at this bizarre time in my life and no matter what I do it’s like I’m bumping into my past or old behavioral patterns or suddenly realizing that I do something or feel something or am attracted to something because I was neglected so much as a child. Ugh! I just wanna be me, but this shit doesn’t sort itself out, so here I am. I am frozen in place, unable to speak, even when my heart is breaking for what it is I want or need. Years of this and I am only now realizing that it was years and years of rejection before I learned to just stop asking.

When I tell people that I’ve had some of the same friends for ten and twenty years they often look at me funny. As though this is some impossible feat to achieve. It’s not. It’s a lot of work to maintain those friendships, but it’s no impossible. I met some through school and others through work. My newest friends I met through fat events or activists. It is about opening yourself up even when you know you could get hurt. It’s about allowing that pain to come because you know in the end the reward will make it worth it. My two oldest friends have hurt me so deeply over the years, time and time again, and I have hurt them just as much. We stay friends because we need one another. It really can be that simple. We trust each other to be honest always and honor that.

It is because of these amazing relationships I already have that I often find that I can give too much of myself away too fast in a new friendship. I always tell myself not to. I insist I won’t. I will even push some away at first. But in the end I give too much and get very hurt or scare them away with too many weird handmade gifts and playlists and things. Ha-ha! I give myself timelines now. Like, no gifts for at least one month, two is better. It’s just that when you meet someone new that you click with you want to spend all of the time and do all of the things with them. It’s a bit like love in that way. You just become infatuated with this new person and want to impress them.

As a kid this was a survival mechanism. Certainly in our evolution it must have been as well. If I had something to show or give or share I would be accepted by another kid or group faster than if  had nothing to offer. Giving extra pelts or supplies to another tribe or village couldn’t hurt keeping the peace for our fore-bearers, right? But it wasn’t until this past weekend that these concepts crystallized in my jumbled mind. As an adult I find that it is so much harder to find those kindred spirits out in the world. Many of you have asked how to find future chosen family members and I’m often left without much advice to offer. But thinking it over some, I know now how and why I have the people in my life that I do.

It is when I have been my most authentic self that I met and bonded with these magnificent people! I met Steph in 8th grade while trying to prematurely change out the earrings in some new piercings in 1st period P.E. class. Alena I met by helping her and her friend trash a fellow enemies locker (long story). P & J I met through work, but P was my boss for a long while and I thought he hated me. It wasn’t until I was promoted that we started to act and eventually became close friends (J is his partner and though it took awhile, we just have too much in common not to be besties). My husband I met at that same job! Ahh, I do miss the music store! Well, I miss all music stores! Ha-ha!

These people have since seen me at my very worst and my very best and everything in between. When I meet new people I don’t size them up as potential friends or life mates, but just as they are right in front of me. I’ve long let go of judging people on a superficial basis. It is their actions that give me the peak inside their psyche. It is their manner and care that show me their true metal. And I think that is how we should all go about life in this world. Trust that the right people are out there and will find you when you are being most true and loving to yourself. You don’t need to seek them out. Though you should get out of the house and taste the delights of the universe. But like minded people just attract one another, I think.

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Thanks so much for reading. I know this blog hasn’t been terribly fat related lately, but I want you to know how much it means to me that you keep reading and commenting and supporting me through this difficult time. And hey! Feel free to reach out: Facebook  &  Twitter  and as always email: notblueatall@notblueatall.com

Thanks and take care of YOU! <3